Major Relationship Issues

bite the bullet and get out. It will only get worse. He won't change and you will grow to hate him and make it miserable for all the children.

Well sometimes it is hard but, maybe you both need some time away from each other . It takes two to get along and keep on keeping on and to do whatever it takes . So maybe some time away would help and then take it from there. Because if you feel like you are alone and not happy . You might as well be alone and maybe be happy. Bless you.

I know it's hard to think of leaving him because you have children WITH him, but you must think of your children. What are you teaching them?! You're teaching them it's okay to suffer and be unhappy because you feel obligated to. There is never a reason to stay in a relationship where you are repeatedly hurt and unhappy. There IS someone in this huge world that would love you and make you happy and love your children as their own! There really is! You just have to understand that and have the courage, not only for you - but for your babies as well, to do what is right and healthy for YOU! You cannot be a good mother to your children if you first are not a happy woman and feel good in your own heart. Men that make their partners hurt and unhappy need serious reality checks and HELP, and it's not up to YOU to provide that help. However, you can be there to support whatever help he decides to get. If he decides against getting help, why would you be the example of what you wouldn't want your children to settle for? Teach them to be strong through your own strength to do what is best! You have to remember that he just a boyfriend. I know he is the father of three of your children, but I have a biological father that is "good for nothin'"...not that he's a horrible person - he just wasn't fit to be a dad - MY dad! My mom got married to the most amazing man who has raised me since I was a year old. I am so grateful my mother had the strength to leave a situation that was not right for me and her! In return, we BOTH got the greatest man to be a part of our lives, my dad! C. - there really is someone who can provide a healthy enviornment for YOU as a woman, a girlfriend/wife, a mother, a friend, a lover - everything! Your children will be able to reap the benefits of a hard decision you have to make, but one that you already know the answer to. Trust me, I know, I'm proof! You have to just find the strength and power that is already deep inside of you! YOU CAN DO IT!

C.....love don't make you stupid. Do you realize that your children are feeling & going through the same things that you do? It's NOT fair to the children OR yourself to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Relationships is about give & take & it sounds like to me you take more than your fair share. You know your situation better than anyone else but you owe it to yourself to find the love & support that you & children need. He may be a better father from a far & you two will be able to remain friends & raise your children. He might just want out & don't know how to tell you, so he's being the way he is hoping that you say the magic words. It's NOT just your life, you have four young men that depend on you & you have to wonder what type of examlpe are you setting for them. Good luck to you & be BLESSED!

Are you sure it is something that you cannot work thru? Do you really want more of your children to not have their father living with them? There is a lot to consider, much more than just your happiness. Is it possibly something that you are doing that is setting him off?

You are living as a married couple, you should get married first of all.. Even if you stay as boyfriend/girlfriend your practices are that of a married couple. Wives can have an amazingly positive effect on their husbands. Be wonderful and sweet to him, over time he will probably change. (it is not a promise, but it is quite probable!)

Just some things to think about :)
J.

Even though you are not married, I assume you are living together...have you thought about marriage counceling? Since you are living like a married couple and have children together, you are having challenges of a married couple. If he is willing you should look into it. It could only help. Good luck and God bless.

You did not mention the issues but from my experience let me say my only regret was staying in the marriage as long as I did, 23 years. He never changed, and you cant change him, you arent God so dont think if you were better at this or that then he would be happy and things would be better, no, dont take on the guilt. I stayed hoping, praying,begging, belittling myself and trying sooo hard to be a better wife. When all along it wasnt me, it was him that had the issues. It negatively impacted me and my children, I ask myself all the time why did I stay and put my kids through that, it cost us so much, we lost years of true happiness we could never recapture, not to mention what the fighting does to the mental and physical health of your home and family. My children were so glad I made the decision to divorce and I walked out on him, left the house, just left with nothing but my pride and determination that the rest of my life would be happy because I would make it that way. Even if you love him,put distance between you now, before its completely destroyed you and your boys.

My heart goes out to your feeling of despair. Just know this: there is a bottomless resevoir of strength in every woman - especially a woman who becomes somebody's mother. If down deep in your gut you know this relationship is not healthy, don't stay because you're afraid of the unknown of life on your own. Instead, as you write the early chapters of the 4 other young men you are raising, be more afraid of missing the example you could be giving them - either in your own strength or in a partnership with someone modeling the qualities you hope to see in your sons someday. In case you don't have a woman in your life who knows you need to hear this, hear it from me: you can do anything!

