JFF: Love for Husband Vs. Love for Child

It is different, equally intense, but different.

Do I love my husband more? No. My kids more? No. I love them both with extreme passion.

I do however keep in mind that my relationship with my husband can at times be more important than my kids. As he and I will be together after they have left the nest. My goal as a mom is to ready the kids to leave...but my goal as a wife is to maintain a great relationship with my husband that will last until we die.

So maybe she meant that at times she needed to love her husband more as their relationship will be closer longer.

I agree with you, there is no comparison. A mother's love is unconditional...but that is just my opinion.

When my daughter was born and I held her for the first time, I felt like part of me that had been missing was now complete. She is my world. I love her more than I have ever loved anything or anyone before. My hubby is a sweet, kind, funny, wonderful man, but there is not comparison.

This is just where English sucks as a language. Other languages have different words for love that define different TYPES of love. They can be equally strong, but feel very different.

Filios, Amos, Eros, Agape; familial/fraternal, passionate, romantic, spiritual

I mean, English is great whenever one wants to be purposefully vague, but we head for Latin & Greek when we want to be specific for a VERY good reason. Arabic is another very precise language. German is *slightly* better than English, Spanish/Italian/French better than English and German, but not as accurate as Latin and Greek.

Bah. English. There *almost* isn't a single word that has a single meaning in our language, although some homophones have at least different spellings to help with different meanings, it's still a very SNAFU language.

((It's mine, therefore I feel free to mock it. Thwibbt!))

I would never say I love one more than the other...but there are real definitions of love, to me, and in a Biblical sense, you are supposed to love, in this order, God, your spouse, your children, and your neighbors.

The love I have for my husband versus my children just isn't comparable. Lets put it this way...if both were hanging off a cliff and I could only save one, I'd save my child...partially because OF my love for my husband, because that's what he would want. Not because I necessarily love my child more.

But the depth of love I have for both children and husband is SO deep, it's immeasurable. :)

i don't compare them..there really is no need to rank your "top 5" loves.

It is hard to compare as the two "loves" are completely different. But yes one is STRONGER than the other... I would do ANYTHING for my son.

I think the feeling of nurturing and protecting makes the love for my son stronger... all the sacrifices I have made, and will make for the rest of my life, for him. He came out of my body, he is a part of me... I am the one who is raising a little person. My husband is my love.. and always will be... but I am not as responsible for him as I am for my son.

Make any sense? I think what your friend probably meant was that her husband came first, then the children. Because in marriage, you sometimes have to do that in order to get your "own life" back.. Children have the capability to take over completely and that can have a toll on our marriage.

So by putting her husband first, not loving him more than them, she is telling him that he IS important to her.

That is really, really tough to answer. It's definitely a different love. A child is literally "part" of you!

The theory is that we should all love (in this order) God, Spouse, children, family, friends (I believe).

And I think the reason is that if we have strong love for our spouses, we can provide a loving home in which to raise children.

my love for my son is just...all-encompassing. i know you know what i mean...words can't even describe. yes, i love my husband. and sometimes i feel that he doesn't get as much of me as my son and on some level i feel that is wrong...but my dna doesn't work that way...

My daughter - no question :)

I would have to agree with you. I am a step parent and I still love my step son more than I love my husband (step sons father). I think loving a child is very different than loving a spouse. They both mean the world to me, but there is something about the innocent and pure love of a child.
A.

Hi S.S.-

This is a difficult one for me...as a divorced mom...

BUT...I often wonder...in the 'twighlight' of my acrimonious divorce if maybe...MAYBE...I had focused more on my marriage than my kiddos...things could have been different...

BUT...he was drinking LONG before I married him...it just became more of a coping mechanism for him...I expected MORE from him...

He was not able to deliver.

I will always be there for my kiddos...NO QUESTION...

as far as the ex...sad to say...but IF he were on fire now...

I would NOT pee on him to put him out...

I 'did' love him though...
Michele/cat

i love my sons more than anyone else in the world, including my husband, and he knows that. He loves our sons more than he loves me. That is what I expect, I would be upset if he said he loved me more.

