Mouthy Three Year Old-difference Between Sharing Feelings & Being Disrespectful

Give him alternative words to use. Just telling him what NOT to say doesn't help him. He needs to know what to say when frustrated. And find out where he's getting the language you're not happy with. If the adults in his life are talking like this, then you need to deal with THAT. It's not his fault if it's how the grown ups around him do it.

Once when I was having a bad day... my son told my daughter "leave Mommy alone now, she's having a bad day and is grumpy...." He thought he was being thoughtful... of me, by telling his sister, as a head's up.
I was right there.
It was fine.
I mean, I was grumpy. Although not taking it out on them.
So when he said that I told him "yes, Mommy is a bit grumpy now. You are right. Thank you for noticing and telling your sister. I know you were trying to help me...." and then they both let me be for about 10 minutes while I put things away after getting home from being out for SO long.
I was proud of him.
Why?
Because he knew my "cues" and he was expressing it and giving his sister a head's up and by doing that, it also helped me.
There is nothing wrong, when a kid notices their Mom is grumpy and then tries to do something to help by saying it.

There have been times when my son would tell me he was having a bad day. I would ask him why. He would tell me. We would CHAT about it. I didn't scold him over it. I told him that me too... I feel like that sometimes so I understand.
As long as we try not to take it out... on someone else.
OR for him to tell me, then he can feel better. And I TAUGHT my kids, that if they need to just deflate and be by themselves, then that is fine. Just say so, in a palatable way, and its fine. Everyone needs that at times. It helps to de-stress and it is a way of managing... it. Their feelings.

Young kids often.... exasperate their feelings. They are not rocket-scientists about HOW to control, their tone of voice. So practice... that with him or SHOW him how. And over time, they will learn.

Whether it be an adult or kid... a person CAN express themselves, but also to know how to be palatable or polite, about it.
ie: saying "I KNOW!!!" via yelling, or saying "I know... thank you for letting me know..." in a more subdued voice.

The "I know" and "Fine!" can be nipped in the bud by insisting on more polite words. Help him find something else to say and then remind him if he slips up. "Yes, I agree" or "Thank you" or "Yes, I understand" could be options. This might take some time and lots of patience on your part, but it will work.

I had one child that took every single disciplinary action so hard he would throw a full out tantrum. This tantruming diminished in frequency and severity over time, but didn't completely end until he was 13. No, I am not kidding. The epitome of a Type A personality. And truthfully, I was glad he wasn't bottling it up, and he only did this at home. He needed the physical relief from the stress. He had to learn to not say mean things, and he had to learn that when I said "go to your room until you calm down" I meant business and wouldn't tolerate any more of it. That was our experience, yours may vary ;) A good way to respond to allegations that "everyone hates me" is simply to say calmly, "I'm sorry you feel that way, it's not true. Your behavior is dangerous/mean/whatever and that is not ok."

Ah, the observations of the preschooler. Poor Grandma. She should have corrected him on the spot. "No, I am not having a bad day. But you are being too loud/impolite/whatever and that is very irritating (or whatever her choice of words would be)."

I always tell my kids it ok to feel any way you want, but you can't say or do anything you want. Sounds like you have a very bright boy on your hands :)

My son of the same age is in the exact same stage right now. I let some things go (i.e. you're the worst mom in the world, or I don't love you anymore), and other things I don't (i.e. I hate you). I try to correct the WORDS he is using without brushing off his feelings. I say things like, "I understand you are frustrated", or "you must be feeling sad right now". This helps sometimes.
He is not allowed to say "hate" or "shut up", or anything of that nature to me, or anyone else, so that gets immediately addressed. And he DOES say these things bc he hears them, often from his 7 year old brother who has Asperger's.
I would say, pick your battles. HOW he is feeling gets validated; the way he is EXPRESSING it might need addressed.

Your son isn't being rude and disrespectful. He's entered that stage where FINALLY he can see other people's emotions and he's trying to figure out what other people are thinking and feeling based on their body language, facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, reactions, and verbal reactions.

In other words he's verbally expressing his attempts at interpreting the what and why of things AND he's expressing his own emotions as well. That's a good thing.

Rather than chastize him or punish him or tell him that he's being rude and disrespectful you ought to help him identify his emotions and help him choose better language.

"I know that you're disappointed/upset/angry because Grandma asked you to be more patient. I know it's very hard to be patient when you want something so much, isn't it? Maybe we should make ourselves busy with a game while we wait for those cookies to cool off."

Instead of saying "No" all the time, try turning your responses around so that it's not a negative response. It shouldn't be "No you may not have a cookie" but rather, "I think it would be a better idea if we wait until after lunch time for a cookie. It will taste so much better after you eat something healthy!"

