Mother in Law Crossed the Line

You should absolutely tell her about what she said. That was uncalled for. A Grandma should be a safe place.

J.:

I'm sorry - I don't feel your MIL crossed the line. If your son stole something of theirs, returned it and apologized your son needs to realize the consequences of his actions - taking the TV away for three days isn't much of a consequence for stealing. How does taking TV away from him for 3 days help him connect the dots to stealing?

Your son needs to understand that his actions affected more than just him - his grandparents now no longer trust him. This is a fact of life - you can't sugar coat it for him. For every action there is a reaction - whether it be positive or negative.

At seven he should know the difference between right and wrong. Stealing is wrong. Your MIL had every right to let your son, her grandson, know that he has, in affect, put a wedge in their relationship because he stole something of theirs! AFTER he asked and was told NO!

Talking with a 7 year old about his actions - well, great - he heard about 1 minute of it and then his mind was off racing somewhere else. He stole something and TV was taken away from him for three days?! While your son's attention span may be longer for TV, when it comes to listening to a parents diatribe about his actions, his attention span is about 1 to 3 minutes long.

I understand you are hurt by this whole situation. However, taking TV away for three days isn't showing your son how stealing is wrong.

When my 7 year old stole from me - it took me a while to trust him again. Every day, I checked his pockets and backpack because a vital trust had been broken. Did he like it? NO! Should he have liked it?! NO! Trust is a key element in ANY relationship. He realized that he MUST ask for something he wants - not just take it. If he needed to earn money for it, great - but if it's not yours, DO NOT TOUCH IT is a major rule in our home. You ask permission, if the owner doesn't give it, you say OkAY and move on. You may not like the answer, but it's not yours.

WHY did your son steal?
WHAT was so important about what he stole that he felt he MUST steal it?
These are important questions that should have been asked at the time - now it might be a little late to ask him. Although if his Grandmother's words strike him as hard - they should - and if he still talks about it - ask him WHY he stole!

Does your husband feel that his mother crossed the line?
Your son is hurt and should be - he stole something. The person he stole from confronted him and told him how his actions hurt them. Hopefully, it's a wake up call for your son. I would hope that he will think twice about taking something (stealing) or asking for something, being told NO and taking it anyway - what entitles him to break the rules?

I realize I am in the minority here - thinking that your MIL was out of line. I hope you take a step back and instead of trying to protect your son from life - show him that his actions do have consequences - good and bad.

Take care.

i'm a bit different from most of your respondents. i do think stealing is a big deal, and i think your mil's response was strong, but not 'terrible.' kids need to know that not everyone is going to react 'safely' like mom and dad do. you handled it very appropriately, but your mil is not you and has a right to her own reaction. if your son is genuinely terribly hurt you can use this as a learning and growing opportunity, but i don't think your mil is some vicious villain here. if you don't make it a big deal, i'm thinking she'll calm down and their relationship will not suffer for long.
khairete
S.

I'm sorry, I have to disagree.

Your MIL's phrasing might not have been the best, but I think it is a good learning experience for your son that the things he does have an effect greater than just what punishment Mommy & Daddy may dole out (and, I'm sorry, 3 days of no tv? that's a pretty minimal punishment for a behavior you supposedly want to stop.)

You didn't tell us what he stole, that does have an impact - did he take a piece of candy or an IPOD?
Either way though, your MIL had a right to tell him how his behavior made her feel (though it could have been worded better.) Your son has the right to be upset as well, but you should guide him into the logic of he's upset because Grandma's upset because HE did something bad that he knew he was not supposed to do.

Think about it - if your son had shoplifted something and you made him return it and apologize, do you think that the store manager would not have the right to comment on your son's behavior? (Heck, he'd have the right to call the police, no matter your son's age.) Yes, it is Grandma, not a shop owner, but you've got two issues here - one is the stealing itself, and why he thought it was ok to do, but the other is that he has now broken the trust that Grandma (and you as parents) had in him and that he needs to earn that trust back, do some work to heal that 'wedge' himself.

