MIL Drama Again

Ugh! Passive aggressive is so hard to deal with. I'm sorry.
I totally understand what you mean about her not knowing boundaries. She is keeping these clothes and things because she is ignoring what you want for your baby.
Here's a thought: Is there someone else in the family that could interpret for you two if hubby and his dad don't want to?
I would not let her babysit. Do a family get together, meet at a park, go out to dinner together. She can see the baby but don't leave her with MIL until you are convinced she will abide by your wishes for how to raise your child. Hiding shoes is just the tip of the iceberg if you let this go on.

I read your other post and I think your MIL is mentally ill. Passive-agressive, psychotic, whatever. She has something wrong with her beyond the cultural differences. If I were you I'd never let my daughter be with her alone. I also would not apologize or bend over backwards for her. She is poisoning your lives. Stand your ground. And who cares if she never comes around to your terms! She sounds like a pill. I'm sure you have nice people in your lives who don't treat you like this. Spend time with them. And no, I wouldn't let her see the baby.

Well, looking into your old post, I think you have to stand your ground. I know it will be difficult, she sounds a lot like my SIL and knows very well how to play the victim and give everyone guilt trips. However, I would give her a call and tell her that she can visit the baby whenever she wants, just be there, and not let her take her for the day until she agrees you are the mom, and you decide what your daughter wears.
My grandma (dads side) used to be like that too with my mom, really sarcastic and passive agressive it sometimes took my them like 3 months to speak to each other again, but she eventually understood her place. I know its a difficult and uncomfortable situation to be in, but if you dont do it know it will be worse later on. Good Luck!!

You totally need to lovingly stand your ground. I've had to do this lots and lots of times with my in-laws. When they were letting her watch Southpark at 2, I had to stand my ground. When she was 8 and they were telling her that ghosts are real and watching "ghost hunters" with her, I had to remind them that I don't believe that way and to let her know that it was their belief, not fact. They have learned through the years and try to be very respectful to us now and we still have our combats, but they know that we are the parents, not them.

i think you should press the issue because if you don't she will continue to do things her way and that is not acceptable!

Well, if she hasn't seen the baby since . . . . whenever,
whatever clothes she might have at her house
probably __are__ too small by now.
Yes?

Can you back off from your needing to "teach her a lesson"
and just let her have some time with baby
but ALWAYS with you there.
At your house, not hers.
And no clothes changing.
Just visiting/cuddling time?

S.

Why would you allow someone who is so disrespectful of you to have alone time with your child?

Letting her see your daughter is rewarding her terrible behavior and treatment of you. Your MIL has used your daughter and her personal belongings as pawns, and that is really sick.

Regarding the clothes - my MIL didn't always return my boys clothes either, very frustrating! My solution, I only send them with clothes that ARE too small, stained, faded or ready to go to the trash. In other words, I send clothes that I don't mind not getting back. I would also buy cheap shirts/shorts ($1-$2) and keep those for their trips to her house. They live on a farm in a tiny town and they rarely leave the house, so style is not needed. I was prepared with a response just in case she asked about the clothes I sent - "Well, their clothes don't always make it back home, so I send clothes that I don't mind not returning."

I agree that she either has mental issues or control issues--or both.
Here's what I would do if I were in your shoes: I (YOU!) would invite your in-laws over for a cook out and ask them to bring XY & Z with them. Then the ball is in her court.
She is manipulating her husband by sending messages thru him and she is trying to (and has with the vacation) manipulate you & hubby well.
All I can tell you is to keep your eye on how "normal" interaction works and identify her controlling behaviors if she exhibits them.

The clothes thing is a power trip on her part. It's a tool she uses because she knows it will make you mad. I say let the clothes she already has go. It will probably make her really mad that her trick isn't working anymore. It's like dealing with kids who are trying to get attention by screaming and crying. Ignore the bad behavior and only give your attention when your child is behaving. Eventually the child will learn to tug mommy's sleeve and ask for juice instead of kicking and screaming on the floor. Ignore the clothes. Don't tell her you're over it or discuss why you're over it. Don't allow there to be ANY discussion/confrontation on the subject at all. I'm not a fan of trying to beat people at their own game but she sounds to me like the mean girl on the playground. When somebody does decide to beat her up the other girls don't cheer but they sure don't run to help her.
I'd let her see the baby. There's no reason to not let her enjoy the baby just because she's an old cow. If you think clothes/shoes/whatever are going to be an issue again don't send them! That could get interesting!!

i wouldnt allow her to see the kid if she's not going to change.

