He Peed on His Sister! How to Discipline This Now?

As a mom of a boy who will also be 6 in Oct. I personally think he was just experimenting. Boys will be boys. Disgusting, Yes. but not life threating. the immediate punishment of sending to bed early sent the message loud and clear. The long term punishment of taking away toys is not necessary. Because he will of forgotten why. Maybe that would be best if he were to do it again. But just my opinion.

With my son I susend immediate suspension of video games for the day, and thats punishment enough.

Hi, Melissa,

You are upset to a degree that surely has gotten your son's alarmed attention, and sending him to bed a couple of hours early is an unusually long "time out" for a five-year-old. Don't you think he's been adequately punished? I doubt very much that he'll repeat that performance, and I hope that's your main wish in devising a punishment that fits the crime.

If you wish to drive the screw deeper for the purpose of creating a sense of shame in your child, I expect the ongoing suspension of privileges will help accomplish that, especially when he begs and you withhold, reminding him yet again why he's being punished. But the energy surrounding that scenario is dark and damaging. Shame is not the same thing as conscience, and tends to motivate all kinds of destructive behavior in children and adults.

If I were in your shoes, I'd want to know why I became that furious. It sounds like your son's comic behavior (and it could have been exactly that, to him) has triggered something in you that might be a little over the top (I hope you will excuse my bluntness – my intention is compassion for all persons involved in this). I wonder if you might have a memory connected to deep shame from your own childhood?

You know, parents do well to find opportunities to model forgiveness, too. We insist that our children apologize for all kinds of offenses (whether they actually feel sorry or not), but how often do we show them that we can express regret for our own behavior? A parent saying, "I'm sorry, sweetie, I overreacted last night because I felt so angry," is something kids rarely get to see. And it is an incredibly healing and instructive behavior to model.

I hope you'll consider doing this, and giving him back his privileges, which are more likely to become a source of ongoing resentment than an ongoing opportunity for him to reflect on his crime. He is not yet six years old, and his brain handles everything in a much more immediate way.

I'm not going to sugar coat this response to you. Your reaction is WAY over the top for this behavior problem. Calm down and get over it. Look at all the gross behaviors 5 and 6 years do. Farting and pooing is considered some of the funny things in life to them. Your son will NOT grow positively from the long term punishment you have planned for him....punishment until Sept.8th - WAY TOO LONG!

This is an excellent opportunity to teach him about over reacting - how you over reacted to a poor behavior on his part because you find it so yucky - and you do not want him to ever pee on people, pets or toys. I'd suggest you change your mind about his punishment.

Gross changes as we get older. My 6, 8 and 12 year old nephews where throwing small dead fish at the girls last week as a joke...they thought it was funny. Of course they were stopped, but they still had NO problems picking up multiple dead fish. (These were the dead fish that died on Lake Washington couple weeks back because of the extreme heat we had)

Wishing you smiles!

M.

I taught first grade for 13 years, and have first hand experience with 6 year old boys' sense of humor. It is weird--very weird.

Tell him it that particular behavior will never happen in your house again. I think your restriction is appropriate.

Then, go to the library or bookstore and find weird 6 year old boy humor books. (take him with you) And magic books. They love them. Let him tell the jokes to you again and again. To your husband, to you neighbor, etc. Find new books. This will last until he's eight or nine.

Your husband will probably have more insight than you about this. Ask him to guide you, after all he was a six year old boy once.

If you must scream go into the car, roll up the windows, drive around the block and scream there. Six year old boys are weird--very. Good luck.

Oh dear, Melissa-- how awful, how funny- how gross - how '''6'''. I promise you this does NOT look to him the way it looks to you-- in your eyes this is a deliberate defiance not only of your rules--- but of your family culture. Both the action and the lying seem just so over the top you can't imagine how to appropriately consequence his actions. I actually believe that going to bed two hours early and knowing how upset you and his dad are is plenty of consequence--- to me -- removing his toys is overkill ( he ''did'' the offense on Monday-- how does he look back in two weeks and say -- '''oh, yeaah'''--now I remember why I still don't have my things'' -- he wont think that way-- he's six. Six year olds do not know how gross all of us grownups think body fluids are-- they have a clue - but they don't '''get'' it --- I suspect he really did do it to make her laugh--- and wow- did it blow up in his face-. He could tell how grossed out you were- so he lied to keep out of trouble-- which o'course made everything WAYYYY more of a problem. sigh--- some day your family will laugh- but for now--- I'd consider shortening the time without WII and Leapster- but you sure do have the right to make THAT call--
Blessings,
I promise- he'll grow up polite and civilized.

Promise
Old Mom- aka--J.

You have to recognize that the associations YOU have toward this behavior are very different from his own. You see it as very degrading behavior, which it would be if an ADULT had done so. Had you formerly told him NOT to pee on his his sister? If not, then it is not a case of disobedience, either.

