How many of you have lived with this situation? I'm getting really frustrated and a lot of little things are piling up. Last night my grandson ran in the house, tripped, and hit his mouth HARD. He's okay, nothing broken or missing... But he reached for me and wanted to stay with me for comfort. Later on she wanted to put him in his PJ's and he wanted me to do it. My daughter is getting uptight about a lot of things. She's blaming me for a bit of a disconnect with her son. She feels that I am undermining her. She's hardly ever home. She won't spend any time with him without her boyfriend anymore. BUT, now that she's unemployed for the moment she'll be home when she isn't looking for a job. Today she got up and took him out of here and said they were spending the day at his parents house. He lives at home. She lives at home.
We've had words lately over my grandson's care. She's making me NUTS. She gives him sips of coffee. My husband gives him sips of tea. My oldest daughter gives him chocolate. My daughter feeds him McDonald's food and pancakes and he's very stubborn about trying new foods. I am his primary caregiver whether she likes it or not. She comes and goes as she pleases and has since he was born. But was very angry with me recently because he was taking some drinks from my soda. Soda is evil in her eyes. I don't keep it in the house. I go out for it when I get a craving. I don't give it to him any more than the rest of the family gives him nibbles or sips of their personal favorites.
Well I did it. I told her that she needed to back off because she can't keep pulling out this she's the mommy card and has the last say all the time when she's hardly home and I'm the only constant in his life. I raised her and her sisters just fine. I'm not interested in being micromanaged. In fact, I told her that none of my paying clients breathe down my neck the way she does. I told her if she wants to micro manage me and make me the hired help, then pay me.
I think we'll continue on like this for a time. But sometime in the next year or two at the most she'll move out whether or not she can afford it and maybe she'll get government help. I've not been the least bit sweet and tolerant of her even bringing that up. There's NO reason to let her pride and her desire to do as she pleases without her parents input to make her do something that in my mind is immoral for her to do. It may not be immoral for other people that don't have any living relatives that can or desire to help. But we can't keep living this way in this country before we all end up suffering a major financial meltdown like we've never seen before.
What she doesn't realize is that her father and I hold our tongues ALL THE TIME. For the sake of our grandson we put up with a LOT.
I don't even know for sure what my question is other than to ask how others have survived this living arrangement.
I could never say my daughter is an unfit mom. As for why I'm taking the responsibility...I really WANT it. I want her to get through college. I couldn't go because I didn't have the energy to care for my family, earn a living, and study. I want her to be able to work part-time, go to school full-time, and I know she needs a social life. I'm not in any way shape or form complaining about anything I do for her or for him. What I'm complaining about is that it FEELS ungrateful whens he micromanages me about his day to day life.
It's not even so much a question of how I parent him usually.. She'll be irritated sometimes by the outfits I pick out. Or she'll complain that I don't know where his shoes are. I'll tell her plainly that I have enough to do and that I'm not the only one that dresses him. When he was little she'd go up and study and then she'd come down and be angry that he's crying. Yet she didn't know if we were just putting him down or if he was just waking up. I honestly don't need my 20 year old daughter assuming that I'm ignoring her son! Also, if it was a time to let him cry it out, that would be my decision to make at the time.
I don't want her to live out there and collect food stamps, live in section 8 housing, and even if she brings him to me while in work and school, that's all over the map schedule wise. It wouldn't make sense when she has classes all day and shifts that last until late at night. She NEEDS to live home and she NEEDS to be just be respectful and considerate of her father and I.
We haven't had any major issues with him. It's always little things like she'll be irritated that he gets a rash. He rarely ever got a rash. Once again, I don't need to hear that I'm not perfect. I know I'm not perfect LOL!
Can a person be taken advantage of when they are agreeing to it? I'm not looking to change the situation. I just don't want her to run off mad because she's taking her own day to day struggles out on me. My point about the soda was that she doesn't ask anyone else to change anything. She always goes for me. Sometimes she yells at me because I don't know where something is and almost every time it'll be in her room or her car. And yet the next time she can't find something she's convinced it's my fault even when it's proven time and again she's the one misplacing things.
