Moms Help Me

You have gotten lots of good advice already but I just wanted to add that you might show her how fun and "special" covering up can be. Like cami's and boy shorts that match. The things "older girls" get, like trainer bras or silky pj's that she can take to gp. If these things are presented in a way she feels is fun, she will be all for it and covered.:)Even nail polish and slippers or anything that gets her in the routine of covering up and be comfortable that way.

I was a babysitter my whole teen aged life and I was AMAZED at the things kids would tell me that they wouldn't tell their parents. I would say if there is a trusted 15-18 year old who is a friend of the family, see if she can come over and "babysit"...really just hang out while you get stuff done around the house. No one ever told me to dig for info and I wasn't trying to, but kids just opened up to me after a few weeks. So perhaps that could help. The thing is, I TOLD these kids parents the things their kids confided in me and they ignored it! Those kids are really messed up now! Kudos for looking for the cause and not ignoring the behaviors!

What county is the case pending in & who is the Judge?

You may need a new counselor to help testify in court. I would strongly suggest steering clear of CPS -- they are worthless if she resides in Tarrant County. (I am a family law atty)

I would suggest a meeting with your attorney as soon as possible.

I highly recommend you read the book "Divorce Poison" regarding the custody suit. It talks about how the other party turns the child against the parent by manipulation and brainwashing.

As far as the rest, if she says she wasn't molested and doesn't seem embarrassed by the question, is cooperative and feels good about her body, then I would let it lie. I agree the behavior isn't mainstream, but who's to say she's not more "normal" than the rest of us who are so freaked out with nakedness? Other countries think we are so strange by our need to always be fully clothed and our aversion to nudity. Maybe they know something we don't.

At this point, based on everything you've said, I'd be more worried about placing false memories in her head by asking the same questions over and over, making her think something must be up that she's not remembering. Tread lightly and watch her closely. Explain the differences between the households to all the children - how one house expects clothes to be worn at all times, etc., and then relax. This may be a phase and will blow over in time. Good luck!

You just need to get her to trust that you wont tell anyone about it and maybe she will open up to you. And dont subject your younger daughter to what she is doing.

there may be reason for real concern. but girls her age just start to explore. it might be innoent.

Situations like this is super sensitive for the little girl and the other party (grandparents). I dont know how long you have known your step daughter but she is nine and she is just now discovering herself. So that conversation is super sensitive expecially if there is something going on. She of course will feel ashamed and doesnt want to admit something like that because she wouldnt want to get the grandparents in trouble if that were the case. I will say that it isnt wise to confront the grandparents simply because if it isnt true then you will be hurting other people and also you are going through a custody battle. The nine year your step daughter is in a confused place right now because she is being in the middle of all this. This sometimes in unavoidable because the other party isnt thinking how its going to affect her. I would try and investigate further on whats going on but try to be sensitive with the little girl shes going through a tough time right now. She doesnt know whats normal behavior and whats not. Just sit down with her and explain to her what good touching and whats bad touching she may not know and reassure her that its okay for her to talk to you if she feels strongly about something. But try not to pry information out of her and if you do she will pull back. You have to remember all she knows is what her primary caretaker says and does. You just have to try and be there for her. In the end if you do not push her let her tell you when shes ready. She will remember all of this when she gets older but right now shes in a tough place. Dont feel afraid to ask cps to observe the situation because they will investigate better than you can. I wish you guys the best of luck in all of this. I hope I was helpful...

There is no reason she should sleep naked with her granparents at any age.

There may be some hesitation from CPS due to a percieved custody issue. They may think you are trying to gain full custody or something.

I would get a 3rd party to report it so that it gets full attention of CPS. I would mention it to her teacher or school administration. I'm sure you would rather not, but I'm thinking they will respond quicker to that.

Wow, you got a lot going on here! It may not all be related though. The girl is 9, and it is competely natural for her to be curious about her body. Have you had the puberty talk with her yet? It is not uncommon for a girl to start her period around nine or ten (I was 10). This discussion can cover most of the issues you are now facing. It may all be completely innocent. The most pressing issue is her subjecting her siblings to inappropriate behavior. It is definetely time for her to stop bathing with others. Her body is starting to go through changes and she needs to be able to explore those changes in private.

As for the nudity, also completely natural. I would explain to her that it is ok, but now that she is getting older she needs to be more modest. No naked time around others. Let her sleep naked though if she wants.

When I was growing up my dad spent most of the time around the house in nothing but his underwear (I'm sure my mom would love me sharing that tid bit). I'm the same way. My girls (7 year old twins) spend their days in various states of dress. They sleep in just panties most of the summer. We have lots of naked time at my house, it's just how we are. My girls do know their boundaries though. We always have clothes on when someone else is at the house- including grandparents.

I wish you the best of luck.

I was also molested as a child so I know how painful and harmful that can be. You have to give her a safe place to talk to you, one that will not condemn the grandparents or parents that she loves or "get them into trouble" in her mind. She will protect them if she has been taught that "if you tell...." something bad will happen to you, your family, your pet...what ever method the molester is using to scare her and keep her in compliance. Talk to the counselor about methods of non-confrontational communication with her. DO NOT confront the grandparents with unsubstantiated claims, it will NOT help your case. On the other hand, you have to do something to help her, and to protect your other children from harm as well. Think before you act...Act do not REACT to the situation. I hope and pray this situation is resolved quickly for the sake of your children.

