Morals and Values

The morals and values you teach your children stop them from caving into peer pressure when they have first, absorbed the lessons you've taught, and second, choose to listen to what you have taught them instead of giving into their friends. You have a big chunk of time to build them up with the lessons they need, but it can't be a one time conversation, and it can't just be the words you say. Your actions have to back up the things you're telling them. Otherwise, they will choose inevitably to do as you do, rather than doing as you say.

The second part is harder. It is knowing that you have said everything you can say, but your child now has to make a decision. You may have done and said everything right, and your child may still make a decision to follow the examples of friends, celebrities, etc. instead of listening to what he/she has been taught. This is part of life, and you should not beat yourself up if your child makes choices contrary to your teachings.

What you can do is make sure that your child can always come to you, whether his/her decisions are in line with your teaching/parenting. Even when they make dumb decisions, they need someone who has "been there" to give them input on what the options are, what the consequences are, and most of all to let them know that there is a way back (most of the time) if they screw up. This is not the same as condoning their behavior, but it requires that you not throw the mistakes in your child's face when he/she admits a mistake has been made (or hints around the possibility that maybe they didn't do the best thing in the world).

It all depends on the pre-teen, #1. #2, you can't start teaching morals and values now; it should have started before now. A child's brain isn't fully developed until mid to late 20's. My son will be 20 next month and there are still times we need to explain things and guide him.....however, we are fortunate that he has turned out as well as he has. He has a good head on his shoulders as he has made some good decisions. I feel that it all depends on the child and their personality as well. My son is an only child and has been around adults most of his life. I think he tends to be a bit more mature in some areas--not all, but he surprises me sometimes. Good luck with hour quest....

There are many factors -the kid's personality, what you've taught them and how stringently you've taught it, if they have any other influences that echo those beliefs, etc. Most kids at some point in adolescence do at least one thing that is in direct contradiction to what they've been told or raised to do -it's called "learning a lesson"! IT's the hallmark of youth to go out and try it "their way" only to find out that a lot of what mom and dad taught them actually makes sense! It also depends on the morals and values. To me, those things are honesty, never stealing, being kind to others and not physically hurting anyone, taking up for the underdog, not bullying people, doing your best in all of your endeavors, working hard and not being lazy and not having a sense of entitlement from anyone or demanding respect until you've done something to earn it. There are "morals" and "values" of others that I think it's incredibly unrealistic to expect kids to follow, particularly once they're in late adolescence or early adulthood. To me, it's extremely important to stress some biggies -particularly from a safety perspective. For a pre-teen and teen -no sex/sex is extremely serious, BUT if you're absolutely going to do it, PLEASE use condoms -always -as well as another form of birth control for the girl. And know I won't get angry if you come talk to me about it. Also -drugs and alcohol will never help you. They'll weigh you down -sometimes permanently -and hold you back and you have no business fooling with them -particularly as a pre-teen, BUT again -if you find yourself in a situation, don't be afraid to call me or call a cab that I will pay for -just don't ever drive -EVER or ride with someone who has been doing anything. Stressing the dangers or certain behaviors often really kicks in for young people when they're considering doing something or they're put in a situation. Although my parents raised me with certain morals and values, the things that really stopped me time and again were the dangers they stressed of doing certain things.

From personal experience, values are a very personal thing, and peer pressure is a very public thing. Sometimes it's hard for kids to explain personal things and feelings in a public situation. My parents always gave me a fall back. I was allowed to blame whatever I didn't want to do on them. (Like saying I had an early curfew when I really just didn't want to go to a certain party.) While some people thought I must have super-strict parents, most of my friends knew that it was my "out" for something I didn't want to participate in. This was really my decision - my parents just made it easier for me, by giving me a public excuse if I felt like private values wouldn't be taken seriously. In time, I learned to say "No" on my own grounds, but this approach allowed me to say no until I was brave enough.

That's a hard one. I dont have teens but from my own experience, making sure your kids' friends are decent kids (not just their parents) but the actual kids are decent will keep them out of trouble. Also, if they have a cool coach or youth leader that is moral but that they also look up to, then they can help motivate your teen rather than the parents. Parents are too uncool at that age.

In my experience, it depends on the child. Some are strong individuals who feel comfortable in their skins and are easily able to stand alone if that's what's needed. Others have a greater need for social acceptance. I agree with the others who responded that gentle reminders are always needed--though not always welcomed. You can also make choices about your child's activities, even when that doesn't make you popular. Set boundaries, remind without nagging, and always keep the lines of communication open. Raising teens isn't always easy, but you'll probably get through with it with no more damage than a few extra gray hairs.

When they become their morals and values. We teach these things to our children all day long. We have a time everyday where we study our Bibles together. We discuss the implications on their lives. We talk about consequences (natural and otherwise) of foolish, sinful behavior. We do not tempt them by putting them into the constant, direct influence of people who believe contrary to what we do. In other words, we homeschool. When they are mature adults, they will be better equiped to handle the pressures and stresses of society. We sort of see them like little plants that are growing in stature and strength over the years. Eventually, they can withstand the storms and winds that blow. But, before that time, it would be destructive to put them out there.

It all depends on the kid and their maturity level. For me, it was the beginning of hs, but as a jr I started to cave again when I got my first bf, and partook in 1 night of drinking when I visited my sister at college. My freshman year of college I drank once and have not overindulged since then (9 years ago.) Something about sitting in church with a hangover because I chose to drink (underage) on New Year's Eve made me sit and re-evaluate my choices.

They may not stop them. Some lessons need to be learned on their own.
But they are always at the back of the mind and core values about right and wrong are always there.

Mine kicked in in HS. I gave in to peer pressure for some things, but I knew my limits of comfort and never went beyond them. I think that's the biggest lesson to teach. That's not to say that I didn't do stupid stuff. I did. But if you teach your kids to be good people, that will prevail at the end of the day.

When you stop re-inforcing and reminding them of it.

hopefully this has been a life long lesson. talk as much as you can to them. stay connected to them. let them know that they are special. that they don't have to be like everyone else. good luck, mom of 7, R.