My 4 Year Old Step-daughter Is Lying at Both Homes

"I don't understand why she would want to create a negative environment between her parents..."

I'm sorry if my response is going to sound harsh, but you need to understand something: this child is only FOUR years old. Don't ascribe motives to her that aren't even within the capacity of her not-yet-fully-developed brain.

She is still a baby. If a four year old is doing the type of things that you are describing, the fault lies firmly with her PARENTS. Don't blame a four year old for the results of her parents' behavior and parenting. Don't blame a little girl for "pushing everyone's buttons." You guys are the adults.

Any four year old who is acting out severely is not being properly parented. Period. Both sets of parents need to reevaluate how they are parenting, and make some big changes, fast. By the way, the best way to teach morals and values is to model it. If you are sure she is not hearing all this "adult language" from you, then she must be hearing it at her mom's house. She is not picking it up all by herself. If she really says she wants to stay with you forever and not go back to her mom's house, then there is something negative going on over there.

If you need specific parenting advice, you can get it on this site.

Do you get along well enough that all three or four parents and child/children could get together for an evening of bowling or pizza or picnic? Let her SEE all the adults getting along and talking, let her SEE you are all on the same side. A year ago your post seemed to say there was a lot of animosity between her mother and you and your husband. Has this all been resolved? Or did it never really exist? Could it be she thinks this is how "split" families are? Read her books that deal with children who go back and forth between two homes. Mr Rogers Talks about Divorce and others. This is very, very hard for preschoolers to understand without family counseling.
Also remember that at age four kids dont really understand the difference between truth and lies and stories. Are you lying to her every time you read her a fairy tale? If a movie is not animated, does she know if it is or isnt true?

I'd have all of the parents sit down together with the little girls and talk it out. Explain that you don't want to hear more lies, and you want her to know that you all love her very much. Then hold her accountable. If she lies, take away a privilege or toy. Praise her for being truthful and create fun things to do that will develop happy memories.

What would bother me almost as much as the lies are the curse words and the ability to know that people call each other fat and say they have no style. She's four. How does she know these words? And why does she know how to cut someone down like that?

Our take on this when my stepdaughter went through this phase right around age 5-6 was to ignore the behavior. At that age we felt like she wasn’t lying to avoid getting in trouble or any other malicious reason which would have required direct punishment/addressing of the lying itself. We discovered there were three motivators for her - she wanted attention whether it was positive or negative; she was being instructed to pass messages between her parents; and/or she was mixing up things she’d been told or had overheard. When she was seeking attention (some of the lies could be quite complicated but were superficial and pointless if that makes sense), we ignored the tactic. That was the easiest to stop since she didn’t get what she wanted and so without motivation she stopped on her own quickly. We also made sure we heaped attention on her at other times to help offset her need for any kind of attention. We are quick to correct ugly words and we simply say they aren't used in our house.

When she was being used as the messenger, we would discourage it by telling her not to worry about such matters as the adults would handle it. We didn't want her to turn into the messenger or go between of her parents. As well it’s really annoying when you feel like the other person is telling you how to run your house and treat the child via the child. I don’t pin notes on her shirt and send her to school. This messenger business is the same nonsense. When she said something like ‘mommy says you should do x,y or z’, we replied with ‘don’t worry about it; mom and dad will talk among themselves and decide.’

Finally when she was mixing up things she’d been told or had overheard, we ignored it. One time she told us everybody in her mom’s house worked at a hotel (mom, boyfriend, grandparents, an uncle or two…). We were so confused but we let it go. In the scheme of things she wasn’t lying and it wasn’t a big deal. She was telling her version of the truth as she knew it. It just came out garbled through the mouth of a small child.

Those above three behaviors for us lacked the malicious intent of outright lying. For us we defined lying as behavior which was motivated to avoid punishment and/or create problems of one nature or another. She did go through a phase where when something occurred (broken toy, discipline at school, etc.), she lied about those events. For those instances we took the track of double punishment – one punishment for the rule breaking and the same punishment repeated for the lying. We did and still do give her two chances to tell us the truth. After her first lie we tell her to think about what she’s telling us. If it’s a lie, we remind her she will be punished twice. If she repeats the lie or gives us another lie, then she gets her second warning. After that if she lies a third time, we punish her. Honestly it took a few go rounds of this before she realized it was just better to come clean. It was hard to break because her mother is so inconsistent about discipline. She’ll go off the deep end for one thing and then go easy on something else. Invariably the reactions and punishments do not fit the crime so to speak. With my stepdaughter we always make sure to talk to her. We try to reason and explain to her what we expect and why we expect it at an age appropriate level. As she’s gotten older (she’s 8 now) it has gotten easier and the lying at our house has stopped altogether.

Personally I think you should figure out what is motivating your stepdaughter and then plan your attack so to speak from that point. We can't coparent with my husband's exwife. She is hostile in the extreme. Even without her help we stopped the lying at our house and my stepdaughter is well behaved around us. We are nothing if not consistent and age appropriate. We are not interested in being tyrants. We want her to understand the rules and follow them on her own free will. At your stepdaughter's age I would be less concerned with morality and values than I would in determining why she’s doing what she is doing. If you can help her model the behavior you want now, then you’ll solve today’s problem. With a little more time you can add the more difficult layers (morality and values which I think require explanation to understand) to the foundation she has. Keep it age appropriate and be realistic about what she is doing and why she is doing that. Good luck.

try confronting her. when she says my mom says that you guys are fat....for example....tell her that doesn't sound like something your mom would say. let me call her and ask her if she really said that......maybe if you call her out on this she will stop!!!

