How Do I Talk to My Mother in Law?

I know a bit about how you fee. My solution was to not answer the phone when my PILs called. Its not that I don't like them but I have had enough when we are all doing the best we can. The bottom line with most inlaws is that nobody is good enought for their baby nobody. So I just dont see that as a winable situation and chose to avoid it when I can. SO my advice CALLER ID

From what I hear most mother inlaws are evil. However, My mother in law was the Queen of Hell.She was the creature of monster in law I beleive. We go to her house if and only if it is unavoidable. She only comes to mine if her son guilts her in to it. I set a rule that my house is my house and if you do'nt like it do not come in. I don't tell you what to do in your house so stay out of mine. We did the argue thing and the fight thing. What works for us is MIND YOU OWN BUSINESS LADY.

Sorry so negative but if there is problems fix it before it is to late. Let her/him know now you are not taking it nad stand your ground.

i can imagine how frustrating this is for you. i suppose you can just nod and smile or over the phone agree with most of what she says and then in your own home run your household as smoothly as you have been doing for the past 4 years.
or if you wanted to be childish (dont really do this) you could call her up and start telling her how to run her household!
and remember, your household is your fiances household, and it is his mother that is doing this to you. have him talk to her and tell her to stop. have him tell her that you are a competent woman with experience and he trusts you and to stop telling you what to do.

The first thing I would do is try to understand her perspective. Her kids have grown up and left home and she is trying to get involved with their spouses and her grandkids. But it doesn't sound like her methodology is the best. But if your own mom is anything like my mom, she does it too! I think you have two choices: you can either (gently) confront her about it and explain that while you appreciate her concern, you are managing your family's affairs very well; or you can just do what most of us do with our own moms: just smile and nod and continue doing things your own way.

I think the best think to do is to be honest w/your mother-in-law abt how you feel & let her know thatyou dont mean to hurt her feelings but you need to let her know that you have your own way of doing things & that you value any suggestions she might have.

"Well, that's an idea." or "Hmm. Sounds interesting." or "That might work" and then you go right on with things your own way. I understand completely. My in-laws have always thought I was using my husband (for what I have yet to figure out, he doesn't have anything). They think that I am wrong in everything I do so I either don't talk much around them or when I have to I smile and say something close to the previous statements and move on. Noone has the right to tell anyone how to live their lives or how to handle their own house. What worked (or not) in her house probably won't work in your. You and your fiance are the product of two toal different backgrounds and you have to find what works for you. Good Luck.

A.,
You are facing the universal problem of women everywhere--the disapproving MIL. If you get any really good solutions to this one, I am reading it, too. My MIL was initially approving when we got married (OK, she was just so relieved that SOMEONE was marrying her nearly-40 son, and oldest, and none of her other children were married yet, and she might FINALLY get grandkids). As time has passed, though, my rating has spiraled down, down, down. I had a son, so that helped for a bit, but then the second child was also a son when a girl had been ordered, and it's been downhill ever since. I am too messy, I don't treat my husband kindly enough, my house is not neat enough, I am too fat, my friends are too fat, my kids are undisciplined brats, my job both takes me out of the house too much and doesn't pay enough, I complain all the time, and my mostly-vegetarian cooking (that my husband loves) isn't good enough. So aside from being a complete failure as a woman, wife, and mother, I'm just fine.
Thing is, they'll (oh, yeah, because the FIL shares the same views) be nice but then slide some zinger in there every so often, just so I KNOW they disapprove.
Yeah, I mostly don't know what to do. I didn't mean to rant--just know you are truly not alone.
Best wishes,
K.

Hello A.;

I am a mother-in-law and my daughter-in-law and I have a very good relationship now, but it wasn't always that way. Being a Christian that believes the Bible is our instruction manual not just to guide us to heaven, but teaches how to live in right relationship with each other on earth as well. As with any relationship (and this will be an important relationship) it takes work and wisdom from above!
I noticed that you said you love your mother-in-law to be (am I correct in assuming that this is your fiancee's mother?)! Be patient with her and be kind. She probably has your best interest at heart. Consider what she's saying, and try to listen with a teachable heart. If something is said that you cannot agree with, thank her for the advice, but politely let her know that you've already made your decision. The more mature you respond the more respect you will gain.
Remember, Proverbs 15:1 says; "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."
Sometimes you just need to "agree" to "disagree"!
Does your mother-in-law have qualities that you respect and perhaps can even glean from? Be a good fruit inspector! Keep the good fruit, and throw away the bad!! Find out directly from her what the talk is all about and attempt to resolve and silence misunderstandings with peaceful confrontation.
It may seem as though it's an aweful lot of work, but it will be worth the love, time and effort for the future of your new family unit!

