It Is a Bad Consequence Not to Take My 5 Year Old Daughter to Disney on Ice?

IMO she should not be punished at all. She's 5 for goodness sake. She is way to young to understand the emotional implications of not including her sister. She was with a friend, she played with that friend. As far as school, kids of all ages have anxiety about school in general. It is normal for kids so young to cry at drop off. Punishing a child for being a child and behaving like a child is just plain cruel.

Really? That's crazy to me.

The consequence for having a rough morning is mom/dad trying to help calm the kid down, not taking away something as amazing as Disney on Ice for a 5 year old.

For the record, I would never even tell my kids and make them EARN something like that. They may have to earn a trip to Sweet Frog or extra time at the park, but they don't have to earn a fun experience like that.

I think that's an awfully big consequence for a 5 year old having trouble going into the school!

Does she often have trouble at dropoff? If she does, she's not alone. Lots of kids, and especially kindergartners, still have trouble at dropoff this time of year. It's a huge adjustment, and I don't believe it should be looked at as a behavior issue, but an emotional milestone.

If you believe she needs a consequence, try no tv or no ipad (or whatever) time tomorrow. Maybe she has to go to bed early. Something simple. But Disney on Ice is a very big deal. This is not an everyday opportunity. There is no way I would use missing this as a consequence.

You might have asked her to be on time so that Daddy could leave early, but that is simply not something she is able to comprehend at this age. They don't understand lolly gagging around is going to make them late. They don't understand not cooperating at bedtime is going make them tired. That is just a concept they cannot grasp yet.

Let her go to the show. I don't know that she needs a consequence, but if you really think she needs one, find something else.

In my opinion...... YES that is TOO strict.

You bought tickets to something you knew they would love to do and you put strings on those tickets that they are to behave "well". No child will behave perfectly well for 2 weeks.

Singling out the 5 year old for punishment is unfair in my opinion. You were not at the teacher's house, you do not know the dynamics of everything that went on and I would assume you are well aware that a 7 year old can manipulate words and actions in order to get her sister in trouble.

She probably made dad late for work due to the pressure put on her to be the perfect child for 2 weeks. At some point, the pressure must be released and it just so happened to be when dad was dropping her off at school. She is 5 for goodness sakes...

When you discipline, don't use threats. If you take the older child and not the younger, you are setting the children up for resentment among each other and you.

I would not use this as a form of discipline.

Yes. It is.
She's 5. They are not fully in control of their emotions. This was not her being defiant, but upset. Even adults struggle with emotions sometimes.
Not to mention that you never mentioned that the event was conditional depending on her behavior.
so, no... I wouldn't even punish for the crying to start with. Let alone not take her to Disney on Ice. That will only serve to create further distance between her and her sister--the opposite of what you are trying to achieve, I think, right?
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OH, and it's completely normal and natural for the girls to ignore each other and prefer the friend over the sister in a situation like that. Especially at their ages. If you felt the need to correct that, you should do it as a teaching moment in advance of the situation coming up. In other words, you weren't expecting it and didn't know this time, but the next time they are going somewhere with other friends to play with, talk to them in advance about how you expect them to behave and include each other. OR warn them that the other sibling may want to spend more time with the friend, that it isn't personal. It goes both ways and it isn't wrong to want to play with the "new" friend who isn't always around. They are the limited commodity. There is a difference between not playing with the sister in favor of the friend, and being RUDE to the sibling so as to play exclusively with the friend. We always allowed preference for the friend, but no rudeness was allowed, and if it was possible to include the sibling, without affecting the activity adversely, then it was kind to do so and we wanted them to consider that.

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Sorry to keep editing. But if you stressed (expressly told her to behave good) to her not to be upset at dropoff, (I'm assuming she is upset enough that you know this is a possibility), then you may have added additional pressure emotionally that was the REASON she lost it. That's a lot of pressure for a 5 year old. And yes, look into why she is so upset at drop-off if it is a regular thing. For some children, it can be just an unpleasant normal part of the process, but there may be things you can day to help eliminate whatever the issues are, if you look and work at it.
If she feels a lot of "pressure to perform" this could be a big part of her reason for being upset at drop-off.

