Mentally Ill Father

My mother is an unmedicated schizophrenic. I only saw her twice after I went to live with my paternal grandparents at the age of three. They always just told me that my mom couldn't take care of me so she let them do it, and they gave me an incredible life. I saw her for one day when I was 9, and went to visit her out of state for two weeks when I was 16. There I was able to witness why I didn't grow up with her, and my grandparents finally told me everything. I haven't spoken to her since. Especially now that I have children, I feel a need to protect all of us from the inevitable heartache. But I'm glad I wasn't raised by or around her, and as long as you continue to be the best mom you can be to her, she will not lack anything she might have had from her father. Hang in there!

I've had lots of professional experience with mentally ill people . I was married to a schizophrenic, also. I don't know what is best for you or your baby. Only a professional person who either knows him or who has enough experience to make wise guesses can adequately advise you. They wouldn't tell you yes or no about involving him in your daughter's life. They would tell you what you need to know about his illness and his personality to make an informed decision.

I recommend that, if he contacts you again, you get his signed permission to talk with his psychiatrist. Or, if you know who the psychiatrist is, tell him what you are concerned about and ask him if he can get permission to talk with you.

Second best would be to talk with another psychiatrist who specializes in psychotic disorders and feels comfortable talking about possibilities.

From your description I strongly suspect that your daughter's father has had a psychotic break which I think would put him into a schizophrenic diagnosis. This is a much more serious illness than schizo affective disorder. With schizophrenia, he may eventually be stabilized on medication which would make being involved in his daughter's life quite doable. The question is, will he agree to remain on medication all of the time. The side effects can be quite disagreeable to the patient. It also takes time to find the right balance of medications.

My ex has been stable and held down a responsible position for 30+ years. He rarely missed work, was highly productive and lived a relatively normal life. He is the exception rather than the rule but many schizophrenics do live reasonably stable lives and are a positive influence in their children's lives. They usually have difficulty with personal relationships, tho we are divorced for reasons other than his illness. I learned that even when someone has schizophrenia they also have their individual personalities that affect relationships.

I strongly urge you to get a better understanding of his prognosis and ways to handle this situation so that it's the most beneficial to your daughter. You will need to tell her at some point that her father is mentally ill so that she can make informed decisions about her health care. I suggest that the more you know about him the better off both you and your daughter will be. That doesn't mean that he has to be physically involved in her life but she does need to know he exists and why he's not in her life when she's older.

I suggest, if deemed reasonable by a psychiatrist, that he be allowed to see her in a supervised setting. She will be able to accept her particular circumstances if she grows up knowing that she will only see him from time to time. I believe that this would be much better than never seeing him and being unable to know for herself what he's like. If she never sees him she's left with too many unknowns and will have questions that haunt her for the rest of her life.

I suggest that you also discuss this with a child psychiatrist that specializes in custody issues. Your situation is just too complicated for the lay person to answer.

Also consider that even tho a court would not grant him parenting time, he still has the ability to petition the court. He can make your life difficult in many ways if you're not reasonable, in his view, of allowing him to see her. Because he's mentally ill, he may pursue action in weird ways. For that reason you may also want to talk with a family law attorney.

Later: You said you want to make this decision now and not wait until she's 2 or 3. This isn't a one time decision unless you decide to disappear and literally deny that he's her father. I urge you to consider the possibility that at some point it will not only be possible but important that she know who he is and is able to see him. Please, please talk with psychiatrists! Especially a child psychiatrist. Your daughter's mental health is too important to make a permanent decision based on the opinions of people who do not know you, her, or her father and his family.

When I read that line, I realized that you perhaps don't know that circumstances happen that require us to be flexible enough to make a different decision at a later time. He is her father. He is permanently a part of her life whether she sees him or not.

