MIL Concerns

I hear ya!!!!! I am in a situation quite the same, not exactly, but oh so close!! I would love some advice on this as well. My MIL also has 6 kids, and lots of Grandkids! We don't see her to much, but if we could get a handle on some of these issue's I'd be much more willing to spend more time with them/her. My family doesn't live close, so any interaction with family is nice. I hope you get some good advice!

Good for you for wanting to avoid her feeling attacked--. My older daughter has the same problem and has handled it this way--- she has appointed herself the '''' family fuss-nik''. That is - she pretends she has a real problem that is odd - ''' I just really worry that baby will be sick if YOU are and have her drink from your cup- would you do me the favor of using just her cup?" -- then next visit ---''' I brought you this wonderful hand- sanitizing stuff- even if I forget to wash my hands- I always put this on- would you do that for me?" -- so - one step at a time- she has established that these are her strong preferences - and she'll SOOOO grateful and always asks ' did you like the fragrance of that? - shall I get you more?" --- and bit by bit things have improved- . She also makes her doctor the meanie '''' my doctor will give me fits if baby choaks- he's SO strict about what toys babies can play with''' --.

Blessings,
She's lucky - both the baby and your MIL

J.
aka- Old Mom

Life is so much easier to navigate and interpersonal relationships so much more pleasant and healthy when we take a moment to see things from the other persons perspective. Being 54 years old and having 'survived' growing up in the 1950's and 60's and having had children in the 1970's before there was so much hullabaloo about germs and such I can tell you that your MIL is simply doing what was done before. You have to understand that these issues were not concerns when your MIL and I were raised or even when we were raising our children. We weren't being neglectful or irresponsible...we just weren't so hell bent on preventing everything from the common cold to scrapped knees. It doesn't mean that our parents were bad parents or that we were bad parents...it was simply a different time and age. You also must remember that in order for children, or adults, to build up an immunity to germs viruses etc. they must be exposed in some way to whatever they need to be immune to. I am fearful that how things are going with such a public obsession with preventing exposure to common viruses and germs we are dooming young children today to a life of certain illness because their immune system can't handle things but that is simply my opinion.

I'm not saying that parents shouldn't protect their children from highly risky behavior or from exposure to life threatening diseases. I'm just saying that your MIL is most likely not as dangerous to your children as you fear she might be. In fact in some ways she may be helping your children fight off becoming ill when they experience future exposure to some germs and viruses.

If I were you I would pick the one or two issues that you are most concerned with which might be her not washing her hands, leaving food out for long periods and/or giving the kids things to play with that they could choke on or swallow. She's right in that she raised her kids all right and knows what she is doing and you might want to consider that if being a little bit less obsessive about cleanliness and toy saftey in those days was so dangerous many more children would've suffered as a result. Perception is everything. However if you still are nervous about her behavior that was generally accepted in her child rearing days you just might want to acknowledge what a fine job she did of raising your husband and his siblings and then kindly tell her that you do things a little differently and would much apprecaite it if she were to make a few small concessions for your peace of mind. How you approach her is going to be the key to how resistent she is to the idea.

In reading some of the previous responses I can clearly see the generational split between very young moms and moms who have successfully raised children to adulthood. It is my observation that a fair amount of health concerns today when it comes to exposure to germs and viruses are a result of advertising by companies that will financially benefit from selling products that will 'protect' children and adults from exposure to germs and viruses. If all of those germs and viruses were truly so deadly and dangerous to us humans the human race would at least be quite small if not extinct by now. Kids are sturdy and as long as parents use their common sense and don't expose them to highly risky behavior or highly contagious fatal diseases kids may be a little ill once in a while but in the end healthier for having had the experience. We shouldn't allow our common sense as parents be too greatly influenced by the 'experts', the media or people who have something to sell under the guise of caring about our health.

Good Luck,
C.

You're the number one advocate for your child's safety. You have a right to express your concerns. Unless you do, and clearly, your MIL is left to guess what you're thinking, and she's obviously not getting it. Try giving her more information.

