Major Issues

Hi C.,
I'd just have the birthday party at McDonalds where they have a playplace, then everyone can be on neutral ground. It's very kid friendly and while there you can tell your families to grow up! You shouldn't have to be stressed out over a 2 year old's birthday party, that's crazy. You and your husband have enough to deal with, without the amily "drama". In the end, it's your immediate family that's important...that's you, your husband, and your children. Obviously the other people don't take your feelings into consideration, so don't lose sleep over them. If you tell them how badly they are acting and how sad it makes you, then the ball is in their court. If they don't change their behavior, or if they try to "blame" someone else, then you'll know what kind of people you're dealing with. Take care. Best of luck with the new baby!

I am sure the issues with your sister-in-law are not pleasant but I would recommend to take the high road with your head held high. If you don't the family issues will affect your children's relationship with your husbands side of the family. Plus it is possible that your husband may begin to feel that he has to pick between his children/wife over his side of the family and that never ends well. I might suggest telling your mother in law or have your husband do it which would be better since it is his parents, that you are sorry that you feel that way about your son's other grandmother but that the issue is between the two of you and I would hope that you will not allow that affect your relationship with your grandchildren. Tell her she will always be welcomed in your home but that you are sorry that you will not have 2 parties for your children because the grandparents can't get along. Don't make it a big issue and try not to be emotional about it. Its her problem, don't let it become yours. And let your husband deal with it. It will show that his is supporting his wife and children. Good luck. And congratulations on the baby, I am also due with my second child this January.

Your husband's parents are jerks to the highest degree. Of course, you already know this, but I figure it will make you feel better to know that outsiders recognize this, too!

I'll would call their bluff. Have the party at your house. If your in-laws actually miss it this time, I'll bet they don't miss the next one. It's their loss, and they will feel it.

It would be great if your husband could tell them, "Gosh, we'll really miss you. We'll tell [name of son] you are thinking about him," but it sounds like your husband has a lot on his plate, and if he doesn't get along with his parents anyway, talking to them will be up to you.

Keep attending functions even if the nasty sister is there. You don't want to miss out on things just because of her. I know maybe these aren't really great gatherings, but your husband probably feels obligated to be there, so it's good to support him. If she's like your in-laws, maybe SHE will start staying away!

Sorry you are having such problems with your in-laws - I can sympathise! In laws are very VERY hard to deal with sometimes - but since they aren't your parents, you can't really do or say anything to them - that's your husband's job. And seeing what your husband has been and is going through, it probably won't happen anytime soon. If I were you, I wouldn't say anything to them, because it's just going to cause more problems and you'll end up being the bad guy. If there's going to be anything said, your husband needs to be the one that does it. And if your in-laws don't want to come to the birthday party, offer to have a mini-party with them at their house or at Chucky Cheese's or something? My family has to do that a lot - just to please all sides! And your sister-in-law is probably nasty to you because she's jealous - that seems to be the root of all those behaviors - so I wouldn't lose anymore sleep about her toxic behavior. Just bite your lip and be just as sweet to her as she is nasty to you - other people will notice and the situation will take care of itself.

C., I had a simlar experience with my sister in-law and her husband. My M&F inlaw are great so that I have not experienced.

My advice on the sister inlaw is to stand your ground. Why put yourself in a situation that you are uncomfortable. Also your emotions reflect on your little boy.

Let your husband take your son to the family functions and do not worry about it. What a wonderful way to get a little bit of quiet time before you have your 2nd child.

Best of luck with this. I know after I put my foot down and said "I am not going" things got better.

Hi C.,
I was SO relating to your story and then I read your blog about you. My husband has been a highway patrolman for 23 years!! He also was in the national guard and spent a year in the first gulf war! Wow! I'm older than you are (45) but, I went through so much stress with my husbands family when my kids were little. My mother-in-law was raising all the other grand children and my sister-in-law was awful. Now a days I just don't go around them much. I do see my mother-in-law quite a bit, just not the other sisters. Sad how things play out. It seems so unfair when you just want to have a simple birthday party and have everyone there for your son and they have to act like the 2-year-old. Now I am dealing with it with my daughter-in-laws family. They are very dysfunctional. I thought it would be a good idea to be friends with her mom--NOT!! Now I already opened that door and I have to go back and close it. So hard.