Here's how I would have responded. I would have used my stern voice and said, "No! Pee goes in the toilet only! You do not pee on anything or anybody else." I would have had him clean up the mess he made and apologize to his sister. That would be it.

At this point, I think you need to apologize to HIM for overreacting. Just use a calm voice and explain yourself. Say I was very upset and I didn't know how to handle that situation. But you know now where pee goes, right? In the toilet! Then that's all we need to say about it.

I would not risk peeing on him because he might like it! He might think it tickles!

I commend you for seeking advice because I know we all have issues that send us over the edge and I know I've been overly harsh sometimes.

ps regarding the lying: I mean, he could probably tell how angry you were and so his lying could be seen as self-protection against your wrath. I would let it go and just be on the lookout for other examples of lying where that is not an issue. I don't think little kids think of lying in the same way adults do. In his brain, he may have just been seeking a way to make you feel better.

It's easy to get angry out of protectiveness for a younger sibling (esp. a little girl!) but like Peg said, I would look more closely at the amount of anger in comparison to the "crime". It sounds like he may have been building up to this with many other actions, that have been upsetting you. My son is 2 yrs older than my daughter and I started to get angry at him a lot out of protectiveness for my daughter. It turns out he was trying to get my attention when he needed a new diaper, food, attention, or a nap but didn't want to have to tell me about it. It's easy to forget how young the older sibling really is, but it's important not to get sucked into the anger and go down that dark tunnel. Remember how cute he is going to look at 6 when he is 18 or 35... I would find a way to reconcile with his immature ability to communicate his needs to you, so that you can preserve a better relationship with him and not dent his childhood with constant anger.

Hi Melissa,
It's easy to get upset over things like this, but pick your battles. It sounds like he wasn't the only one lieing if your daughter said she stuck her arm in the tank...

Tell your son you still love him and you're sorry for getting so upset. Then explain why it wasn't a good idea and that you expect him to never do it again. Chances are, he is feeling awful right now and needs your reassurance.

I have to laugh because I don't know any little boy that has not done this at some point! Come on, they have a fire hose to play with... they're gonna use it!!!
While it's nasty, and you have to feel sorry for your daughter, I have to say I believe you are over reacting just a little. Think about this... he is 6, right? How long is his attention span? Like an hour, at most? Do you honestly think by Sept. 8 he is going to have any clue why he had all that taken away? And does his punishment fit his crime? Does peeing on his sister have anything to do with the video games?
I strongly believe in one punishment. You sent him to bed two hours early... that's a pretty big one in itself for a 6 year old. I would advise at this point, to simply talk to him about it... explain why it was wrong, get his thoughts on it now that he knows it's wrong, and let it be a learning experience for him.

It is so tough to figure out appropriate discipline, especially when the behavior so fires us up. I know there have been a few times my 6 yr old daughter has acted up in ways I could have sworn she knew better. Maybe your son does know better, but still I think a 6 yr old lacks the maturity to have self-control & make intelligent choices 100% of the time. I know my daughter has done some outright dangerous stuff 'cause she "wanted to make her sister laugh." Maybe your son denied his actions, because he sensed your anger. In my humble opinion, take a deep breath, apologize to your son for overreacting, & reiterate the seriousness & inappropriateness of what he did. Make sure he understands its not ok & move on.

I think you got some really good advice. I just want to add that when you react so strongly, it gives him negative attention. You want to make sure he doesn't get in the habit of enjoying that and wanting more negative attention.
I personally think the time in his room was enough and time appropriate to the "crime". I would have talked to him before sending him to his room and tell him it's not ok to lie and because of that and what he did he needs to go right to bed now. At that point I would have moved on.

Couple things... I think the level of discipline you have already given is probably sufficient for a 6 yr old and this particular 'offense'. Also, I know it sounds & IS very gross that he peed on her but... urine is sterile, so it really not as unsanitary as it seems. I would say leave it alone and see what happens. If he is a repeat offender, then you should probably discipline a bit more.

I don't agree with the people that are saying this is FUNNY. There is nothing funny about being urinated on. It is gross, inappropriate, disrespectful, and I would bet that your 6yo KNOWS BETTER. But I don't have boys, so I can't speak to "regular" boy behavior.

However, that said, I think the bigger issue is the lying.

I think your punishment is appropriate but may be a little long. The time should fit the crime. Maybe a week or two of suspended privileges instead of a full month. Make sure he understands that 1) his behavior was highly inappropriate and it WILL NOT ever happen again and 2) lying about anything IS NOT TOLERATED in your home--this is the first warning, next time punishment for lying will be more severe.

Good luck.

In my personal opinion, you have disciplined him. you sent him to bed 2 hours early - you have taken away his leapster and his wii. I think it is pretty easy to assume that he is aware that lies and peeing on his sister are not acceptable behaviors. Do you think you have to keep punishing him? Perhaps one more "calm talk" to discuss appropriate actions now that everyone is calm.

Now, if it happens again - then new and different discipline is definitely called for.

