Just Getting It off My Chest...

You know what I love?

When I have something bad happen, have to miss out on something fun, and then on top of it all... To have someone get mad at me for it.

I don't think 10 am is too early! I would much prefer that than a party at 1 or so (when lo's need naps) that are right in the middle of the day. No time to do anything before or after.

Sorry they didn't even bother to call. That's just rude.

They fooled you once - shame on them.
If you allow them to fool you twice - then shame on you.
From this point forward - do not automatically assume they are coming.
When you get an RSVP from them saying they will be there - at that point you can do A LITTLE something for their dietary needs - never do a whole party around it.

I suggest that catering to people with food restrictions to the point of causing hard feelings when they don't show up is over doing it. It's a must to take care of ourselves. I say this because I have food allergies. I do not want to feel indebted to the hostess. Great when they include something simple that can also be eaten by others. I do not want to be singled out.

I suggest you are upset because you thought you were helping them. In reality you were doing this for yourself. Consider this a lesson learned. Only go out of your way for someone else when doing so doesn't hurt you and when you know that doing so will be helpful. When we do things for others we need to do it only if doing it will make us happy no matter the reaction of the other person.

Thank you CoCoMom. Yes, that is what I meant. You described my thoughts well.

And Twiminimes (hope I spelled that right) I would say you should not have got a cake. I'm actually saying the opposite. Do not try to please people unless you get pleasure from doing so no matter their reaction. It is not our job to make other people happy. Each one of us is responsible for our own happiness. It is healthy to first take care of ourselves and then help others as we are able to do so while making ourselves happy.

So, if going all out foodwise for these people gave you pleasure than do it. Do it because it makes you happy not only to make them happy. This is a really hard concept to understand. Reading about codependency is the way I first learned about boundaries.

If you mean you need to get over it by letting go of your hurt and anger, yes that's true. By forgiving them you are increasing your happiness. At the same time I suggest you need to remember so that you can have better boundaries with them. Know that you cannot depend on them for attendance or for reasonable expectations. I believe it was unreasonable for them to expect you to provide their child a birthday cake.

Life is better when we ask for what we want and not expect others to read our minds. Which brings up a different way of looking at the current situation. They did not ask you to provide special food so why are they rude in relation to the food? Rude for not coming or calling if they had said they were coming. But if they didn't know you were providing soecial food for them the food is not a reason to be upset with them.

Lesson learned.

Honest, anytime you entertain, just make a variety of foods YOU enjoy and will eat, and don't cater to special needs diets. People who require special foods and don't show can bring their own food in the future.

It was very thoughtful of you to plan, and ask, and provide. Don't do it again.

Ugh - I would have been so mad too.

And no way is 10am too early for a party. Even for older kids we have had enough occasional early weekend morning (8am) basketball/softball games that 10am is no big deal.

Too bad you didn't immediately head over there after the party and thrust their special food into their hands when they answered the door with a "Here - I have this left over since you failed to show."

Of course that is repaying rudeness with more rudeness, which isn't right. But you can certainly fantasize about it :)

i do understand your pique. when someone has said they'll be here, and i prepare food especially to please that someone, it DOES gall when they just don't show up. BTDT. sucks.
on the other hand, when kids are involved, flexibility is an issue. 10am is early for a birthday party. of course they should have called you- that's a lot of people to just no-show!- but some mornings it's true, you just can't get moving.
i'm so glad the party was a happy one nonetheless.
:) khairete
S.
ETA i'm just flummoxed by the suggestion that 'she should have come up with a better excuse.' what kind of a world is it where we EXPECT people to lie creatively instead of being honest? i don't understand people sometimes. :/

I think you have to shoulder some of your own anger. 10:00 a.m. is just waaayyyyy too early for a party. I'm sure the people wanted to attend, but when push came to shove, just couldn't bring themselves to rush around on a weekend morning like they have to do during the week. If you are a sahm then you kind of don't get it, but if you are a working mom, then I'm sure if you really think about it, you'll understand.

Next year either a party at a normal time, or just do a dinner with family, a few gifts and cake.

I so understand! People are incredibly rude about RSVPing, and then not even showing up!

Send them a bill. ;-)

Okay, I'm kidding. But wouldn't that be great? Send a bill for the gluten free foods that you spent time and money preparing. THAT would make your point.

