Hi M.,
I have to commend you for keeping your baby and embracing single-motherhood, a lot of people won't do it. I think you made a great choice. I know it won't always be easy, but trust you can do it, and you will never regret it.
I am inclined to tell you that no matter what happens between you and the father of this baby, the baby needs to come first. By this I mean, her needs for a stable environment, before your need to be in a relationship that sounds like it may or may not work???
#1, I really think you should find a good therapist who can help empower you and assert your mental independence that you don't necessarily need a relationship to find fullfillment. You will never find true happiness through anyone else. I know this having lived it first hand for many years and it took me nearly 15 years to figure out I had to find ways to fulfill myself. It doesn't have to take that long for you. :)
Yes the father should be involved and should support the child, but it sounds to me like this relationship was not fully developed and that there is some uncertainty if you two are going to be together? Right?
In my experience, and this is my humble opinion, real, true, mature adults who are serious and no longer playing any games, do not stay "friends" with ex-partners. Either they step up to the plate and commit to a person or they goof around playing games and hanging out with women "friends". If there is truly nothing going on between them, he has no reason to seperate you from her at this point. You have every right to feel insecure.
Please allow me to explain that in my social circles of married couples or even seriously dating couples, people don't act like you have described. We have couples friends, co-workers who may be of the opposite sex, etc. but there is nothing to hide and everyone knows everyone in these situations. For example we have many neighbors who are married couples and we know both husbands and wives well. There is a certain protocal or process of everyone meeting everyone and establishing friendships so everyone feels comfortable and on the same level and there is no threat of feeling like anyone is cheating around. Not to say it never happens, those with no morals, values or standards may do so, but in those cases there is a troubled home life and most spouses would eventually pick up on it.
I personally, do not know of anyone in commited relationships who has kept "friendships" with ex-partners or ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends. In all of the committed relationships or marraiges I know of, it is considered highly inappropriate. These people reach a maturity level where they "let-go" of all that. The only exception would be dealing with divorced or single-parent homes where ex's exhange the children and any information about the children but everyone is present and aware and there is nothing to hide.
Go with your intuition, it is telling you something that needs work or attention in your life. Are you religious or spiritual? I would encourage you to attempt to discover any spiritual side of yourself at this juncture. If at all possible, begin to read books and authors like Caroline Myss and Louise Hay, even Syliva Browne or Collette Baron-Reid. These people are spirtual life coaches that help guide people through processes that can empower you, discover your own power, truth, love, balance and all the things most of us are searching for. Use any and all community resources to get help to raise the baby.
Please realize how important it is that you raise this new soul in a loving, truthful, safe environment & give her the tools she needs to make it in life and come out happy, healthy and fulfilled. This is going to lay mostly on your shoulders.
As much as you love the father of your baby, his actions and behavior that you have described do not sound commited, authentic or in truth or light.
In all reality M., the divorce rate in this country is more than 50% right now. Real true commitments and relationships require so much work because no matter who you end up with, there are going to be problems to overcome. We all have them, no one is perfect. The point is, the enormous amount of work it takes to form a grounded, rooted, healthy foundation for a family takes two willing people who are willing to make sacrifices, concessions, and give things up to make it work. It is hard for people to do. There has to be a certain balance and both individuals in the relationship have to be willing to work on themselves. Trust in relationships is built this way. I personally beleive the friendship with your partner has to be there or it will never work. Your partner should be your best friend with a lot in common in the way of life goals. There has to be so much more that trancends the physical relationship. Not just raising a baby you two made together. A baby doesn't tie him to you in any other way except that he has a responsibility to help rasie her, she won't be the deciding factor if he is going to make a commitment to you. Do you see what I am driving at?
You may not like hearing all this, but I am offering you my honest opinion here.
Please consider sitting down with him and really trying to have a heart to heart about where he is at, what are his long term goals, is he ready to commit to YOU, where does he see himself in 5 years etc. etc. Ask him if he'd consider counseling with you. Ask him to share parts of himself he's never shared with anyone and gage his response. If he blows this off and doesn't open up, you have your answer. I would approach this after you have sex with him, assuming you have a sex-life with him. Men are more open at that point. :)
Please keep in mind, healthy relationships are not built of trying to force someone into commitment because they made a baby with you. A strong foundation is made of mature individuals who are ready to share a common goal & want to build a life together because they are ready to settle down and create a life together. There are no "games" power-struggles, lies, deceit, with-holding information (which is the same as lieing) or need to control one another.
I really want this to be successful for you and your daughter with or without him. You are strong and you can do it either way! Don't ever doubt that. Use your intuition to make good decisions for you and your daughter. She doesn't need a chaotic househould of yelling, anger, upset and accusations of each other. Hang out with people of like-mind, like-values, like-morals and surround yourself with positive energy!!!
Please email me if you ever need to talk! I am always a good listener.
God Bless you and yours,
In Love & Light,
D.
