My Child Is Confused

I really love the idea of you have two daddies who love you. My nephew calls his biological dad Daddy Nate and his stepdad Daddy Dave. It has worked for him since he was one and now he's 15. Pop is a term used in my family if you are looking for Dad and Papa, Pop, etc. Best of luck to you!

i would go immediately to the ex and tell him there is no need to take you to court, you would LOVE for him to spend time with the little boy he has helped raise since birth (even if he has been irresponsible in some ways) and with whom he has a true father's bond. i certainly would not expect your son to refer to his bio-dad, this stranger, as 'daddy.' maybe in time he'll come to think of him that way and that'll be great, but in the meantime he's got a daddy and should continue to have a relationship with him. i can easily explain why the non-bio daddy is taking you to court.....he loves his son. why would find that hard to believe?
be grateful for his devotion and do right by your son by allowing them to continue their relationship.
khairete
S.

You made the decision to have the non-bio be daddy, he raised him as his own, loves him, grew attached to him. I am not sure who's name he has, but if it is the non-bio daddy listed as daddy on birth cert.and has his last name, he has rights. Regardless if any of that is true or false (the birth cert and last name) he has every right to want to spent time with him. I know you are now with the bio daddy, that has just recently been introduced to him, but your son doesn't know him, esp as daddy! Do not, whatever you do, take the daddy he has known his whole life out of the picture and go to court for a blood test and deny him rights. He knew that this wasn't his son, but rasised him as his own anyhow, that's alot for anyone to do! He will have 2 dads it seems. 2 is better than none. You do not know what the future holds, your son loves his daddy, and doesn't really know the real one. He obeyed your wish to stay away from his child as you asked, not to be harsh, but that's what you asked for...so you got your wish unknowingly what your future held. Honey, hind sight is always 20/20. The right thing is to do best for your son, not for what you should have done. Let him know both, he is way to young to understand the situation to any degree you need him to right now. So let him know them both, and call daddy the man that raised him...unless he falls off the face of the earth, or if the real daddy is in the picture for life, he will have 2 daddys. Don't force him into calling the new dad, daddy...he is confused. Just go on a 1st name basis thus far and see where the future takes you all.
Good luck and God Bless....
I am not judging you, I am trying to give the best advice that I can to help you in making your decision for your son. We all make mistakes and pay for them for life sometimes!

is this guy who took you to court paying child support?
if not take him to court for that if he has won visitation.

the only thing that is going to help is time and age and love.

just keep loving him, answer his questions in as few words as possible.

good luck,

I have no experience with any of this, and I offer all my empathy for what must be a difficult situation for you. But, I would say that maybe you can give each "father" a different name. Because they are BOTH his father in a different way. Maybe Dad and Papa? Good luck, I hope you find love and a stable situation.

While I haven't experienced your situation, I was raised without my father around. So if you want to turn this to a positive, emphasize that your son is a lucky little boy who has two daddies, where most only are lucky enough to have one, or none. Also, you could explain to him that it takes two people to make a baby, and that you and his bio daddy made him, but his other daddy helped raise him, and so they both love him. Spin it all as a positive. Also I like the other comment about having different names for each. Best wishes for you all.

It does sound like a very confusing situation for both you and your son, and for your ex! Please keep in mind that your little boy knows he has a daddy that loves him, your ex. He will not understand or benefit from being told that that is not his REAl dad. What is important is their bond, not who you had sex with to conceive him. Your ex and your son need consistency and regular visitation. There is no reason to deny either of them that. You made a choice who your baby's father would be, and although you see it as a mistake now, that is your baby's daddy! Don't punish them or spend time and money arguing in court. Just make an agreement you both can live with. Hopefully the bio dad will also stay in your lives, but this relationship is very new. Give it time to develop for yourself and for your son. What is most important is for your son to have security and consistency in his life and relationships. You need to provide that for him!
Ps- my sister was in a very similar situation at the same age. She married a man while pregnant with another man's son. They split when her daughter was very young, and she married another man. Her daughter maintained regular visitation as long as both father and daughter wanted it. Now that child is 25 and has 2 loving fathers and families that she visits often.

Hi A.,
Our family sort of has a similar situation..