I'm really not sure what suggestions or advice to give you - but I do have a question (and I hope not to complicate this situation for you even more)... but what about your daughter's paternal grandparents? Do you/will you let them spend time with your daughter? If you have a good relationship with them maybe you could talk to her and voice your concerns. I know it may be a difficult discussion to have - but at the same time, this whole situation is rather difficult. Maybe since his mother is now his legal guardian, she would have some insight on what she thinks he would be able to handle or what she thinks would be best...
If you're not able (or wouldn't want to) to talk to his mother about this, could you maybe speak with a counselor that you could voice your concerns about his mental status to - and see if maybe they have any suggestions or even if they know where/who else you could go for advice...?
I definitely understand that you want your daughter to have a 'father figure' in her life. Are you still living at home with your parents? Would your father be able to be a grandfather-figure in her life?
I definitely agree that your daugher's father shouldn't have unsupervised visitation with your daughter, if you decided to allow him to spend time with her - at least at first (if ever).
Good luck!

This is a very tough situation for you to deal with. Schizoaffective disorder means that in addition to not always being in touch with reality, affected people also have a "mood component" to their illness. It is treatable with medication most of the time. The trouble is that many time people feel so well with their medication that they quit taking it (I know it sounds weird), If my baby's father continued his medication I would encourage him to be in my daughter's life...but if he was not taking it I believe he would not be stable enough to provide guidance and the role-modeling I think she would need on a routine basis, so I would think twice about encouraging frequent contact. Get counseling for this one. You can only go up from here. God bless and I will keep you in my prayers.

This is my opinion:

Be honest with her about who her dad is, and what he is. Mental illness carries a lot of stigma in this day and age, and it really shouldn't. Some people just aren't as neuro-chemically "normal" as others are. There is no shame. If you set the expectation of what his behavior patterns are like (up and down, sane and crazy, etc.) it will make it easier for her to have realistic expectations of him as she grows up, and it will also teach her to have compassion for those among us with less than perfect brain chemistry.

The trick in this honesty is making the truth appropriate for her age. Personally, I would wait until she begins questioning you. Keep in mind, that a child's actual question may be different than what we, as adults, are hearing. So, clarify with her as well so you understand what exactly she is asking to know.

*if* there are any visitations, just make sure they are fully chaparoned. For her safety and your feeling of security. So long as he's not in a violent episode, depressed, disordered thinking, delusions, etc. It should be ok for her to see her father.

Do as much reading on the topic as you can. *IF* you choose to allow face to face interactions with them in the future, just ask to be kept in the loop on her father's treatment. If it is possible for you to create a relationship with the parents of the father- I would simply for learning about the family's medical history. There are plenty of traits and disorders that seem to be passed down through generations.

http://www.medicinenet.com/schizoaffective_disorder/artic...

I'm sure you've done some research, but this is a good starting point.

Good luck!!

awww I am so sorry about this, it must be really hard for you. Personally I think you need to worry about your DD being safe, I think sadly he might be a threat to her. I love that you will be honest w/ her, that is so imp. it is not his fault nor is it hers and she needs to know that. I cant answer this for you as you need to do what is right for you and what is in your heart. I will say that, but I am sure you know this, he should not be alone w/ her so keep that in mind also. xo good luck

I am so sorry you are going through this.

While I think the choice of how much visitation (if any) the father gets should ultimately be up to you, I think you 1000% owe it to your daughter to be honest with her about who her father is and why he can't be a part of her life. My inclination would be to allow supervised visits when he's well, knowing that you don't know how few and far between those will be. I do also think that you should quietly protect her from his psychotic episodes, keeping him away without bashing him. Easier said than done, no doubt.

Think about what you would say to her if this man had a brain tumor. You would probably explain that he is very sick so he can't be around very much. It's not the kind of sick that you can catch, like a cold, but just a sickness in someone's body that stays there and doesn't go away. When he feels better he can come and play, but you're never sure when the sick is going to come back. But even though he's sick he loves her and he's lucky that she's his daughter. It's not your ex's fault that he has a mental illness instead of cancer and his disease has a stigma.

This way, there's no lie to get caught in when she's older. She can ask questions as she grows up and you can be honest with her. But it also leaves room for you to bring other relationships into her life that don't replace her father but supplement.

Good luck.

