Living Together

I wouldn't do it either . . . I can't imagine being a teenage girl and having a man who was not my father move into my house.

Knowing what I know now (and I've made some mistakes) I would wait until my kids were grown.

I would not have him move in, kids come first in this department, especially since so little time has passed. Is he incapable of providing for his own needs and thus has to move in with you?

Hi M.,
I am not trying to be harsh here, I really mean it. But you were posting about your husband of 13 years as of Aug. 2010, so I am guessing that the divorce really wasn't too long ago -- and that also means that you haven't been dating this man for long, too. I don't blame your children for not wanting a boyfriend to move in with you. If I were a child I would not be on board with that, either. I'd give it time. What's the rush? Best of luck to you and again, not trying to be prickly, just thinking about how this would feel as a child still smarting from a fairly recent divorce.

You are setting the example for your daughter and son, especially your daughter. If you don't want her sleeping around, then wait for him to marry you, then have him move in.

Marriage means long term committment, not one night stand committment.

Like was said in an earlier post, your daughter isn't ready for you to have someone move in. You should be committed to your kids first and meet their emotional needs.

Good luck to you and yours.

I urge you to deal with your daughter's feelings before you have him move in. This is your daughter's home too and she needs to be on board for everyone's best welfare. I suggest that you and your daughter gets some counseling so that you can help her with her feelings.

Or, it might help to read the book, How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazliesh. Then spend time listening and responding to her feelings. By responding, I mean to accept her feelings without trying to talk her out of them. When she's able to work thru the feelings she will be ready to accept a new man in your life.

This is her home and her life. She deserves to have her feelings respectfully accepted. If they aren't you are setting yourself up for teen rebellion and an unhappy home. I'm sure that is not what you want.

In August 2010 you posted about your then husband and inappropriate sites on his computer, so I can only assume that you have been divorced for, at most, a year. Going with that time line you have only been dating this new guy for, at most, a year.

You have children who have been through a lot in the past year, a divorce, adjusting to a single parent home, adjusting to your dating, etc., and more.

Yet, on the heels of all this you want to move a man into the home with them even though you know that your daughter will not be okay with it. Then why do it. Why is now "the time" for this man to move in with you?

Continue to date, let your children adjust to him and their changed familial situation for a while longer, and focus on your children's feelings in this situation.

Just sayin'

put your kids first....they deserve it.

Keep the door shut until you're married....or at least close to a wedding.

I think your daughter needs to be your priority. And I don't think living together is the thing to do, especially with children in the mix. Living together has no commitment; what if your children get attached and then he decides to leave? I know he could also do that if you were married, but it just seems like if you were married you might try harder to make it work before leaving. I was a single mom for 15 years; there were certain men that I dated that my daughter just didn't like. I broke it off with many for just that reason - she was the priority. (And I never moved any of them into the home.) Finally, I wouldn't think living together would be the example you would want to set for your children. I think you should think twice about this

I don't think it's a good idea either, sorry:( Unless you are engaged I wouldn't even consider it. Statistics show that those who move in together before marriage have an 80% chance of divorce. Those aren't good odds since you've already been through one divorce, don't risk putting your kids through another. Take care:)

If your daughter does not like the idea of you dating, this is NOT the time for him to move in! I can relate to this situation. My mother moved in with her boyfriend when I was in highschool and married him soon after. I was not ready for the adjustment and grew to resent her for choosing a man over my younger brother and I. That was over ten years ago and the marriage only lasted a few years. My mom regrets ever putting a man before her children. Please put your children first and take their feelings into consideration before you make a decision. Good luck!

Hard to answer with so few details.
How long is "a while?"
How long have you been divorced?
How is your relationship with your kids, especially your daughter?
Why is it "time" to move in together?
I am NOT a prude, but I always give cautious advice when it comes to moms and dating, so many potential problems, sometimes life altering ones (yes I know from experience.)
I personally would not move a man into my home unless he was to become a part of my family, and yes, to me that means marriage. Not some day, but NOW.
Like I said, I am not a prude, but on this issue I am old fashioned.
If he's an awesome guy by all means keep dating him, have some fun! But I wouldn't upset my family life over it, it's not worth it :(

I think the kids come first, make sure they are happy after the divorce, that is hard enough on them. Keep dating and if he is ready to marry you, then he can move in. What's the hurry?

I don't think this has anything to do with living together or getting married. It has to do with respecting your child. Yes it is your life, but your child is part of your life and I think she deserves better than what you are giving her here.

Why is it so important for him to move in with you? Can't she have you to herself for just a while longer? She is entering into some really difficult years and it's hard enough that she already has to divide her time between you and dad, now you are throwing another man into the mix?