I am sorry that is a really hard thing to deal with. you might want to talk to the socail worker and see if the things they are alowing her to do can be stopped because she is simply to old to be exposing herself to people, any one. it also sounds like a councoler would be a good next step, see if she will open up to some one. not to scare you but these can be signs of things that have happened to her, children offten block things like that from memory to cope with it so she might not be liying about it just doesn't remember. i would really have her talk to some one though. and maybe go over house rules; like we keep our private parts to our selves and do that in a private place, like behind a door and remind her you still love her because she is going thruogh so much already, you all are. good luck and happy thoughts for your family

Do whatever is necessary to find out for sure if she is being abused, if she is just overly curious about the new things happening with her body, or if something is wrong mentally. I believe these issuses must be dealt with not just ignored in hopes they will go away.

While I am not a professional, I have had some training relating to volunteer activities. The behavior you are describing is very disturbing coming from a 9 year old. It seems very likely that she has been sexually abused.

Your suspicions about her grandparents may well be appropriate, but because of the custody battle you are wise to not accuse them. I would get in contact with her current counselor right away, and if they do not seem concerned, I would find another who specializes in sexually abused children.

I also wouldn't continue to question her about her grandparents, for two reasons. One, you might be accused of trying to brainwash her yourself, and two, professionals know how best to question a child about these issues. You wouldn't want to cause more emotional damage or make her less likely to be honest in an investigation.

Approach everyone in this case, from CPS, her therapist, your attorney, to the judge, etc. from the perspective that your are troubled and worried about her, and that you want to get her help and make sure she is not being harmed by anyone.

Meanwhile, love on her and calmly let her know that this type of behavior isn't appropriate. More discussion of what is private behavior is necessary. You also need to make sure she isn't exposing your younger children to any type of sexual behavior.

I hope this is helpful. May God bless you all.

Concerning the molestation. If she says that no one has done things to her. You have to show her you trust her and what she is saying. And keep talking to her about what is appropriate in public and what is appropriate in private. Let her know that no one absolutely no one should be touching or looking at her goods. Even at the grandparents house. I should say ESPECIALLY at the grandparents house. It sounds to me that you are doing a good job.
Support is always here for you.

This is a tough situation because while it does sound like she's learned some inappropriate behavior for a girl her age it's hard to tell whether there is something going on or not. CPS will have a much more perspective outlook on the situation and may be able to investigate with a more open mind. Being the age she is she may just have a normal curiosity and being in an environment with the grandparents that is so open she may not be learning or understanding that some things are private. She's at that age where she's learning about herself and beginning to understand and have a curiosity about sex which may lead her to "experiment" with touching herself in order to understand changes etc. Although this may be true, she definitely needs to learn that there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to express that curiosity and doing it in front of your other children is inappropriate. She does seem to have some very open behaviors that could be a result of molestation or seeing molestation but I wouldn't go making accusations, especially with a custody battle going on. I think that you did the right thing by letting CPS know your concerns and I think that sitting down and going over what you feel is appropriate behavior in your home and what is appropriate behavior in front of your other children will help address some of the openness she's learned in other homes. I would stress that while her behavior is not wrong, in the sense that she's not allowed to have curiosity or questions, you would prefer that she address this in a private environment and if she has questions about sex be open with her so she can feel comfortable asking embarrassing or private questions. Making her feel comfortable talking to you will give her the opportunity to build an open communication relationship with you and perhaps if molestation is going on give her the confidence to confide in you. I wish you the best of luck and hope that nothing bad is going on!

Wow. I can understand your concern. Ok, not sleeping in panties, not a big deal. If it's more comfortable for her when she is sleeping ALONE, I would let it ride. Walking around naked: I think this is a behavior that needs to be modified. After about age 4 they move into a developmental stage where children are body conscious and modesty begins to develop. I think you could further research by googling Erikson's stages of development. It is NORMAL for kids to explore their bodies, what is the concern is she is forcing it upon another child. How I have been taught to educate parents, is to approach the subject that our bodies have lots of nerves and when we touch them it feels good, but it is something that is to be done only in private. What is not normal is acting out sexually, it is a LEARNED behavior. Either by seeing it, hearing about it, or having it done to you. The therapist needs to be informed, and if she is blind to it, attempt to find another. What I would do is take each of my children aside one-on-one and in a general way, discuss where it is not appropriate to touch on others and were it is not appropriate to be touched and if anyone, INCLUDING FAMILY MEMBERS, touch you in a "no spot" all they have to do is tell Mom or Dad. Make sure you tell then anyone, including sibs, aunts, uncles, grandparents. Alot of times when kids get the "good touch bad touch speech", they are thinking in their heads of a stranger, not someone they are close with. Good luck and I will pray for you all.

Gosh... I think there are several things going on here. In my mind, each one is innocent enough - it's difficult to know if there's something bigger at work.

I will tell you this:
1. My 8yo LOVES being naked - as much as she possibly can. And she loves sleeping naked. Here are our rules: She's never naked when there's anyone in the house that isn't immediate family. She's never naked (and uncovered) in the common areas of the house - ie, she can watch TV naked, as long as she has a blanket covering her, so others don't have to see. Otherwise, she can play in her room naked, move from her room to the bathroom, living room, etc. naked, but must get a blanket to cover herself.
2. Completely separate thought... My older 10yo daughter loves taunting my younger daughter. I've found all older siblings do this. I remember doing this to my younger brother. That may be the simple explanation for why your older daughter was taunting your younger daughter in the bathroom.
3. Another completely separate thought... Young kids like exploring their genitals. It's completely normal for little boys and girls to touch themselves (and yes, their hands will smell). It doesn't mean that the learned it from someone else, or that they have been molested.

My point is, although this is definitely worth looking into, I wouldn't jump to any assumptions.