If the only thing your five year old did wrong in two weeks was not play with her sister and get emotional once at drop off, I say you actually have a very well behaved five year old! She sounds like a great kid. Take her to the show and make a memory that will last her entire life.

Yes it would be too hard of a consequence to leave her home. I also think that telling your children to behave well for 2 weeks by hanging Disney on ice over their heads really isn't fair. Do you also tell them that they won't get toys because Santa is watching their behavior? You take children to events so that you can spend time together. Their behavior shouldn't be tied into those events. When you are trying to get them to act the way you think they should act you need to have more concrete rules and guidelines in place. Behave good is too general.

Yes, that is a ridiculously punitive consequence. "You were sad going to school and had feelings, so we're going to leave you out." Wow.... telling a kid to 'behave good' means nothing. Nothing. Kids don't hold these things in their head all day at that age. She's in kindergarten, for heaven's sake.

Please read up on child development. Making her feel terrible and making her pay for being sad is just cruel. Kids generally play in pairs, olders and youngers don't always want their sibs tagging along. This is just part of being kids, respect that they have their own preferences.

And I hope to heaven that if my son were upset and my husband were on the way to work, he'd stop and make sure Kiddo was settled. And my son is 8.5. This morning at the school a child was crying over a misunderstanding which really upset her. I stopped what I was doing and checked in with her, helped her feel better. Caring adults do not penalize their children for being upset and having feelings. If they do--- that's not a world I want to live in. :(

I think I'd be more concerned that she cries that much about going to school than I would be about punishment. Focus your energy on why she's so unhappy with school.

As for what happened at the other house - you don't really know. And in general, it's always hard to have a group of 3 kids play together. Someone always feels left out. Try to arrange groups of either 2 or 4 total kids for playdates. That should be a lesson for the parents (bad parenting decision), not the kids.

Yes, that would be too hard a consequence!!! It would be plain mean IMHO.

Going to Disney on ice will create a lasting childhood memory of fun, happy family time. Conversely, if you leave her home I imagine she will never forget that either.

Enjoy the show with your whole family.

thats a bit much for a 5 yr old. not getting ice cream on the same day as the undesirable behavior would be acceptable for me but not going to a show on a different day is difficult for a 5 yr old to understand.

Wow, I am glad you are not my mom. She is 5, she cried at school drop off (that is so normal) and you want to punish her for it? What does that teach her? That is is not okay to have emotions, to show emotions, or to cry? And yes it is rude to ignore ones sibling, but siblings are also allowed to not want to be together 24/7. While I will always encourage my children to be considerate of each other, I would never punish one for wanting alone time with a friend. You are being way way to harsh, and the fact she is only 5 makes it even worse.

No no NO - Wrong wrong WRONG.
Your kids are not joined at the hip and you should not be punishing them if they do not want to do everything together all of the time.
You let each of them have their space, and time away from each other and their own friends.
They are individuals - treat them like it.

Leaving one child home from the show while taking the other is wrong - and fairly heartless.
I'm having a hard time believing a real mother would suggest doing what you're thinking of doing.
It's WAY over the top punishment for the behaviors they are having which are so typical of their ages.

Way too harsh. My goodness she's 5 years old.

IMO, the time needs to fit the crime. You also don't know what the full deal was. My DD has a friend and some days they play really well together and some days they don't. Unless DD was truly horrible to her friend, I don't hold it against them for having an off day. I think that taking the event away from the girls isn't the right approach and frankly maybe the outing together would be a good bonding moment. I also didn't get along with my sister 100% and that's just people. You say the younger AND her friend played their own games - so it was not just your younger kid and it sounds like she was a closer friend to the girl than the big sis. Sometimes that happens. At the pool recently, one sister wanted to play with DD and the other sister cried about being left out, but then wouldn't do anything to be included in their game. She wanted to change the game. So she got left out. So...basically...there are a lot of factors here.

Don't waste the ticket. Take them both and then consider that there are 2 sides to every story AND the girls are allowed to have individual friends. Maybe next school day off big sis goes to a different friend's house for the day.