Don't get me wrong- it's wonderful that you have found someone and I really hope it goes well for you - but your kiddo comes first. Always. Hold off on this for a while...

would you want your kids to move in with their boyfriend or girlfriend? They have already been through something pretty awful with the divorce. Do not add another guy into your home. Espically one that your daughter doesn't like. She needs to feel safe and secure in her own home. At least get married first so it's a permanent thing

Well, it CAN work, it's working for me. So it would be hypocritical of me to jump on the band wagon and say DON'T DO IT.

But my situation is likely very different from yours. And yeah, statistically speaking, it's a bad idea.

I will say if any of my kids were against the suggestion, it never would've happened.

:)

Frankly, I think that you should wait.
I don't think you have to wait until your daughter moves out to date or live with someone, but in a situation like this, if you do not take her feelings into consideration, you may end up with a disaster that may ultimately spell the end of your relationship with both your daughter and your new boyfriend.

Think about it, how would you feel if it was the other way around? If you moved into this man's house and his teenager would hate you being there? Make comments about how it is wrong of you to live there, maybe even cause a bunch of trouble, get into trouble herself (for the attention) or even just greeted you with a disapproving look every morning? Not a pleasant living situation from where I am standing.

If she is not ready, consider waiting. If he's the real deal he will be alright with it. If you feel you need to speed it up, consider family counseling, which may help her deal with her feelings about your divorce and you dating.
But don't force it - it would not end well.
Good look.

Teenage daughter vs New Boyfriend = Recipe for disaster

You are suppose to be teaching your daughter self control & self respect, but your actions are showing her differently. If your daughter wasn't at such an impressionable age & you were with this guy MUCH longer, then I would say 'good luck', but not in your case it's just not time. You are acting like a love struck teenager.

I have a good friend who is divorced and not only will she not have a guy move in with her and her kids, she doesn't even date. She said the divorce likely messed them up enough and she's not going to have different guys in their lives too. So she wont' date until they're in college. I haven't been in your shoes so shouldn't say anything but I have to say I have a lot of respect for her decision. It's unselfish and likely her kids will benefit. Not dating at all might be too much to ask some people but a boyfriend moving in when your daughter will not be ok with it? I am in the camp you shouldn't consider it. Sure you're an adult but she's not and you're her mother. She should come first. And if she's a teenager, we're not talking 17 more years until she's in college or something.

I know some moms who have responded have success stories but I don't feel good about this. The time has NOT come for him to move in with you, you are barely divorced (you were married 14 months ago) and your kids need to be your first priority. It feels soooo good to be all lovey dovey, I get it. Life is so dramatic for a 13 year old girl as it is. You can still date without hurting them. Why rush??

Ummm... Why is it "time" for your bf to move in?? I don't mean to be harsh, but your daughter doesn't want you to date and you want to move him in??? You just turned your children's lives upside down with the divorce and now you want to force them to accept not only that you are seeing someone but he is going to live with all of you. I just don't see this going well. You need to refocus and put their needs ahead of your own.
Does HE know how your daughter feels about you dating? If so, I can't believe he would agree to moving in with you.
Please rethink this.

So you have only been divorced within this past year, and already dating and feel it's time to move your bf in??? I think it's to early.

I personally would not do it unless you are engaged. That is a huge step and especially if you have kids. You want to make sure you are in a committed relationship BEFORE moving in together. It will be extremely hard on the kids to get used to him being there and then he's gone and they have to go thru all that again. I hope you get some good advice on here. I too was divorced and we moved in together when we were engaged. I personally think that makes a huge difference. Good luck.

I think if you feel that your daughter would not be happy with just the thought, then maybe it's not time. It may be a disaster and your children could end up hurt. Good luck!

Wait until your kids are out of high school and off to college or pretty much on their own. The time you have with them is short. They are more important than any man. (If your teenage daughter can't handle it but young son can, then wait until she's out of the house to get married.) If you know she won't be ok with it, then why do that to her? Teenagers have enough problems without their parents piling more on.

Wow so I have to disagree with all the other moms who have opinions that it's too soon, would you want your kid doing it etc. You are an ADULT. You feel that it's time and it's no one's business to tell you it's not! And you weren't asking for an opinion so this is what I think.. Sit her down and tell her that you know that she doesn't like you dating but mommy and daddy are not getting back together and mommy is really really happy with so-and-so and that you wanted to talk to her about it before it happens, mostly she's probably not on board because she has a dream that you two will work it out, let her know the he's not trying to replace her dad and you want to be happy.. open the dialogue and make her feel like she's being taken seriously and listen to her feelings and address what you can. Good luck and congrats on the next stage of your relationship!

I don't totally agree with some of the other posters. I don't think that marriage or engagement is necessarily required, and I know for a fact that the "80% of couples living together before marriage end up in divorce" statistic is not correct. You're a grown up and I'm sure you've thought it through.

