Me and My Husband Are Having Arguments over a Second Child.

Try volunteering at a place with babies or even working at a daycare center if you feel a strong need to hold a baby.

Don't EVER have a child to give another child a sibling. You don't even know if your son will get along with his sibling!!! I assumed my daughters would be best friends but pretty much all they have ever done for years is fight, which has created a much more stressful home for all of us. Children need to be brought into the world because BOTH parents want and love them, they are not a toy or an accessory for a child :-(
I'm sorry, I know you have baby fever but you need to get past it. Seek counseling if you can't accept this on your own.

this is a huge thing to be stuck on. i'm very, very glad to hear you're not one of the sneaky gals who would just go ahead when her partner is so adamantly opposed. i HATE that.
but there's really no compromise position on this issue. no middle ground at all. so it's a a biggie for sure.
all i can suggest is a really, really competent marriage counselor to help you two figure out how to live with one person's 'win' and the other's resentment, or counseling for you alone to work through it.
when the rubber meets the road, i think 'no kid' trumps 'let's have a kid' every time. it's very hard to be denied the opportunity to have another baby if you really want one, but i think the worst thing is to stick anyone with a child they don't want. awful for everybody.
worst case scenario, if you absolutely cannot get past it and your life will truly not be complete without another child, you find a new man.
i hope you are able to resolve this in a way that you can both live with.
khairete
S.

You've got this image in your head how great it would be to give a sibling to your child.
It's not a gift every kid wants or needs.
Sure some sibling are close and are life long buddies.
But some never get along and are life long enemies.

My younger sister (by 22 months) and I are as different as day and night.
We've never got along and never will.
It was pure torture growing up with her and we could not wait till we moved away from home.
To this day I have no feeling in my scalp from all the hair pulling I grew up with - we brawled like boys - sometimes you had to knock her down and sit on her to keep her from destroying my stuff.
We now live in different states and it's bad enough I have to share a time zone with her.
The only thing we EVER agreed on was we'd never put our kids what we went through - we each have one child, us a boy and my sister has a girl.
I ALWAYS wished I was an only child - my sister was a huge mistake.
Our Mom of course loves us both and wishes we could get along but my sister has always been very difficult and there are times that Mom admits things would have been a lot easier if she'd stopped at one child.
Mom worries to this day about my sisters sanity (or lack thereof).

Your husband sounds luke warm about the idea - he's said flat out 'No' on a few occasions - so believe him and quit pestering about it.
This is about you having baby fever, getting closer to menopause and wanting to use your uterus one more time.
Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

There's a lot to be said about doing your best to raise one child to the best of your ability.
Our son has never had to go without because we had to split resources with another kid.
He never lost my lap to another baby when he was little.
We never had to juggle schedules and miss watching his activities because another sibling had anything else going on.
We have one child to save for and put through college.
We can afford for him to play clarinet, take taekwondo and archery.
We can afford to retire eventually and not have to work will we drop dead.
No sibling rivalry, no bickering or fighting!

It's great to be done with diapers, swollen breasts, and being up all night with a crying baby.
Every baby makes their own set of stretch marks.
It's easier to travel with one child - you can afford to take him to Disney World and other places.
Take your time and think over the positives - and your baby fever will ease off and eventually go away.
If you are not both on board with having another baby, then it's a no go.

Please stop convincing yourself that you need to give your son a sibling. This is not a good reason to have a child. Your child can have a happy full life without a sibling.

If you completely take that off of the table, do you still want another child? If so, that is what you discuss with your husband. Leave your older child out of this.

Do not make a baby for your son. Make a baby only because you both want a baby.

If he does not want a baby, you have two choices-- decide to stay with your one amazing, adorable kid or divorce and move on. Or go to counseling and figure out how you both can get to a place of common ground on this. Being angry, resentful and crying is not going to change the situation, it will only make it worse.

Let me ask k you this, though-- do you think this child you want for your son will improve *anyone's* life if you and your husband aren't in complete accord? Will it do for him to see your marriage go through this stress and discord? What if it does end up in divorce? I think there needs to be a big picture reality check for both you and your husband.

Marriage is a choice to stay committed to each other, no matter what. Sometimes this means dealing with disappointments. I can tell you that if it were me, I would never, ever force my husband into making a babying with me we didn't both want.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Some women really feel that pull to have another child.

Unfortunately, he has been clear he isn't feeling it.

That seals the deal. I have been in your shoes. You HAVE to get to where you're okay with this. Is this imaginary baby more important than your existing child and husband? That is the impression you're giving. You need to really think about it. Which is more important to you? Knowing you have a wonderful husband and son that you already love- what if you DID never have another baby? What if you couldn't conceive? What if you had another miscarriage and the doctors told you another baby wasn't possible? There is a good chance another baby will never happen - it could even still not happen if you both agreed. You need to get to the point within yourself that this isn't of life-or-death importance.

