I just found out this morning that my brother's father-in-law passed away. He had congestive heart failure and severe rheumatoid arthritis and was not able to walk well. He has had some close calls recently but has always pulled through. If we went to my brother's house or some family function he was always there so we saw him all the time and my son new him well. So, my question is how to explain this to him. I'm sure some of you have gone through similar situations, so how have you handled this? He is somewhat familiar with death in that a pet had passed away a few months ago,(my brothers dog). We are Catholic and so we explained to him that the dog's soul went to heaven. He asked a few questions, we answered the best we could and that was the end of it. He never really asked about it again. I think I know how I want to handle it, I just want any input that someone might have in case there is something that I'm not thinking of. Thank you in advance.
I just wanted to thank everyone who responded, especially those who shared your own personal stories. I very much appreciate everyone's honesty and sincerity. I did explain to him what happened, in a way that was appropriate for him and while he understands what I said, I don't think he will fully for a while. When we got to the funeral home he exclaimed about how happy his Aunt will be because her Daddy is there. We drove past a cemetary today and he said, "Hey, we were there yesterday!". So, he knows what happened, but not completely, which I understand. I will just keep on answering any questions he may have and maybe check out some books from the library on the subject. I just want everyone to know that by responding to my question, you did help in one way or another, so thank you.
It sounds like you will do fine. I always try to give age-appropriate responses and also to avoid giving too much information. They stop asking questions when they are satisfied with the answers provided. Also, we find comfort in the religious aspect as well.
Amy
We lost our 16 yr old son 3 years ago, at the time my daughter was 5 yrs old. We told her the truth that he died in a car accident and we won't be able to see him because there was a fire. We talked about heaven and other people that he now sees there and we talk about him all the time. He's still a big part of our lives. Now he is someone that we can pray to and he is happy were he is because he is healthy, strong, and doesn't have to go to school. He also watches over us all the time. The Doctors have told us that even though she has taken this well so far that it can "hit" her at any time, even years down the road when she is more grown up. They say just to keep an eye on her and let her teachers know about this each year so that if they notice anything they can call us. We've also let her know that it is OK to be sad or not to be sad and it is OK to cry or not to cry and that ANY time she wants to talk about it or to be left alone about it we will do that. I hope this helps a bit. Our daughter obviously went to the wake and funeral and had and has been to others. We never force her to go up to any casket, that is always her choice. You will know how to talk with your son, just follow his lead. God bless you and your family.
Denise,
when my kids were 3, our cat died. We got the book "Cat Heaven" and it was a great way for them to understand death and the permanence of death. Since then, they sometimes talk about death and dying, but in a very healthy way, I think. Not that a pet's death is in any way similar to a person's, but it was a really good way of the bigger picture on a smaller scale. In fact, I liked the book so much, I went back and bought "Dog Heaven" --- and we don't even have a dog, yet.
I'm sorry about your family's loss.
Good luck,
C.
We had my husbands grandfather pass away and we did take the kids (4, 5 and 6 months) to the funeral. It was out of town. He saw grandpa in the casket adn we explained his heart stopped working. He handled it very well. I am not sure if they quite get it at this age really. He knows grandpa is in heaven and since he has a religous upbringing understands that a little. I am sure your little one will too. We also had a friend of theirs pass away this summer from cancer and did explain that and had a balloon ceremony but he did not attend any services. He kept asking at grandpas funeral if his friend Jack was downstairs. The hardest part I have found are the questions later and if something happens explaining that you don't always die when your heart starts to go bad. My mom had to go to the dr for heart problems and now he asks if grandma will die. And I do get questions like are you going to die mom and things like that. They do seem to handle it very well though.
One funny thing I will share is the boys have started playing "grandpa Bob" and they lay in the laundry basket... Odd I know but what in the world do you say to that?!
I hope this helps Best Wishes to your family.
Hi!
Your son is pretty young so I would just go along with the way you explained the dog and heaven. If he has questions I am sure he'll ask. Now is a great time to take him to a wake. As a child I went to many wakes of people in the extended family. I think this helped me deal better when it was someone I was close to. I had friends whose parents never took them to a wake when they were young and they had a much harder time when they were older. Just a thought!
As many have said, I would ask him if he has any questions about what happened. Fortunately you can explain that sometimes when we get old our body just doesn't work anymore. Also, with the faith that you have you can lean heavily on that and explain that you do not have all the answers and sometimes we just have to believe what we believe (ie have faith).
My son had just turned 5 when my Grandmother passed. He saw her often and understood that she was sick in the hospital, and visited often. Don't be surprised if he doesn't have a lot of questions, and doesn't seem too affected by it. I think kids have an easier way to deal with things because they don't have all the thoughts we have as adults. We told a lot of stories about Gram Gram and let him attend the wake and touch her. We also have a picture of her that he refers to when he talks about her.
Good luck, & God Bless you and your family at this difficult time,
J.
SAHM of 1 1/2 year old and 6 year old boys
Just be honest. Don't use any terms that could be confusing to a child. (ie: passed on, the big sleep etc...) Tell him that when someone dies their heart stops beating, they can't breathe, walk, talk move etc... It is important to talk about the physicallity of death as well as the spirituality.
If your child is going to the vistation or funeral prepare them for what is going to happen, what they will see and how other people might be acting. Don't forget to tell him that his body will be there. Many kids have thought that the funeral home was heaven b/c they were told that the loved one was in heaven and then they walk through the door and there he is!
Those are the important things I can think of off the top of my head. I majored in Child Development and wrote a paper on how to help children deal with death, so let me know if you have any more questions.
hello denise, i like the book "when dinosaurs die" for little ones about that age. it has been suggested by people i work with who work with children dealing with death and loss. good luck.
My husbands parents both passed away in the last two years. My son was 2 when his grandpa died and 4 when his grandma died. I explained to him that they were older and sick. He went to both wakes and funerals. Beforehand, I told him what a funeral was and what was going to happen. He accepted what I said and was fine. He does ask questions about dying every now and then. He has heard us talking about other people that have died and I think he realizes that is is a part of life.
He has asked if we will die, and if he will die. I have been truthful with him and we have talked about God and Heaven. They are so smart at 4 years old.
Just answer any ?'s he may have. Try not to make the subject seem taboo.
Good luck.
Denise,
I am sorry to hear about your brother's father-in-law. I know this can be a very diffcult time. My mother recently past away from heart problems. She was 65 years old. She had lived with us for the last three years. I am a home daycare provider, so the children I watch also were affected. For some of them it was their first loved one to past away. She was like a grandmother to them. All the children came to the wake except one. And the one who did not come to the wake had the hardest time. She would not leave my side. She would often talk about how Grandma was in heaven and draw her pictures. We talked alot about how Grandma was an angel now watching over her and it seemed to help. I also checked out books from the library. There's many good books. You can also go to Mister Rogers web site. It has many good pamplets and books on anything from death to divorce. My education is Early Childcare and I have always been taught to be honest. Children have great imaginations, so if you do not answer their qustions they will come up with their own answers. If your child is in preschool it is important to let the teacher know.
I remember when my own children were young my daughter would not let me out of her sight after she had gone to her Great aunt's wake. But it helped prepare her for other times in her life. She had a close friend past away suddenly at a young age. I could not imagine how she would have been if that was her first experince with someone she loved passing away. Also, remember that he can be fine now, but later react.