Anyhow, I believe you should spend some time with your daughter talking about her feelings on your relationship, and her feelings on your divorce. Go to family counseling if necessary. I'm sure your daughter has the idea that you and her dad will get back together, and she needs help in coming to terms with the idea that that is not going to happen. I would really encourage you to get to the bottom of that before your significant other moves in. I think your daughter will feel better if you really listen to her, and to her concerns, and let her know that even though she may not like this situation, that you did truly hear her concerns (however that is not to say that you will do whatever she wants, necessarily). As a teenager, I think she really needs an open line of communication with her mom. As long as she has that, she will be okay.

UGH, I cringe at the advice you've gotten so far, I'm sorry :(

So YAY!! You're totally into this guy, and he's into you, congrats!! I love that 'new love' feeling :) I'M happy for you!!

You're an adult. Your daughter is almost an adult. If she doesn't understand now, she will when she's older, I promise. It won't be too long before she wants to do the same thing ;)

You can't say your daughter won't be okay with it until you ask her. You should definitely listen and see if she has VALID concerns... like if she's just being an angst teenager, tough love kid... but if this guy is, I don't know, mentally, physically, or sexually abusing her, OF COURSE it's not okay, but I hardly doubt that's the case.

As far as your son, just casually ask him what he thinks. Weigh the pros and cons with BOTH of your kids, without your boyfriend present. Maybe have your new beau talk to the kids separately (if your daughter won't say it to his face behind closed doors, there's no real deal there)...

Maybe see if you can all sit down with a family counselor first. You're not asking your kids to call him dad, he's not replacing their dad, but he's willing and ready to make a commitment to all of you and provide a home; I think that's a WONDERFUL thing and I wish that MORE guys would step up to the plate like that!!

Good luck, best wishes, and follow your heart. There is a very fine line between standing up for your kids and standing up for YOU, what you want, and your self esteem. To me, living together is not as big a deal as so many other people make it seem. I think it's super important to live together with the kids... if THAT doesn't work out, wouldn't you want to know it BEFORE you take the plunge and get married!? Of course! :)

You are ultimately setting the example for your children. If you can honestly say to yourself without a shadow of a doubt that you will be fine with your daughter (or son) moving in with their SO when they are 18+, then why not. Really think about that and put yourself in your daughters shoes. Not having kids involved is another story entirely, but that is not the case here. I know that you have wants and needs too, but shouldn't our kids wants and needs always come first? With time, your daughter will get used to your boyfriend being around. Give her the time that she deserves to adjust. If your relationship lasts ( and I HOPE that it will!!) until she is more comfortable, then why not go ahead and get married? Just a thought...

My mother after a long time of being married and then divorced opted to have this guy she was dating move in with us. He took advantage of me and her too. It was just not a good idea. I'm not saying your guy will do this to your daughter but you can never be too careful. You don't mention how long you have known this man or how long you have been dating him. Set an example for your daughter to immitate. I say slow things down a bit and let this man provide a home for you and your kids instead of him moving into your spot. I know this sounds ancient but I've seen this pattern too many times and it is usually not to the woman's advantage nor her children.

She's sixteen and YOUR CHILD! Wait until she's 18 and out of the house -and then only if your son is fine with it and likes the man. Plus, that will give you two more years to determine if he will be a good father figure for your son. Kids are ours forever, and when we make the choice to have them, then we need to make the choice to put them first on many levels. Not saying you shouldn't have a life -but don't jeopardize your relationship with your daughter, especially at this time in her life when she really, really needs her mother (even if she doesn't think she does).

***And I would say the same thing if you were remarrying. If it's been such a short time since the divorce, it's really too soon for everyone.

M.:

I've already responded to your newest post.

I think it's sad that you are putting your desires ahead of your daughter's well being. Your daughter NEEDS YOU right now...not her mom dating and living with a guy...you just divorced 9 months ago.

Put your daughter ahead of you...date him but don't move in with him.

"she won't date until their in college" another post reads. That sounds fun, why don't you wait to be happy until it's convenient for everyone else.
Do what your heart wants, talk with your daughter and let her know this decision makes you happy.
Good Luck!

First of all, let me say that I am three months into "living together" and it's going VERY well. However, my son is five and LOVED the idea of having a man in his house/family AND we still had some major behavioral issues in the first month.

Adjusting to a new family dynamic is tough under the best circumstances. If you children really HATE the idea of him moving in... the experience will not be fun for anyone.

If you you've decided to do this (which it sounds like you have), you and the awesome man need to spend some time making her comfortable with him so that he is someone she WANTS around.

I suggest a woman to woman talk with her where you make sure you are listening to her feelings and she knows her opinions are being heard and validated. Explain to her why, you have decided that this is best for you family and how much you want the four of you to be happy together. Ask her what you can do to make her more comfortable with the change and then really try to do whatever that is.