I guess I just see them as two very different kinds of love, so no I don't really love anyone (husband, daughter,son) of them anymore than the other. The love I feel for my husband is a very different kind of love than the one I have for my kids. Just like I don't love one of my kids more than the other.

If something were terrible horribly wrong and something were to happen where I had to choose my hubs over the kids...I'd save my kids over my husband...hell yea...and I would expect him to do the same. That I don't anticipate to ever happen.

Again the love I have for my kids is a different kind of love than the one I have for my husband. I fell more in love with him because of our kids but it's not the same...

am I making sense?

I don't think they are comparable. My husband is my other half and will be until one of us dies, he's my best friend, and he's the one I'll be stuck with when the kids leave the house. He's the one I CHOSE to marry. :)

My children are the product of our love for each other, individuals, and loved unconditionally. I think if you were to ask either of us who we would try to save first (stupid hypothetical questions, etc.) we would say our children, but that is not the same thing as saying we love them more. The relationship between husband and wife is SO important and should NEVER be neglected, children or not. Your children should grow up knowing how important that relationship is, how deep that love is, and seeing a model of a mature and dedicated relationship.

The hope is, that her kids don't know that.
How that would really hurt their feelings.
Love for a spouse and love for your children, are not finite.

Ya know without really answering your question my mom was one to tell me my father came before my brother and I. Really sucks to hear that as a child, up to that point I assumed we were equal.

I love my husband but if he went all psyco or something, or is a tool like my ex, well you stop loving them, ya know? My kids on the other hand I may not like what they do but I don't stop loving them. Perhaps it is because I am to blame if I didn't raise them right where husbands you can blame on the mother in law! :p

I love my husband, and if anything were to happen to him I would be unbelievably upset. but if something happened to my son I would not be able to go on living. My husband says he loves he loves me and our son the same, but he knows that I love our son more.

I'm divorced and have full custody, so I guess in my situation that answers the question!!! haha! Fun post! Look forward to other mama's answers!

I just had this conversation with my husband. We have been together 8 yrs and truly are best friends. Our daughter took alot of trying and alot of medical intervention. Through our conversation i can honestly tell you that we are both in agreement our daughter is #1 for both of us! No jealousy, not mad just the way we are.We just both take the backseat to her! LOL. Yes i love my daughter more than my husband. Yes my husband loves my daughter more than me. Agreed. Life goes on :)

I concur with most of the other responders: There is a difference in the different types of love. How do you measure it anyways? And, in a life-or-death situation I would save my child (and expect hubby to do the same).

The pure and innocent love and trust of a child brings that out in us as parents--I think it makes it "easier" to love others--reminds us of how we want to be.

I don't see them as being remotely the same. A love for a husband, though, is what you give. A love for a child is something taken out of you when you have them, like a piece of your heart left your body and now has a new one. The love for a child, to me, is far more complete and whole. There is something far more to the love for your child.

Im with you, my kids pretty much own my heart. For example and even though its awful its an example, If i lost my kids i wouldnt be the same, or may not even go on. If i lost my husband im sure id eventually come out of the Depression.

I love my husband, since the day we met when i was 12, he completes me in the most corny sense of the word, but he didnt come from me, i didnt nurture him into existence and raise him carefully. He is not an actual part of my d.n.a. makeup.

I dont really go around always woith this in mind but if i have to divulge...........

I've seen/heard couples talk as if it were "us against the kids" and my husband and I have never felt that way. We see our kids as part of our marriage and a very welcomed addition to our marriage.

Sure, I love my husband, but it doesn't even compare to the love I have for my kids. It's two completely different types of love. Some days, my kids come before my husband. Other days, my husband comes first- it just depends on the day. They are all my priority!

What matters is to me is that we are a family and we all love each other.

I don't really know...it's different. My children feel like they are my heart out there walking around. I have never felt a love like I feel for my babies. But I also haven't felt the same type of love I feel for my husband until I met my husband. The loves are different. I also kind of feel like I keep my love strong with my husband BECAUSE I love my children so much. I don't want them to ever have to go through divorce and be hurt that way.

So...I don't know really. I guess I don't really compare them. My love for my children is more natural. It's just there and it's incredibly deep. For my husband, it's there too, but it's differnet in that it takes more work to make sure we keep our love strong.