"He's only 7!" I hear the cries now, but you know, when is it that you think it is time to start teaching him some real consequences for his behavior? When he's 11 and in the tween years when it's cool to diss his parents? While you should cushion the lesson in loving language, he really should learn both these lessons *now*, bacause learning them later will only be more painful for everyone that is involved.

I suggest that you speak to Grandma about what kinds of things that your son can do to earn back her trust or to apologize more fully to her. Explain that your son is upset, but work together to come up with ideas. After that, have a conversation with your son and ask him what he thinks he can do to show Grandma he can be trusted - although only good behavior over time is the real solution I think, but you can encourage him to model that good behavior at Grandma's. You can also give him some of the suggestions that Grandma had. Alternatively, you can let him have the conversation directly with Grandma.

I think the other poster had a good idea of an outing of Grandma and your son together, sounds like he does need to be reassured that Grandma still loves him, but he should understand that breaking someone's trust can have long-term repercussions which can't always be fixed just because he says he's sorry.

Good luck!

Hi J.,

Talk to your M-I-L about how you perceived the situation.

Let her tell you how she perceived the situation. Both of you have an element of truth in what occurred in response to each other's behavior.

It is great that you want to resolve this issue early on.

Good luck. D.

I would definitely agree that what the MIL said was ENTIRELY inappropriate. It actually made me quite sad to read that. Having his OWN grandmother say that to him is WAY too much for him to handle.

I'd comfort him by telling him that everyone, even adults, don't always say the right things, and tell him that Grandma does love him. THEN- behind the scenes I would DEFINITELY let Grandma know how awful of a thing that is to say! Hopefully she'll understand and have a nice talk to your son, if not then that is her decision and as far as I would be concerned the MIL would HERSELF be "putting a wedge" -if not MORE- between herself and her son's family!

How I'd let her know, I can't help with that. My advice would be driven by emotion, so it would not be the best... (this is coming from a mom who's fed-up with her own MIL- so there IS some bitterness...)

On a light note- for fun, you should get this book titled M.I.L.D.E.W... it is hilarious!!! It stands for "Mothers In Law Do Everything Wrong"

Hope I helped a little bit.

Rebecca

I dont think that your MIL really should have phrased it that way but your son should know the seriousness of what he did. Think of how you would feel if you found out that a 7 year old classmate of your son took something from his desk at school. The child who stole from your son would get in trouble at school (and rightly so) and you can better believe the teachers would watch him more closely. They dont take that behavior lightly at age 7. This can be a great teachable moment in his life!

What a great learning experience for your son! and at such an early age. He will learn that all through his life people will react to his behaviour in various ways. You MIL spoke her mind which is her truth... he has put a wedge between them by stealing and trusting him will now be an issue. He should be feeling bad about the wedge he caused and sounds as though he is already sorry for it. This will teach him to be more responsible in regards to his actions and a whole lot about trust.

Stealing is a serious issue and causes distrust in others. Do you trust that he will not do it again? You may have explained the consequences to him but your MIL actually showed him the consequences! Thank her!

if that's all that she said it sounds to me like she was telling him that she cant trust him and hes going to be sorry to find out the things it means when one cant trust you. find out what she really meant though. see how far she is taking the statement. like does she mean he wont be trusted in her house to wander alone for awhile or that he's no longer getting what was writen in her will. then explain it to him and then you can tell her how you feel about it.

My heart began to ache when I read what your MIL said to your son. I just don't even want to imagine what went through his head when he heard that. I would definitely tell her that you and your husband are capable of handling it yourselves (and you alreay have!) and that what she said was incredibly hurtful. Your son may have known that stealing is wrong, but he probably didn't know before now that it could so negatively affect relationships, and grandparents, i would think, should be the LAST people being so harsh to a child. I'm so sorry this happened!