I do not know how to begin to explain that I went through some similar thing, had two children with my ex husband, he would do disappearing acts, etc. he was classified schizoid, had OCD, drank to medicate himself and I am sure there was more. I did eventually leave him, but was confused about it myself, much as you were, I kind of hoped he would disappear, didn't, and my children actually are grown and feel sorry for him, and I suppose do understand why I left, but still feel so sorry and guilty that they kind of jump when he beckons. My point is coming...your daughter is little, five months, and you can make conditions on his visitation. He needs to be medicated and prove that he is. He should be in your presence if you decide to do this, until the miraculous day comes when he realizes he has this problem and works to eliminate it. You are right it is up to you. Two of you produced your child, but you are the only one who sees the important need to protect her. So do whatever it takes to do so and if he doesn't like your decision, or your conditions, then he can take you to court, which he probably wouldn't. The problem with these people is they can be sweet and you can also find out that he doesn't have an illness that is a disease so other see us as the bad guys because we have to do things to protect our children. You are a great mom for thinking about this. I am tired and need to go to sleep but if you wish to discuss this further, please go ahead and write again. In the meantime you are on the right track deciding what to do. In the meantime enjoy the little one. Much love and good luck to you.

Gosh. If I was in your position (after thinking about this for awhile), I would probably move somewhere and not let him or his family know where (I would give them a PO box # to contact me via mail but NEVER a physical address).

Once moved, I would start my life over with my daughter, and as she grew I would be completely honest with her (age appropriate of course) about me and the father, who he is, what he has, why it didn't work between us and why I chose to move away (safety).

In being honest, she will never have unanswered questions (hopefully) and so she'll be able to live her life to the fullest. In moving away I would be assuring her safety and wellbeing, as well as improving both of our futures.

You still have plenty of time to meet a good man to be a daddy if you so choose. There are many good men out there who would jump at the chance. I'd take that chance and go with it. Your daughter will understand and I think your bond together will be stronger than anything.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you and your darling daughter. :)

I really do not know the right answer for you...but my only thought would be if you choose to allow him and her to get to know each other that you should always be present for the visitations and take it very slow. How are his parents? If he is living with them maybe they can be of some help to you and you can communicate with them about whether or not he is having a good day and maybe just keep it to a lunch visit or something like that? Your daughter is still so young that if her visits with dad are always supervised and rather short and even not very consistent that most likely
They will become just part of her "normal" life and maybe you can hold off on the serious conversation about who and what her father really is until she herself is quite a bit older...IDK? But I would most definitely try to build a good relationship with his parents, you will probably really need it.

I wish I could be of more help...you are in a tough situation and I admire your wanting to do your best for both your daughter and him!

if your gut is tell you no then follow your gut! this is a very hard decision i know and you don't want to be a B@&#^ and not let him see his daughter but sometimes you have to let go. but hopefully not permantly. hopefully he can get some treatment and get his mental issue under some kind of control and then you can let him have supervised visits. i hope that you can make some headway with this situationand you are on my prayers. good luck.

idk what i was thinking forgot this was public i guess

Hi,
I was in a very similar situation in 2010. My daughter is now 4 years old. Her mentally-ill father lives in another country. He was talking to her via Skype. However, he appears and disappears at will. This last time he disappeared with no word for 5 months and has never sent money, even though he works part time (lives with mother). I'm looking at setting up better parameters. I understand that he has problems and want to be compassionate. However, I don't want my daughter to suffer from his inconsistency. I would love to know what you have figured out in the last few years and how you talk to your daughter about the reality of things. It was great for me to read your article because I could really relate! Thanks

i read this entire story after yet again another fitful day of feeling horrible for keeping my son away from his father. i struggle every day with the decisions, and felt so completely alone. while right now i have so much to say about this story it overwhelmes me, i will say just this! thank you for showing me that i am not alone, and will say to you, there are so many other people going out there in your exact situation. our stories are so similar! i hope that you can find the strength to decide what is right, as every single situation is different and complex. good luck, thank you for sharing!