Mothers Day Sucks!

I know you're going to get a lot of responses to your mad mother's day. I don't know if you'll be able to hear what I'm saying, but I was you. It is just as sad and hard, and unfair as you have found it to be. Also like you, the extent of mother's day and other holidays, were only celebrated with those first grade hand prints in clay. But, as she grew older, things improved.

Your son was my daughter, and her father left us when she was 6 weeks old. He was a poet and an actor, and did make a few movies that did well. But he was never involved with his daughter, never paid child support and never knew her. Like you, I was so angry that he could live his life at the beach, go to college, and hang out. As of this weekend, that loser now says he wished he knew then what he knows now. My daughter is gracious about letting him get to know her, because she is such a fine woman, and a successful woman, who is still married 7 years to an incredible great guy.

My life, like yours was all about my daughter and working two jobs at a time. when she was 4, I decided to go to college. A pretty far out task for high school failure.

I remember having to study through the night, all night, so I could get high grades grades. I would look at my daughter sleeping and knew I had to succeed. I went to college while on welfare after having worked for 19 years and still didn't even have a car. I started college at 27.

But here's what I want you to know: The truth is you can turn this all around and make everyday a day to celebrate. It is an illusion that you are being punished by the father's irresponsibility, and stupidity. But it is clear that you feel that way. Imagine the way your son interprets your unhappiness.

He's not there to punish the two of you, so you are doing it for him. Buy yourself some flowers and take your son to a great lunch. We teach people how to treat us.

Imagine how he (your son) will feel about himself when he is older and understands what kind of man his father is. Having a man around can be wonderful, but you can't make progress if you "need" him to be whole person.

You have to raise your son to be a good man.
And you CAN embrace life for hw it actually is, instead of how you think it should be. you are losing time and wasting precious moments feeling so angry and sad.

It's 30 years later and my daughter become one of Seattle's best girl band, Mavis Piggot, and got an A+ on her sophomore CD the week Mel Gibson was on the the front of Entertainment Weekly. Then she went on to become one of the designers on the design show, Curb Appeal.

Me? I earned two degrees, thanks to scholarships to GWU, and turned down Oprah to talk about how I turned my life around. (Yes, really.)

Raise your son like the success he was meant to be. You can tell him that his dad is just really confused about what is important, but you know for sure his father loves him more than he loves anything else. You can always say "I don't why his father decides to do what he does." Never say bad remarks about his dad. one day it will occur to him that he is "from" his dad and he might be all the things, too.

Unlike you, and after I made my life a success, I did the exact same thing 19 years later! This time I had a son. But I also had a career, a house in Georgetown, and insurance! And the father left days before his son was born! But it was much more fun the second time it happened! You will never get today back. And I can tell you now that your son is making his memories of his childhood. Be a happy mom for him, a woman who is honored to be his mother.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Milan, don't give up. God certainly has a plan for you. Your temporay struggles will guide you to a better future for you and your son. DO NOT BECOME WEARY IN WELL DOING!!!

Be encouraged and think about what is really good in your life. You have a beautiful child, and guess what? God choose you to be his mom. What a wonderful gift. He knows you can handle it, and will not give you more than you can bear.

You are welcome to vent anytime. I know that helps to reduce some of the anger. If you are able, schedule a teen sitter once per month so that you can get by yourself to relax and refocus. Also, find a safe person to talk to on a regular basis, someone that will support you fully and not judge you. Maybe that someone is in your church. You might consider asking someone to spiritually mentor you, or at least help you out with your son. I wish you well.

For us praying folks on this board, please intercede for her so that God will give her the strenght to make it through, day by day.

Okay take a deep breath... You are not alone, there are lots of us raising our kids alone. I won't tell you don't feel guilty because that is an insult to us all. Just know that even though you have to put your son in day care, you are doing it to build a better life for him. It will get better, I swear.

Just remember we are always here if you need to vent

K.

Everyone feels ambivalent about being a mother from time to time. You are correct- mothering is a sacrifice and 19 or not you know better than anyone that you are responsible for your your actions and I for one applaud your efforts. I think mothering however you work it - you do the best you can by your child- if that means daycare and struggling to study to make you both a better life than that's what you do. Mothers day (a made up holiday by the way) will be nicer when your boy is a little older and can show you how much he loves and appreciates you. Those are the best gifts in the world! This mothers day I got my 7 month old out of bed at 6:30 when he woke up-after going to bed at around 7pm- he slept for nearly 12 hours after weeks of working on his sleep patterns - the BEST GIFT EVER! My 7 year old daughter asked me if I wanted tea.... after asking for breakfast and for me to rub her back. Not the Hallmark picture of mothers day but worth all the breakfast in beds in the world as far as I am concerned. They are children and mothering them is relentless but you made a person not an angel so love that person as much as you can.