Some people are so freaking rude. Just know that you are a caring person, and one who likes to make sure everyone is comfortable at your house. I'm sure most of your friends appreciate it. We couldn't get moving that morning? Poor excuse for poor behavior. But don't stop being nice. You wouldn't be you then.

I would look at it as "more for us for lunches" and not count on them attending in the future. Or you can say, "Our menu is x, but feel free to bring a snack for your child that meets their dietary needs." Many parents do that. I bring juice DD can have and a little boy I know has his own brownie for all birthday type events. His mom just wraps it up and they set it aside til cake time.

If I invited anyone whom I knew had dietary restrictions, I would make sure I had food for them. Period. To not provide something they can eat and drink is inappropriate. What is your husband thinking?

However, if I were you, I wouldn't invite this family group over anymore. What on earth are THEY thinking to just not get moving? They really do take the cake. If you want to see them, invite yourselves over next time.

My family was invited to my Mom's for dinner on Saturday. LO did not nap in the afternoon. He could barely keep his eyes open at 6:00. I showed up solo. We were invited to my uncle's on Sunday, for dinner again. LO did not nap in the afternoon, and was in the bath at 6:00. We all skipped that one, and missed out on seeing the second cousins who were over as well.

Sometimes S happens.

Once people started marrying and having young children they became far less reliable in terms of attendance. I hear this improves again once the kids are more self reliant.

After a few disappointing attempts at house parties where a dozen yes RSVPs and 11 last minute cancellations left me with silly amounts of left overs, I now buy chips and dip (non perishable), fruit and veg I would otherwise eat or can use in soup and salad, cheese and crackers, and order delivery after the first guest arrives.

Best,
F. B.

I don't think Marda meant you got them "gluten free" stuff FOR YOU. When she says she suggests you are doing it *for yourself* she means going out of your way to ensure someone else's needs are met..... Possibly even at the expense of some aspect of you.

It can be called "people pleasing" (which is what I suffer from) or co-dependent or enabling. There are other names, but it's sort of the same behavior. Sometimes it's a GREAT trait (it's what makes me highly successful in my chosen carrer, for example). But if you don't learn how to set boundaries or limits you can end up resentful in certain situations if your "effort" is not recognized, or appreciated or...... Whatever it is that you are seeking.

It is frustrating to go out of your way and then have rude people not show up. I get where you are coming from.

Almost all of my kids' birthday parties have started at 10:00 a.m. It isn't too early. The ONLY people who have a hard time are one family that we're very close with who live about 70 miles away. But, we talk to them in advance, before choosing the day, to make sure it would work for them and we invite them to stay at our house after the party so they don't have to turn around and drive back two hours later. ANYWAY....

I totally get why you're frustrated. I can't believe she didn't even come up with a better excuse for not coming, though I suppose it's nice that she was honest. I also understand your desire to be inclusive with the food, but I honestly don't think you should do it if there is only one family that needs special accommodations. It IS nice to make a goody bag (if you do them and include food/candy) that is safe for that specific child, as it doesn't really take extra work. But planning extra menu items really isn't worth the time and effort. I say this as a mom of a kid with allergies. While I would appreciate the effort if my friends made it at parties, I'd also feel a little guilty that they went out of their way. I bring my son his own pizza and cake to every single birthday party we go to and we are fine with it. That's just the way it is. He does get VERY excited though when he looks in a goody bag and sees starburst instead of hershey's kisses, because then he knows that the host made a special point to think about him.

So yeah, I get the frustration. It was rude of them not to show up and even ruder not to call. Next time, don't go out of your way and it won't be as annoying if they bail again, especially since it sounds like it happens a lot with this family. Glad the rest of the party was a blast!

If men ran the world! Really, you do worry about stuff more at your age and the older you get the less you expect from others and consequently, yourself. I appreciate the trouble you went to. People like you make the world a better place.

It sounds like you are a very thoughtful hostess.

10:00 am for a child's party on Saturday is pretty normal for children 5 and under.. Usually these kids wake up early and are still young enough the parents are up anyway.. They have been awake for hours. This way they get to the party wear out the child, come home and take a nap. Our neighborhood, we did this a lot especially in the summer because as you know, by 12:00 or 1:00 it can be 100 or hotter.. Today it was 80 degrees.

A good hostess makes sure that if they are serving food, even snacks, there are things available for everyone.. It does not have to be much, but this is called hospitality.