I use a technique called NVC (Non-Violent Communication) for situations like this, and it can be extremely effective, while still being kind and mutually respectful. To use it, you would fill in three blanks in a statement like the following:

"Mom, I love these visits and dinners with you. It's important to me that my daughter knows her whole family. And I have a concern I'd like to share with you. I noticed that you ____(volunteered to babysit while you're sick, etc.)____. When this happens, I feel ____(anxious, worried, scared, upset, angry)____ about my daughter's health and safety, and I am not comfortable about having her here. I'm not sure how to convey my feelings about this, but I need ____(to know you will wait till you're not ill, etc.)_____ so that I can relax and enjoy our relationship."

The keys are telling what YOU NOTICE, as accurately and unemotionally as possible. Then how YOU FEEL when you notice this. Finally, what YOU NEED to feel better about the situation. When you frame the conversation in these term, you are not blaming her. You are taking responsibility for asking for what you need, and asking whether she is willing to consider your needs, perhaps even at some inconvenience to herself. This gives her a chance to respond more generously than if she feels you are being critical of her, which could just send her into a defensive posture.

When defensiveness happens (in any of us), it's so much harder to hear what the other person is saying.

Good luck. It's never easy to ask for changes from someone else. I'm sure you'll hear from other responders that you should stand back and let your husband run interference, but that might mean your concerns will never be addressed successfully. And it isn't really necessary if you proceed firmly but kindly.

Yes, your mil successfully raise 6 children. But how long ago was that? I majored in Home Economic, graduating in 1966. We were not concerned about meat born salmonella. It didn't exist back then. We had very few if any anti-biotic resistent bacterias. In comparison to today our world was much more germ free.

I think we started hearing about keeping our uncooked meats and their juices away from other foods perhaps 20 years ago. At first I didn't believe it was necessary. But I did more investigation and read stories in newspapers and magazines and was convinced to keep raw meats and other foods separate. Does she remember the salad bars that were contaminated, causing many people to be ill and some to die?

Perhaps you could give her a book about home sanitation. Many of the newly published cook books include that information. I think the booklet one studies to take the food handlers exam might have enough info in it for her. Do you help her cook? Could you arrange to be the one who handles the meat or the other food. That could keep them seperate

Here's another concern that I read about recently. That when we flush the toilet germs are scattered outside the toilet. We don't see them but scienctists have done tests and say the bathroom floor has more germs than the kitchen floor. I think that was the comparison. Also women's handbags are germ attracters because we aren't careful where we set them down. MOst of us put them on the floor. Then we come home and set them on the table or the counter. Many more germs than what we pick up on our hands.

Ssuggested remedies. Close the toilet lid before flushing. Guess that takes care of the seat up or the seat down fight.:):):) And, either don't set your bag on the floor or wipe it off with sanitary wipes.

As for small objects in the mouth; perhaps you could take some safe toys to your mil's house and leave them there for use during your visits.

I thinkk it's reasonable for you to be concerned and also reasonable that you find a way to educate her. I'd approach it in a light hearted manner. If she has a good sense of humor use humor. Start out not too serious but firmly enough that she knows it's important. Give her a lot of praise for raising those 6 children. Suggest that we just can't do somethings the same way that she did because the world has changed.

If after a concerted effort at education she still mixes up raw meat with vegetables tell her you'll come visit but you can't eat there. Emphasis how much you'll miss that.

I just remembered that I learned about meat and illness from a friend while she was helping me cook or I her. She said something like have you heard ..........talking about a specific information that she'd read about. Then we pulled out another cutting board.

If she doesn't wash her cutting boards in the dishwasher she needs to wash them with a bleach solution and let the solution sit on the board for a few minutes before rinsing it off. Or have consistent designated boards for each use. I like the idea of a package of different colored mats. They easily wash in the dishwasher. Perhaps at some point you could bring her a package of them. This may be a product that's new to her.

I like to try out new products. And I like pretty things for the kitchen. Since she doesn't seem to want change new mats may not work for her.

I remember one of my somewhat goofy cousins wrapping his arms around his mother, giving her a squeeze and saying something like, "Ma you're not going to do that are you? You want me to die?" all said in good humor. It worked.