My advice- stop looking through the lens of what mother day on TV looks like and appreciate the good mothering job you have done- your son is whole,healthy and has you in his life and you are working the hardest you can- HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!- you deserve it.

You say you're an active church member. Surely there is a source of support. Don't be too proud to ask them for help.

I don't know if these words will be helpful or not, but many women, even those who seem to have so much have made huge mistakes as far as choice in men and have hardships that we may be unable to see.
I understand your frustrations in having to sacrifice so much and sometimes it may seem like, on any given day, the rewards may be little.
Few people speak about the level of sacrifice required to be a mother, which is tripled when you make a real effort to be a good mother, especially when you're single.
I would argue that most women have at some time or another been in a bad relationship, been inconsistent with birth control, and/or have had to make a choice about whether to become a single parent or not. You have to forgive yourself for the mistakes that you may have made in choosing a mate and in conceiving a child with someone unworthy of parenthood. Some things will get easier, but many things will be hard if you're also carrying around the guilt of a poor choice in mates.
I also think that many mothers, married or not, don't always have great Mother's Days. My day was not particularly memorable either. I think we each get lured into buying what is displayed on the Hallmark and jewelry store commercials that on this one day, all good mothers are showered with endless love and thoughtful gifts. The reality is probably closer to many mothers either being a little selfish for a day and pampering themselves or making a special day with their families/kids.
Take a moment to write down several good thoughts about yourself for Mother's Day, about the sacrifices that you have made, about your efforts to do what is best for your child and about your evolution as a person.
Now is not the time to depend on others for your joy, so make some!

Hi M., now that you've gotten that out I hope that you feel a little better. I have to second what one of the other ladies said. Be thankful and grateful for what you have and have accomplished. One thing you must remember is that it was your choice. Yes you were young and didn't know better however it was still a choice. Remember this to shall pass. Be in the moment. You are currently going to school to do something that you love to make a better life for yourself. Stop comparing yourself to others and realize that this is how things are for now. It doesn't mean that you will always be struggling. Take each faze of your life as it comes. Mother's day is what you make it. Stop thinking that it has to be the way society says it should be. You can make it what you want. So what no one is bringing you breakfast in bed. Treat yourself. Take you and your son to brunch, go for a walk in a nice area. I'm not sure where you are. Find a nice park and have a picnic or mini bbq with your son. There's so many ways you can enjoy it.
As for a husband or mate. That too will come in time. Keep doing what you are doing and eventually someone will notice you. Change your anger and disappointment to appreciation and joy. Here's a quote that may help you see things a different way. We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. Joseph Campbell. Be blessed things will get better.

So what, you made a mistake, get over it and enjoy your son. This life is too short to be crying over the past. Learn from what happend and realize it makes you stronger. It's ok to feel what you feel but eventually you will have to move on and forgive yourself (and your baby's father). He knows not what he does. Don't let him win or the negative stuff in your life win you over, you are better than that, you have come so far already.
Cry, then go over your feelings then step out into the light and realize that it could be a hell of alot worse.
You are healthy, your son is healthy, some Mommies do it all alone like you but have babies who are Mentally impaired, like autism or mental retardation. Some Mommies have loving husbands but have died in their prime of life and are left alone with kids. Some people do not have enough food to eat let alone try and feed their kids, some Mommies live in different parts of the world and live in huts and dirt floors with kids by themselves.
Life does suck, and being a mommy does suck somtimes but you have to take what is good in this life and find anything and everything to make it better and find what makes you happy. Life is so damn ironic sometimes, Mommies who work wish they were home with their kids, and some Mommies who are home all day with their kids wish they could go to work. Just play your life with the cards givin to you. People are never happy they are always looking for the BBD (bigger better deal) If only they would stop looking their life would be so much happier. I know I was the same as you, but I got over it and now I am a very happy person.
Cheers