The love for husband is completely different than the love for child. The love for child is constantly changing, and at some point you almost have to internally harness that love in order for them to be their own person. No doubt in a sudden emergency, you would reach for your child first, as that protective instinct is so powerful. But the love for a husband ideally should grown and mature through the years. The love for a child doesn't lesson, but it changes very dramatically as they become adults.

By the way, I also view the love for God that way. I love God totally differently than I do my spouse or children.

My marriage and the bond that I share with my husband comes first. It is the foundation for any love for children or anything else that comes out of it.

My husband always told me that I would love our baby more. Nope. Don't get me wrong, he is the sweetest little thing I know, but I don't love him more than I love my husband. I express these loves differently. I also want to take care of my husband and protect him and put him in my pocket to keep him safe, but as a 40-something year old man, that is neither reasonable nor necessary. I can do that with my baby. My responsibility to each is different, but the loves are neck and neck!

I would've said the same as you, when I had my first. Now after 3 I feel it is important to make the love for my husband a priority. I have a sacraficing sort of love for my chldren. My love for my children is unconditional in a way that is different for the love for my husband. The love is so different actually it is hard to compare. Although my husband openly admits that he loves me more than the kids, I actually feel like a lucky lady when he says that :)

My child comes first, and he has known that from the day we met (she was a teen when he and I met).
She had no choice about coming into this world. I made that decision unilaterally - didn't even tell her dad I was pregnant until I had decided to carry the pregnancy. So that obligates me to her before anyone else.

As for God, any deity that would expect me to put him/her/it/them before my child doesn't deserve my worship.

Totally different kind of love. The love between a parent and child starts out very innocent, and helpless. The person that wrote that must be really dependent on their husband. Parenting is a team effort - you really can't rely on one to do more than the other. Sure one parent may be more available to drive the kids to their activities and schools, but actual parenting is a 2 person deal. I don't even think I would say anything like this outloud (loving your husband more than your child).

I don't know why it has to be one versus the other.
They are completely different types of love and can be equally deep and intense.
I just know that if you put anything, including your kids, before your marriage, you might not have your marriage forever.
And, if we do our jobs right as parents, we raise our kids to ultimately leave us and have families of their own.
I'm divorced.
My youngest will graduate high school in two years.
I don't have a mate. I may never have one.
A partner to love you and grow old with you through it all isn't something to sacrifice or make up your mind isn't as important as something or someone else that you love with all your heart in a different way.
Happy mommies and daddies who love each other first can make for some pretty happy and well adjusted kids.

Just my opinion.

Was this blogger that you read a Christian blogger? Among the christian community, the focus on the family bunch, you are supposed to love god the most, then your spouse, then your children.
I understand trying to put your spouse first because if you always only put your children first (and let's face it.... it's kind of an instinct to put your children first), your marriage may suffer for it, but I'm not sure about loving them more.
I love my husband SO SO much, and love my children more than I ever realized was possible. I would say it's the same amount of love, just different. If something were to happen where I would have to choose--- just like another poster---- I would always choose my children. And my husband would too.

I don't believe there is a greater love than that of a parent for a child.

Although I know the Bible says we should love our husband first, I've never understood that. Because who better than God would understand the love a parent has for his children? He loves us more than anything. And He knows we love our children more than anything. So I personally believe that part of the Bible was one of those written to suit the people (men) of those times.

Yes, I love my children more than my husband. And it doesn't even matter WHAT kind of love it is......it's still more.

I don't compare. I love them all equally and in different ways. If my house caught fire or we were on the Titanic I would save my children and not look back for my husband, of course, but that's because he's an adult and can take care of himself. My children can't.

I've seen blog posts and articles like that before, and honestly I can understand them. It's not really so much loving a spouse "more" then the kids or vice verse... it's different kinds of love and different kinds of need. Perhaps what those articles often forget to state is that what's different, aside from romantic love versus parental love, is that the love a parent has for a child is (supposed to be) unconditional. We don't choose our relationships with our children, we simply have them. We love them and have a relationship with them whether we like them or not.