Christine I so feel for you. I have MIL drama too!!! but I would need more space to write down my issues.LOL!! My MIL was and still is a bit controling of her boys. (Your MIL only have son's?) If so I really understand your situation. My MIL only had boys and was the only women in their lives so they spoiled her and took care of her.(which is very nice) Just she still thinks she is the queen bee of her boys and has to control everything in their lives. She buys things for my daughter but expects you to be very appreciative and use it no matter what because she will throw it back in your face. I mentioned we wanted to put her in T-Ball oh no that was not a sport for girls.(and yes they are hispanic too) Well i could go on and on but my point is you just need to take this time that she is not around and enjoy your family the way it should be. We don't see my Inlaws till Sunday of every week and sometimes not even then. They live 3 blocks away from us and they don't make an effort to come see their granddaughter. So we stay away and their is less drama. We accept the gifts they give us wether we use them or not and their is no drama, we don't give our opinions and especially don't mention to them anything we buy or change at the house. Because that use to be thrown back in our faces for spending money. So we have a much better life staying away and letting her ramble on about God knows what!! Hope I made sense. Let her come around, don't go looking for her, she sounds stubburn like my MIL. If you want to talk some more just message me. I have so many more stories!!!LOL Good luck hope all works out.

Hello, I am a grandma and I know that it is hard to deal with a person who wants to take over. My mother was like that and continues to be like that now. It is not our job to raise our grandchildren. Maybe you could try telling her that while you do appreciate her concerns, you are the parents and you and your husband will make decisions about how your child/children will be raised. I would keep the visits to "supervised" for now and see how it goes.
Good luck with your precious baby.
K. K.

I remember your first post and I responded to that one after 11 years of dealing with similar issues. My MIL is challenging at times, and I would ask my husband to stand up to the situation and he never would. Unfortunately you saying something to her may not work- in our situation it was lighting the flame and things got progressively worse. When we would be around her it would just get hotter and hotter between my husband and I because I would get mad that he was not standing up to her. Your husband needs to deal with this- not you, and that is very hard. After 11 years of this, I finally got it though and it is his relationship, and he can deal with it.

Think very clearly about what the issues are- it is obvious that you know, but write them down and talk to your husband without the emotion of the situation. Easier said than done : ). Ask him how he wants to resolve and deal with the situation. As far as the clothes are concerned- he has to break the barrier between them on this issue- she clearly feels like she can not communicate her concerns to you so rather than deal with this like a grown-up, she is sneaking around like a kid. Fighting with her will likely shame her and she will not improve her behavior. Respecting the fact that she does have some feelings on this issue- ask for her opinion. Put your daughter in an outfit that is a size too big so when she is there they fall off- show your MIL you hear what she is saying when she won't speak her words.

MIL has issues. Mental issues.

You can ALL, "choose' to continue to walk on egg-shells around her or not.
It is a choice.

It is also a choice... on what you let people do to you/Husband/child. YOU are the parent. It is your family.

You "choose" to "allow" Toxic people to damage you/your Husband/your child... or not.

You 'choose' to institute boundaries, or not.

You 'choose" to determine the fate of your child and family's well-being or not.

You "choose"... the direction of the influences upon your child, or not. By parenting... and not allowing others to demote you in that.

You choose.... for that, YOU are in control. NOT your MIL.

AND, your Husband does stand up to her... so that is good. Make sure, he continues to do so. Because, you are his wife, and his allegiance is to you and his child... his own nuclear family.

You "choose" to be manipulated by a person with mental problems or not.

Put it this way, everyone, including her own Husband.... are all 'hostages' of her. Emotional hostages.
WHY?

all the best,
Susan

Hi,
My MIL is fantastic, but I'm no stranger to control issues in MY family. And in your hubby's defense, the biggest deal is seeing the 700 lb gorilla in the living rm for what it is - instead of just trying to avoid making it mad or cleaning up the mess it makes. It took me a LONG time to realize that behaviors in my family were not normal or healthy, longer than that to grieve the fact that we were abnormal, and I'm still working on figuring out how to blaze a path into the realm of "Normal-dom."
There is a really good website called "Luke 17:3" (http://luke173ministries.org) which may help your hubby sort through what he's dealing with - and no, I don't think this is necessarily cultural. I'm not Hispanic, but I don't think this is really appropriate behavior in any culture.
Also, my hubby pointed things out to me all along the way, but I explained things away until the "last straw" at which point all the stuff my hubby had been saying clicked into place. I say this because hubby may not really see *much* wrong with this situation - at least right now. My hubby is really amazing in that he was able to "non-engage" with my family and concentrate on pointing out to me lovingly that their activities were hurting, inconveniencing, and upsetting me and ultimately were setting a bad precedent for our kids. (How he was able to see and discuss all this rationally while not blowing his top, I'll never know...) The big thing is, my hubby stepped back and made it less about an issue between him and them - which would have forced me to take a side - and instead made it an issue between ME and them. It took me a while to realize that it was okay for me to have boundaries with my family but I have been INFITENITLY happier since I did. You're in a doozy of a situation - not because of the shoes and the clothes, but because this really is a battle for who gets your hubby's allegiance.
Best of luck.
:-)
jen