Marriage ? (JUST a DISCUSSION NOT an ISSUE)

i think that if ONE of you feels that way then both of you need to adhere to that philosphy because it will cause problems. if neither of you cares? than be friends. my uncle (step) was married and had a daughter. my aunt and him are very close friends with his ex and her new husband. when they visit they make a point to always go out to dinner, etc. i think it depends on the situation. my husband feels so strongly about this that i probably couldn't even have gay male friends :). but like i said i think it's for the individual couples and even if one feels this way both of you should respect that and cut the ties. it will definitely cause problems. i have problems with my husband because of a boyfriend that i had 10 yrs ago. i only dated the guy for about 3mos, but he still brings it up, and gives me hell every once in a while. and i don't talk to this guy and haven't in 10 yrs

If you trust your spouse, then you shouldn't feel the need to restrict their friendships.

One of my dearest friends is my HS sweetheart. We dated for four years and were off-and-on throughout college. When we finally broke-up there was a sense of loss that was really significant. As adults, we realized that we were very compatible as friends and still had common interests. When my husband met Joe, they instantly hit it off and I enjoy his wife very much. We have celebrated graduations, weddings, babies, baptisms and other joyous occassions together and have helped eachother through deaths that crushed our families.

On the other side, my husband had a very serious girlfriend all through college who was killed in a car accident right after they graduated. He is still very close to her family, which was difficult for me for a while... until I met them. They have welcomed me into their family and have celebrated our milestones along with us.

Flirting with someone is different than remaining on contact. Hiding the communciation from your spouse is wrong and implies that there is a possible alterior motive. It's situational, but if your spouse had a real friendship with someone and is faithful in all senses to you, then let it go.

I'm in agreement with both of you. My husband and I have been in contact intermittently
with our exes throughout our marriage . I’ve never had a problem with it and neither has my husband. We’ve never used Facebook so having constant contact doesn’t happen. We both agree that it’s o.k. to still be friends with someone you’ve dated as long as we are completely open and honest about it. Once you start hiding the friendship, then that’s a problem. There would be a reason you’re hiding it….

We're also in total agreement that if we are in contact with an ex, and one of us is not comfortable with it, we end it. It's never happened, but our comfort zone comes first.

You say that any attention you give can be misconstrued so I’m assuming you’re flirtatious? Are you speaking for yourself as in if you kept in contact with an ex, your “attention” would come off as something other than friendship? I’m just wondering if you are coming to that conclusion from past experience…

A man I dated before I met my husband was someone I was actually friends with before we dated. We both realized we were better off being friends. Now he is a good friend to both me and my husband. In fact, the only times I see him for example, is if he comes over to our house to watch football with all the guys or if a big group is getting together for dinner. My husband is the one to invite him. Come to think of it my husband sees him more than I do! LOL

Now on the other hand I wouldn’t spend every weekend with an ex either as someone mentioned below. I would much rather spend my weekends with my family. My husband and kids come first.

Trust is the biggest thing... I am actually friends with two of my pre-marriage boyfriends... (not that I have post-marriage boyfriends, lol)

They both come to our house when we are having get togethers, I go out and hang out with them on occasion, one of them I see just about every weekend as he and I hang out at the same place.

It doesn't bother my husband at all, he knows I love him, and that I gave up being with both of these men to be with him... He WON!

I agree with you - no close friends of the opposite sex. There are 4 divorces going on in my church right now that started from "friends" on Facebook. I think affairs can happen to anyone having marital problems, start complaining about their spouse to their "friend" of the opposite sex, then start thinking that their friend is more understanding than their spouse, then the affair starts. Everyone I know that has had an affair has happened this way - friendship that starts out innocent, and then as soon as there are marital problems, they had a way out with their little friendship. You can't share your heart with members of the opposite sex even if you don't cheat. It is not fair to your spouse.

I just wanted to add that I COMPLETELY disagree with every commenter below me. They all mean well, like everyone else I knew that had an affair started out as normal, decent people. They are playing with fire. You are not a jealous wife. You have to fight for your marriage. You can't try and control your husband, that's true, but don't stand for him doing things that are a threat to your marriage.

