Mother-In-Law Help!

Mother-in-laws are ALWAYS a pain in the butt.. i had the same problem with mine.. we NEVER got along! She was always sticking her nose in our business.. she is part of the reason I am now an "ex"-daughter in law..lol.. She even got to the point of where she wouldn't except my son because he isn't biologically part of her family.. so she made me and him feel unwelcome everytime we were around.. So i got the point where i didn't want to be around them, and made it clear she couldn't be around my son! It was so bad, that for his first christmas he didn't even get a merry christmas from her... and On his first birthday she only did for him because my family and there family were around.. So she did it for a show! I AM SO GLAD THAT I AM NOT PART OF THAT FAMILY ANYMORE! My son is so much better off with out them.. I hated myself for the longest time for adopting him into a family that treated him so different and like he didn't matter.. but now there not around.. i am so happy that my family loves him and treat him like he is biologically mine! I wouldn't trade him for anything.. But Hunny NEVER Let your mother-in-law treat your kids that way..

My best advice is to check out www.motherinlawstories.com. There are several message boards to get advice from all of us in similar situations.

My in-laws live 8 hours away, thank goodness, or my MIL would be dropping by unannounced all the time as well. She actually did once, but I was at work, so I told her later that I didn't appreciate it, and it hasn't happened since. I decided then that if she ever did that again, I would tell her that I had to be somewhere, swoop up my daughter, and leave for a few hours. Since the reason she would be coming over would be to see my daughter (their only grandchild), I think this would be pretty effective. You could always try this when she comes over uninvited, and simply say, "We have plans, and you should have called to make sure it was okay for you to come over. See you later." as you walk out the door. If leaving promptly with the kids doesn't get the message across, you may have to be more direct. I would suggest talking to your husband and asking him how he feels when his mother is around. My husband was very much under his mom's (and grandparent's) thumb for a few years after we were married, and it took a lot of work on both our parts to get to the point where they no longer run our lives. My advice- tackle the the thing that bothers you the most first (sounds like that is the dropping in uninvited), and then move on to the next worst habit. Keep in mind that people don't like to change, and some never do, so it will take a lot of time. You basically have to teach her manners, and she has had over 40 years to create bad habits. One thing I realized I had was the power to say "No" to my MIL. I've said that she couldn't stay here and had to stay in a hotel just because she wanted to stay here for 5 or 6 days, and I knew that was a disaster waiting to happen. Small doses work wonders! Also, be direct. Tell her no, tell her how it's going to be, and put your foot down. It's your house and your kids, and if she is there she is going to have to do it the way you want. Try to be tactful and respectful if at all possible, or you will end up looking like the jerk instead of her. My MIL finally understands, and I rarely have issues with her anymore. Hopefully this helps!

Hello M.!

I have been married for 32yrs. and I've learned that when my husband and I are not in agreement-WAIT until we are! Your extended family is important, but your immediate family are more important! You may need to agree to disagree in order to maintain the delicate balance of unity within your home!!! According to Psalms 133..."where there is unity God commands the blessing"...whatever the blessing might be!!! Who knows, if your husband senses your willingness to give, he just might put the appropriate boundaries around the relationship with his mom! I hope this will help!

Mrs. G

I agree with Jenny, You need to let your mother-in-law know it is your home your family she has no right to tell you how to live and what to do when. You husband also needs to let his mother know this I would have him tell her with you by his side so it doesn't come from you first let him tell his mother what she is doing wrong in your home.
Good Luck

M.,
See if you can find a way to state in non-confrontational terms to your MIL exactly what bothers you. Not "You boss us around," but "When you tell me to make dinner and tell the kids to set the table in our home, it seems that you are the boss." Give actual examples.

Also, I'll just mention that EVERYONE has this ridiculous notion that "you have to have the full support of your husband and he needs to talk to his family on your behalf." What cave have they been living in? If the husband was actually supportive, he would have already addressed the issue on his own. Any problems with my in-laws, and my husband actually AGREES with them and lets them know it. If you are in this boat, I wish you well.

Try to also tell her things she CAN do. Like, explain how inconvenient it is for her to arrive unannounced, but if she calls to arrange a visit, you will all have more fun.

Best wishes,
K.

I'm in a simaliar situation although my MIL jusy doen't like me shes even gone so far as to tell my husband if he wants to have any money he should leave me! But my suggestion to you is to sit down with your husband first and tell him your feeling. It's HIS place to talk to his family, He needs to set the rules with his mom and if that can't be accomplished then you'll need to step in. Tell her it's your family and there are certian ways YOU need to have it run. Good luck

Hi M..
I am not in your situation but I can not say my husband was not a mama's boy when we got married and probably still is but........if there is any kind of situation, he puts me first. Obviously your husband doesn't have big enough balls to put you first and pull away from his mother. When you get married and have a family, it's past time to grow up and that involves standing your ground for the best for your 'family.'
Good luck and you say you are in Ohio. There is a wonderful autistic school at the Cleveland Clinic rehab facility on Martin Luter King Drive. I had the privelege of working there for six weeks and they perform miracles with these children!
If you are not close to that area, maybe they could suggest another good one for you. Just a thought. These kids are darling and it's amazing what they can do. Don't give up

Hi M.,

I can relate. I have similar problems with my mother. In my situation, there came a time when I just had to tell her that I wanted her to be a part of our lives but not to run them. She had to stop interfering with the way my husband and I raise our immediate family. I asked her how she would have felt if someone had interfered with the way she raised her children. I also pointed out that times have changed and that she may have found the way she raised her kids to be effective then but our way is what works for us. For instance, my parents always relied on guilt trips and the "because I said so" philosophy during my childhood... my husband and I prefer to explain to our daughter the reasons behind our decisions and use positive reinforcement. What's really crucial is that your husband backs you up. No matter how you decide to handle your mother-in-law, you need his full support.

It sounds like when she's not around, you and your husband are very happy. Maybe if you mutually agree to some restrictions for your mother-in-law (like no unannounced visits) and really enforce them, you can work this out without any further drastic measures.

Best of Luck!

J.