Mutual Divorce (CA)

You do need a lawyer, unfortunately. There are ways you can do it without one but in your position I wouldn't take the chance. It HAS to be done right, no loopholes, no question marks. As someone said, if you communicate with a women's shelter they may even be able to point you in the right direction to get some help.

When I left my husband (HUGE KUDOS to you by the way for being brave and standing up for the well being of yourself and your kids!) he did the same thing, "I don't care, just show me where to sign."

I did my best to be "fair" (actually I was MUCH more than fair) to him so that he wouldn't throw it in my face later (mistake, by the way, and didn't work anyway, but not relevant now). I hired the lawyer, I filled everything out with his help/advice, and I had the sheriff's department serve my ex with the papers. He signed. I went to court, he didn't show up. Honestly you can do this with VERY little interaction from your husband. At least that's how it worked in Kansas - California may be different - but that's where the lawyer comes in, he can tell you what you need to do. That's his job. Then you know it's all done correctly and no chance for your ex to come back and screw things up later. Good luck - and GOOD JOB. Hang in there!

Talk to a womens shelter - they should be able to give you advice on how to proceed.
He should be paying child support - divorcing you doesn't mean he's not a father.
A lawyer would be best to look after your interests and the kids.

You do not HAVE to get a lawyer. I got divorced and didn't have a lawyer, neither did he. In AZ there is a place called "The Divorce Store". Maybe see if there is something like that by you. They are basically paralegals that help you fill out all the paperwork and they file it for you . They call your husband in separately and go over everything with him, he has like 10 days to contest, if he doesn't then they file. We had to go to parenting classes, required by AZ, before it would be approved. We didn't have any problems or issues at all. Custody, child support and visitation (parenting plan or time) are all separate issues and will need to be addressed individually.

You can actually go to your county courthouse to get the forms you need to file on your own. You can get them free online but they are only like $10 for the packet if you go in. They are VERY specific and go step by step and tell you everything you need to do. There is even a child support worksheet that you fill out and it tells you how much child support there would be, if any.

My ex and I split everything. I kept the house since it was in my name, he kept his truck and credit card, I kept my car and credit card. I have sole custody and he gets the kids every other weekend and we alternate holidays. We are civil and have kept all holidays and birthdays separate. We were told that if you continue to get together for celebrations that it's confusing to the kids and that no matter what age they are, they will always hope their parents get back together. I think that is good advice.

If I were you I would get the forms and fill them out how YOU would like things to be and then approach your husband and see if he will agree. Tell him you want to do this as easy as possible and see if he will work with you. Just remember that YOU are divorcing your husband, the kids are NOT divorcing their dad. They still love him and will want to see him. It's a hard time but lots of us have been through it and have come out for the better. Good luck.

You HAVE to get a lawyer. A mediator is not enough. He will manipulate you and lie to you and it will cost you MORE than you will pay the lawyer.

If you think you can't take the stress of handling this divorce right, what kind of stress will you be under when you find you've lost everything to him?

I know a woman whose husband promised her that if she let him have the house, that she could have the kids. Guess who ended up with the kids AND the house? HIM. She didn't use a lawyer. She was absolutely STUPID.

Don't be stupid. Get a divorce lawyer.

A mediator will not provide you with guidance. He/She will listen to you, listen to hubby and then try to negotiate a mutually agreeable resolution, but he/she will not give legal advice or guide you.

You can check with legal aid, but they don't usually represent folks in divorce proceedings. Your courthouse should have a Family Law Facilitator who can assist/guide you. Call the courthouse, family law division, or check online to find out about the Family Law Facilitator.

Good luck. I hope things work out well for you and your children.

Depending on your income you may qualify to receive free legal services from your local legal aid, especially since you have a history of domestic violence. They should at the very least be able to give you a consultation and point you in the right direction. If you do not qualify for their services, ask if there are attorneys that charge on a sliding scale for those with limited income.

You should also check out your local courthouse or call them and see if they have a self-help center. Many courthouses in California have a self-help center with attorneys that can assist you in completing the marital dissolution forms. They can't give you legal advice, but they can provide you with the forms (you can also get them online - http://www.courts.ca.gov/forms.htm?filter=DI). There are lots of forms you'll need to complete so you should go to the self-help center and ask which ones you need.

A mediator will not be able to give you legal advice or act in your best interest. You cannot do this alone. With the history of domestic violence, your soon to be ex will manipulate you throughout the divorce process. I have seen so many cases in which the ex with a history of domestic violence will initially come off as wanting to be cooperative, but once the papers are filed, they do a complete 180 (I used to be an attorney at a legal aid). Please be realistic. Not to scare or discourage you, but this probably will not end up being "mutual."

Added:

If you qualify for legal aid services, they might not assist you through the asset/debt division portion of the dissolution, but they will likely assist you with the child custody portion of the dissolution, which is the most important in the big scheme of things -- your children. When you talk to them, please don't forget to mention that you're a victim of DV. That's important because many legal aids get grants just to assist victims of DV.