Keep Hope Alive!

Just like with any advice that people give smile and nod and say thank you and use what you feel will work in your lifestyle and dismiss the rest.

Your MIL is probably missing her son - I've seen both sides of the MIL relationship - having a MIL of my own and watching my own mother be a MIL to my SIL. Speaking on my Mom's behave when she gives advice to my SIL she is only trying to help out, it is good natured and it's not because she feels my SIL is doing things "wrong", but because she's been there and done that and learned from it. I'm sure some of the advice that she gives to you when you think about it later is probably really good.

I have the opposite problem with my MIL that you do - my MIL won't do anything for me, she comes to visit and cleans my BIL's apartment every time she comes, but when she steps foot in my house she doesn't lift a finger not even to get her own cup of coffee. When we go out to eat together, she buys food for my BIL but not for my husband, myself or our kids, unless I'm not with them then she will buy for everyone (when she does buy). She is so afraid of offending me that she is offending me.

OK enough of my rambling - I think that I've tried to give some kind of advice on this situation, but alas I do like to go out on tangents.

Take Care,
Mel

hey A.!
i'm sorry you're having trouble with your MIL. mine's also pretty bad, and i got a ton of advice from the ladies here, which was really helpful.
if you don't want to have a big confrontation, i would just pretend to listen, but go ahead and do things your own way. if you feel like you have to say something, you could try something like 'i really appreciate your advice mom, but i have to do what works best for me.' or 'that idea you had about such and such sounds great, maybe i'll give it a try' and then just don't. or say you tried it but it just didn't work for you.
my MIL is very . . . well, she is very difficult to deal with. she doesn't try to tell me how to run my house but she has all sorts of unsolicited advice which runs against the ideas i have. i agonized over it for awhile, but then i decided that it just wasnt worth the stress. when she says something offensive, i just ignore it. you have to do things the way that's best for you, and no one else.
stay strong, and talk to your fiancee about it. he has to be with you on things.

oh another thing lots of folks told me is that the MIL may be jealous. you're taking her boy away. so her telling you how to run things may be her way of trying to keep taking care of her son. just ignore it.

I talked to her as if she was my mom, but with less detail. Just breezy and chatty. I was blessed with the best ma-in-law in the world though and I miss her a lot. I would reccomend Listen to her advice(you don't have to take it) and when you have relationship problems ...go to someone else. Don't give details to someone you can't trust. Its like being a teenager agian, I guess. ("how was your day honey" .."fine")
I would hesitate to confront her unless she's really going overboard.

Have you told you fiance what's going on? a nugget of wisdom I got from watching Dr. Phil is to enlist the assistance of the "insider". Have your fiance mediate a solution so that you and your MIL can co-exist.

I've used this several times with my husband and it really does help to difuse family conflicts between me and my in-laws. The trick is you have to make him understand your desire to have a "good" relationship with his mother and let him know how badly her behavior is making you feel.

Okay, express how you feel, but I am not sure that will help. Accept that she is like that and let it go...your family (husband, children) are what matters...I HAVE BEEN there, have class, smile at holidays, and you will be the winner in the end. I know she is hurting your feelings...it is so darn hard, but PLEASE blow it off. She isnt who you kiss good night or wake up to. Trust me, at the end of the day, you are the better person.

K.

Hi, I don't mean to scare you but intruding type mother in laws like this always just gets worse in time. From my personal experience, when we talked to my mean MIL on how to treat me better (she's a very mean person who thinks she's never wrong and everyone around her are always always wrong) it only made things worse. I've been dealing with it by just avoiding contact with her as much as I can during family gatherings of course she still finds some way to get her insult to me here and there even with my avoidance of her but in my situation it made it worse when my husband spoke with her and asked her to try to be nice and have some respect for me. Good luck, I hope yours is not mean and will respond to getting things out in the open.

Hey A.-- I have been married for 14 years and the last 8 my husband and I have lived 10 mins from his family. WOW-- did we clash. From my view point, I think the "correction" needs to come from your fiance'-- his mother needs to see that he supports you 100% and that if she continues to treat you this way he will also distance himself. In my opinion I think she will get upset with you no matter how delicately you put it b/c to me she seems to have some control issues and some issues with having "another woman" in her sons life. My husband and I confronted both of his parents about 5 years ago over things they were doing to hurt me and him regarding different situations. Things were so heated, feelings got hurt, there was tension for quite some time after that at family gatherings. But, in time things eased up and our relationship is so much better for it. We just had to learn to respect each other and have a better understanding of what we could do to better our relationship.