Imagine your life going forward, without ever having another baby. Truly sit down and think about it. And how it WOULD be okay. embrace the idea. It may well be your reality. Get used to it.

And at the same time, I think it's fair to discuss this one more time with hubby -BUT you have to be fair. You have to listen to his reasons. He needs to be honest with you (sounds like he pretty much is) and you need to accept that. You both DO have to be on board when talking about a new baby. It's just a fact of life.

It is hard but you will have to accept it may never happen - and that you'll be JUST FINE if it doesn't.

BOTH parents have to want and agree to a child. Your husband is satisfied with the one child you have, he does not want another one. I know you want one, but you do not have the right to force another child on your husband.

This is a really important point for you to hear: You should NOT have a child in order to give your other child a sibling. First of all, many or most oldest children are perfectly happy without siblings to take away their parents' attention.

Second, you don't say how old your son is, but the truth is that if he's 3 or older, he's already too old to play with any siblings he might have. A four or five year gap in kids usually makes them too old to play together.

Also, if you had a girl, they may have nothing in common anyway. My oldest son, who was 3-1/2 years older than his sister, had nothing in common with her and they rarely played together. He would have been completely happy without her.

I know it's hard to let go of the idea of another child when you want one, but I think that given your advanced age, your husband's unwillingness, and the fact that your son probably doesn't care, it's time to give up your dream of having another child.

Your husband is correct, focus on the family you DO have.

While I do believe that married couples don't need to agree 100% on EVERY subject? This is O. where I think you do.

I can't think of many worse things than raising a child to adulthood with a spouse I knew was not 100% sure this child should even exist.

I'm sorry, I can imagine you're very disappointed.
Seems like you guys have discussed this for quite some time and he seems pretty set on having O..

This must be really tough for you and your husband. But in all honesty, in order to have another baby, you BOTH must want it. Otherwise your husband will be resentful toward you, and likely the baby, who doesn't deserve to only have one dedicated parent.

I suggest counseling. If he won't go, you should go alone. It doesn't mean you are crazy. It will help you understand a communicate better with your husband.

When one person does not want another child, then the answer should be no.

However, if this issue has you at the breaking point of your marriage, then you certainly do not need to add a baby to the mix. Talk to a counselor to sort out your feelings about why you are so adamant about having another child when hubby clearly does not. If your hubby clearly does not, then he should protect himself with a vasectomy.

Think about your husbands point of view... he probably worries about your health since you have had some issues before, he probably worries about how he can continue to provide well for his family, he is probably thinking college funds, retirement funds, etc.

I know you say money is not an issue but money can be an issue if you have a preemie, special needs, etc. Medical issues can bankrupt families who think it would never happen to them. Never feel so comfortable with your financial standing that you think nothing can go wrong. People who do that usually get bitten in the rear when they least expect it.

Also, you are set on giving your son a sibling. There is no guarantee that siblings will get along and have any type of relationship.

I am 6 years older than my brother. My mother was determined to have another baby. I truly feel that her demanding this other child was part of the end of my parent's marriage, coupled with other issues of course. I don't know if she tricked my dad or not.

I do know I am not close to my brother at all, never have been. We do not talk unless he calls me asking me for money and those conversations are usually with me explaining to him that he needs money because he does not manage his own properly. I am no one's bank... I worked too hard to get where I am to enable someone who has no respect for money.

I have a neighbor who wanted a 2nd child and she "accidently" got pregnant while on antibiotics and birth control pill. They are now divorced.

You have a lot of thought processing to go through. Please talk to a professional so you get past anger, hurt and resentment before you lose the relationship you have with your husband.

Best wishes.

Your relationship isn't working quite right - counseling might help, because the resentment now has built up.

If one person doesn't want another child, than you don't have another child.

And if you feel like you want to divorce him because he doesn't want another child - you sure as HELL do not try to have another child.

And re. the "my only child needs a sibling" thing - you do NOT have a child to give your first a sibling. Only children are FINE. I have a younger sister - we have NO real relationship. Nothing in common. Never have, never will. Sure I love her as a sister, but if we lived next to each other we wouldn't hang out. So drop that whole "make a sibling" reason - there are NO guarantees here.

I don't think you are crazy, but I do think you need some counseling. On your own.

Your husband has said he doesn't want another child, yet you are still pushing the issue. How long are you going to keep pushing? Imagine if he were pushing YOU to have a child and you didn't want one? That's just not okay. You need to stop and respect that he doesn't want another child.

Imagine if you decided, unilaterally, to try to conceive, and became pregnant...knowing that he doesn't want another child. Imagine bringing that child into the world, and that child having a father who really didn't want them. Could you do that to your child? If you could...you need therapy.

