Memory Strike

It always makes me sad when women speak of their husbands like they are children. Perhaps speak as if he was an adult and he will try to act like one.

A wise friend posted this in a discussion about training husbands,

"That occurred to me the other day when I was looking at yet another package, opened, emptied, left out. He'd changed the mesh filter on the washer hose (where it empties into the utility sink). All I could think was "he took the time to cut the other one off and put this on, I am not going to bug him about the trash". That's a pet peeve of mine, but I've decided that since I'm not perfect, this is one area I can help with discreetly. He's just not aware of the follow-through, but often initiates getting things done, so this is how I can help!

Noticing that, just when I think "why am I the only one to change the toilet paper rolls" or somesuch thing, that the only reason I notice it is because he'd been doing it for a while already and now I'm the one being inconvenienced. There's something to be said for trying to change the global language (always, never) we impose on these situations to the word "sometimes"."

This is an interesting perspective in your post, mainly because I find that 'natural consequences' are best used to help children learn how to be in the world.

Your husband is your peer. You should be a team with him, not his mom. That only kills relationships. Act as a team. Treat him like YOU would want to be treated if you did something repeatedly that annoyed him. How would you like to be spoken to?

It can be tiring being the person who is running the ship at home. But we make our choices, so to speak, and you knew who he was before you had three kids, I'm guessing. He's making the load much lighter by working out of the home, which can be a monumental stress for many breadwinners. Help him out in ways that respect his person. Don't try to 'train' him. And try to work on helping *yourself* let those petty infractions, as it were, go from your mind. Keeping track only fuels resentment, be a TEAM. Works much better.

(post was edited for brevity.)

They need, lists. Or a big poster!
Possibly.
But not everyone remembers things, as you will. The Mom, The Wife, The Supreme Being of the House and all its Occupants.
LOL

My Husband, can't even remember to put his own plate in the sink.
But then, he can remember all other sorts of things, that I don't.
Because, MY head is way overloaded and busy, remembering everything else.

I take care of, 4 other people in my family. I have the Husband, 2 kids and my Mom that lives with us. Oh and pets and a garden and etc. I am a Concierge.
Literally.
Once, it was storming... in the middle of the night and super windy. It woke me up. I THEN, went about the house, closing all the windows so that the rain did not enter the windows and cause water damage etc. In the middle, of the night, I did this. NO one else, in the house, would have thought of that. I had to put towels at each door as well, because rain was coming in from under the door, the wind was that, strong.
Oh sure, the next day, the family members told me they heard the rain while sleeping. But no one thought, to check the house.
Only, me.
My brain works that way.
Theirs, don't.
The only one that is similar to my brain, is my daughter's. She woke up a bit, in her sleepy groggy state and came and told me "Mommy, don't forget the other door over there..." because her brain, thought of it. Not the others. And she brought me a towel to wipe a window sill that was soppy wet. And then she went back to bed. I hugged her.
I told my Husband the next day. He tells me "GOOD thing we have you!" I told him, in a joking way "Yah, usually HUSBANDS do those things.... good thing my Dad taught me how to do all sorts of things, not just girl things..." LMAO.

Thing is: you can tell your Husband. But not like he will, always, remember to do those things.
Once, my Husband forgot to close the rear trunk/door of our van, plus the garage was STILL open. Too.
Geez.
I call him over, tell him "LOOK... what is wrong with this picture....?"
And he says "oh I forgot to close the doors..."
and it was no big deal to him. Not important to him, like it was, to me.
Different.
DUH!

Your kids are pretty young. Just wait till they are older and have more responsibilities. You will be amazed what brain capacity you really have.

Compared to my incredibly responsible H, I am the loopy one. He has trained me quite a bit but there are things that I will never believe are important and therefore my brain rejects. But safety is a biggy for me and never would I leave a stove on or a garage door open.

Funny. My husband is similar. His capacity for remembering history and politics amazes me plus he's in the medical field so his science, engineering and tech knowledge is amazing too. But sure - lights off. Nope. Little things. Nope. He does do the garage door. Aren't you losing a ton of heat in Chicago of all places??? Maybe forge your utility bill and say it must be from the lost heat... The lights drive me crazy bc I want our kids to grow up conservative with energy and money. He grew up in a very frugal house so I don't get it. Except some male minds are very different. Probably not much you can do. But when he comes home maybe just ask about the door right away?

I would say that what works for your kids isn't going to work for your husband, for one reason: he will resent being treated like a child, and he will recognize it for being exactly that, immediately. Don't go there.

Be direct. Most men I know are more than willing to at least TRY to do what we ask them, if we would just come out and ask them directly, without a lot of unnecessary words (which usually just confound and stress them). Just say, "honey, Will you close the garage after you pull your car in? That would make me happy." And stop! Don't continue on about WHY it would please you... he really truly doesn't care, and he also doesn't even want to know! He just wants to know what you want, not why. He's not a woman.
;)

oh..and then follow up with Lillym's idea...

When my MIL was younger she was in a horse riding accident and this caused her to lose her short term memory. She started putting post it notes with reminders EVERY where and doing brain exercises. Her memory has actually improved. Even though your husband doesn't have that the post it thing would prevent the annoyances

I always say my husband is book smart and that's about it.

Sorry to say, but it's not going to work. I sure couldn't leave the garage open though.

Does he have a smart phone? if he does, can you set an alarm to remind him to check the garage. I do this for my husband ONLY for things that are very important because if he hears his alarm go off all the time, he will tune it out. Only alarms I have on his phone are; garbage night, my bday & kids bday, any major events.

If it's an every evening event, I just have to tell him what to do, like he's my 5th child.