You are enabling her. It is great you are letting her live with you, but she is the mom and she needs to act like one. It is ok for you to babysit, if she asks and it is a convenient time, and it is not all the time, but for the most part she should be caring for this child. It is time she faced the real world consequences of her choice to have a child.
I agree. You are not co-parents. You are a grandmother whose daughter is taking advantage of you. That does not entitle you to "parent" your grandchild. Your daughter can and will play the "I'm the mommy card" whenever she likes because she IS the mommy. I'm a certain the sip of a soda here and there would not be an issue she'd even think of bringing up if there were not other stressers on your mother/daughter relationship.
You need to have a calm, rational conversation with her about boundaries and expectations. If she is an unfit parent and you feel your grandchild is in danger in your daughter's care, then by all means, file for custody and be a parent. You will unfortunately miss out on the splendor that is being a grandparent, but you will be saving your grandchild from an uncertain fate.
Please, please, please, don't ever use the "I raised my own children fine" argument with your daughter (or anyone else, for that matter.) It just doesn't hold water. Every child is different. Every situation is different. And you may be surprised at the Bag of Hurts your daughter may be carrying around over her perception of her upbringing. Justified or not, it is a subjective matter and an argument best left alone.
For one thing, you are enabling her, do what said about getting her a deadline and a means out. She needs to take responsibility for her child. Perhaps, she would even sign over legal guardianship to you?
Also, don't give him soda. Who cares if is mom is being a hypocrite giving him coffee. She needs to feel the little bit of parenting she does offer as valid.
Also, you really need to sit down and have a calm family discussion of when you are available to babysit at nights, what responsibilities you have as grandparents, what her parenting *rules* she wishes you would respect are, what you expect of her, what is best for the child. Everyone needs to take turns and write things down and work out a game plan. And then agree on family counseling together and go.
You're not co-parenting. She's allowing you to parent her child while she does as she pleases...
Something has to change or your relationship with YOUR child will be seriously damaged. For what it's worth, she's allowing you to raise her child and YOU are allowing her to take advantage of you!
My niece lived with my SIL for three years after she had a baby. It was a nightmare. It was never clear to anyone (including my great niece) "who" was in charge and "who" the final say in all matters. Their whole dynamic changed (for the better) when my niece moved out and all parties were able to settle into their "correct" roles.
Set a date for your daughter to move out and help her work towards it. Start charging her for something! Anything! Right now "her money is her money" and she can do as she pleases with it b/c there are no responsibilities. If she has to pay you $____ a month to live at home and have access to childcare she may think twice about leaving him with you to go out!
When my BIL was living with us, we finally had to start holding him financially accountable. He lived with us "fee free" for over a year and did nothing to help around the house. He went away on trips, shopped often, ate out daily, wore better clothes, drove a nicer car... and was LIVING IN MY BASEMENT! Needless to say, when we asked him to contribute $300 per month to the household he moved out pretty quickly thereafter and our relationship with him returned to "normal". He's still bad with $$ but it doesn't impact (or upset) us anymore!
family counseling
or counseling for yourself so you have an non-involved person to vent with.
If your insurance covers it- think of it as a "spa" day for yourself once a week.
seeing a counselor doesn't mean your mentally ill or something is "wrong" with you- all it means is that you need someone to listen to you and give you perspective.
Best wishes!
You are the person your daughter is taking out all of her frustration on.
Frustration of being a young single mom
being dependent on her parents for support
trying to finish school
trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life
maybe feeling like less of parent than she wants to be
If this is true then you have two choices - continue to be her punching bag and letting her take her negative feelings out on you - or not. You seem like a great Mom - I have read your advice to others - and you are obviously greatly concerned with your family's well being. But you don't deserve to be treated this way.