I think it depends on that relationship. There are guys I dated in high school or college, or maybe even had a crush on that are facebook friends, my husband too.

There was one girl that obviously had a crush on my husband and would call all the time. He never hid it and while I think it flattered him, he thought that she was just a nice person and saw him as a mentor. I let him know that it bothered me, and while they are still in contact on facebook, he no longer talks to her on the phone. Another of his ex-girlfriends we still send Christmas cards to, and she visited when she moved back to the state. I actually was okay with her and liked her until my husband asked how I was doing, and was it weird since he had previously had sex with this woman I was trying to be friendly with. TOTALLY the wrong thing to say!! I hadn't thought of that aspect of their relationship while she was there. :)

Anyway, there are boundaries and as long as those aren't crossed, and the spouse is comfortable, than I think that is fine. I think that a high school boyfriend is different than a lover from your 20's, but that is just me.

I side with your husband. This is just my personal opinion, so please don't take it the wrong way. I honestly feel that when women say things like this is giving leeway for martial problems, they are basically saying the marriage is in trouble from day one. If you can't have faith and trust in your husband, and believe just because he has a friend, that he used to date or not, it's an automatic problem, then what's the point of being married. For me what you're saying is the same as we're gonna lose the game...but before your even up to bat.
Plus I feel, if your husband is going to cheat on you, he is going to cheat. It doesn't matter if you prevent him from talking to some of the women of his past, he can easily cheat with someone who he presently works with.
I also think about the situations where people have children with their ex-spouse and remain on friendly terms for the kids. Do they have to cut ties with their ex...the mother/father of their children, just because they used to be involved?
I've been cheated on before, a few times actually. I also have 2 people from my past that, on occassion, I communicate with. My boyfriend has 1 or 2 as well. When I look at my boyfriend, who I will eventually end up marrying, I trust him. I have faith in him. I know he is the one for me, above all the rest. He knows how I feel about him, and I know how he feels about me....so in the long run, do I care that his ex-gf texts him every now and then...no. In fact usually we are in the car and I end up texting for him because he's driving. We have no secrets =) Just my personal opinions.

I was not the only woman my husband was friends with before he met me, and he still chose me. I trust him, and he trusts me, and he is the only person I have a coventent relationship with, the only person to whom I promised to be faithful, and joined as one with, so I have no issue at all with him or me having ties to people we used to know, and never did.

It may help that we are more than 25 years out from previous relationships in our lives, but I have found that making him the focus of my life, as my primary relationship, and making his happiness my utmost concern, regardless of what I wanted at the moment, has made all the difference in the world. I am not talking about being a door mat, I am saying that if you make him your focus, he will make you his.

I look back to the premaritial counseling we got thought our church before we married. Our priest told us that we should think about it being our jobs to get the other one to heaven, and that we should love each other the way that God loves us, or strive to show our spouse that same degree of care, because the love we felt for eachother was a glimse of just how much God loved us as individuals. I have really tried to take care of that gift.

So, I guess I agree with your husband. I don't think you need a fence if your dog is not going anywhere, if you know what I mean.

M.

It depends on your husband/wife and level of trust. If you had true friends/relationships in the past that just did not work out but were somewhat productive, I do not see a reason to end them just because you are married. HOwever, you should use wisdom in associating yourself with them. In other words, you do not go to events alone - go with your spouse. You do not email or call without your spouses knowledge. You basically do not go out of your way to form a new found relationship when you already have one. You should limit your interractions but not ignore them if you happen to see them on the street. I have two male friends, one I do not keep current contact with, but if I see them alone/with hubby I am going to hug them and chat as old times. The other one I have does my yard work (thats his business) and it's not a big deal and my husband and his wife discuss computer matters. So bottom line, it boils down to common sense and your level of trust in each other.

My husband's ex-girlfriend did a reading at our wedding. She was a big part of my husband's life and for a long time was his best friend. Their relationship ended because they just weren't meant to be. No hard feelings. She is a wonderful person and I'm glad I have her as a friend. My ex-boyfriend is my best friends brother. I couldn't imagine cutting her family out of my life. I've known them for 25 years. My husband and I both have exs as facebook friends. I trust my husband 100%. For me, the issue isn't him having an ex as a friend or a facebook friend, it would be if he hid it from me. Even not as friends, my husband works with prodominately women, and when I was working I worked with prodominately men. We always talked openly and honestly about our work, we introduced each other to our co-workers. The other posters have it right. Trust and Communication are key to any marriage.