This sounds really frustrating! But there could honestly be a neurological reason for it. People who have exceptionally good verbal memories (as it sounds like your husband does) sometimes have visual memory deficits -- it's the absentminded professor syndrome. I have that to some extent -- I remember the names (first, middle, last) of pretty much everyone I've ever met, but I have to expend a ridiculous amount of time, energy, everything keeping track of my phone and my keys. I also have a very hard time picturing maps in my head -- takes me years to figure out shortcuts, alternate routes, etc. That said, he SHOULD be responsible for these things. I'm responsible for my keys, my phone, not getting lost everywhere I go. I make it work. But there may be a valid and legitimate reason why this is hard for him.

If you follow behind everyone and double check, then you are putting extra pressure on yourself.

Has my hubby left the garage door open before? Yes, but I just close it myself and move on. I am not going to measure tit for tat on who does what around here and get upset about it because I might do one more thing than hubby did that day.

If he forgets to do something I know it is probably because he's got a lot on his mind involving managing our company. He routinely gets the super hot phone call and scrambles to find material for a client so their plant won't shut down, manage the inventory in our warehouses, manage the trucking companies who deliver our products to our clients, and make sure I have all necessary paperwork so I can manage the financial aspect of our company.

Bottom line, if he forgets and he sometimes does, it is not a biggie to me because he is working his tail off to ensure that our company remains successful and we support our family. It is clear that his priority is our family and I appreciate that about him.

I don't bother him with the small stuff like a garage door or turning a light on or off. We are a team.

My husband and I have a nightly routine after far too many times of leaving the car unlocked, interior lights being left on, doors being left wide open on the car.
Each night we check to make sure the cars are locked by physically pulling on the handle, make sure the garage door is closed. We do a quick walk of the house to make sure things are locked, turned off, cats have food and water.
We say the all important magic words of "We are in for the night". This way we don't get in bed and do the whole "honey, did the front door get locked" or whatever it is.
The kids get in and out of the car, the garage, whatever so we don't always know what state things are in. We've been so scatterbrained that we forget ourselves.
I would never leave something like the garage open at night on purpose just to prove a point. There are so many ways that can backfire. It's not worth it.

remind him sweetly reward him for remembering hubba hubba,

Good advice below. My 2 cents is...don't expect changes overnight. :) I do cut my husband some slack because I realize I do things that drive him crazy, too.

One method I started using as my kids were getting "older" (they're 4 and 2) is that he needs to model behavior for the kids. So, to teach them to pick up after themselves/put away their toys, we ALL do that with our stuff. We verbalize the action (whether its the kids doing it or the adult doing it) so it helps our kids (and grown ups!) to "learn" that behavior. Same deal for turning off lights. "Look! We're leaving this room so we're turning off the lights!" Of course, this doesn't work after the kids go to bed.

I always forget to check if the doors are locked, so my husband goes around to check at night. It's just "his job." :) Our garage door opener has a timer setting on it so that it closes on its own after "x" number of minutes.

Just let him know ONE thing you want him to work on, and let him know you appreciate it when he does it without being reminded.

Yeah, I'd have to say that closing the garage door is "your" job now. But I don't see anything wrong with saying, "Honey, go close the garage door. Thank you."

I was going to disagree and say that my husband isn't like this at all, but then I read Doris Day's answer and realized my husband lived on his own for 12 years before we were married. That probably helped him considerably.

The bonus is that our boys are now being raised by two parents who know how to pay attention to details and pick up after themselves, so they also know how to do this.

I hope your plan works for you. Natural consequences do work well in our home. :)

There are a lot of geniuses who forget to close garage doors.

Are you able to ask him to do the little things without sounding like a nag? Ask him how you could do it!

One natural consequence of no one's closing the garage door might be a missing car. Do you have an automatic garage door? Maybe pushing a button would be easier to remember than hauling the door down.

Set a rule (for those who can follow it) that anybody who walks into the kitchen checks the stove to make sure it's turned off! Since your brain and your husband's seem to work quite differently, concentrate on the most important reminders (the safety ones), and try not to sweat the small stuff. It's annoying, yes, but he could be forgetting worse things... like you...

I think notes can be helpful. A friend of mine had a note that she saw as she went out the front door that said, "turn off flames" to remind her to turn off the stove - we all have things that we overlook. Depending on your set up a note on the door going into the house that says, Dont forget the close the garage, is great. Even post its on the lights that say "turn off when you leave" is fine. After a while people might automatically remember. Getting your husband to pick up after himself is a little more complicated...Pick your battles, I guess.

Do what my MIL did upon realizing, in her opinion, the shortcomings of her husband, train her kids to be better than him in those regards. In her case, she has left a living legacy of two boys who are capable of cooking, cleaning, laundering, keeping house, tending livestock, doing major home renovation, keeping finances, and generally being good, frugal, and caring people. My SIL, the third later born child, was brought up with a more lax attitude, and had to learn many of these skills by trial and error while living on her own.

For what it's worth, my Hubs, is pretty good about these things, where we have "conflict" is that he will do 3+ jobs, before tending to my one request- i.e.
me- Hey love, can you grab a sippy while you are in the kitchen?
hubs- OK. (hubs then empties the coffee grinds, wipes down the counters, rinses out the gallon of milk, readies the recycling to be put out).
me- Um, that sippy please?
hubs- OK, be right there. (sets the kettle onto boil, pulls pasta out of the pantry, notices that we are low on apple sauce and adds it to the shopping list).
me- (now in the kitchen) excuse me, coming to get the sippy.
hubs- Oh yeah, I was on it, just got busy doing other jobs.

He needs to get everything in its place before taking on new work. It isn't about being passive aggressive, for him. I have to work hard on biting my tongue when my one request gets waylaid, by jobs I don't regard as time sensitive/ mission critical. I am sure that the way I go about things might sometimes get on his last nerve too.

Best,
F. B.