Kids Being TOO Competetive

He learned that it is about winning and not about fun from somewhere. A coach, other kids, or yes even his parents. Kids learn this by the cues they are given. If they are always cheered "Yeah you won" or "great hit" but never told "wow that was fun!!" even if they didn't win thats what they learn. This starts from an early age, when playing simple games like candy land, and catch. If all they here is cheers for winning or doing well they think that its all thats important.

You stated that they play a few sports. Maybe sports are too big a focus right now. How old are they? Are they involved in a variety of things for their age? Also, do you go to practices and watch how the coaches and other players interact with him. This may give you a clue as to where he is getting this from. If a coach is giving him this message that is a major influence on his perception in this realm.

Sit down with him. Tell him that you want him to play sports because you want him to have FUN!! Tell him it makes you sad when he gets so upset and frustrated. Ask him "Why does it make you so frustrated when you don't win?" Get his perspective. You might learn some interesting things from him. Don't be afraid to talk to him and find out his thoughts about it too. Then tell him you want him to learn to just ENJOY it! He's a kid--he shouldn't worry about winning......then help him do that.

I also, have no clue how old your kids are, but mine range in ages from 11 to 1. I got some sound advise when my now 4 year old son, threw this huge fit for my mom because he didn't when. If kids always when, then they grow up thinking that they will always when. Life is not that way. They need to learn to loose and loose with a smile on their face. As a parent with most games, it is easy to win or let them win. So she said on occasion that as a parent you need to win to teach them that it is ok to loose. And when you allow yourself to lose teach him how you lose by making a big deal out of how fun it was and your glad you played and that it is ok to lose. It takes a lot of time. My 11 year old is finally catching on that it was just as fun to play, win or lose.

As for your son. You need to sit down and chat with him, this will be your best bet on finding out if it is competitiveness or anger. If he is focused more on winning as a team and can also see where he needs to improve on his game then it is competitiveness, if he is more upset about losing and how losing is not his fault, than I would say it is anger. So if he admits that he has room to improve than competitiveness, if he is perfect and it is everybody around him's fault for losing than it is anger. Hope that makes since.

Good luck

I am a fencing coach. I also have a child who fences at a very high level. The children I see that have anger issues when they don't win or achieve what it is they think they need to achieve, have some self-esteem issues. Being better than someone else is how they find their worth. I think this can come from school, siblings, parents, even playing to many video games. Even a young child may struggle with esteem if they feel they need to win to get certain attention. I think demonstrating that it is o.k. to lose helps. Playing board games where they won't always win or having an older child or parent show how they are o.k. with not winning all the time may help. I also try directing my son toward role models that he can admire as a person and not for their achievements alone.

Maybe ask him why he is so worried about winning. Then explain winning doesn't define if you are a good player at all, that trying to play well is what defines him as a player. Explain he may take the game seriously however it is about fun and if kids he is playing with aren't having fun anymore due to his attitude they won't play with him anymore. Then I would get some book on teamwork. It isn't about one player and him being bossy if the rest of the team isn't happy, if his team isn't happy or having fun the team will lose. Find some age appropriate books on competition. Then if his attitude worsens or continues, then maybe it is time to bench him from organized sports for a while. It is great to want to win, we all do, however it is about fun not winning and as long as you try you aren't a loser. My daughter gets upset if she doesn't win board games and I tell her all the time I am playing with her because it is fun, not because I want to win! Keep encouraging that with him. Compliment him when he doesn't do that well in things too so he knows you don't require him to be the best at everything.

Dear S.,

Wouldn't it be great if kids came with a window into their thoughts across their foreheads! There can be any number of reasons for his competitiveness. With our young kids we simply tell them it is time for them to stop playing if it is no longer fun for themselves or others. Board games, sports, pretend play, etc. The whole idea for games is to encourage fun play. Good luck, and keep trying. You are more brilliant with your own kids than you think. It's just about finding information and tailoring it to fit your family.
Best wishes,
H.