You handled the situation great, and it was YOUR situation to handle not hers. I would definitely let her know that you had already handled the situation and that her comment was hurtful to your son. You have a long road ahead of you and you don't want her to continue doing things like this. Be sure to tell your son that it was inappropriate and hurtful of Grandma to say that to him and that it is not ok to treat people that way. He needs to know that you are on his side and will back him up and that it is not ok to talk to people in a hurtful way or he may think it is ok.

I would definitely talk to her. From what she said I can read several things into it. One that she won't want to see your son or two that her trust in him is a little bit shattered. If it is the first than I think that is way too harsh but if its the latter I don't think 7 years old is too young to understand the consequences of their actions. Ask her to clarify exactly what it meant and tell her also how you took it. But I also do think you handled the situation appropriately. Once you talk to her first than try having a conversation with the grandparents, you and your husband and your son and explain how everyone feels. Just make sure that everyone feels comfortable with what the other ones are thinking before you bring the children in as it wouldn't be good to start arguing in front of him. But it should be done soon so that your child and you too won't be thinking the worst and resentment building. Good luck. It is a really tricky situation.

That is sad! I think that there are some people, that just have very different ideas of getting things across to children. When I was in college, while I was student teaching, I was working with the teacher of the classroom once when a boy was caught in a lie. That teacher was HORRIBLE to him. He was in hysterics, could barely breath, because she kept telling him that she can't trust him anymore, and he will have to earn her trust back...trying to get him to confess. It was rediculous...and he was also 7. And it was over something stupid? I thought to be that young, and feel like your teacher doesn't trust is not a good message, when they should be able to rely on the teacher. Finally I stepped in and told him it was okay if he made a mistake, he just needs to tell us. And in an instant, he said he made a mistake! That was all he needed, a bit of understanding. It sounds like your mother in law is the same way...maybe she is just trying to be harsh in that manner to get him to understand it was wrong to do what he did. I think that since you are his parents, and it bothers him and you that much, definitely say something to her. Let her know how upset and hurt he really is by it, and that you feel she has let treated him beyond his years, and didn't give him room to make a 7 year old's mistake. Ask if she truly really feels that he has put a wedge between the two of them. If so, you have learned a lot about her! If not, see if you can get her to talk to him more age apropriate.
K.

Dear J. H:
You and your husband did the right thing in reprimanded your son. Your Mother-in-Law has put fear into your son, that should not happen at all. She needs to appologize to your son, so that he will not be fearful of her. You never know how a young mind thinks when they look at an adult of authority. You continue to be the excellent mom you are for your children.

J.!! How dare she?? What is she thinking?? J., you have to talk to her immediately, privately, respectfully and truthfully about what she said-- firstly, would she- as the ADULT- let her GRANDCHILD'S mistake (and first offense) put a wedge between them?? What kind of love is that? My mother woulD NEVER say that to my kids!!!!! You know it is our job to handle the adult situations that our children come across. That is my opinion... and I think you should tell her that this really hurt your son, and you-- to think that ANY situation would be allowed to put a wedge between the love between a grandmom and a grandchild.. I think I am upset too!!! I would explain to her very lovingly that you would think that nothing could separate the love of a granny to a grand-- he's not perfect.. and will do many many things wrong.. his mistakes are your opportunity to teach-- hey we don't steal.. when u steal-- people don't trust you or want u around.. blabla
I would hope that the final outcome would be your mom-in-law having a heart to heart session with your son, alone or in your presence, where she says she loves him and that nothing he could do could stop that. NOTHING would be able to put a wedge in between their bond.. thats what she should make him understand... what a traumatic thing for a child to hear!! Please let us know what happens.. God Bless

L.

Dear J., MIL situations can be sticky! Feelings are never wrong - how you feel is how you feel! I would feel the same way. I think she overreacted and was inappropriate in what she said. It may be best if you say nothing; is your husband willing to step up and talk to his mom? Hopefully, she will "get over it"; it would be ridiculous and immature of her to hold a grudge agaianst a 7 year-old! Surely, your son will get over it at his young age. Good luck. N. B.

