My Bf and My Son

All I can say is that when kids say something like that? We need to REALLY listen. At 6, what he's saying is honest and clear.
Good luck!

Pretty typical response from your son. He has gone through changes going from living with 2 parents to living mostly with 1 and visits to the other. Like all little children he probably would rather have is mom and dad together so he isn't going to entertain the idea of another man stepping into your life. Drop it and don't have that talk with him again.

If you do decide to get married down the road then I wouldn't ask him what he thought about it. Getting married is a grown up decision. If you ask his opinion and he says its a no go then you'll cancel your plans? You'll go ahead and get married and he'll be resentful? Its a no win when you ask for his input.

I think you jumped the gun in talking toy your son. Six is too young to engage in hypotheticals, and he doesn't really know what it means to get married and blend families. His own father just got involved a year ago, so that was an adjustment, right? First it was you and son and no daddy. That was your son's "normal". Then it was you and son and a visiting dad - another "normal" so an adjustment. Then around the same time you meet your boyfriend, and you progress to 5-person dinners (which sound very nice by the way), and now you suggest yet another adjustment and yet another "normal". Your son is scared and insecure.

This has nothing to do with your son not liking your boyfriend. He's just figuring out what a daddy is. Now you want him to imagine a stepfather and step siblings too. He can't. He's 6.

All kids are going to want to keep things as they are.

I think you don't ask kids for their permission for you to get married. You're the grownup and you make the decision, then explain to him how it's going to work and how it's going to be great for him. But there was no reason to bring this up now since you and your boyfriend have only been together for a year and there is no immediate plan like a date set.

Also, has your boyfriend discussed this with his daughters? If not, what happens at the next dinner when your son pipes up that "my Mom and your dad might get married and I don't want that and where will I sleep and where will you sleep and do we have to move?" And I don't know what the dynamics are with his father - but you don't want him discussing this with him, probably.

I'd wait for a calm moment and just say nothing is happening now and he shouldn't worry. He's always going to be your #1 priority. That doesn't mean you imply that you won't get married if your son doesn't want you to. It's not his decision. I would talk, in general, about how moms get to do some things for fun and so do kids, so there has to be compromise. Keep it light, but just build empathy about how people have to share and cooperate - in families, in school, in jobs, in summer camp, on a basketball team, etc. No one gets everything they need.

Then you work on your boyfriend, who needs to remember what it was like when his kids were 6. He just cannot get all hurt because your son "doesn't like him" - that's not what happened here, is it? It's that your son is freaked out by the idea of his whole world turning upside down. Those are 2 very different things. You and your boyfriend need to face the fact that you may be headed down a happy path toward marriage, but that doesn't mean you go and get the kids involved yet. You want "marriage and a family" - I understand that. You don't have a marriage right now - but you DO have a family. And your husband has 2 daughters in those tough teen years, and one will probably go to college in a couple of years. They are facing proms and drivers licenses and growing independence, and they need to get much more used to you before they get all psyched up about a wedding and a stepmother and a stepbrother.

Slow down, keep it calm and upbeat, and stop talking to your son about marriage. Let him mature a bit, get used to his father, and get to know your boyfriend much much better without pressure.

I'm a stepmother and I can tell you we took it very very slowly with my husband's 2 daughters.

6 year olds do not decide major family life events!!!!

Only responsible loving ADULTS can have a knowledge of the big picture.

Your son only knows: "I want it to be just you and me" from his six-year-old mind. My 7yo son would say the same thing as would my other two kids.

But if you know that you have found a good, stable, loving, adult man who will help you to make a BETTER family unit and therefore a BETTER home and future for your son, only you can know that. And it's your responsibility to make this decision.

Taking your time and being cautious is great and absolutely necessary. But waiting until your son decides it's OK for you is not reasonable. Nor is taking this personally by your boyfriend. A child wanting his life to stay the only way he knows it is not in any way him saying he doesn't like your boyfriend.