You could step back and let your daughter take a more active, hands on role in the day to the day care of her child. Or you could gently explain to her that while you are more than willing to help her out until she becomes a responsible parent and adult you will not allow her to treat you with anything less than respect anymore.
If you are providing the primary physical care of you grandchild and are the one who he is with every day of course that baby is going to come crying to you first. If she wants to be first in his life, then she needs to spend more time with him, or, at least, be more present in his life so he understands that she can also meet his needs.
It sounds like she is still growing up, and still has the attitude that you should "fix" everything for her. It may be time to let her know that she needs to "fix" her own life. Her frustration, and bad behavior towards you could be a result of her knowing that she needs to grow up and take more responsibility but being "mad" at you for having to do so.
Whatever you do, know that you are doing it all out of love and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But you have to be treated poorly - you don't deserve it.
Good Luck
God Bless
Your daughter wants to "have her cake and eat it too". She doesn't want to do the grunt work or raising her child, yet wants the title of mommy. She needs to take full responsibility and put her child above all else. You didn't say how old she is, but I'm assuming over 18? If so, I think you should tell her something like: "This living arrangement is too stressful. You will need to find somewhere else to live within 6 months. I will babysit your child during the day while you work, but then you will need to come and pick him up and parent him in the evenings and on weekends". Best wishes!
The primary issue here is your relationship with your daughter. You need to stop allowing her to avoid her responsibilities as a mother and as an adult. There is nothing wrong with a parent helping their child out when rough patches come up, but her living with you should be a temporary situation. Don't judge whether it's immoral for her to live off government assistance. What is immoral is for her to hand over her responsibilities to someone else. You should encourage her to find a place to live, find a job and be a responsible adult and mother to your grandson. Don't lecture, but encourage. Let her know that she is a strong, smart woman and that you believe she is capable of doing this on her own. Tell her that you're proud of her. It seems that your daughter has given up on trying because you won't let her or you don't believe she's capable of succeeding. You will be surprised at what positive reinforcement will do for your daughter's self esteem and you will see her make strides to getting on her feet and taking care of her responsibilities.
I'm sure you feel like your grandson will suffer if you don't step in, but he will suffer regardless. Right now, you are standing in the way of your grandson having a relationship with his own monther. That will hurt him in the long run. You imply that he prefers that you to do things for him over his mother, but you shouldn't do it. You should encourage your daughter to be a parent and teach your grandson that his mother is to be respected. You should encourage a healthy relationship between your daughter and grandson. Don't step in the middle and rescue him every time she tries to be the parent. By stepping in or criticizing the things your daughter does, you are teaching your grandson that his mother cannot be trusted. That's not fair to your daughter, nor your grandson. You are not helping - you are hurting their relationship.
I don't mean to be hard on you because I know your intentions are good. I know you don't want to watch your daughter struggle or your grandson miss out on the attention you feel he deserves. But things have a way of working themselves out on their own. I believe if you step back and give them some space, everyone's relationship will be stronger.
Don't just 'hold your tongue' - change those negative thoughts you have about your daughter into positive thoughts and relay that message to her. Your daughter needs you right now. It seems that she is lost and doesn't know where to go. You are her mother and she needs you to teach her how to be an adult. She needs positive encouragement and she needs you to believe in her. Do you?
Ok? So why not let your daughter do it all then? Since she thinks shes able to do it all. Let her feel the responsibility of taking care of a child. YOU are the GRANDMOTHER and there is only soo much you can do. And if you feel that shes not responsible enough to take care of your grandson then why not go for full custody and let her find a place of her own and have bills to pay so that she knows how it is in the "real world"? I somewhat think that your probably making it easy for her- even though you explained that you haven't but why are you taking the responsibility? Leslie M had a great point too! Put your foot down and STOP biting your toung! Good Luck!-------> Wow! alot of the mama's had a very good point on the "enabler" part!
