Mothers of Boys: Men-makers?

Please go read Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, it is one of the best books on understanding and raising boys, it was really eye opening for me on better understanding boys and men...

I will give you my personal approach as the mother of two sons, but keep in mind they are still REALLY young -3.5 and 1 year -so I'm still experimenting with different approaches when it comes to discipline, teaching manners, kindness and sympathy, etc. My thoughts though and the way I kind of run things are that I give A LOT of affection and so does their father. I think too many males are not affectionate enough or else as adults they have to "learn" to be affectionate. We all tell each other several times a day that we love each other and we're very complimentary. I love receiving compliments, and I'm teaching my sons to give good ones.

I do feel that for the past 20-25 years we have been raising a bunch of wimps -both male and female (and no, I don't mean EVERYONE, but a lot of people). Our society and our kids need more "suck it up" and less "your feelings are the most important thing in the world 24/7". Yes, I am teaching my kids their feelings are important, but other people have feelings they need to consider as well. I also go on the philosophy that there are certain things grown ups and older kids do that you cannot -so it gives you something to look forward to; and that you just don't get everything you want -sometimes ever -but certainly not the minute you always want it. I also think it's imperative to instill stick-to-itiveness in our kids -especially boys -and make them follow through on projects, teams, etc. they've signed on for. There are exceptions sometime, but they need to be taught to finish what they start. I also GREATLY believe in giving children the gift of spirituality. I don't think it matters what religion or philosophy you're going with, but whatever YOU believe -introduce them to it, take them to services or ceremonies, have them be a part of something that reinforces your positive beliefs in being a good and decent person, helping others and being naturally responsible.

If you don't know how to raise them, then how can you stereotype the poor raising of them that produced such disappointment in you?

I absolutely think single moms can raise boys to be responsoble men. However, I do still think it is important for them to have a male role model. But that doesn't have to be dad, it could be uncle, grandpa, pastor, or the perfect role model, God as the father and husband.

I agree also that we have to teach children responsibility and have high expectations for them. I sigh at how many teenagers I see that have everything handed to them in life. We have to teach them that what you sow you will reap. you earn what you work for, etc. There is a sad lack of discipline and responsibility in the world and I blame a lot of that on what we are taught as children. And this is men and women, not just men.

We can only affect the people in our home, in our community, and respond to the examples we are provided. As parents, we teach by example, that if there's a chore to be done it doesn't matter what sex you are, when it's your turn you do the chore.

There are no "gimmies" to either sex, be it in emotions, or physicality, or intellect. We all have basic needs and if we respect one another and work on our own "tendencies" -- be they stereotypical or not -- Boys will become better Men and Girls will become better Women.

I have been reviewing "Men are from Mars" and we do have "tendencies" but showing respect foremost for each other makes the differences more strengths. And "respect" is just "dressed-up love."

I LOVE that you wrote this! I have a wonderful father and anm raising a daughter and grew up with three sisters. My husband would be one of whom you speak who was not raised well and seems to float, incapable of recognizing a feeling and fails in treating me with respect. He was raised by a single mother and he had too much time alone, unfortunately.
Anyway, I am glad to see this post and I pray for the future of our men.

I think Julie B is onto the right formula. I know just what you are talking about and I agree that this is an epidemic in men and I also see a lot of women the same way. I call them “reluctant responsible”. I believe is a result of the baby boomers generation. Those parents were the first generation exposed to “free love” and a society that accepted loafing off and being self indulgent as a good thing. Prior to that people were ostracized from a community if they didn’t live responsible “upstanding lives” and attend church and become involved in community events. Most of us now have no idea what a community like that would be to live in. Heck, a lot of us don’t even know our neighbors so our actions have a great deal of anonymousity. By involving kids in a church or whatever faith you have they then have that community to be responsible to. Also, kids learn the most from their same gender parent about how to live as a man or woman. Try to be the person you’d like them to be, and if you don’t have a husband who can do that then give them additional role models to look to that do.