If I were in your shoes I would talk to her. I have a 4 yr old son and if my mother-in-law said that to him I would be having words with her. Now your son is not going to want to be around her. He has been made to feel strange around her. Some words you just can't take back and I would let her know that. But before you do anything I think I would be making my husband have words with his mother. Your husband needs to stand up for his son. Good Luck!!

You or your husband or both should tell her that she hurt your son's feelings and she should it explain to him what she meant. What he heard is "I don't love you anymore." I assume she really meant that it made her sad that he violated her trust, and she hope she won't do it again. But she knows he is not a bad boy, he just did a bad thing. Etc.

However, if she meant what she said, then I would inform her that you won't allow your son to be made to feel the way she made him feel and you expect her to keep her opinions to herself in the future. You disciplined your son, that is enough. Even in her house, it is your job to discipline and if you are doing that, then nothing more is needed.

Then next time she says something like that, I would say, IN FRONT OF YOUR SON, "Grandma, you dont't really mean that!" Or "Grandma, you are overreacting, Billy is a good boy." Etc.

I think that she needs to fix the situation. If she won't, then you ned to explain to your son that you think his grandmother did the wrong thing, but that you have to acccept that some people just aren't always nice or forgiving. That is the truth right? If he thinks Grandma is perfect, then you are sending the message that what she did was okay. People are not perfect.

In the future, I would be prepared to defend your son, in front of your son. He needs you to use the words he can't. He believes what adults, especially his family, say. And if you are silent when you hear something like that, you are telling him she is right. It may be uncomfortable for you but you need to defend him so he learns to defend himself. And it doesn't have to be hostile, but you should make it clear that you disagree. Like above, "Billy is a good boy, but he made a mistake. I hope you don't mean what you said." and then quickly change the subject. Let him know that you are on his side, but give hime the skills he needs to cope with a difficult grandmother and difficult people.

Hi, J.. Wow. I think you guys did a great job with the discipline part. I agree that your MIL was totally inappropriate with her remark. "You'll be sorry that you put this wedge between us." He's 7 years old for goodness sakes. My nephew (at a much older age and should have known better) took money from my mother's purse on several occasions. She was dissapointed in him and told him so, but there was never a wedge -- she loved and accepted him just as much as she always did. I think your MIL will be the one that is sorry because your son will remember this forever and it really may put a wedge between them, but it is her doing -- not his. I would ask my husband to sit down with me and his parents (depending on how your FIL reacted -- maybe it should just be with your MIL) and tell them (calmly) how offensive the remark was to both you and your child. Maybe she doesn't realize how it sounded. Give her a chance to explain/redeem herself. If she feels justified to make remarks like that, I would limit my families contact with her.

I too have a MIL that often crosses the line in every way. Fortunately my daughter is not old enough to reap the consequenses. I would politley sit down with your MIL (or over the phone if this is not possible) and let her know how her words made your son feel. As hard as it may be, I would refrain from the anger and dissapointment that you feel towards her, but rather let her know how your son was affected by her words. She will probably excuse her actions by blaming your son for trying to steal from her, however, you can kindly explain to her that your husband and you dealt with the desipline aspect of his actions. Another way you can get through to her is by having your son write a note about how sorry he was and to also include how upset that he was to hear those words form her. I hope this helps. Let me know what you decide. Unfortunatley, I feel that I will be in your boat in a few years when my daughter is older. Good Luck!