I guess any wisdom I'd give you would be to have your party with your mom. Tell your in laws that you would like to get together with them for dinner so they can celebrate your son's birthday by themselves. You don't have to make everyone happy. I know that's hard when you are a kind hearted person. You have to take care of yourself right now and extra stress while pregnant is not good. I also had a 2-year-old son when I was pregnant with my daughter. Stress is high when you are pregnant. I feel for you. If you make the decision and still feel guilty then I'd encourage you to seek out a support group that could help you with setting boundaries. It is so hard to do. I have felt responsible for everyones feelings my whole life and I am just now learning how to let go of that. Email me anytime.
L.
____@____.com

Please don't stress yourself out the baby you are caring is more important then all that childish behavior. I would just put your foot down & say this is my house, my son if you want to be here for him because you LOVE HIM then be here if you want to be childish & not an adult don't come. If the subject comes up feel free to tell them about there daughter it might actually release some of your tension but I wouldn't just offer the info..I kinda have the smae problem I HATE yes I said hate & I teach my kids not to hate anyone but my sister in law is 30? still lives at home & gets babied all the time she uses the excuse that she has to take medicine to control her moods (get a life) she fights constantly with my 2 girls 10/14 over ther grandma(her mom) because she feels grandma spends to much time with them.. anyway no body on my side of the family gets along with one another so after last years Easter fall out I refuswed to have any family functions at my house except my kids b-days but EVERYONE (even parents) that if they couldn't be an adult long enought to be around my kids don't come.. Deep Breath's & focus on your primary family (husband, boy & new baby coming) good luck

HI C.-
I'm sorry they are acting childish and putting stress on you- that's the LAST thing you need!
Continue to take the high road.... kindness in the end will show them your true character.
BUT.... don't even entertain the idea of letting them walk all over you and give in to their childish demands (that's not kindness... that's ridiculous!)
I would advise you to continue with your plans- this is NOT about them, it's about your son and HIS special day. Tell everyone you hope they can make it, and if they can't, you will certainly miss them, and hope they can drop in to wish your son a happy birthday some other time.
My simple explanation to my children when family members don't make them a priority is this: "I'm sorry they couldn't come this time, honey. I know they love you, but it just didn't work out this time."
I hope this helps- you have your plate full with your little ones and taking care of your hubby... let that be enough.
God bless you.

How does your hubby feel about the situation? Does he support your side or his family? This is important because being at odds with your in-laws often leads to being at odds with your husband. If he agrees with you, then ask HIM to speak to his parents, sometimes it's less confrontational if it comes from someone they love. If he disagrees with your point of view, then it may be worth it to try to have the party at a more neutral location. I realize this is inconvenient, so if having it at your Mom's is the only option, maybe consider allowing them to celebrate with your son at their house a day before or after the party. I think it's important to be careful of how this will all make your son feel.

As for your sister-in-law, since I don't know what it is that she did, I really can't say whether or not to tell her parents. I don't know her age either, and that may be a factor. In either case, I don't think you need to subject yourself to her "nastiness" and although taking the high road is often the right thing to do, sometimes you just have to put your foot down. It's funny because people who create conflict don't usually know how to respond when it's redirected at them. So, simply put, tell her to play nice or she is no longer welcome in your home, and you won't spend time where she is. I can't help but go back to where your husband is in this situation. He more than likely feels stuck in the middle and is also ready for a resolution. Good luck.

Life is too short to fret about family issues, but, of course, they arise. I know all too well!

I say, be the better person and go to their events anyway! Kill them with kindness, but don't be fake. Extend an invitation to your in-laws to go to a restaurant for a separate birthday gathering for your son or ask to come over to their house for a little get together.

You have to remember that you can't make everyone happy and your main job should be to take care of your children and your husband. They are being very childish, but that is out of your control.

YOUR RESPONSE IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!

I can imagine how stressful this must be for you, but try to keep your head up. Have the party you planned, and graciously invite everyone. Tell those who choose not to attend that they will be missed, and leave it at that. Perhaps once they see that you will not capitulate to their demands, and that they will miss their grandchild's birthday, they will rethink their position. As far as your sister-in-law, try to continue to take the high road. As the years go by, you will be setting a good example for your children. Glad your husband returned to you safely. Thank all of you for your service to our country.
Good luck.

C., I have been married for 13 years with 3 kids. I have always had these issue. Well, when my second child turned 2, I decided to get a back bone. I sent out the invite for an awesome party at mine home. I put an rsvp on it and if they chose not to come than too bad!

I was from then on going to have one and one party only for my little ones. It was not my expense to entertain at different time because my in laws have attitude problems. If they will forgo one of their own grand childs events because of their own issues that sais alot about who "they" are.