What makes our relationships with our spouses is that we have CHOSEN them based on their best qualities and in spite of their worst. We CHOOSE to work out differences and make it through rough spots, recognizing that it's not always easy and isn't supposed to be easy. This is the person we've chosen to co-parent with and share life with when we have children. This is who we chose to have children with and they're (usually) the reason we even have our children. Even in blended families, this is the case.

A good marriage makes for good parents. If you love your partner well and your partner loves you well, then loving your kids and caring for them will be easier.

I just can't imagine losing any of them... my children or my husband. I mean, I can. I've had dreams where I've lost him and it left me shaken and depressed for days afterward. I've dreamed of losing one of my children and have had a devastating pregnancy loss. I have a friend who lost her husband in a horrible, horrible car crash five years ago and she's never been the same. She's grateful for her children because they're his, but she frequently wishes she had been with him because she knows that her sister would have taken care of her kids per her will.

So. That's the long version. There's no comparison because the two aren't comparable. It's not a fair comparison and therefore I don't compare.

I love my husband so much.. But it's a different type of love than the love I have for my kids. If my husband needed a kidney he can gave it.. But if my kids needed a heart.. It's theirs.. These 2 loves are not comparable. I love my kids more than ANYTHING...

So to answer.. My kids.
My husband would say the same thing

It's kind of like apples and oranges. You love them both but sometimes a little more than the other. I agree with Denise P about who should come first. If you didn't have a husband or a man you wouldn't have had children. Also when the children do leave the "nest" who will you be with for the rest of your life? Husband you hope. If you have not created a strong bond between the two of you then you may find that you are total strangers once the children have left.

There was a poster who was told as a child that dad came before them and in a way that is true in a family.

I love my husband and my children equally but the love is different and for each of the three. If needed I would put my life on the line to save them.

Life has a way of helping you figure this one out.

The other S.

Lucky for my kids, I really can't stand their father!

(Yeah, that's a no brainer, two entirely different things)

:)

Ok- I just re-read my answer and I felt like I was sounding snarky- SOO do not mean to be that way!! So forgive me if I sound snarky!! Hello- great answers so far- but wanted to share with you the actual information about that "one person" you are talking about. Her name is Ayelet Waldman and she actually wrote a short piece in the NY Times- back in 2005- and she didn't say she loved her husband more- she just tried to explain the different loves she had. It stemmed from seeing how other moms were putting their kids first and putting their husbands aside- which made her feel like a bad mom that she still really liked and wanted her husband (in the bedroom too lol.) Here is the link:

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/27love.html?pag...

I agree that maybe she used some words to stir people up (she is a professional writer after all!) And when I read it for the first time I almost quit in the middle because she was saying things that made me think: "Seriously? Did you just say that!? You are a horrible mother!" But I pushed through to the end of the piece- and really understood the message- and I actually was emotional by the end. I read it to my husband and he and I talked about how we would always make sure to be the center of the family- we would be the suns and our children the moons- because when our little satellites grow up- they will leave us and start their own family where they can then be the suns! And for me, I am lucky to be in a good marriage- one that needs A LOT of work, one that sometimes I want to bash my husband over the head and walk out with the children sometimes lol- but one that also brings me great J.- and right now it probably doesn't bring me as much J. as my children do- but hopefully my husband and I can hold on and when the kids grow up and start families of their own- that J. and love will still be there for us to live with the rest of our lives.

SOOO- I would love to get some responses- what do you guys think??

To me there is no VS or comparing. Its all love. I love my family with all my heart and I dont go around stating that I love my kids more than my husband or vice versa. Without my husband I wouldnt have my kids and if I didnt have my kids then my husband and I wouldnt have that love to share with eachother for our kids. I think that there is a difference in the way we show our love but at the end of the day they are all my family and I love them all unconditionally. My heart explodes with love for them when I just sit there and think about it and I am the luckiest girl to be able to call them my family

I agree they are both different kinds of love. Regardless of the age, if my kids needed anything and I have the power to help them I will. Maybe it is because I have been previously married (and thought that was going to last forever and then it didnt) that I feel kids come first. Especially when they are young, they have no one else that can stick up for them and the adults can.

I second everything Mitzi R. said! She said everything I would have said but better!