Also, being teary when the schedule changes? Let that go. Kid had a tough day.

seriously?
you told them to 'be good' and that's the entirety of their parameters?
and you consider a 5 year old wanting to play with her friend being 'not good'?
and instead of working with big sister on letting the little ones have fun and enjoy each other (what parent doesn't know that threesomes are always trouble?) you want to punish the little one?
and punish her further for crying?
there's nothing about your thought process that's okay with me.
poor little girls. i hope they get their disney on ice, but mostly i hope they get parents who outline SPECIFICS in expected behaviors, and give them actual firm boundaries instead of vague, anxiety-producing, unsustainable edicts like 'be 'good' or else.......'
:P khairete
S.

At that age if one of mine were really misbehaving (like being awful) the consequence might have been "when you can calm down and be kind to us again, you may sit with us to hear the story". (message - if you're unkind, we won't welcome you to join us right now while you carry on.)

I think this is pretty severe, and it's delayed - so she isn't going to put 2 and 2 together. I'm much more into teaching them good behavior than punishing them for something that happened yesterday.

I never expected my kids to include their siblings if they had a friend over. It's nice if they do (and consequently because I never pushed it they tended to play with them part of the time) but it has never been a requirement. They can't gang up on them or be nasty, but playing with their friend by themselves is pretty normal here.

You could use this as an opportunity instead of punishment as more of a "What can we do to make this better next time" kind of learning moment. Our kids tend to include the others once they go outside to play, that kind of thing. I let mine decide between themselves what would work. Make them part of the solution.

This was also at someone else's house right? You weren't there to really observe it. I think it probably should have been dealt with at the time if there was any nastiness. The mom could have pulled out a board game or found a Frisbee, etc. if she really had to. There are so many ways to deal with this kind of thing other than putting it all on a 5 year old.

My child who is older still gets a bit teary from time to time at drop offs - if you had already dealt with upset from day before that morning, she was probably already a bit upset.

A lot for a 5 year old in my opinion. And even my teens - if they are terrible at times - we don't mess with pre-planned big things. I've been angry with one of my kids right up to when we go in, but all is forgotten when we're having a family fun time. I mean, I'm not going to ruin everyone's fun because someone acted up. Trust me if she doesn't go to the show with you, it will be odd for your older daughter and she will miss out on sharing the fun with her sister too.

Good luck :)

No. Too harsh. You should take both your daughters to Disney on Ice. That is too hard of a consequence for the 5 year old, and that consequence does not have anything to do with either incident. Plus, I think you are expecting too much from a 5 year old...they are trying to get a handle on emotions and strong feelings at that age and the adults in their lives need to have more patience with them. For the first "crime" - it is normal to want to play with your friend and not your sibling. I agree it is not nice, and the goal is to teach her to treat her sister with more respect. If she does not treat her big sister with respect she can go have a time out in another room for 5 minutes away from her friend...while her sister and friend get to play together. Then the adult goes in and has a talk with her to make sure she understands why. Then the adult may need to give the 3 girls a little direction to make sure they are playing nicely with a reminder that if one child chooses to be mean to another child they are going to go have a time out (again). This is something to handle right then as it happened. If the mom watching them did nothing about it then she did not learn much. Then you should have given her a talking to about this when she got home and told her how she IS expected to treat her sister (with examples). Then remind her that if this happens again she is not allowed to have any play dates for the next 2 weeks (or a consequence like this). Perhaps in the future let your older daughter bring over one of her friends her own age and that way things are more even and no one feels left out. As for crying before school...this is not something you punish for. I would want to try to figure out why she is so upset and if there is something at school that is bothering her. If it's just a phase for no specific reason then set up a positive reward system for working on good school drop offs. Talk to her about how you want her to work on being more positive about school, talk about all the good things about school and how she cannot make daddy late for work. If she can have good drop offs all week her reward on friday will be x (taken out for an ice cream cone? She gets to pick out the movie for family movie night? She gets to pick out dinner or what game to play with mom and dad?). Try to work on getting her in the habit of having an easier transition entering school in the mornings. But this is not a reason to take away going to see Disney on Ice.

Too hard consequence. She's 5. They both go.

I don't think it's appropriate. First, because a 7 year old and a 5 year old don't have 2 weeks' worth of attention spans. S., because if you're like me, you spent a good amount of money on those tickets and you would really HATE to waste it.