Marriage is not about winning or getting what you want by wearing the other person down to your position. It is about compromises, great and small. You need to make your peace with this compromise and get on with your life. You are missing what is standing right in front of you, obsessing over a topic which is driving you, your husband and undoubtedly your child crazy.

Couples counseling.

There are huge problems here, specifically in how you communicate with each other and resolve problems.

He wants you to "just get over it" or wait a little while until the feelings go away. He thinks it's crazy to cry?

You seem to feel that the reason people have 2nd children is that it's something they owe to their first child. Yes, everyone has to decide how many children they want and it's not uncommon to feel a family is not "complete" if there is "just" one child. That's kind of insulting to people who have a single child - for many of us, that's complete. I'm not saying it needs to be complete for you. But you also need to face that having a child is for the woman and the man, not just for the child they have.

Having children (or not) is based on a lot more than financial concerns. It's good that you are financially stable, but that's not the only reason.

But you are having "terrible arguments" over this, but haven't involved a professional counselor to help you learn to discuss and share feelings without ridicule, devastating sadness, or anger. You imply that you wanted to, but he refused. So go without him! That needs to be fixed right away, for many reasons, only one of which is the decision to have a child. You've allowed this to go on, and meanwhile your biological clock is ticking.

Please seek competent therapy. Your PCP or OB/GYN can refer you to someone who accepts your insurance.

Sorry, but when one person wants a baby (or another baby) and the other doesn't, the No vote wins by default.
Giving your son a sibling (with whiom he may or may not get along once their persionalities start to interact), is not a reason to have a baby.
IMO, the only good reason to have a baby is that you and the other person who will be raising it BOTH want it, and can afford it.

And has it occurred to you that your husband may jsut not be able to handle the thought of another miscarriage, or of something awful happening to you if the pregnancy goes wrong? He could be hiding fear behind stubbornness.

Or maybe he just really doesn't want another baby, simply because he doesn't want another baby.
Whatever his reasons are, they are his reasons, and it's not right to try to force him into another lap on the parenthood wheel if he's not feeling it.

You are putting all this weight on creating a sibling that your child doesn't need! If one partner doesn't want more kids that's it all done. I agree with some of the other posters that you probably need to go to individual counseling. Also find something that is full filling in your life outside of being a mom.

Also I think anyone has the right to change their mind about family size so just because you all may have agreed on 2 before marriage doesn't mean anyone should be held to that. You never really know until you have kid(s) how many you can really handle or want.

I am very sorry about this.

People tend to say "you can't force someone to have a child if they don't want to" as the righteous course.

But I think it's equally cruel in a case like yours-stable home, two married parents who have been together a long time, financial security, one child already-for one spouse to say "Sorry, you can't have children, you have to have an only child, too bad for you."

It is awful when people don't agree on how many kids to have, period, and I'm sorry this is your situation.

What disturbs me most here, is how hard you have worked to make this doable, how much it means to you, and how mean he is being about it. Sometimes saying no, sometimes leading you on, terrible fights...I don't hear you saying that he is being compassionate and practical in his feelings-but I only have one side here...If he's acting like you're crazy to cry, that's truly cold. Any normal, loving, sympathetic person understands how distressing this would be to a beloved spouse.

Just from what you have written here, he doesn't sound like a very nice person. Sounds like you are the only one compromising in the marriage, but I don't have all the details of course.

Many 40-somehtings divorce at about the 20 year mark. People do grow apart.

I think a counselor would be good for you to scrutinize your relationship thoroughly so you can either split up, or somehow get past the pain of this decision he is making with no regard for you if you decide to stay together. The pros need to outweigh the cons for you to give this man the rest of your life after so much work on your part and such a devastating blow.

Sadly, without serious effort RIGHT NOW, it's probably already getting to be too late since he's still not budging. So you may very well need to learn how cope with this loss rather than continue butting your head against his brick wall.

It sounds like hubby doesn't want any more kids.

You both need to talk AND listen to each other. He is trying to tell you he doesn't want anymore kids and you AREN"T listening. You are telling him you want more kids and HE isn't listening. I hate when the word "crazy" is used to belittle someone's feelings.

You and your husband have a major issue in your marriage. You don't agree on the family size. THAT is big. You both need to talk with a counselor and figure out how to move forward from this. I don't see your husband agreeing to another baby. He doesn't want one. I would say he has told you this and you beg and plead and he gets tired of hearing it and says "I'm not ready", or "maybe in a couple of months". He is saying that because 1. he doesn't want anymore, has told you that but you keep pushing him. 2. he says "maybe" just so you will stop. I would say the roller coaster ride is of your making not his.

You need to soul search and truly ask yourself can you be happy with one child? If you divorced, you would split time and still not have another child. This could be a deal breaker for you but only you can answer that.