It sounds like you handled the incident well. It also sounds like something should be said to your MIL. We have a rule in our house that we always present a united front to our parents and if something needs to be said to them then it comes from their child. So I would recommend having your husband talk to your MIL and present the concerns you both have over her comment. It will only make things worse if he goes and says J. feels this way. I would also recommend trying to keep this a positive experience by making sure that he starts with all of the things you both appreciate about her as a grandmother and give her the benefit of the doubt that she did not mean to upset your son . She was probably just trying to drive home the point that stealing interferes with trust. The thing is she had her turn to parent and now she needs to let you have yours. If she doesn't like what you are doing then I would make it clear to her that you value her opinion and are willing to hear any suggestions she has. We have done this with my in-laws. They were concerned that we were disciplining one of the boys for lying. They thought he was just being creative and we were squashing his creativity. We heard her out and then explained our point of view. These little things come up here and there but we try to remember that they are only interfering in love and we must confront when necessary in love.

Oh man, that was so inappropriate and hurtful. Was she aware that you and your husband disciplined him appropriately? I am not sure the tv thing had any point but if thats what you chose to do ... I just started a discipline change here. I try to make the punishment fit the crime. If dd breaks a rule outside the tv has nothing to do w/ that so we dont use that for the punishment we use outside as a punishment. For instance, she failed to clean up the toys after playing and being reminded to clean up a few times. Punishment: sweep the sidewalks, rake the yard, clean up after her 2 siblings every day for a week. That should teach her respect for the yard and toys and show her to take pride in how nice it looks after her hard work.
I hope that make sense. Anyway, sorry to stray.
I would definately let your mil know that you son was very hurt by what she said. Him disobeying and taking what didnt belong to him should not drive a wedge between him and the grandparents. That statement was way over the top.
Just say hey, listen "bobby" has been really upset by what you said, it hurt his feelings very badly. Tell her there is nothing wrong w/ her having a chat w/ him about his actions to reinforce what you all told him but that she should never attack his emotions that way. I hope that she will be able to see that she was way off base and can apologize for saying something so hurtfull and that they can mend their relationship. GL>

What is your husband's view of the situation? If he's "typical" I'm sure he's saying something like, "it's no big deal." At least that's what my hubby would be saying since it is HIS mom. HOwever, it's NOT okay that she said that. Is she the type of person that will cut off ties? Did she really mean what she said? Does she really NOT trust a 7 year old for pushing boundries? That's what 7 year olds do. I think you've handled the situation appropriately. If you feel comfortable talking to her, than do it. She's an adult and he's a child and she needs to act like an adult and a grandmother and unconditionally love her family. Of course this may be a misunderstanding and could have meant something like, "you don't WANT to do something that could cause your family to not trust you." Of course, not everyone can put words to their feelings when they're hurt which she probably was. I'm sure if she hears what your family heard her say she'll feel bad and even apologize to your son, which would be the appropriate thing to do to show him that it's okay to make a mistake (as he did) and that your family will still love you (as she does). It will be the best learning experience for you all and probably bring you closer. Good luck.

Hi J.,

My name is D. and I have been married for 21 years. My biggest mistake and the thing that caused the most problems in my marriage is NOT speaking up to my Mother in-law when she said something hurtful or criticized my children.

The reason I didn't speak up is because I wanted to keep peace and I was bascially too weak. However, I made the situation worse by not speaking up. If I had put her in her place from the very beginning, we would have a relationship today.

I definitely think you should say something because she hurt your son. If you don't, you are giving her permission to hurt your son again and she will. I am a big Dr. Phil fan and he always says, "we teach people how to treat us." That's exactly what I did with my MIL -- I taught her how to treat me and my family poorly. You need to teach her that she WILL treat you and your family with respect.

Tell her it is your place to discipline and what she said to your son really hurt his feelings and that she owes him an apology. I told my MIL the same thing and to this day she has still not apologized. We will not have a relationship with her until she does.

Good luck and let me know what happens.

D.

She definitely crossed it! Did she say that to him right in front of you? If so I would've said something right then and there. What she said is horrible. If she wanted to express disappointment she should she have told him that if he did something like that again she wouldn't trust him and he would have to earn her trust back! It's not like he is 12 and doing this.If anyone is putting a wedge it is her, if she is hurtful like that to him, your son will remember and won't want to be around her! Talk to her and set her straight!