I always made real egg nog with raw eggs for years and years. Then all of a sudden I hear that our eggs now carry salmonella and must either be cooked or pasteurized.

Another approach could be for the small objects that Daughter doesn't manage those well. I'm afraid she'll swallow them. Maybe your kids did better. Finding ways to say things so that she is less likely to feel defensive could help. I know you cook differently than we do and it worked for you. Could you follow some simple steps when you cook for us because doing that will make us feel much more comfortable eating here. We love to be here. We like your food. We just want to keep the raw meat separate from the other foods.

As an adult I am not so worried about some of the sanitation issues. I've had food poisoning more than once. Twice I was very ill during the first week of my vacations while I was staying at a motel. I didn't like being sick but it wasn't fatal or even long lasting. However, I remember that it is babies and young children who get the sickest from food poisoning. And I should start making myself aware that I've now joined the older generation that is also more susceptible. :):)

Good luck. I think that a large group, perhaps a majority of older adults do not keep up with changes and even when they do hear something they resist the change. We have a light hearted saying in our family that helps those of us wanting to make a change feel better so that we can continue working on it. "well what do you expect? The first answer is always no." Changing something often takes time and patience.

This is a very tricky situation. As others have said, she is probably set in her ways and may feel offended by your requests. However, please remember that this is your child, not hers and she really should respect the parenting choices that you and your husband make.

Beyond that, I think it would be best to be straightforward, not try to be passive aggressive. You should be clear and focus on the importance of how you have both chosen to raise your child and what is important for her health and safety. I would not try and sit down and tell her everything at once as it is likely to feel like an attack. You should address each concern as it happens, so it's not about "you always," but about something that just happened. I support the suggestion of using I language to express how you feel and focus on wanting your daughter to spend quality time with her, but also wanting to feel comfortable with it. Explain that it is not an issue of what she thinks is right, but that you are the parent and you need to feel comfortable. So it's not an issue of right and wrong, but her respect of your wishes as the parent. I would start off and end the conversation affirming that you know that she loves your daughter and that you all want them to spend quality time together.

Good luck, this is tough stuff!

She is not worth the MIL, she does not show any safety for your daughter. I would not allow that person to be with my child because she doesn't care about the SAFETY AND CLEANINESS of your child.. It is your CHOICE, making your child sick. It is very unhealthy to have her around your child as well as you. Sometimes when a person is around your child, would like to see your child at risk.. something is wrong with her mind. Stop thinking about her. Think about your CHILD's SAFETY AND HEALTH. I am a grandmother of 6.

ROFL...I love what Judy C's daughter has done. Way to drive the point home, in a "silly" and non-threatening way.

You know...the big problem is that your MIL had 6 kids. EVERYONE is careful with their first. MOST people feel terribly guilty about not being able to do the same things for their 2nd. By the third it's a question of blood (Is there any??), and by the fourth it's, "Well...how much blood? Is it oozing, flowing or squirting?". Can you tell I come from a family where most people have a large family?

Now, the thing is, you have valid concerns. UNFORTUNATELY, someone who's raised six kids IS most likely to be very very laid back. Small beads pass right through. A little diarrhea (one of the biggest killers in countries without Gatorade) is easily handled.

My mum is much the same way as your MIL, and I handle/handled it in a similar, but not as fun and inventive way as Judy's daughter. MY MIL though was actually cut off, for things like leaving my 2 year old at the park by himself, while she walked across the street to the grocery store...I actually CAUGHT her doing this. We then only allowed "supervised" visitation, and then cut her off alltogether. By we, I do mean me.

For my mum I'm her daughter, so I smell milk, toss things in the garbage, can say "Mum!!! Seriously, No atomic weapons until he's 9!!! I don't care if I played with atomic weapons when I was six..." etc. I can clean the kitchen, demand that pillows are tossed on sharp corners before they bounce on the bed, cut up his food smaller, etc. I can do this because she's my mum. I suggest you either get your DH to step into the role of father-protector or put a smile on your face and do it yourself.