"I know you want to go outside to play right now, but the rule is that you have either a nap or some quiet time reading until this timer goes off first. When the timer goes off then we'll go outside."

"Honey, I would rather you clean up your toys by putting them away before we _____. That way you won't have to clean up two messes later."

It's not fun whether you're a child or adult to constantly hear, "No you can't" or "No you shouldn't" or "No I don't want you to" because it's not a fair statement. It's too much negativity. It serves a couple of purposes: His attitude should improve. You're teaching him more positive word choices by example. You're helping him learn to identify his own emotions AND how to identify other peoples' emotions and behaviors (empathy). And lastly, you're helping to teach him to make better choices and you're able to explain your reasoning while he's calm rather than trying to explain things to him after he gets upset at hearing the word "no."

I think this is one of those times where it may be hard to strictly define what disrespect is, but you KNOW it when you hear it. The "I know!" thing makes me crazy, as does, "fine!" Either of those would get a swift reprimand from me. It's one thing to have feelings, it's another thing entirely to be rude. Even preschoolers can be taught that. They don't have much of a brain-to-mouth filter yet, but they can certainly start developing one. :) When my kids say that, I will say, "I don't like your attitude. Try again." From there, I usually get, "I heard you, Mommy," or "Okay."

In the instance of your son's comment about his grandmother, a simple, "You're using very rude words. Do you need to go sit in the time-out chair to calm down?" would probably be my course of action. For the melodrama of "Nobody likes me! This is a terrible day!" I think I might say, "I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way" and then move on with whatever you were doing. Generally speaking, I prefer to give a quick but decisive correction to disrespectful behavior, and then I generally ignore any over-the-top, woe-is-me type behavior.

I see you've already gotten a lot of great advice. I just wanted to ask: Where is he hearing these terms and phrases? Consider that you might need to also address the source of the rude tone and words.

Good luck!

I hope that the adults know enough not to take the words of a preschooler personally. They don't have any sort of filter and bless them, they do say some pretty funny stuff.

I think SH pointed out that we need to remember that sometimes, kids are being observant and helpful. Although I think Patricia is also very right: we need to examine our own language. How often I hear parents dismissing their children's feelings as less-than-legitimate because "he's tired" or "she's been in a mood all morning"... Our kids are still *learning* to be in the group, to be socially appropriate.

Chances are, if your mom was brusque with your son in expecting him to wait to speak (which is hard for kids that age, but we still must teach them), then it would likely make sense to your son to label her behavior based on his observations.

But we are also the adults, and we need to KNOW better. Imagine, if you were having a hard day and aired that grievance, would you want someone to argue with you that "no, you aren't having a hard day, you are find and just reacting to XYZ"? I think most adults would experience this as utterly disrespectful of their feelings. Think about how many mothers on this forum come on to complain that their husband negates or dismisses their feelings. It's not something we humans take kindly to, no matter what age.

Instead, doing as others have suggested by giving him a little empathy-- this often helps. Keeping in mind that our little ones live *entirely in the present*, a bad five minutes CAN feel like 'the whole day' is bad for them. That's indicative of their immature perspective. So, saying "I know, you really wanted to get that toy car, huh? Part of life is that we don't get to buy everything we like. But I remember wanting toys when I was a kid, too, so I know how it feels." Our kids mostly want to feel like they are understood by us, mainly because they are still young and sometimes don't even understand their own feelings. They look to us to contain those experiences for them and to help them manage them.

And, then, too, there is always "active ignoring" as an option. For example, when he said that 'grandma's having a bad day', you could have kept on with your adult conversation and not rewarded his statement with attention. Because then, he was still able to interrupt effectively. You could then finish your conversation and come back to it: "What made you feel that Grandma was having a bad day?....oh, well, you know, people do get grouchy when they are interrupted/when they hear whiny sounds. It isn't pleasant. I don't think Grandma was having a bad day... she just didn't like being interrupted. No one does." Give him helpful information when it's the appropriate time, when you aren't trying to track two conversations at once.

And remember, he's still very little. I've worked with youngsters for a long time. What you are seeing is common, even through first and second grade. We HOPE that the kids don't feel they need to tell us their every thought, but they go through cycles of this. They hit pre-adolescence around 9 and it's often the season of arguing and discontent in many households. When we don't get emotionally hooked and can stay calm, empathetic, while giving good guidance,,, that's the best way to teach them.

My first thought is he was talking to his sister and was not being disrespectful to grandma. And personally I don't think what he said was disrespectful. It was an observation and opinion, but he didn't disrespect her by saying she was angry. Sounds like she might possibly have been.