I don't know what's wrong with you. I am a single mother, but became one at a later age(34). My Mother Days have been wonderful. Allow me to be down to earth and frank. You're definitely feeling sorry for yourself. The Lord will not give you anything that you cannot handle. Be creative and use your support systems. them. Most children make Mother Day cards in school or in daycare. Love them,cherish them. I still have all of mine tucked away. My child grew up not having grandparents. My parents are deceased and she has never seen or talked to her father's parents. She has never seen her father, his choice. May have talked with him three times in 18 years. Yet she has a host of uncles, aunts, godparents, play grand and godmothers and friends that thought it not robbery to take her shopping for Mom's Day. Might I add that I was a single parent in military. This meant we were not always physically around most of our support system. (But, trust in the Lord and he will provide you with the angels you need. Lean on Him for guidance). As she got older, she attempted to make the breakfasts and dinners; it then went to gifts and flowers as she got older and could managed these things. It's nothing wrong with talking with him to see what he want to get you for Mother's Day or tell him what you want and together you go shopping for it. Let him do the leg work and you provide the finances. The surprise is gone, but you know it came from the heart, which matters most. She's 18 and away at college this year. I awaited my flowers that had become the routine, but instead, I got an e-card that expressed her love and thoughts to me. So creative, so beautiful, that it just warmed the heart. Train up a child in the way he should go and he will never depart. Don't be so hard on yourself. God gave you a child. This means He found favor in you to enturst you with one of his own. Make Him proud. Give your child back to God to guide and direct his ways. Many years I've told my child all I wanted from her no matter what holiday or celebration is for her to do and be the best she can be. Yet she still manage to surpris eme every year. Enjoy motherhood. It goes by too fast to be entertainig negative thoughts!!! Luv Ya M.!

I love you. I love your honesty. Had we met 10 years ago, I probably sounded a lot like that, and I am married. You are a hardworking mother who loves her son. You are normal. You haven't figured out yet how to have fun while being a mother. That happens when life happens to us. But, I can tell you now, with second child and having found a balance that you can enjoy your life regardless of the circumstances. Do not feel guilty. You made mistakes, as we all did and still do. But, you can turn that mistake into the greatest blessing of your life by shifting your attitude and building pockets of time to relax into your week. I know, you're probably thinking, is she kidding? But, your son is 6 and he won't always be whatever age he is. Be a little more honest with him without tearing his daddy down. Just say, Daddy is not well and it's an illness that can hurt both of us. Not like having a cold or anything that we can help him with, but something that makes him act not like he would if he was well. He won't take our help right now. But, we can pray for him and maybe one day, he'll be able to be a part of your life. Right now, I'm here--like you said. And, one day, there might be another person who can be a father for you. Until then, let's enjoy what God has given us. And, list positive male role models he already has. I know money is tight. But, you live in the Washington area, where there's a ton of freebies. No time to go anywhere? Is the home's backyard offlimits to you? Take your child to the backyard and stare at worms, ants. Walk around neighborhood and point out trees. Can you use the kitchen? Bake cookies or cupcakes together. Give him as much of you as you can spare. You mentioned you're active in church. Get a good support system. If you don't want folks "in your business", that's cool. This is a good place to "vent," which is what you need to do sometimes. Be kind to yourself. You might have made a mistake but you didn't make a bigger one by missing out on being a mother. Yeah, you are living in a basement, but you're not on the street. You're working, trying to create a future for your family, and that's what mothers have done historically. Mothers' Day--yeah, some get breakfast in bed. But, I also looked at it as a day of service to the women in my life. Motherhood is not about what we get, but what we give. It's a lifelong commitment, but, when the tide turns and our little ones are independent. If you've sown for 21 years faithfully, you should reap the benefit of a son who will give to his community but will always honor his mother. This Mother's Day sucked. Take Saturday, go to Walgreens or McDonalds' and have breakfast with your son or take the next holiday (Memorial Day) and catch an IHOP breakfast. Can't afford that? Get a pack of bacon and some eggs, make breakfast sandwiches and take him to the playground and just enjoy his little face. Don't think about the mistake. Focus on who your son can be. And find some time to just enjoy life. If this is a 5-week program, you might have to cut back on a few extracurricular activities that exclude your son until you finish. You can't give to him, give to community, give to job, give to study, and give to survival without feeling resentful. Yeah, you were 20--things would be no different at 40, 50 or 60. But, just look at the fact that when you are 30, he'll be a preteen and you'll still be young enough to find all of those things you think you wanted. I know, 30 sounds ancient. As you continue to grow, you'll see that it all goes by so quickly--their childhood, your life. It's how things are meant to be. If you find a good mentor, someone who has been where you are and has overcome, you'll see what I mean. Meanwhile, just love your child. Love yourself by balancing it all and celebrating your successes, not your mistakes. Love never fails. Be encouraged this day and always.