I totally agree with you and am blessed that my husband also feels the same way. The only thing I can tell you is and we totally live by this is...treat me that way you want to be treated. Meaning if you give attention to another female whether it be one that you were "just friends" with or more, would it be okay if I had the same relationship with a male?
I know a Lot of people do not agree however in my book there is no way a man and a woman can be just friends...just think about it...even if your just friends a little flirt at a difficult time is sometimes all someone needs...

If my husband and I avoided all of our exes, we'd have far fewer friends. I can't imagine cutting them out of our lives, nor why I would want to, all of that is in the past! We both dated a LOT, and are too mature to be jealous about something like a friendship with a past lover. That's not to say ALL of our past lovers are still our friends, but many of them are.
When my husband cheated on me, it wasn't with someone from the past, it was with someone right in front of me, very much in the present. His reasons for doing so were complicated and convoluted, we were both at fault for allowing our marriage to crumble the way it had, but it had nothing to do with allowing him to be friends with other women. We learned what we had to from that experience, and I feel confident it will never happen again, but asking him to refrain from being friends with women is ridiculous, and likewise for me with men.
He doesn't like it when I flirt with men, nor do I like it if he flirts with women, but we don't flirt with our friends. We flirt with each other ;)

I believe it is a way to place what is called hedges around your marriage. As you said it may be misinterpreted by the other person or they may take it as an invitation to pursue.
Know of 2 situations. in one, the old girl friend was just saying hi and it ended in that marriage ending and the husband and the old girl friend getting married. The other was when a wife touched base with an old boyfriend via a social network, the friendship became intimate...not physical, but the husband upon finding out felt betrayed and found it hard to trust his wife again...so that relationship also ended.

I once heard a minister on Focus on the Family. He was speaking on this topic of placing hedges around your marriage and he said that when he travels to other states/countries to minister, if the person who is picking him up from the airport is not a man he request that 2 persons pick him up.

Also a close friend of mine, her husband is a minister and if he is in his office working and the door is closed and the secretary needs to go in there, as long as she is in there, the door is left open....just setting hedges to preserve your marriage.

I firmly believe that if someone wants to be with me (and I with them), then they will only be with me, if they choose to be with someone else, they must no longer want to be with me (and they won't be).
Trust in key in all relationships. If you don't trust your partner to be true...why the heck are they your partner?

Personally, I disagree with you. I have a lot of male friends (mostly just facebook friends now) and my husband has female friends. We don't keep secrets from each other and neither of us is interested in anyone except each other. I know that this situation isn't for everyone. My brother, for example, is incapable of having a female friend without sleeping with her. You really just have to find what works for your relationship.

I do agree with the previous poster who pointed out that these things should have been discussed prior to getting married. My husband and I spent a few days "in negotiations" prior to getting engaged to make sure we had the same expectations for the future.

I'm friends with one of my ex-lovers, neither of our spouses is jealous (of course, I'm not sure his knows we were together a couple of times, but that's his marriage's problem, not mine).

The key is openness and honesty. My husband recently became friends with a couple of his exes on facebook, only one of whom he slept with. It's not a big deal to me, he asked before he accepted their friend requests in case I had a problem with it.

Really, the issue here is trust. I trust my husband and he trusts me, we tell each other everything and exes are never an issue.

I feel that if you are married to some1 you should trust them and they trust you. If you live every moment being open and honest about what is happening in general to everyone no misunderstanding can happen. What I mean by this is if everyone with feeling toward any1 all know happy marrage then they know the answer will always be know.

Ex: My ex of 5 yrs and an engagement is now a close friend he flirts and wishes he could have me back I tell my hubby of 8 yrs now everything said and my intentions everytime and we all hang out. My hubby finds it funny.