Sounds like you guys have a great thing going here, but you need to be a little more confident in your roles as adults.

I'm a single parent of 3, and have broken up with two great boyfriends who weren't quite husband and father material. If I found a man who I loved to infinity who was also great husband and father material?! You better believe I'd do what was best for my kids and marry him. And my kids would never have to call him dad. They could all decide on whatever they like to call him that he was OK with.

My parents divorced when I was 10, and my mother remarried several times. I'm speaking from that position - as the kid. Good answers below - don't rush it. You're not even talking about officially getting engaged, so just let that be and don't make it a "thing" for your son until you and your BF "KNOW" that marriage is going to happen. Have a long engagement.

Do NOT assume that because your son doesn't want you to get married and wants it to just be "you and him" that he doesn't "like" your boyfriend. And reassure your boyfriend of this. It's NOT the same thing. He can LIKE your boyfriend, and still want you to just be the two of you. Don't read adult attitudes into children's statement. On the other hand, respect his feelings and don't blow them off. He loves you, his life is in turmoil, and he needs to know that YOU are THERE for him and solid. Marriage to him, at this time, means you being taken away.

Do NOT push him to call your BF "dad". As your son said, he HAS a dad. Again, this doesn't mean that your son doesn't like him. If you do marry, he will be stepdad/co-parent, and will probably call BF by his name. That's what I did when mom married again. The adults need to be adults here and be co-parents. Do NOT get hung up about the name.

Keep building the relationship. Keep building the stability. Take your time. My now husband of 17 years and I dated for 1.5 years and were engaged for 1.5 years.

I have a daddy doesn't equal I don't like you. Kiddo is saying the TRUTH. He does have a dad and he likes things the way they are. So you have to be the adult. My DH talked to the sks about our marriage but didn't ask them permission. If you think it's a good idea, then talk your son through the process as things come up. Kids' opinions matter, but adults need to be the ones to make the decisions. Like I'm sure there are days your son wants ice cream for breakfast, in bed, and not go to school.

Just keep doing what you're doing. You're building new history. Relationships can't be rushed, and please please don't get overwrought about a simple statement from a little boy. I bet if you picked those teen girls' brains on a bad day you wouldn't like it, either.

Heck, at that age our son just wanted it to be me and him - and Hubby and I are happily married and our son LOVES his Dad!
So although I'd listen to him, I wouldn't take it quite as seriously as you seem to be.
Also, kids of divorced parents often have a fantasy of their parents getting back together again someday.
You talking about marrying someone/anyone else just totally clashes with his fantasy.
You need to talk about how you and his Dad are good people who just didn't work out to be good for each other - you still wish your ex every happiness and that means if/when he finds someone who is right for him then you wish him well - and your ex (I hope) feels the same way about you.
This way your son at least has an idea that each of his parents are OK with each other moving on - and your son should be OK with it too.

It's good to take it slow but eventually your boyfriend and your son are going to need some one on one bonding time.

your little boy is only 6 and he's bearing the crushing burden of your happiness over a nebulous potential future marriage, and your boyfriend's reaction to a very natural and predictable response on his part.
poor little guy.
your bf needs to grow up and not expect a 6 year old to have a mature adult reaction to a scenario already too complex for the little fellow. your son stating that he wants his world to be stable and familiar doesn't mean he doesn't like your bf. i think it speaks well for the little guy that he is a sufficiently nuanced thinker to understand that he likes the bf but that doesn't mean he wants him for a dad.
when it's time to get married, you present it joyfully and firmly, you don't ask permission. until you're there, stop rocking the foundations of your very young son's world by making him try to grok trial scenarios.
khairete
S.

I'd let the subject drop with your son. He's only 6 and unable to understand. I suggest that, since you are not close to making a final decision, you tell him you were just wondering. I think that asking what he thinks is too much pressure for kids. I suggest that your son and his kids are not responsible for making you feel good. It's your and your bf's decision. You decide based on how the kids get along. You've just now started to talk about it with each other. It's too early to include children about an adult situation.