A GREAT line is "You know mum's with their first. Humor me, and then we can all laugh later." YOU know that's not true, but it's a feeling-saving, ego-saving out for your mum-in-law. She can feel she's helping out instead of being chastised.

The real "atomic weapon" of course, IS being able to see your daughter. We revoked all rights to my MIL and cut my mum off once, for about a week. Make sure you're dead serious about this one, and save it. For us, cutting of my MIL was a no brainer, and my mum's offense was spanking my 3 year old. She called in tears apologising when she realized we were serious, and we thought about it for a week. But it's a standing rule. NO ONE hits my child.

In any event. You've had a lot of great advice. It's harder when it's not your own mum. If your DH is reluctant, or refuses, show him your letter and all these responses. If he still isn't standing up, give yourself the right. You've always had it, but you've been following family politics. If he doesn't step in, screw diplomacy, it's time to go to war. Figuratively speaking. Try to keep it fun.

Gd'luck

Maybe let your husband talk to her by himself. Then it won't be so two-against-one, and it might be easiest for her to hear it that way. We have some of the same issues with my mom and we've had to tell her that intil things are fixed, our daughter won't be able to come over. My daughter is over 18 months and has never been to her grandma's house. I compensate for that and make sure to invite her out or to our house so my daughter is still getting to know her grandma. Good luck!!

There really is only one issue to discuss with her, and that is hygiene. Have a talk with your husband about how to have a talk with his mom about that. If it were me, I'd be comfortable with her thinking that I was a fanatic germaphobe who must be accommodated even though I'm silly (that wouldn't be accurate, but she might see it that way).

I spent several months in a country where hygiene was not taught to people and they didn't practice it because they didn't know about it. It was really hard for me and once in particular I really lost my cool (which I now, of course, regret). You have to be respectful because she's your husband's mother, if for no other reason, but I'm feeling your pain here. But your children's safety is even more important, and you'll have to find a way to serve both goals at once (safety and respect).

Maybe I could give better suggestions if I knew her, but...

Good luck,
J.

NO sense in being mean and hurting her feelings. I think you could put it all on yourself "I'd feel more comfortable if my child learns she can't drink out of everyone else's cup. Please make her use her own." or "My child still chokes on beads and necklaces, so I have to keep them away from her." "Here let me wipe down the counters for you so we can start preparing lunch" No need to bash her difference of hygeine. Just let her be herself, and you can be helpful, or make your needs for your child known without attacking the differences in point of view. I don't think your husband should as some have said....tell her to get her act together. Lets not breed resentment when it's easier to just modify her behavior in the same way we modify our children's behavior when they eat boogers or do all the other gross stuff that we want them to stop doing. No need to make her wrong...just different.

these are very valid concerns!
it is within your right to implement a rule that she MUST wash her hands after using the restroom at your house. if she asks why, simply play it off genially, like, "oh, i just worry about germs that can come from intestinal tracts. it really means a lot to me." there are microorganisms in her intestinal tract that no one else has in theirs, and if urine or feces accidentally gets on her hands, those microorganisms can make everyone else around her very VERY ill.
as for everything else, you can have your husband talk to his mother about how she prepares food and what she gives your daughter...but from my experience, there is NO CHANGING a MIL. you can have him let his mother know that you guys will not be eating at her house as you worry about food preparation. have him say it's not that you guys don't like spending time with her, it's that the way she runs her kitchen opens everyone up for salmonella and e. coli and other harmful bacterias, and your daughter's body is especially susceptible to these. to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she doesn't know of these dangers and will change.
as for giving your daughter toys you don't approve of, or that are dangerous, you should just straight out say, "mother in law, i really respect the years you spent raising your children. but i worry that my daughter's going to choke on these small objects you give her since she still puts everything in her mouth. i know that would make you feel just awful if she choked on something you gave her, so if we could maybe find a guideline for you, like jane can't have toys smaller than the core of a toilet paper roll, i think it would save all of us a lot of potential heartbreak." if she doesn't stop, you'll just have to have any further visits at your house until your daughter is older. your daughter's safety and health is more important than anyone else's sensibilities or feelings.

