MIL Stopping Chemo

It's very hard. I'm sorry.

Since you have some warning, get a video camera. Let her read stories to your children, born and unborn. Maybe film the two of you sitting side by side so she can talk to your baby and record that. Take pictures. Spend time together. Try to make the most of the days you have.

My best friend was dying of breast cancer when I was trying to get pregnant with my second child. She had been such a huge part of my first child's life that I was devastated by the thought of losing her when I was going through a second pregnancy. It almost seemed as if the excitement of my first pregnancy and the babyhood of my son had helped her fight the cancer and had given her such joy. So one thing I did was to ask her to pick out boy and girl names for my second child. I wanted her to still feel connected to the future and to my family. I wanted her to know that she would always be a part of our family. She chose names and I found out that I was expecting the day that she died. I am very grateful that my son's name is connect to her.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I lost my father last summer after knowing for several months that he was going to die at any time. The waiting and wondering is very stressful and emotional.

My mother was killed by a drunk driver 14 years before my only (biological) daughter was born. It is sad to me that my mother never met my beautiful daughter. She would have loved her.

Because my mother was taken so unexpectedly, we had no time to prepare for living without her. Can you find ways to remember your MIL to your daughter when she is older? I am sad to say that we don't have a lot of pictures or videos of my mother. But we share the ones we have and tell stories about her to all the grandchildren that she didn't get to meet.

I don't feel that adults are "orphans" when we lose our parents. We all will lose our parents (unless WE die first), it is the natural order of things. The process can be stressful and sad, however and we need to allow ourselves to grieve.

I would speak to your obgyn about this matter and see what he.she suggests in helping with your hormones. It is very understandable that you are feeling a flood of emotion for your MIL and being pregnant on top of that I can only imagine how magnified those emotions must be. Turn to God at this time. He is so awesome in power and can fill you with a sense of peace when you need it most.
My friend just lost her close friend (this morning actually) to stage 4 colon cancer and posted this beautiful poem on Facebook. Even though your MIL has not passed, this poem is an attitude we should all have when faced losing our loved ones and even while they are still alive. Every moment is so precious and goes by so very fast:

You can shed tears that she is gone

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

~

David Harkins

I hope this helps. God Bless you and I will be saying a prayer for you and your family!
A.

Have your MIL share with you anything she wants.

My friend just died a few weeks ago, from Cancer and the last week that she was still able to communicate, I asked her specific questions and her wishes..
She was very open and ho
onest.

I also asked her about the people in her life that had been avoiding her since she had become ill.. One person was a very close relative. I told my friend I would be happy to write as my friend composed a letter, Or I would be happy to video tape her for this relative.

This is her choice and it is good you are all honoring it. It is quality of life at this point instead of quantity. Time to put your needs aside and make it all about MIL and what she needs and wants.

You are allowed to be honest, Example.. "I really want you to be here to see this baby, But I also want you to know I want you to know we love you and want you to do what you need to do.".

I told my friend this while she was lying in the hospital.. "You do what you need to do." "We are going to miss you and never forget you, but we know you need to do what you need to do. Do not worry about us. "

I am sending you peace. Being with a person as they die and leave this world is an honor. It is also just like a birth.. It is an amazing experience, such an honor to be present as it happens. and can be beautiful if you have said all you want to say.

Make this a positive time in everyone's life. Hubby needs to be with mom so that he can have closure. You need to support him for that and take care of your immediate family as best you can.

Get hubby and the rest to get the video camera out and a tape recorder and just have conversations with her. This way the little ones will hear grandma's voice and tell them things even if she is not there in person. What a wonderful way to remember and honor her. Perhaps she can read them something for certain times in their lives and at certain special occasions graduations, marriage and such.

There is no set way in what to do when a person has made this type of decision but to stand by it no matter how we want it to go. We sometimes want them to stay for our own personal reasons while we know it is not possible and reasonable. We all have to realize that this is part of life and it is natural. It doesn't make it any easier.

Your family is in my thoughts. May you all enjoy and have fond memories of momma, g'ma, MIL.

The other S.

PS I maybe facing this same situation in the future so I understand where you are coming from.

I'm sorry about your MIL.
She's made her decision.
Your daughter MAY get to meet her. You don't know that yet.
Support her and your husband as much as possible during this goodbye. :(
If she doesn't get to meet Grandma personally, you can always keep your MIL alive in your daughter's heart by talking about her, showing her pictures, etc.

I don't have any real suggestions -- sorry -- I just wanted to express my condolences. You sound like a brave, sweet person, and your husband will be so fortunate to have you by his side, no matter what your hormones are telling you.

I'm so sorry. My father died just 7 weeks after the birth of my daughter. It was sort of sudden, but sort of not...it's complicated. Anyway, I only have one picture of my dad and my daughter it is really breaks my heart. I wish that I would have had more pictures just in general of my dad and had I known he was going to die I absolutely would have taken more. I think the video camera is a great idea as well. I do completely understand your emotions though, just a few weeks postpartum I was an emotional rollercoaster as well and it can get ugly quick. I know all too well that feeling of longing for a relationship between the two. Talking to your doctor is a good idea as well b/c maybe there is something he/she can do to help with that, but probably you are just going to have to get through it. Hopefully your husband will be understanding of your tears and mood swings! ;) I'm so sorry your family is dealing with this and I hope you make some peace.

There are lots of good answers for you. I agree about talking to your OBGYN but there should be available to your family free counseling through the hospital. Take advantage of it. Ask your MIL's oncologist for help. He/she is interested in the whole family and how it effects the treatment of his patient. You are being a good wife thinking about your husband but you need to think about you too.

Take some time to spend one-on-one with your MIL. Talk about her past and your son growing up. I was able to spend one short afternoon with my MIL before she died and I wish I would have written down everything she told me.

Blessings to you and your MIL.

I am not sure what I can offer is advice, so much as a way to look at it differently. I may have missed it but has she officially decided to stop the chemo or is she willing to get a 2nd opinion? If she has decided this then you simply must be supportive. In a similar situation, my grandfather was informed his prostate cancer has returned and now he has bone cancer on top of it. He has opted out of treatment because he doesn't want to be sick. He just wants to be without pain so he is on some heavy duty stuff but still getting along. It was a tough pill to swallow to hear he had no intentions of going through treatment. He simply said he has done what he was supposed to on this earth and that is simply it. I hated to hear that, but I respect it.
Look at it this way, she is going to be with her husband (I am hoping my assumption that they were married when he passed is on point!) and her creator (if she believes in God/higher power, etc.). Your hormones will work a number on you especially now. This is never news anyone wants, but you must make peace with it. Put your best face forward and know you will have some great stories to tell your little girl about her grandma. My heart goes out to all of you. Stay strong!