Have fun, sounds like you have your hands full!

You took away his Leapster and Wii and sent him to bed two hours early. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. How many times are you going to punish him for this. YOU PUNISHED HIM ALREADY.
Now start reading books on child development and psychology and how to raise children. You can get information on library story time, events for children and making projects at home.
If you are a SAHM be one. Find educational events in the community that suit both your children. Make them each other's friend and you won't have fighting and bickering to put up with.

Melissa - I totally get your anger. I saw the response below mine and have to think that she is a nut. She verbally attacked you and basically said that you're not a good mom. Seriously, that's not what she was asking....whether or not you think she needs to read parenting books and make her kids "friends"....she wants to know what to do about her kid that peed on the other kid. That's it. Shame on you for being so snappy and judgemental.
Okay, here's my opinion. YUCK! Your son TOTALLY knew what he was doing. How do I know? I have a son who is 6 too. He would know that peeing on someone is wrong! I think taking away the leapster and Wii is a GREAT idea. He will remember EVERY SINGLE TIME he asks to play that peeing is innapropriate. It's not "negative attention"....it's punishment. That's what we are supposed to do as parents. Teach, punish, love, direct....all of the above.
Good for you for sticking with your original punishment. Ignore the negative comments from below responder....Seriously, I'm amazed she even had the "hutzpah" to write that!
Good Job Mama....L.

Yes, it is gross, but funny. And your son probably saw only the funny part of it. One afternoon I caught my son and his best friend peeing together on each other and all over my just sparkly cleaned bathroom using their pee as light sabers (both big Star War fens). It took me 4 hours the same morning to scrub every single inch of this very same bathroom and I do that 2-3 times per year. That wasn't just a regular quick cleaning, it was a cleaning nightmare. You can't even imagine how mad I was! But it was FUNNY and the first thing I did was laughing. Well, I couldn't punish them after that and later I was glad that I didn't. The THING was funny, creative, experimental and very 5ish old boyish one. Boys will be boys even when they are 50. When I told the story to my husband he couldn't understand how can I be angry at something sooo funny and sooo cool like that. I do understand your anger and your feelings toward your offended (probably only in your eyes) pretty little girl. We do expect our little boys to behave like good little girls and when they become our husbands we are getting upset because they still behave like little girls. Well, the manhood starts with the first testosterone kicking around 3. So, please, don’t punish him for being a boy. Next time look from his perspective. And about not admitting the true… yesterday there were quite few very good mom’s answers on the subject. Have a good day!

I can understand your feelings about this but I have to agree with 90% of the other moms, "let the punishment fit the crime." I think what he did was gross and not ok, but your reaction and punishment was waaaaay over the top. It happens. We are only human and get caught up in punishing out of strong emotions like anger. But we, as adults, also need to recognize when we have overreacted and then apologize for it. It is one of the hardest things for us to do but shows the most strength when we do it.
I love the fact that my husband can admit when he is wrong (sometimes it can take an hour or so but he gets there). It shows such strength of character and I know he must have learned this from his parents. What an awesome opportunity for you to REALLY teach your son something very valuable.
As for punishment for what he did... For the peeing, I would have told him sternly that we don't pee on people or things, only in the toilet, and then made him help clean up the mess and his sister. Then, for the lying, sending him to bed 2 hours early would suffice or a day without his video games. However, the LENGTH of time of the punishment you gave him really isn't matching with what his "crime" was. It sounds like this punishment is more based on how angry he made you rather than what he actually did. And punishment based on emotion is never a really clear guideline for a child. He can't know what things will make you angrier than others. It's better to base your punishments on a more consistent outline, and especially after you are calm and have thought things through.
I hope that this doesn't make you angry and I am not trying to judge you or say you are a bad parent. I don't think that by any means. Parenting is hard. And I am assuming since you posted for help that you truly are wanting advice and a check on your reactions. Hopefully, you will see this for what it is...just a gentle bit of advice and help in reply to your post. Good luck and remember that your 6 year old son is still VERY little yet. He will make many, many more mistakes (as we all did when we were young). ;)

Well, just so you know, your son is not the only kid who has done this. Yuck, I know, but I have heard a similar story TWO other times! I don't know that I have any ideas for discipline on it... My only child is a 14 month girl and my students are 8 and 9 and at school, so discipline would look MUCH different. However, I jokingly told a mom that was telling me the story to tell him if he did it again she would make him wear a diaper because he couldn't handle going to the bathroom appropriately. Well, she told him that! Never happened again... Just an idea. Good luck!

I am more concerned about the tank not having a lid on it and the safety issue that lies there.

I can't help but laugh a little! I know it's not cool...but this is life with preschoolers! He still does not understand the effects of his actions. He does not have the capability to think through his actions...unfortunately they just act on impulse. I wouldn't be too hard, but make sure he understands that what he did was not okay, and if he ever does it again, the consequences will be worse. I think that is all you can do! Take it in stride. You will deal with worse things!