I suggest counseling for both of you. You both need to learn how to communicate with each other because I think there are a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. That needs to be addressed.

I'm sorry you are going through this. My husband would have liked more kids. I did not want more than two, which is what we have. I think if we had agreed on two and then one of us said "naw, I don't want anymore" after the first, that would have become a very big issue in our marriage. But I would have been really pissed if he called me crazy. =)

You don't have a child to give a child a sibling anymore than you get another dog so the one you have will have company. You have a child if BOTH partners have a deep deep need to have a child. Your husband obviously does not want a child and you need to deal with it (not trying to be harsh but it sounds like you have had years to come to grips with this). I find it hard to believe this would be a deal breaker for you because your other option (leave DH and have a child on your own) is so risky. Likely you will not succeed in having a child (most women who are 41 when they start trying do not carry a child to term - of course there are exceptions but those are the facts) and you will end up tearing your existing child's world apart. Chances are good you will end up with only 1/2 time with the one child you already have. If you really are having trouble with this, counseling is probably a good thing to consider.

So say you finally wear him down and he finally says, "ok." Do you think he would be resentful of that child and treat the baby any differently than #1 has been treated? I'd have to imagine that if he is saying "no," and has been for years, it is going to stay "no." So you can make your peace with it, or you can resent him for it. If you're a praying person you can pray about it--either for a softening of his heart, or for the healing of yours.

Did you guys discuss what size family you wanted before you got married, before you got pregnant or before you became a stay at home mom?

It sounds like you put so much thought into making sure you were financially stable that I find it hard to believe that the subject of family size didn't come up.

So if you were lead to believe one thing and now he is saying another (or vice versa) then there was some misleading going on and dishonesty. I think this is an important part of the story.

I have wanted a fourth child for four years now. Talked about, thought about it, did name combinations, etc. Husband was on board.

When I called to make an appointment with my OB to discuss an AMA pregnancy (advances maternal age) I paused and thought about my last delivery. It was a scheduled c-section and everything went perfect. But we had a lot of financial stress and family stress and having this c-section scared the s**t out of my husband because the financial and family issues were not going in our favor.

We had very little family support, and if anything would happen to me or child #4, well it would be too much for my husband to deal with and my existing children. I realized they didn't deserve that risk.

I wonder if this is where your husband is coming from?

Also, I have two sisters who did not help with aging parents and instead manipulated and plotted for my parents to change their will. Do you know how many families are estranged because of aging parents and wills that didn't go how the sibs thought......A LOT

So you cannot "script" siblings. Having another child is not going to make your wishes for their sibship come true.

I think your need, your feelings and your wants are valid.

But it also sounds like he has valid reasons that he is not sharing.

I think you guys might need outside help to work thru this because you are so far apart.

I still want the fourth kid...but I have complete faith in my logical decision to not have one. I just believe another one will be sent my way such as a tag along friend of my kids'. Can't tell you how many friends' families I wiggled into to avoid my own. And they were so accepting and loving of me. I just hope it comes full circle :-).

This is such a hard decision, so I hope you really consider the help of an outside party.

I really get what you're saying, and I desperately wanted another baby in my late 30's. My husband did not. I do have two sons though (one from first husband, one from second).

Now that I'm 45, and my kids are 21 and 18 - I look back and realize that my husband was probably right.

Granted, my situation is totally different from yours (sounds like you still have a relatively young child). I just don't know how you get around your husband's objection. It doesn't seem fair to coerce him into something he doesn't want.

Hope you can work through this - I'm sorry. I know how it feels.

It sounds like your husband has trouble saying no, although you mention he has said it and then changes his answer. I suspect he did not back out of the answer because he brought the subject back up, but that you did. He has said no.

My husband has trouble saying no to our daughter. He says, "We'll see" even when he knows that the two of us have discussed the subject and decided against whatever it is. At this point, I call him on it and make him give the correct response. I think men do this because they don't want to deal with the confrontation.

I know you don't like the answer, but I think he already gave it to you. My only other thought here is that you back off and without the pressure he changes his mind.

I just went through the same thing. It's true, you don't have much time left. It sounds like I could have written this post. Together 18 years, 7 year old son. I have been trying to convince my husband to have a child for almost 2 years now. It caused a lot of problems between us and we never really had problems. Have him be around positive experiences...is he currently around people that are negative about their families? I finally got across that I thought it was important to not try to prevent pregnancy since I knew in my heart that there was an (female) angel/spirit telling me it wanted to be born for a long time now. He could see how sad I was for the last 2 years and my husband got on anti-anxiety meds which helped him in all areas. I know how hard it is. Am an now expecting a baby girl and we are both happy about it. Wanting more than 1 child is normal...not sure you need therapy.