I think your MIL was trying to teach your son about how stealing causes mistrust- however, I have a problem with the phrasing of the comment- "you'll be sorry" sounds a lot like a threat that at some point Grandma won't love him anymore. She could have phrased it better- ie. "when you take something from Grandma it upsets me, and I feel like I can't trust you right anymore." I am not against him knowing that stealing affects his relationship with his G'ma- but I don't think he should have to wonder if G'ma loves him.

She probably doesn't know how long your son is hanging on to this. You should tell her about how much he took it to heart, and that you hope soon the two of them could do something together to heal the relationship. She's a Grandma- I would hope she could understand this.

Hope it all works out!

Goodness. Your MIL was completely out of line saying such hurtful things to your 7 year old! You and your husband handled this situation perfectly so MIL needn't have said anything at all. Gosh, what your son did was wrong and at 7, I am sure he knew he should not take anything. That being said, again he is just 7 and is still a young child who like most other young children just lack that impulse control sometimes, especially when they want something so bad. Being at his grandparents house, just makes it a little more justified for a young person to just "take" what they want. Grandparents' homes are magical places with all kinds of neat things! I am not making light of this situation, yet just seeing it from a different perspective. Your son did something wrong, he was punished...he should not feel like he permanently severed a loving relationship with his grandmother. This has long lasting effects and I am so sad for your son that your MIL treated him this way. Yes! Yes! Yes! you should speak with MIL (with husbands support) and express how you feel to her. Perhaps, she just does not even think what she said was that bad. Different generations obviously express things in different ways. You and your son may feel so much better about this once you have discussed it with her. If not, one thing is for sure, your son will know that there will never be a wedge between the two of you. Good, bad, we are our children's first advocates and our love needs to remain unconditional, as your is. Good Luck!

That's crazy!@! I agree that you should address it, and soon. Bad feelings have a way of festering and causing huge problems in families. Stealing IS wrong, but most kids will try it once or twice and that does not make your son a bad kid, as your MIL probably made him feel. You disciplined him appropriately and did so without doing permanent harm (unlike your MIL's comment!!). Maybe you can point out that the "wedge" was placed by her words, not by your son's bad deed. After you tell her how hurtful her comment was, it's up to your MIL to fix this, if she wants to mend the hurt feelings she's caused.

I agree, your MIL must have forgotten how young 7 really is.

i agree that your mil has a right to express her distrust in your son but to phrase it so harshly...she basically said "you broke my trust and now i can't love you and will hold this grudge for a long time." what an awful message to send out to a kid of any age. you should have a talk with her saying you respect her opinion and authority but what she said really hurt your son and she should explain what she really meant: that she will always love him even when he makes mistakes but that she was so hurt and disappointed when he stole from her. while taking away the tv doesn't really seem like a fitting punishment for stealing (they don't really have anything in common) if your son watches tv a lot i can see how it would be a constant reminder of what he did wrong every time he couldnt watch his favorite shows. i hope you didn't tivo them or anything tho cuz allowing him to watch them just a few days later is really no biggie for him. however i congratulate you on handling the situation so calm quick and collectively and would like you to remind your MIL that we don't believe in double jeopardy; if you have already handled the punishment she has absolutely no right to punishment him again for the same mistake even if she thinks you didn't handle it correctly. remind her he is your son and while you respect her and her parenting very much, you are the mother this time and your judgment will do.

I would talk to her about what she said and how it not only made YOU feel but more so how it made your son feel! My first concern is my children and their feelings and NOT hers. He is 7, he made a mistake, he did not mean any harm by it.

Yes that was extremely inappropriate of her to say and I do think she should know. If you and your MIL are close, by all means you should tell her. If not then your husband needs to. Either way, someone needs to tell her that she hurt your son - HER GRANDSON - and it's something he won't soon forget. Comments stay with kids for a long time, sometimes forever, and something like that can't be taken back. So sad that such a grown woman can act like a 7 year old herself. Good luck.