Hello C.,

Please take inventory of the relationship. Write all the pros, then write the cons. This should give you an idea as to whether it is worth saving. If he is mentally or physically abusive, it is an unhealthy relationship. My prayers go out to God for you.

J.

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Hi C.,
My name is B. and I am a mother of two. I guess it would depend on what your issues are, but I can give you a brief bio of what I went through and where I am at now. I came from a very dysFUNCtional family. A family of alcoholics and marital problems to the extent that my mother and my aunts have been single for many many years. Due to this,my mom swears, that is why I chose a man, which is the father of my two children, who always kept me down, made me feel worthless and carries a degree in manipulation. I was with him for 11 long years. I stuck it out because I felt it was so important to keep your family together. I wanted to change history and make it work.
It took that one special person (A GOD SENT) to come in to my life and open up my eyes. She helped see that there is a better life out there, and someone who will treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I beleive GOD sent her to me to show me a different way and to encourage me. She was our neighbor for one year and had to move again because her husband is in the service. We still stay in contact.
I must say leaving him was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It was not an easy task. I cried all the way out the door, with him begging and pleading.
It has been a long hard road, but one that brought me to a man that treats the way I have only dreamed of. I never beleive this kind of love could exist but I am here to tell you that it does.
By no means, am I telling you to leave him. I do not know your situation.
All I am saying is to pray about it and there is a really good weekend retreat, that maybe the both of you could attend. I learned a lot there, from the speakers and the books. It was called a Weekend To remember. If you are interested, their web site is www.familylife.com.
I hope you do not take offense to any of what I said, but I do beleive if you are in a bad situation GOD will see you through. That is if you are a beleiver.
I hope that everything works out for you and always remember that you are worthwhile. Good Luck and GOD BLESS

Hey C.,

I feel for you having problems when you really need someone that will help you and love you. I am a mother to twins myself but am fortunate enough to have someone who helps. If you are truly unhappy, you need to end it before it gets worse. Sit down and talk to him and see if he would be willing to move instead you having to up and move with 4 children. I know it can be hard to do but it will be worth it in the end. The children are small enough now that him leaving should not affect them as much. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

K.

If your heart and head is telling you that you should leave then you should listen to yourself. Think about what the kids are learning about relationships by watching this bad situation.

My husband and I also went to a Weekend to Remember and it was great! We have had issues on and off throughout our 19 years of marriage. We do much better than we did in the beginning. Why did it last so far -- because I am stubborn. Why is it better - because my husband has finally made the decision to work with me.

Hi C.,

Well it's kind of hard to give advice when you don't know what the issues are. I do know the stresses of having 4 children, I do myself. In some ways I also know what it feels like to have an uncooperative, husband in my case. But the easiest thing to do is walk away. But then you will do it all on your own which is what you probably do now. The best thing you can do is communicate with him about what you are feeling, let him know where you are needing help whether it be with the kids, household chores or what have you. I'm mot trying to make excuses for him but he may be overwelmed with having 4 kids, not knowing how to help or what role to play. Like I said it's hard to give a concrete answer on what to do and which road to take. I can tell you this I have been with my husband for 17 years, 18 in June. And it always hasn't been peachy, people change, roles change, finances change and everything else that goes on with life. But if you don't have communication in your relationship (no matter who it is) they will always fail. Not only that but if you don't have effective communication.
The other part is if you are wanting him to do something, help with something, take the leadership in something, you are going to have to say it. Men need clear cut answers with a map drawn from A - Z on what is needed. Some of it has to do with they don't have any confidence in themselves to help or know where to help.
Here is an example, I'm a home child care provider, I watch 4 kids and I have 4 kids of my own. My 7 yr old needs to do his spelling words every morning. My husband thought it would be better to do a load of laundry every morning rather than do my sons spelling words. He said he thought that would help on how much laundry we have to do on the weekends, I told him that was fine but that doesn't effectively help me in the mornings. It would be better for him to do spelling words with our son. And we would save laundry for the weekends when we have the time to stay on it and keep doing it.