Even then, it'll probably be bumpy, but if he moves in against your daughter's protests, she will make you both so miserable, you'll change your minds.

HTH
T.

Why is it time to move in but not to get married? Maybe your daughter internally upset with that arrangement. I know I would be. If someone wanted to move in with my mom it would be only OK with me if he professed an undying love for her and asked for her hand in marriage.
I do not know what the situation you have but I had a neighbor growing up and she was in the same situation with 3 daughters. She sat the all down and had a very frank conversation with them basically telling them that they will grow up and go on with their lives whether they realize it or not and she doesn't want to pass on this opportunity to get a life partner because as everyone knows women do not stay young and marketable forever. The lady also assured them that her love for them will not change. The daughters behaved after that.

Good luck.

Can she go live with her dad? If she is over 12, she might have a say.

My younger kids took to Troy like it was the most natural thing in the world.

The problem with the older kids is they are aware of everything that went wrong before, they don't want it to happen again. They loved Troy but hated the thought of him leaving me and hurting the younger kids. There were times when she said why don't you put us first and all the cliche things kids of divorce say, other times where she joked and laughed with Troy. In the end the first thing out of her mouth when she found out we were engaged, "I am your maid of honor!"

I just want to add you have to make sure the kids really aren't against it. This is also one of the hardest things in the world because they may say they are against it but not mean it. Sort of like prove you love me and dump the guy, then you dump the guy and they are like why did you do that???!!! In a perfect world teens are hard, in divorce it is easier to solve the mysteries of the world than understand them.

I'm 57 years old and I lived with my first husband some 31 years ago. We had 2 children. Married for 18 years.
I don't believe that religion has anything to do with it. BUT with that said from experience - my now husband and I lived together with my kids and they resented at first. So just from my experience - sometimes when it's not their father --the kids will have issues with it. DO I regret it...yes and no. Maybe I should have waited a few years, until their father was over it, but I don't know too many people that don't live with their significant other. AND nowadays most kids live together before they get married. My daughter has lived with her boyfriend now for 2 years and it will be 3 years almost to the day of their wedding in 2012. I had no problem with it at all. I only dated my 2nd husband so I did not have a list of men that came and went...just him...so I think the best thing to do would be to sit down and tell them he's moving in...I just hope they can adjust better than my kids - my ex-husband made it miserable for me and that did not help...but of course it was okay when he moved in with his girlfriend and kids...go figure...*-(....GOOD LUCK.

I'm going to say sitdown with your daughter and tell her what your thinking. She might be more ok then you think. And well if not your an adult and can make deciscions. Lots of people live together before marriage, and have kids. My husband and I lived together 6 years before getting married:) and my brother lives with his girlfriend and her 3 kids.

I would sit down with her and tell her what will be happening. Ask her about her feelings. What is she worried about? Chances are that in her mind, this makes your divorce from her dad permanent - lots of kids still deep down believe it can be the way it used to be. And it will not so she may as well get it. Will she get less of your time? Talk about it, even though she is a teen, she probably doesn't want to share you with someone new. Is she worried about the logistics - walking around in her underwear, man in the house - cover the specifics with her.

And then tell her it will happen - it is your life and you deserve to be happy. I bet you would NOT be getting all these negatives if you had posted that you were remarrying.

Wow, being divorced with kids and wanting to date seems to open you up to a lot of criticism. Good thing my first marriage ended before we tried to have kids. Anyway, I would talk with your daughter. If the the divorce was recent, maybe it would be best to wait to move in. I wonder at the comment of being engaged first before you move in with each other.

25 yrs ago after being single for 8 1/2 yrs I decided to 'move in' with my now DH of 24 yrs my oldest daughter, 18 with a 4wk old in the next room came into my bedroom where he was standing while I was putting on my make up to go out for the evening with....a...bandana around her head biker style...and...a...banana....and....rolled accross the floor...and...'shot' him, machine gun style, noises & all....and...then....rolled back out of the room...blowing on her 'gun finger'...saying..."that will take care of that!"...I was absolutely astonished!!!! He didn't know what to say or do!!!! This was just before he was due to move in & all of the talk in the world would not convince her that he was, 'a good man & a good thing for our family'...today, 25 yrs later, she & all of my family not only accept him they love him sometimes more than they do me!

Just talk to them, have him talk to them, if he is a good man he will win them over. Remember, talking, loving & understanding their fears is the key here.

Best to you All!

P.S. the incident has gone down in family history, and we ALL laugh about it now!!!

PSS in reading some other posts I realize it hasn't been long since your divorce, tread lightly on your heart mind & the hearts & minds of your children, they are more than likely scared for you & for them, make sure this isn't a 'I want to be part of a couple' before you have had time to be...YOU!