Who to call 'Daddy': if your son is used to calling non-bio dad 'Daddy', I wouldn't correct him or make him stop. For the bio-dad, I would have him call him by his name for now and let him start calling bio-dad Daddy on his own time.

As for visitation: the non-bio dad should be able to have at least supervised visitation. he shouldn't need to go to court for that. He is a part of your son's life and your son needs that stability. If you want to be mean about it, you could put a requirement that he has to pay support in order to see your child, but he didn't really pay when you were together, so...

Just my two cents...
M.

I think the only thing you can be is honest. As your son gets older, he will understand more about the difference of biological versus an acting fathers. The most important thing is to have a consistent, stable and positive male in his life. If both men are willing to be apart of his life then allow that but keep in mind it takes more than just DNA to be a father. Seek counseling and deal with your own personal issues and have open conversations with your son. If you can have other people that are living witnesses of this situation help you discuss this with him in small pieces at a time, that may be useful as well. But the key is to move on, deal with the situation and be honest. I think you are on the right path.

Clearly your ex is attached to this child - as he should be. Even though the two of you had/have problems he has still been around since before this child was born. So despite his faults, kudos to him for being "Daddy." You can't take that away from him or your son. It would only cause more harm. As for the bio daddy, he has to accept that you made mistakes (as did he for accepting your pushing him away and not being involved until now). You all need to move on and be as amicable as possible. All 3 of you mean a lot to your son and you all 3 need to be there for him as he grows to be a man. Having 2 father figures will only benefit him that much more. Hopefully he can walk into life with the best from both men! I agree with the 1st post, tell him how very lucky he is that he has 2 daddies that love him.

first off you need to give the childs father a chance to get to know the child to begin with, this will cut down on some of the confusion. second, dont tell a guy he is the father,if hes not... bad idea... very bad idea.
if you dont tell the child who his father really is, you can bet that some busybody will...and not in a nice way either. you need to give both men in this childs life a chance to get to know him, even if its just to avoid being involved in a lawsuit. this isnt about you, or any decisions you may have made, good or bad, this is about your child. if you alienate both men, your child will be without a father figure, period.
K. h.

I wouldnt be to concern on who he calls daddy daddy right now. His whole life he has known your ex as is father so it's normal for him to want to call him Daddy. He has created that bond with him. Your son still sounds younge to have to go into deep conversation with who's your Daddy. You can say oneis your Daddy and the other was your Step Dad. It is all natrual for him to have feeling for your ex sence he has been the other father figure in his life this long. I wouldn't push the issue and let him come to terms on when to call him Dad! I hope this helps you somewhat

I would say if he supported your son financially, emotionally or helped you and him in ANY way to let him see him once in a while. Only because the biological father wasn't around and this man was. If it weren't for him there may not have been a man in the house for 3 yrs. And I split from my bf for a yr and a 1/2 hr wasn't good for me but his father loved him. So I had to put my feelings aside of what he was doing to me. And focus on my son. So my advice is if he is good to your son and your son loves him. I would let your son go w/him once a month for a Saturday. I am not sure I would do over nights anymore. But the entire day should be fine. Another important question, is this man's name on the birth certificate?

I had my first child when I was 19... so big congrats to you on having made it so far (especially in college, GO YOU!) I know how hard it is... and how worth it. Don't ever say that any of this was a mistake, bc without it, you wouldn't have your sweet little boy. Have you asked him who he feels more comfortable calling daddy? My daughters biological father lives in connecticut... she calls him by his first name, and calls my boyfriend 'daddy'. She just went up to him one day and asked him (when she was 2, she's 4 1/2 now) if she could call him daddy... he asked me how I felt about it, and I told him that that was between him and my daughter. Now, he's the only daddy she's ever known. I will never regret the decision to let her choose for herself. I have also been EXTREMELY up front with my kids about where they came from... I believe it is owed to them, as that is part of their idenitity, part of who they are. I didn't use 'kid terms' per say, but I definately didn't sugarcoat anything either. I owned up to my responsibilities and will leave it to my kids to decide whether they want to judge me on that when they're older. But one thing is certain... they will NEVER be able to tell me that I lied or hid information from them. Good luck with the custody thing and your ex... I'm hoping he only wants visitation bc he cares deeply for your son, and isn't just trying to hurt you. Best wishes, and contact me back if you need to :)