Little League 8Yrs Special Needs Girl Cries Eyes Out, W/every Loss

I have a daughter with special needs, too (Down Syndrome - so it is obvious). I think one important thing to do is to be open and honest about her special needs. It would be perfectly reasonable to one day sit and talk with the teammates about her special needs and let the girls ask questions - any questions. You could anticipate their questions and answer those, so they see that you are comfortable talking about things they might wonder, "Is it rude to ask about...?" Pretending it is not there or isolating and hiding her differences won't make her more likely to have playdates. This seems to be a new opportunity to practice what you and she will be practicing for the rest of her life.

Getting upset about not winning is a typical thing that happens to most kids in preschool through kindergarten and first grade. It's when kids learn about good sportsmanship and learning to enjoy playing a game whether they win or lose. And also how to be a gracious winner or loser. Your girl is just going through this stage a little bit later than some other kids go through it. Talk to her about what fun it is just to play and if the other team wins, it's ok to feel disappointed, but the nice thing to say is the winner played a good game. How would she feel if her side won and someone on the other team cried about it? It takes time. Be patient.

I remember being in sports as a kid that age, and HATING the feeling of losing a game! I so didn't want to tell the other team "Good game!" and shake their hands after the game. I'd rather have kicked their shins.

So I think the way she feels is normal.

The trick is, how to channel that feeling into something less angry... Team sports are so tough because even if she plays really well, the team still might lose. For me personally, I ended up deciding that I'd rather participate in individual sports (track, cross country, swimming) than deal with the uncoordinated losers that were always on my teams in softball. (I know, I know, I am a terrible person for thinking it. Not losers, everyone's a winner, blah blah blah... =) Still, for a kid who is a great natural athlete, team sports can be the ultimate in frustration.

My daughter is on an all-star cheer team. Their competitions have judges, and the scoring is pretty subjective. Also, teams with more kids will score higher because they can do a greater number of tumbling passes, etc. So even though my daughter's team was fantastic this year, often times they wouldn't win competitions simply because there were 14 kids on her team, vs. 24 on some other teams. Of course she'd become upset and ask, "Why did we lose?" And I'd just tell her the truth - your team did 28 back handsprings and they did 48. When you get a point for each one... obviously they're going to score higher. In your daughter's case, it's as simple as, the other team ran the bases faster and hit the ball farther. If you want to win 'em all, you'd better hit the batting cage a little harder next week, right? =) Winners are the ones who turn the losses into motivation.

Sports are tough - it's tough to learn to swallow the feeling of losing, but to learn how to manage defeat gracefully AND learn the feeling of excellence, and of the hard work it takes to achieve it, will be priceless later in life.

Have you tried other sports? Soccer is good because there is less pressure on individule players. For example, the whole world isn't watching when you strick out like in baseball/softball. I would stick out the season, but then try other activities if her issues don't improve. You could also tape the game and then play it back for her. Gently point out when other players make a mistake, but don't start crying and throwing a fit. It could also show her how her post-game behavior is different than the other kids.....she might not even be aware.

I agree with the others, just telling her not to cry will not do. Talk with her about winning and losing, maybe find a book at the library and visualize with her the behavior you would like to see. Do all of this in advance, not when you are there. After a few days of talking about it, start explaining how proud you would be if she would behave composed and could keep it together and then at the game, praise her every second she keeps it together. Even if she looses it again, tell her that she did better than last time. Over time, set up two or three simple rules that she can remind herself, like "at games, we do not cry when we loose. Winning is not everything. We smile, encourage our team mates and do our best."

I would talk to her about that it is ok to loose and being a good sport. When things are going "bad" praise her the naosecond she is neutral and does not have a break down. really emphasize how great she is that she was able to keep herself together . give words that describe the positive behavior vs what not to do. you will be changing her thought process when things go wrong. I have my kids look for the positve of bad situations. Last year my daughters team lost every game but one. She is 9. We talked about being a leader when everyone else is down and how we need someone to keep everyone going. You may enjoy the book Positive discipline. the book has tons of good positive communication to redirect kids. Good luck

Hi P.,
The fact is that some children are just not a match for competitive sports. Is your daughter able to understand that there will be a winning team and a losing team each game, and one team is going to feel bad - is it any better for it to be the other team? If that is beyond what she is able to understand and continues to take this so hard and so personally, you may need to decide that this is not a good activity for her. She may do better when she's older with something like swim team, ski team or track - individuals competing and only one "winner."
Also - discuss with her, what are her goals for playing? If it's just to win, then she is likely to be disappointed at least half the time. If she's playing to learn skills, be fit and active, spend time with other girls, then help her to keep the focus on that. The fact is that there are many instances in life where you are not going to win and there will be competitive games played in school gym classes, at summer camp, etc. She may or may not get past this, and if she doesn't, you'll need to decide whether it's worth it for her to continue to play.

Dear P.,

I undestand how much your daughter loves the sport softball, but have you tried talking to her about possibly changing the sport. My son has the same disorder with the same exact issues and team sports did not work for him. So, he now participates in individual sports: swimming, fencing, archery. The only person he is competing with is himself. And he loves it because he progresses with each lesson. He does not have to worry about a score board or whether his team loses or not. Other sports to consider: gymnastics, track, and golf. If she chooses a sport like track or swimming make sure she is not on a team like track relay. Make sure she is competing with her own personal time or ability, then slowly move her towards a team if the particular sport offers it.

I hope this helps.

D.