I am sorry that people are just so thoughtless. Not attending when you did RSVP, is just as bad as not RSVP'ing in the first place. Keep this in mind..

People need a heads up. We need to know how much to plan for as well as, how much to not have so we do not end up wasting it.

We can make excuses for our behaviors, but when we behave like this, we are actually being rude to the host or hostess. We are taking them for granted that this behavior is acceptable.

I don't blame you for feeling frustrated. You have every right.

Lesson learned.
It's always cheaper, easier and less stressful to go old school: cake, ice cream & punch. Maybe a few bowls of popcorn or pretzels. No need for a full on buffet.
It's a kid's birthday party, not a wedding reception ;-)

Ugh. I'd be pissed, too. And, like you, I'd know I need to get over it. But, yeah, I'd still be pissed for a while. "We couldn't get moving that morning?" Ugh. Rude.

so did you say anything to them? did they even realize how inconsiderate they were? if it's brought up again, I'd be inclined to say something along the lines of "we were really disappointed not to see you, I had prepared some special xyz that you guys could eat and I was wanting to see what you thought of it"... that may clue them in that you went the extra mile to accommodate them and maybe they won't be so inconsiderate next time. but they prob will be. ugh, people can make you nuts!

I'm with you on this one! I hate when people say "yes" and then just don't show up. I would NEVER do that. And if I had to cancel, I would call or message as soon as possible and be full of apologies. I think it's time to move on from these inconsiderate people. The relationship seems very one-sided!

Glad the party turned out well!

10 AM is just way too early. Sorry about the no shows. People very inconsiderate these days. Did they at least call.

Yes, it was very rude for them not to show up, and her excuse was very lame. Moving onto another topic - what does LO stand for, and why do people assume that everyone knows these abbreviations? It would be very helpful if people spelled out every word - they will get better advice if people could read every word of their post. Okay, I just read your "what happened" and figured out that LO stands for little ones. LO is not a common abbreviation like ASAP is, for example. Everyone knows what ASAP stands for, but probably very few people know what LO stands for. I wish people would spell out the words!

You were being a good hostess. Your SO needs to realize that hosting does carry an obligation. At least, it does when you're an adult. This is not a BYOB frat party scenario. :-)

The no-show family was rude. Short of an emergency or accident, there is no acceptable excuse for being a no call/no show. There is some good to come of this though. You now knoe where you rank in their lives. When people show you who they are, believe what you see. Don't extend invitations to them in the future.

You're right, I would have said no thanks specifically due to the hour it was held. On the weekends the kids get up when they get up, usually by 8:30/9 then they have chores to do like work on their rooms and put up all their clean laundry. We don't go anywhere that early in the morning. In our area most birthday parties don't start until later, but at that age afternoons are harder.

In my house I can say I'd be trying to get the kids moving and out of the house. BUT if they didn't get a move on they'd have to miss the party.

If it was close to the time to be there it wouldn't have made a tiny bit of difference to you if they had called. You still would have had all the food and effort for nothing. Consequnces sometimes don't happen until it's time to go somewhere and they can't go because of how their acting.

Next time try to not do it like this. I truly do NOT want to go to parties where food and stuff is part of the party. I don't like people spending all that money on me. I feel obligated to pay them back. It's uncomfortable for the guests most of the time, truly, did she know you were cooking specifically for their family and buying gluten free foods to serve them? IF the mom knew you had gone out of your way to do all this specifically for them and you would not have done it if they had said no, and she knew completely this fact, then she's not a friend, not at all. Cut your loses completely with them. They'll use you up.

As for the comments before, I think mom's who do goody bags, provide food, that go far and beyond what other mom's do for a birthday party...well, I think who are they trying to impress? Why aren't they serving cake and ice cream like a regular mom, they don't have to be better than everyone else. So please, think about it.

If you want to serve food at your birthday parties just do that for family parties. Then when the kiddo's have their parties with their friends don't do anything with food other than cake and ice cream. The kids don't care and they aren't going to eat more than those items.

So, like Marda said, you didn't do this for the kids, you did this for you. So when the kids were off doing stuff the parents would sit around and talk about what a good cook you are, how nice it was of you to go out of your way to make stuff for their kiddo's dietary needs. That's what Marda meant. You did the food so you'd get compliments and feel appreciated. Not for the kids to have lunch. If it was for them you could have ordered pizza.