S.,
I found the request yesterday disturbing as well. There are so many issues at stake it can be overwhelming and honestly I didn't know where to begin in responding at first.
Your request that I first viewed this morning has nudged me to elicit a response.
We as women and men have been lied to by our culture. I say this not in judgment of any individual regarding their circumstance for I have been decieved as well. This is a topic that is close to my heart and i am passionate about exploring.
I am the mother of a son who is at this time very young. I am also concerned for my daughters (one a teenager)who will encounter men in thier life who may have a disregard for responsiblity and see them objectively.
We need to be effective communicators to our chidren regarding their inherent "worth" as beings made in the image and likeness of God. Our lives and are sexuality is a gift from our creator. When we view people as disposable objects of "use" it hurts everyone.
There is so much to say regarding this topic that one could write a book.
My advice is to be a role model of good behavior for your children, allow your children to develop self-discipline and seek God first in all things. Ask yourself and your children in all situations the question, "What legacy will you leave for others to follow?", "Is this the person you want to be?", "What is your divine purpose in life and are you fulfilling it?". These are hard questions for anyone but definitely worth taking the time to ask.
Read books that will inspire you and your famiy to grow and mature spiritually.
Some recommendations are:
"BE A MAN" by Father Larry Richards
"Character Matters: How to Help our Children" by Thomas Lickora
"Christian Fatherhood" by Stephen Wood w/ James Burnham
"How to Win the Culture War" by Peter Kreeft
"Theology of the Body for Teens"
"Freedom versus Radical Feminism" by Kathline Nitsh
(Life Tools for Women.com)
"God's Plan for You" by David Hajduk
"Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" by Meg Meeker

In addition there are great role models promoting chastity today for teens...yes it is possible!
Look up Jason and Chrystalina Everett on the web to start.
Also there are shows promoting men to be "real" men by protecting and defending thier families like
"Crossing the Goal" on EWTN.

There are challenges but there is also hope. We are all called to something greater than ourselves.
We as individuals need to stop settling for anything less than living in a true,committed and covenantal relationship that includes God.

God Bless!

I had to respond to this post. It is definitely possible to raise responsible, well adjusted men. I have seen it first hand in my brother and my husband who were both raised by single mothers. Neither one had a positive male role model until later in life and both are wonderful husbands and fathers today. We, as women and mothers play an important role in shaping the lives of the children we raise but specifically in the case of raising sons it is possible to teach them to be good men later in life. We need to instill confidence and security as well as teaching them right from wrong, how to respect women and how to be overall responsible human beings.

I understand your frustration in your post since I have a father who fits the description, but I do think much of what you wrote stereotypes all men as being lazy, irresponsible and immature. This isn't the case. There are definitely men in this world who would go to the ends of the Earth for their wives and children and I am lucky enough to have a husband and a brother who happen to be those men.

I guess I have been lucky in the fact I have a kind and caring husband ( oh yeah, he has his "MAN" days). I have 2 boys,5&9 and a little girl, just turned 2. My oldest son is the most empathic and caring PERSON I have ever met. He knows how to treat girls and is feircly loyal to his family and friends. When he was almost 3, we were at a SuperBowl party and a friend of mine's boyfriend was wrestleing around with her daughter.(all in fun). She was squealing let me go and laughing but my son stood there watching. Finally, he walked up to this grown man and said,"HEY! STOP! You DON'T HIT GIRLS!" OMG, I have never been so proud in all my life! Everyone just stood and stared and then clapped, laughed and told us what a great person he was gonna be. Our 5 yr old is coming along just like that.
They always say "Mommy, Can I ask/tell you something?" I always say"You can tell me ANYTHING". and believe me they do!lol I'm unemployed right now so I am with them most of the time and I try teach them good values and honesty. I feel if there is good communication between a mother and her sons, they will do the right thing. You just have to be NOT afraid of what they ask or say and be as truthful with them as you want them to be with you.

I am so glad to read what you have written. Although not all men fit this mold, too many do.

I feel that a positive male influence is the best way to teach a boy the important things about being a "good" man, however in this world, that is not always available, so we, as Moms, MUST give them the best tools we can to make up for the deficit as well as a different view point all together.

Responsibility in life is the first thing that comes to mind. Loving smartly and with an open heart is the second. Third, treating women that they are a special gift and will give back to you what you offer them are the first few things that come to mind.

We cannot assume that just because our sons may have a fantastic father that we as the mothers should not reinforce what is taught by the adult male in their lives. Letting your sons see how we as women and mothers allow ourselves to be treated is just as important as telling them how it should be done.

Thank you for offering this "thought for the day (week, year and longer)."

Hi S.,
I see your point and raising a boy myself, I want the same thing for him. But, I have one thought and it see this one as prevalent and affecting yours. Since the feminist movement (which I am very grateful for), we have begun to de-male our men. You see it all the time, women treating their other half with disdain and when they try to play their proper role for the children, the moms step in and cut their knees off. I love the concept of Al-anon because it teaches us to focus on oursleves and the fact we cannot control outcome, only our current choice. This lifestyle discontinues the enabling and the perpetration of really trying to control others - which makes them less than they are.
I think both "expecting" our boys to be men, and allowing them to do so by not protecting them against natural consequences shows them we know they can and will be great, responsible, fully male men. By not pushing our values onto them, but understanding that a "real" man is not always how we now define it, should allow that potential.
I look forward to the other comments as well. Great topic for us!
J.