EX #2: Since signing up on facebook there is an old class mate of mine that we just joke around he is happily married as am I but we have not seen eachother in 15 years so we joke, and there have been times my hubby is sitting right next to me while I am and again he laughs, he know it is in all fun nothing EVER will become of because me and my friends remind eachother all the time MARRIED!!!!!

You can have fun with out breaking vows or trust as long as open and honesty are the priority; howerver, if one of the married persons are getting really hurt by this then that is priority and the joking around MUST STOP!!!!

I do agree with you, to a certain extent.
I think it depends on what kind of relationship you had.
For example, if it was a hot and heavy relationship that ended abruptly NO, NO, NO , NO you should not be friends with that person.Stay as far away from him/her as possible. That's just asking for trouble.
If it was a relationship that was mild and ended with both agreeing it just wouldn't work out sure that's an ok friendship.

You don't have to cut people out of your life. You have to have rules. Our rules are: 1.) If friends of the opposite sex want to hang out with one of us, they get to hang out with both of us. 2.) We are never alone with opposite sex friends. 3.) Phone calls/email/texts from friends of opposite sex are for both of us to read.

It works for us.

I side with your husband, I don't think it really matters, what matters is that you are very clear not only with those who were once interested in you, but those who you meet, you never know. But as long as you are sure about where you stand as a couple, and like your husband said your vows, it can't go wrong. There might always be someone who misinterprets a friendly sign, but you can just set the record straight immediately and avoid issues.
I had a boyfriend that I loved very much, but we didn't last, now he is married and I am married, we still bump into each other from time to time and always take the time for a coffee or even a meal we talk about our families, and our children, and things like that, and its all really friendly. We never invite each other to parties, or get togethers unless we're both invited to the same, and we don't call or text to each other, but sometimes email each other, mostly jokes and chains. My husband knows about it, and he's totally fine with it, because he trusts me and I trust him blindly.

I think the subject was something that should have been discussed and settled prior to marriage and 2princes.

Sounds like you are a little jealous of other women and your husband isn't jealous of other men? Remember jealousy is the "green monster"! If you're feeling uncomfortable about one person, let him know. If he's not giving you any cause for worry...let it go.

Blessings.....

Honstely if you really love each other and have a strong marraige outside influence from anyone shouldn't hurt your marraige. After marrying my husband I have today (9) years now, I kept in touch with my ex and his family. I still am very good friends with his sister in law. My husband today is awesome. When my ex called and said he had to have surgery and needed to get into the VA hospital for surgery, my husband was very helpful in telling him where the VA hospitals were. Then when it came time for his surgery I went to the airport and picked his Mother up and took her to a motel. I took her to the hospital to see him and took her back to the airport when she was ready to go home. We (my husband and I) have run into him and talked with him several times. I also have talked with him on my own. My little brother is best friends with all of his ex's. At the last wedding someone had him and all his ex's and their husbands, boyfriends all sat together at the same table. They get along great. So honestly, if an outsider interferes in your marraige it's because you let them or your marriage isn't as strong as it should be. Jealousy is a very serious issue and can cause great harm. And honestly, I think there is some serious issue if a person needs their husband/wife's attention all the time. A marraige will not last like that.

We decided before we got married to do just that because people do not have respect these days and to cut out dealing with others agendas we both decided that we would cut ties with people we were involved with. Both my husband and I have had to tell then friends but people we had involvement with that we could no longer continue communication. It was hard for me to grasp the idea at first but when i told a then friend whom i was involved with, by his response it was clear he was holding on to somethings(he did respect our stand) and I thanked my husband and God and I am certain that was the right decision for US. We trust each other but we do not have time to deal with others agenda's when we are working, running a business, raising productive respectful children, spending time with each other and our families ect.....it is easier to stay focused on Loving and Living when you eliminate certain potential foolishness before it is even thought of or happens and that still may not stop it but it certainly will limit it.

I have sat back and watched co-workers, family and friends allow a weak moment turn into a bad decision and I am sure that is just a few people.