Of course your boyfriend thinks your son doesn't like him if he's only thinking about his one overly simplified answer. How has your son been interacting with your boyfriend? That is what tells him if your son likes him.

I urge you to get more information about blended families and a better understanding of child development. It's extremely important that kids know that this isn't their decision. They must know you are the Mom who is taking care of all of you. Of course you will consider their feelings but the bottom line is this decision is yours and your boyfriend's.

You've taken the first baby step in talking together about marriage. There is a whole lot more to consider and workout before involving the kids. Later, it would be ok to say you've decided to marry. in the meantime, consider how to talk with them about their fears. You figure things out first.

I would think that if and when you get married it will be because the path naturally leads there - the kids are ok with it, it's the natural progression, everyone would be better off together (than apart), that sort of thing ..

I don't just think you jumped the gun talking to your son (that's pretty big adjustments for a child that age) - I think thinking marriage and discussing it might be a bit premature.

Sometimes I don't think kids ever get there. I have friends who's step kids were very hesitant and resentful. Those second marriages have been hard. I think Marda's suggestion of looking up more information on blended families is a great idea.

As for your boyfriend being hurt - I think it's pretty typical for a child just getting to know his real dad, to find the concept of 2 dads all of a sudden a bit much. He should have a bit thicker skin and realize the child is adjusting.

And you feeling bad about all this - I get it. But if you feel bad about things, let things naturally progress, and if everyone has that pressure off them .. maybe things will lead to marriage down the road. There's also his 2 daughters to consider.

Good luck :)

It very seldom works out for the kids if parents remarry. That is part of the reason that 2nd marriages fail at a high rate. The stress of blending kids is very difficult when you think about it from their point of view - jumping from house to house (if other bio parent is still in the picture), jealousy of other kids (especially if you have new kids together), inconsistent discipline (one is usually easier on their own bio kid often out of guilt - look how it is tearing you up that he is unhappy), insecurity due to instability (he will wonder if this dad will leave also), realization that your happiness is more important than his (if you marry when he is obviously not in favor of it), and his resentment toward anyone you would marry.

This is why some psychologists recommend not dating until the kids are out of the house. Or if you date when he is with his dad, that you never introduce him to your kid or even talk about him.

I'll tell you the same as I did on the other post. Blended families are hard and take even more work. My husband and I have the same schedule, our kids are at their other parents on the same weekends and we have NO kids on the same weekends, which is great. My short response about your boyfriend/future husband is that he IS the dad at your house and that is what I would tell your son when the time comes. You tell him he is not replacing his dad but will be his dad while he's at your house. Don't force him to call him dad or anything like that and make sure YOU do most of the discipline to start off. And remember that no matter how old he gets, even 30, he will ALWAYS want his parents to get back together. Good luck.

You son is right and responding normally. He does have a dad. Your bf is not his dad and I would make it clear to your son he does already have a dad. My kids both really like their stepfather, but he's not their dad. He is an important person in their lives, but they have a dad.

Try not to ask your son's opinions about your relationship. You wouldn't talk to him about things going on in your relationship with his dad so don't do it with your bf.

Your son is responding completely normally. He will adjust as he needs. When you eventually take the next steps, know there will be bumps and roadblocks. Your son is the only child at home, consolidating households makes him the baby and changes the dynamics. I'm not saying don't take those steps, just know that there will be growing pains. Always be sure to schedule some time with just you and your son and also with the older kids. He will have to learn to share you as does any child when a sibling comes into the family. Again, totally normal.

Waiting for the perfect time and all the kids to be on the same page is giving them power over your relationship. I'm not saying you don't listen and address their issues or concerns, but remember that you two are the parents and just b/c you're in a relationship with someone doesn't negate your role. It's important to listen and be empathetic, but don't stop parenting.

He is 6 and he doesn't get to decide major family decisions. Adults do.