I don't know if anything that I have said has helped any, but maybe it has, W.

Sounds like you already know what you need to do. Have you thought about counseling? Would he be willing?
It isn't healthy to be unhappy all the time and nor is it right for your boys to see it. You don't want them to think that is a normal relationship or how they should treat a woman. Just my own thoughts...

C., you know what insanity is---doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. You didn't say what the relationship issues are, but the fact that you said that you are repeatedly hurt and unhappy are of major concern for me. Life is too short to stay in a situation where you are not being treated as the great woman that you are. Those four darling little boys deserve to have a mom who is healthy and happy. I don't know what your financial situation is or your ability to leave and you might not be able to leave today. However, I know that you will feel better if you at least make a plan (and put it in a safe place...your feminine hygiene box if necessary)and start working toward accomplishing that plan. If that means going to school, getting a job, getting a better job, or whatever, just start working your plan. If it sounds like this is the voice of experience, it is! It is scary to think about leaving I know, but what's even scarier is to think about spending another valuable minute of your life unhappy. Pray and ask God to give you a strategy to get out if that's what you should do. Just because you leave doesn't mean it's forever. It's always good to have options and sometimes when the other person sees that you're not willing to put up with their antics anymore, that is the catalyst for change for them. Blessings!

Your first concern should be your children, a bad relationship hurt them as much as you and there are many men out there that are special and caring.You did not say what kind of problems you are having but it sounds like he has been unfaithful if so he will not change get rid of him and find a man worthy of you.It may take a while but will be worth it in the long run.There are men out there that will treat you like a queen and you deserve it remember that, you deserve to be happy.

If you are hurt and unhappy then so are your children. For god's sake girl...you deserve better than that. End it and move on.

Well, not knowing the problems you are facing, I would always suggest trying to be open and honest with each other. Try to work out the relationship in such a way that benefits the two of you and the children. But, your children are very important also, if the relationship is a danger to them mentally, physically or emotionally, then you must remove them and yourself from the situation. You may try weighing the reasons to leave and the reasons to stay, seeing them wrote out might help you see what is the best thing for you to do. Keep in mind that "knowing" someone and "loving" someone are two different things. Don't confuse being in love, with being in love with the idea of being with a man you are "comfortable" with. Good luck!

C.-
Do you feel like their is just to much on your plate at times, and your nerves are on end with eachother due to that? You both are raising a family together, that in itself is hard. Why, just because things are bad right now would you want to end the relationship. Unless, he is abusive. Which you did not disclose, so I'm just going with the thought that he is. Maybe you should try some counseling. My husband and I went to counseling, and beleive me I thought as well as him that it wasn't for me. We ended up finding a married couple to counsel us, we both liked them a lot. The husband said a lot of things to my husband that I was afraid to say, because I new it would get turned around and get misconstrued into something else. I know things can get hard in a marriage or relationship, but my advice is you both have a family try and work things out. Especially if your fights are pety. Life is distracting find the reasons why you love him and don't dwell on the things he does that drives you crazy. My prayers go out to you. I really hope things work out for you.

I have been married a little over a year.... and have two children with this man...

He HAS BEEN abusive, and hurtful... when we are good we are great... but when we are bad... we have had the cops out here so many times for domestic violence...

MY ADVICE IS TO PRAY!!!! BECAUSE TRUST ME GOD WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!! It's crazy... whenever he threatens me with divorce, and we are actually on the vurge of splitting up, I just go with it and trust in God that if he doesn't want me anymore, God will take care of me..... and what happens??? He ALWAYS takes care of me....

Just an example... the times my husband has actually left me or hurt or ANYTHING, one time God sent me a man into the picture who told me in front of my husband that he would take care of me the rest of my life and that my husband was making a huge mistake....... I told this guy sorry but I AM still married and I am a faithful wife.... so what happened? My husband got his eyes woke up and realized what he was doing and changed....... things are always going to get bad again because he doesn't believe in God, but because I do, I know that no matter what I will always be taken care of.

Kick your boyfriend to the curb! The sooner, the better. You will ask yourself why you didn't do it sooner. You are aware of the age old question...Am I better with him or without him?

What you need is someone you can trust, love, respect and he will be a big help to you, not only your best friend. Start looking for him.