I can only say for myself. Before my marriage (12 years), one of my friend from school and I dated and we both really really liked and cared for each other. Beacuse of family circumstances, finally we decided mutually, with lot of pain, that we must go seperate ways as we can't get married (18 years ago). While I wrote, I realized how long ago these things happened. Now, my marriage has always had issues because my husband is very insensitive, and hardly spend any time with us (me and three kids) though he does work from home. He is very old-fashioned and believes that I should be doing ALL the house chores and kids related stuff and he should not be bothered with these minor details. So much so, that I had to quit my very decent, six figure salary job few years ago as I could not do justice to job, home, kids .. I do see this man sometimes now, we are still friends, though sometimes we may not see each other or talk to each other for a year or more (we live very far away from each other). I love his wife, she is great and so are his kids. He is wonderful with my kids. There are no other feelings/attachments/connections other than being the best and true friend for each other. When we meet, we just understand each other even if we do not say anything much .. and if needed, we can talk about anything and everything, whenever we meet. Both of us believe that what happened in the past was truly a gift for a short time (it was magical for both of us though there was hardly any intimate physical connection), and it was not meant to be. Now we have to do best for our families and we support and encourage each other -- sometimes explaining the motives, intentions of the spouse (He can more likely understand what and why my husband said or behaved certain way) and I can explain him how most women feel and what they want. Many times, still, when I am in really sad mood and feeling down, I do my chores and bring the happy memories of the past .. to cheer me up. It is a thing of past .. only memories and No -- when I see him, I do not see him as my boy friend, just as my best friend who would understand me and support me no matter what.
So Yes, it is possible to stay friends .. but it does depend on both the people who are involved (and the spouse) whether they understand the gravity of being married or not.

i still talk to some of my "ex's" because i know there's nothing there. yes it does leave door's open for infedelity, but if you guys are strong enough, neither of you will let that in.

it's different for every couple and their comfort levels. some guys i talk to my husband isn't comfortable with, some he is, because he knows he's where my heart is.

i agree with sara, it's all in how much trust there is and if it will be honored

I think both parties should feel secure enough in their marriage that it doesn't matter if past girl/boyfriends are around. You should know that your husband chose YOU over anyone else. He loves you. So, if he runs into a past girlfriend, it doesn't matter. I also think that both parties in a marriage should trust eachother, or they shouldn't be married in the first place. One can't control the other person just by taking away their friends. I am not taking to you specifically, but everyone in general. I was in this situation when we first got married. My husband's old girlfriend wanted still to be friends with him. At first I was upset about it, but then decided that I need to trust him. I actually took the initiative to become friends with her, which made it easier. That's my take :-)

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. I think we have a great marriage and I am friends with almost everyone I dated before meeting my husband. Most of them now know my husband and honestly it is not an issue. If any of these individuals were to flirt or behave inappropriately then I would discontinue the friendship, but most of them are in serious relationships themselves and this is not an issue. There is usually a reason why you care for someone (beyond the physical) and once the romance is gone you can still like all of those other good qualities about the person. Treat your partner like a grown up and unless they have given you a reason not to - give them your trust. I don't like being controlled - nor do I want to control my husband so we get to be friends with whomever we choose. That being said - I guess you have to figure out what works in your marriage. Good luck!

I believe people come and go into our lives for a reason and while relationships can be complicated, some can grow into great friendships. While I understand your point of view I can vouch that a few of my ex-boyfriends are still friends of mine (we don't have time to hang out with them anymore now that we have a child) but still communicate from time to time. Before we got married, my husband had a girlfriend of 10 years.....they still talk from time to time. It depends on how the relationship ended and other factors about the relationship before. Cutting ties with who you were doesn't mean you are safe from marital issues in the future and some people can be very respectful. It's all about trust and honesty. It is wise to avoid situations but at the same time, some of these people we know can be helpful in your future. Blowing things out of proportion may lead to more marital problems than any else.

Ha. I feel like a lot of men feel that way. Luckily, my husband doesn't, although i don't really know if we should count him cause he doesn't actually have any ex's.... I have one and he made it very clear that he didn't want the two of us remaining friendly (i agreed). It seems to me like everyone i know that has remained friendly with ex's has had trouble in their marriage with trust issues etc.... So yes, I agree with you, why add any extra pressure to a marriage? :oD