Generally, don't make threats unless you're willing to back them up. Also I don't think a very vague "you have to be good" is going to cut it with kids. You have to be specific. This way set them up to fail. No kids are going to be 100% good for two weeks straight.

My opinion? Quick, give them a chore to do so they can "earn" back their trip to the show. Don't do that every time or they'll think bad behavior is meaningless, they can just pick up their toys and mom will forget about it. But for this time, it is a bandaid. Then next time learn from this and tailor your threats to something you are willing to do.

Too much for a 5 year old.

In the future, make your consequences more reasonable (not a big event you've planned for and paid significant money for and one that's not too far away in time).

Also, in the future, never give a consequence that you're not prepared to act on. When you don't follow through, you completely undermine your authority as a parent.

This time, take your girls to Disney on Ice and called it a parent lesson learned.

To answer your question, it's not a good consequence. It has no logical basis. Additionally, you've used these tickets as a tool of bribery for 2+ weeks. For a 5-year-old, that timeframe feels impossibly long.

Your intentions were good, but the method was a bad choice on your part. You set up the pins and knocked them down. It was doomed to fail all along.

The punishment doesn't fit the crime. I'm not a big fan of punishments that punish me too. LOL. Think of something else while keeping in mind she is only 5 and she is learning how to get along in this world.

Geeez! Surely, you can think of a consequence without ruining a major event for which you already have tickets. 5 is very young. She is still learning. Sounds, to me, that her reaction.to a complicated social situation is in line with what I'd expect from a 5yo. You weren't there to guide her. Do you know this other mom well enough to know she handled this appropriately? Finally, how does leaving her home help her to learn a better way of handling a similar situation?

Telling children to "behave good" does not tell them what "behave good"means. Is the situation you described something that has frequently happened and spent hours in teaching her how to behave? She's five. Kids are not born knowing how to behave. We teach them. We're still teaching them at 18 when they are legally an adult.

I strongly believe not taking her will interfere with her ability to learn from this experience. Not taking her is punishment; not discipline. Discipline teaches. Punishment tells the child you don't believe they can learn. Punishment is parenting by instilling fear. "If I don't do what Mom wants I will lose." Discipline teaches a child how to behave. "Mom wants me learn this. I want to make good choices."

How is not going to Disney a normal consequence for not getting along with someone else?

That seems extreme. I'd take them to it regardless of behaviors. It's a treat and not something based on behaviors.

I think that is a harsh for a child of 5 years old.

I would find something else like grounding or not using the computer or TV. When you make big plans don't use that against the kids if they do wrong because you may not be able to follow through.

Seriously!!! Stop. Your kids have been excited and you have beaten them over the head with those tickets.

Take your kids to the show and have fun.

Here is why I never tied big fun events into consequences: On one hand, yes it's really mean, and kids are NEVER perfect, but also, it doesn't make a huge impact anyway, because it's delayed, not immediate, and the absence of an activity is not a punishment, it's just a void and they happily do something else. So it doesn't serve to make them be good next time you warn them. Although, if ONE kid goes and the other doesn't..that is really really mean for plain old basic daily bad behavior. Too mean really. And ineffective.

Kids don't get "be good all day" (for two weeks??) as a specific command. They can't maintain that. To take away a preplanned trip at night from a morning crying episode won't prevent future bad behavior or serve any purpose.

You should have different, immediate, calmly doled, firm consequences for bad behavior in the moment when it's appropriate (not sure 5 yo playing and leaving sibling out, or crying in morning are all that bad depending on greater context..). And keep fun family activities totally separate.

Let this one go, take both kids, and buckle down better in the future. Also realize what's realistic at age 5. "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campell Matson is a great book for these ages. I never once cancelled plans or events, and we have a pretty much anger-free household, (and anger is never tied to punishment) and my kids are well-disciplined and well-behaved (within the koo-koo-nut kid limits anyway).

IMO: Just WAY too disproprtionate!!!! She's only 5...

Yes, it's too extreme of a consequence. Remember, she's only 5, and she didn't do anything all that terrible. Taking kids to shows is good for their development, and good for the family.

Yes. Besides that, how can one afford to not use a ticket for something like that?