The child needs Therapy.
Sure, this is often suggested too offhandedly sometimes.
But, this child is only 4 years old, and is obviously having much difficulty... with all the things going on around her.
WHEN did her parents divorce?
And WHEN did her Dad marry you?

The child is obviously, having problems with coping and dealing with things.
At this age, you gotta keep in mind, that their emotions are not even fully developed. And they don't even have the ability... to make sense of their emotions or what they are perceiving.... in the adult world.
And what are the many "expectations" that she has upon her tiny shoulders??? Kids, perceive and feel things and develop ideas... much differently than an adult. And what does not make sense to us adults, makes sense to them... a mere child.

I really think, you need a Professional to help with her.
Because, the older she gets, the more "stuck" these problems will get.
She needs help with coping... and someone who can facilitate her, in a professional manner.
Otherwise, it is just guessing.

I know a woman who got divorced, when her kids were only Toddlers.
She got them, a Therapist to help them. She said, that this was the BEST thing she ever did for them, as a Mom. The Mom is a highly educated Counselor herself... but she got her kids a Therapist to help them deal with the divorce and their life changes. Because, she knew that would benefit them, in more ways than she could. Her kids, needed a "neutral" person, to vent to and to help them adjust. EVERY little thing, in a child's life... changes, when their parents are divorced. It is a huge thing, in a little child's life.

Your Step Daughter's lying... is not the problem per say. It is a symptom... of what is going on in the child's mind and emotions.

ETA:kids pick up on little comments and think they are true. if i say in a joking way, ugh your dad is driving M. crazy today my daughter may say, daddy mommy doesnt like you asnd thinks you're crazy. maybe someone commented on someone else being ugly, or even J. not liking an outfit and she picked up on that?
she also could be feeling like she gets WAY more time with mom and misses dad even more and feels he doesnt want to see her more?

I'd say sit and talk with her and if that doesnt work try a counselor for kids

maybe she watched parent trap and has hopes of getting her parents back together.

I would say she's 4 and probably is craving attention? why not have both each important person take a day a month to spend alone with her or more if you can do it? i think often times kids in blended families get thrown into it assuming they will adjust with sharing time with mom, dad, step mom, step dad, sisters/brothers and so on and sometimes rebel and feel like noone cares.
What are her lies?

I would have all the parents sit down with her all at the same time for a family meeting to find out what is up. I would make it clear to her that she is not in trouble but that you all want to just understand what is happening. I think this is a sign that something is really off for her inside and that she needs her parents to help her sort it out. Maybe she is angry at her parents and not sure how to let them know. Living in two homes is hard, complicated, and confusing for kids. Blessings!

I read some of the other posts, and just want to share my experience w/my 4 1/2 yr old exhibiting some similar behavior. His dad and I live together so he does NOT have the 2-home issue or the playing 1 parent against the other issue. However, he is a smart cookie and knows how to push buttons.
About 4 months ago he started throwing around nonsense accusations whenever he got upset about anything. Example: "No, we can't go get donuts, it's dinner time."... "BUT...(whine)... You said I could never wear my Star Wars shirt ever again..." "No, honey, I love your Star Wars shirt, I never said that"..."But (whine) You said I had to brush my teeth with my toes."..."No, honey, that wouldn't work..." "But (whine) you said... ".
I try, try try to be calm. I try try try to then say "I'm not having this kind of discussion any more. But he's persistent and often I end up yelling. He has a younger brother and I'm guessing that he feels negative attention is better than no attention.

2 weeks ago he made up a nonsense story like this about his teacher at school, but it had enough ring of truth to it that I reacted differently. He said "Miss S asked all the kids, `Who wants to pinch <my son>`?". I sat him down, looked him in the eye and said, "This is very serious. Think very hard about what she said because I need to repeat your story and get it right." And he thought about it and said "No, she didn't say that."

And he hasn't played the nonsense story game since.
So I don't know how bad your situation is, but it could be she's figured out a good way to get attention and hasn't realized just how much trouble could arise as a result of this. Hang in there.

I do hope you will let her know that all of you as her parents get along and do not want ANYONE to speak poorly about Any of you.

Let her know you all love her and want to all get along.

Also assure you all speak with each other all of the time, so you all know what she has been saying and are worried she has misunderstood some of the conversations.

This is a good time to introduce the old book, "The boy that cried Wolf" check it out from the library, or purchase a modern copy and read it together .. Talk about how lies hurt feelings. You know she does not want to hurt any ones feelings.

She's 4. She's adjusting to her surroundings and testing the waters. I agree with you though ("I am shocked by the adult language and depth of her lies"). My 4 year old has no idea what a curse word is. I just asked him if he knew any "bad" words, he responded with "I think stupid is a bad word".

Maybe do some role-playing with toys--real vs. not real. ("Barbie is going to drive Daddy's car. Can Barbie really drive a car?" or "Barbie is going to go potty in your bathroom. Does Barbie really go potty?"