I know you're gotten a lot of responses and sympathy! I would also try and involve you MIL in the process. Tell her you're trying to teach her about healthy habits and germs and you want her to help. I would also bring her own food or have her come to your house. Good luck!

You have every right to be concerned. Perhaps you could start off with the small toys/objects and maybe even ask her yourself to please not give your daughter anything she could choke on and tell her that you feel those things are not okay for her to have. Kind of feel her out. See how receptive she is to it and take the rest on one at a time I would have your husband tackle the rest of them though, unless you get an extrememly positive response. Until you can get them all taken care of, I would pay extra attention to anything your daughter eats over there and make sure to take some antibacterial wipes with you to keep her hands clean.

Yikes! SY, I would definitely agree that you have a dilema here. This is a situation where your MIL is putting your child at risk for a number of illnesses (hepatitis, anyone?) and injury. Under such conditions, it is the right and even the duty of a parent to take action. I think your husband needs to handle this one, with your support, of course. Yes, she raised six kids. Well, my parents raised twelve without proper car restraints or bike helmets. That's no excuse to ignore the benefits of modern safety. It's simple common sense. This lady may get upset and offended, but you need to decide which is more important in the long run: her feelings or your daughter's well being. It won't be easy, obviously, and I don't envy your position - at all. Talk to your husband. He needs to realize the importance of basic safety, AND the two of you need to be a united front. Perhaps you can make a conversation out of some news item involving the injury or illness of a child. Involve your MIL in the discusion. Explain that you are very careful about protecting your own child. Remind her that a 15-month-old is still vulnerable, because she hasn't had her full course of vaccinations. When you feel your resolve weakening, take a good look at your little girl. Remember, you won't be able to wipe away all of the dirty habits, but you will feel better knowing you have done all you can. I sure wish you lots of luck, SY. Please keep us posted. I'm sure there are lots of other moms who would love to know how to deal with the same issues.

Sorry I didn't read the other responces...
You have valid concerns..

If you really have the BEST HUSBAND, HE will tell HIS mom to clean up HER act. You say nothing. HE has to say something. She won't take it seriously from you, only that your a "nit-picky first time mom"

Hello S!

First I have to say that what your MIL is doing is absolutely appalling. Sorry if I'm making you feel uncomfortable.

The MIL is taking everything for granted. I am happy to say that I have never experienced that with the MIL, neither my mom.

MIL really should be respecting you and your wishes when it comes to your child. I have to agree with one of the ladies bofore me, mentioning that your hubby should bring this issue up with her, in his own way, but he really shouldn't beat around the bush. The line and boundaries need to be set here.

I feel the same as you when it comes to having sanitary habits in regards to children. Teaching children these things is so important today.

The MIL's unsanitariness really needs to be addressed. Snip it in the bud. There's no excuse for that at all. It's really hard for me to see a responsible adult carrying on in that manner. But she may have always been that way, even with her own kids.

You and your hubby are the caretaker of your daughter and your are right in protecting her. Just think of all of the little children who get ecoli. What about saars. There are so many diseases out there that we have to really watch out for. I always kept my daughter clean. When she got older, she washed her own hands and was loving it too. All of the good habits (sanitary) really paid off. Today, she is 12 and she is a very mature and sanitary young lady. She gives everything her all. So, what you teach your child today, she will take with her as she goes out there in the world and she'll have great work ethics about herself. She'll end up having really good standards.

I am happy to see that your hubby would be more than happy to talk with the MIL. I think, maybe a family meeting at your home where this really can be out in the open. I know confronting the MIL can be very hard. We think about their feelings and don't want to hurt them. But you have to ask yourself, "How is she gonna know if we don't tell her." You and your hubby should sit down and really talk about what is going to be said in your meeting. Just you, your hubby and the MIL. Understanding should be addressed, as well as respect. She is not respecting you. I understand that she has had 6 children, but you have your ways of raising your daughter, and she needs to know.

You know what,,, all of these suggestions are great, but I can't help thinking, it would be nice for her to think about how you are a first time mom and she could be helping you out with that anxiety by just using extra caution for YOUR sake and not try to push her past parenting on you..