Some of mine have missed out and have sent cards in the mail, when they live 5 minutes away. I feel sorry for them because when kids get older they catch on.

So please stop trying to make every one else happy and focus and your little ones birthday. Otherwise, every kid you have, will have a stressful birthday and that is not what being a family is about. I am reffering to you, your husband and your child/children.

It is hard, butit really does send the message, with out you having to be verbally confrontational. So, they can "take it or leave it".

Good Luck:)
K.

P.s The older my kids get, they are 9,5,3, I have learned we just have to focus on what works best for us and them. If any body else can come - great! We will have a great time planned for them.

You have a right to have the party at the home in which your son resides. If your inlaws have a problem with that, then it is THEIR problem. Eventually, I think you need to address the situation. Let them know that you would like a good relationship with them and it hurts you when people are not getting along. Try to stick to the agenda of solving the problem rather than accusations. Maybe set up rules when everyone meets, "No accusations or critisizing" rather what can I do to make you feel more comfortable. I am glad that your husband is finally home!!!

Hi Cassie,

You've got some good advice already but I wanted to add my two cents. Everyone at some point in their lives, no matter how wonderful the families are, has had to deal with some sort of issues.

When people don't know each other well or know each other’s personalities that well and are not family, things can easily be misunderstood or misinterpreted. I, myself have been misunderstood or misinterpreted before, so I know it happens to decent people.

I have an agreement between my sister-in-laws and mother-in-law that we talk about what ever it was that bothered us then move on. It has done wonders for the family. It wasn’t always like that though. I was once in your position, that is why I am giving you this advice.

I do believe in taking the high road. Do not let anyone make you less than your best. Do not let anyone make you angry enough to act, say or do nasty things. Stay in control, it shows better character. However, addressing issues doesn't mean you are not taking the "high road". Taking the "high road" is not acting a fool. You can still address issues and not be a fool. Be assertive, which is open, honest and direct. Do not name call, accuse, blame, etc.. just stick to the facts. And keep in mind there are ALWAYS two sides to every story, everyone has their own truth. Just as strong as you feel about your version, the other person feels just as strong about theirs.

With that being said, I think that you should try and resolve the issue between your mom and in-laws as well as the issue between you and your sister-in-law. Sweeping things under the rug doesn't always help the situation and only works for so long. Family gatherings are uncomfortable and fake, and after a while just not worth it (been there, done that). For those willing to resolve issues and move on, great. For those not willing to or not willing to change their behavior, that is their choice and they will just miss out on spending time with you and your wonderful children. Do not make special arrangements for those who are not willing to take a look at themselves and work at being a better person.

An example of how to address issues and stay on track:
"when you did this (explain issue), it made (person's name) feel this way (state feelings)."

Then I would suggest to the parties involved to be more aware and/or avoid that type of behavior in the future so there are no misunderstandings where someone ends up with hurt feelings or offended."

I have a simple decree that helps me be a better person all around. Be polite, be kind. The world would be a much easier place to live in if people just followed that rule. We often forget how following that simple act can prevent so many issues, fights, misunderstandings, etc. Just be KIND and POLITE! Don't take jabs at people. Don't try and look for something to pick on. Don't talk about people as soon as they leave the room. Try and only say positive things instead of finding every little negative thing about someone. You will find yourself feeling happier, better, like you yourself ARE a kind, polite person.

I say this because people are so eager to jump and attack each other. It's almost like they want to be angry or have something or someone to be mad at. Why are we always trying to upset ourselves? Are we all so stressed we are trying to use these little things as a way to vent?
I come from a VERY negative family. My family acts like everyone is out to get them. My family wants to raise hell when they think anyone disrespected them, etc. My family won't even take the time to find out all the facts or hear the other person’s side of the story; they just get all angry. It's very embarrassing and ridiculous.

Life is too short and too precious. I am sure you are very aware of that with the type of work your husband is in. You would think his family would want to get along considering how fortunate he was to come home safe. Oh, how often people take things for granted.

I thank your husband for his brave efforts and I thank all of the families, both his and yours for the sacrifices you make by supporting him in honoring his country and keeping this nation a safe place for me and my children to live. May God bless you and your whole family. I truly wish you peace and happiness.

Hi, I would continue to go to family functions and not make a big deal over your sister-in-law, it is your husbands sister and that will never change. As for your Mother-in-law missing your childs birthday...let her...she will regret sooner or later...she also has to understand that your mother is apart of your and your childs life, you are not going to cater to her because she can't be civil to your mother for 2 hours!! Good luck, in-laws are tricky :)