I have a similar MIL as I'm sure many of us do. The best thing you CAN do in my opinion, is limit the exposure your daughter has to her if it's really important or jeopardizes your dd safety. If you have a well thought list of things that you'd like to address, you can take that up with her, but I'd say chances are good it won't get you anywhere. My MIL would go out of her way to do things her way, when I asked her not to again and again. It was when I stopped allowing her access to her granddaughter that she took me seriously. For example, we had issues with car seats early on. The MIL and FIL wanted to put my little toddler in the back seat, or their laps, and feel that was "Safe enough" since that was the way they raised their kids. At 9 y.o. they still insist that she's "Old enough to ride in a lap" I've taught my daughter to look out for herself and refuse to get into cars with them (or anyone) if there is not a shoulder belt for her. With the toddler age all you can do is ask them to follow rules, and if they don't, then limit exposure. You're the parent now, you get to make the rules, that's just the way it goes. I know this sounds harsh in a way, but I've learned not to be wishy washy and stand up for MY RIGHTS as a parent with my daughter, and thus the saftey of my child, otherwise you are at the mercy of others, and frankly, my dd is to important.

The rules of your house (family) apply to whatever house they may be in. "We always wash our hands before eating" "We always wash our hands after touching a diaper, or anything in it...that includes private parts" Remind your daughter or these rules - whatever yours happen to be- in the presence of you MIL. Don't correct your MIL, but remind baby of the rules and ask gram to help. I try to remind all my babysitters that anything small enough to fit inside a toilet paper tube is a chocking hazard, and I include a tp tube in the diaper bag, so they have the visual reminder and guage for any questionable items. I agree that you might have to take the brunt of some of this, and help her clean up, or designate a baby only glass, etc... I wish you luck.

This sounds oh so too familiar. My in-laws had many of the same food habits, hygene, etc. So.... what's a younger mom to do? Control the location. Instead of going to her house to eat once a week, invite her to yours, you prepare the meal or order out. I could never trust the food prep at their house regardless of the stories of them owning a restaurant way back when. Hygene scared me. So we made up stories to reinforce the need for handwashing, like the doctor says because of.... we need to wash more frequently or use this particular soap, (castile, pHysohex, Pear) because it doesn't have perfume in it and the kids are really sensitive for some reason to additives. Small object toys and playthings... by her being at your house, you'll reduce the opportunity for those things to be around. Yes, at some point in time, you'll need to teach your daughter that only food goes in her mouth. You'll have to teach Grandma to be more observant, let her know that in today's toy world, things are made all over the world and we never know what they're made of, so we need to be extremely cautious about what kids play with and put in their mouths. If you must eat at her home, take the meal to her. One day come over and let her watch your daughter while you give her the gift of deep cleaning her kitchen. Scrub her refrigerator, get rid of the past pull date fresh stuff. Bleach her cutting boards, etc. Once things are deep cleaned it will be easier for her to keep up. Take things one issue at a time. Did it work out for my in-laws? We agreed to disagree, the kids were protected and not ever left with them, as they couldn't keep up with them. We had them at our house, we ate out with them. They never came to see them at a school function and didn't like interacting with them when there were other adults present. Sharing was not one of their strong virtues. But life went on. Just take care of your daughter first and foremost. And if you can't trust her on these various issues, why is she babysitting for you? Find another sitter for your own peace of mind.

All I can say is..."Do we have the same MIL?"

Holy Cow! I still have issues. I finally couldn't be around her anymore. She does watch our girls once in a while and my husband knows I don't agree with 90% of what the woman does and think she's manipulative and controlling. What I finally did was leave it up to my husband and I stepped back. Of course I tried to put the fear of God in my husband that if something happened to our children in her care... I don't go to her house but rarely and try to make sure she watches the girls at our house. At least our house is a more controlled environment. I occasionally have to bluntly say - don't give the girls loose change to put in the piggy bank and then leave them alone with it or whatever the issue is. I'm the meanie or like someone else said, make the doctor the meanie. My MIL tends to lie if you confront her, so it usually doesn't help much.

Good luck!