Is This Normal? - San Jose,CA

In a nice way put him on a sexercise program, he would feel better if you guys started messing around again, that's what he really needs.

Have you every heard of the book 100 days of sex (or something like that). Its about a couple that committed to having sex for 100 days straight even if they didn't want too, it brought their relationship to a whole new level.

Now, I don't expect you to go from every other month to everyday, but my husband and I went through a time after our second that i just didn't want it at all. I hated my body, I was tired all the time and I just felt gross. We decided to do a 30-day condensed version of the theory. I believe to this day that it saved us. I can't begin to tell you how or why but it did. We are intimate between 1 and 3 times a week regularly.

First thing first, get that adorable baby out of your bed. :)

Have you tried sex elsewhere? The kitchen, the stairs, the couch, the shower, up against a wall in the hallway. You may be a lot more experienced or naturally inclined to sex than your husband (and men rarely if ever want to admit to not knowing something, ESP with sex). Try purposefully seducing him. I know that's 'supposed' to be their "job"... but yah know... when *I'm* the one on the war path I've shaved, brushed my teeth, smell pretty, and am halfway to vavoom.

Kids nap and kids sleep. USE those times when you're not all done in from your day. Coordinate a lunch at home (afternoon delight was WRITTEN by parents... not beatup from the day yet, and kids are sleeping, VICTORY). Or on a mother's day out program... go snag your hubby from work for a makeout session in the car.

If you're as compatable in every other arena, my BET is that you can BECOME compatible sexually. He might just need a little bit of prompting. Get those hormones flowing, and practice makes perfect as far as technique goes.

TMI (really? is there such a thing as TMI with sex?)

MOAN when he does something right. Tell him 'that's so hot' or 'lurve it when you do that' when he hits on an area you adore. If he's out in left field out and out tell him 'nibble on my ears' or "bite my neck" or "flick your tongue" or "kiss me ______ (hard, gently, etc.)", or "pull on my back, no, no like this" and then MELT into him. Move his hands where you want them, boss him around (;) and he won't even notice 99 times out of 100, because "he's" doing it to you and you're reacting to what "he's" doing.

Go for OVERLY DRAMATIC vocal eyerolling "kudos" when he hits those sweet spots. Men often need street signs. You won't have to do them for long, but in the beginning major kudos will cement the "trick" in his mind. In after glow feel free to tell him parts that you loved. <laughing> Just don't do it all at once. Maybe 1 new trick every few weeks.

I've had that "perfect" sex partner a couple times, but the vast majority of people need to learn. I've had sooooooo much more success with a husky voice in situ than as a "serious" conversation before or after (which makes them nervous/ defensive/ sad/ etc.

Shape him into the god you want him to be. :) And after a few months, you won't even have to shape him anymore. He'll BE perfect. Or durn close to.

It's been my experience that when you have young children, then your sex life may take a back seat for a while because children can take up a lot of your energy and time. Add onto that work pressures and housework, it's no wonder why one or the other is not in the mood by the time the kids are in bed and you finally have time for adult time. I don't think it has to be this way all the time and I don't think this is the way it has to be for the rest of your life. For now, while the kids are still young, I would suggest doing what you can to schedule it into your life some more. Hire a babysitter and go out for a date night. Don't come home until after your child is asleep. If your children are in school or pre-k, maybe you and hubby can meet up at home while the kids are in school so that you can get some more quality one-on-one time.

I do have to say though, that there's a difference between sex in your 20's and pre-kids and sex as you get older and after kids. You may not have as torrid of a sex life as you had then but you can still have something that is equally as exciting but a little bit more mature. But your sex life is always going to be what you make of it. If you invest the time in a pre-bedtime massage here, nice lingere there, flirting throughout the day, you may find that the two of you can have a lot of fun and passion together.

Hope this helps.

That is something you and him need to discuss, how you feel about the lack of sex/passion in your relationship. No one else can really solve this.

Conflict and tension make for great sex. The two of you may be so compatable that the spark isn't there. Surprise him, in some way. Sex doesn't have to happen in bed and at night, so the co-sleeping is not really a reason.

You probably also know this, but he also needs to see a doctor about the sleep disorder. There are treatments for that, and untreated sleep disorders can lead to high blood pressure and other physical problem.

There could be several things at work here. He probably had body issue, which might be resulting in depression, or health issues. Has he been to a Dr. to get a physical, lately? The Dr. would also probably ask about his mood and feelings. Lack of sleep, and inadequate sleep is HUGE. His body could simply be running on empty. Is his sleeping disorder getting actively treated?? You said, "i left my ex husband of 3 years for my current husband." Does that mean your relationship with your current husband, was an affair? (I couldn't tell from your wording.) If your relationship, is a result of an affair...that can bring it's own problems. Despite all the wonderful things about your relationship, he could be insecure in your marriage. Often men will think if you could leave you husband for him, what's stopping you from leaving for someone else. I'm not saying you would, but I have known several people who had relationships from affairs, and those feelings always came up. Especially, if one of the partners had very bad self esteem.

I REALLY think you need to figure out a way to bring this up to him. You say you have great communication, but you can't talk to him about this? That is very poor communication. Just tell him love him, are attracted to him, and you crave more intimacy with him. Ask him if something might be bothering him, or if he is unhappy in your sex life. You HAVE to talk to him about this. It WILL affect your marriage, because you are not satisfied. If you can't talk to him about this, I wonder if you are idealistic about your marriage...and it's not as wonderful as you believe. This is part of communication, and you don't know how to communicate this to him...that's a big problem.

I suggest that getting a complete physical is the place to start. You say he's not comfortable with his weight and has a sleeping disorder. Taking care of these two thing will help a lot! A part of the physical should be a test for hormone levels, perhaps for both of you. Be honest with the doctor and say that you're wondering why you're not having sex very often. It could very well be physical/health reasons that are causing this.

I suspect that not just any doctor would be helpful but I don't know how to find one that is trained and experienced in this area. Perhaps the California Medical Association could make a referral.

Hi A., I have a very good friend, Dr Heather Howard, who runs the Center for Sexual Health and Rehabilitation in San Francisco (http://www.sexualrehab.com/) and she could really help you. She's a doctor, a professional and not some hippy who's going to have you chanting while you have sex or something. She helps all sorts of people - individuals and couples - and she would certainly be worth giving a call to discuss your issues and how she can help. Good Luck and I really hope you two work it out. x D.

I made similar choices so I understand. When you have a baby or toddler it takes an effort to make time for sex. Can you get the baby out of your bed and into a crib (even in the same room)? Maybe you can talk and set a goal (once a week except during your period?). Even if you don't go all the way every time at least you have the time penciled in. Also kiss/tease/make out whenever you get the chance (everyone wants to feel desired).

I have to tell you if you are not getting good sleep and you are insecure about your weight or any challenges that are in the picture you will not have passion in your relationship. When you correct it the relationship changes.
I work with individuals with the wellness home concept that address, sleep, nutrition, environment and fitness.
If you want more info email me and I will give you an invite to our next event in San Jose.

Happy Mothers Day.

N. Marie
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My opinion is that sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. Hubby and I had a great sex life before kids and then after... not as much. But we were committed to keeping the fire alive even though we were exhausted most nights. We don't necessarily have it as frequently as we use to, but the "quality" is still there! We make "dates" and stick to them! Sticking to them is the hard part. Even if you're really really tired, suck it up and have some fun. After whoopie I've NEVER wished I'd gone to sleep instead. I've heard about the book someone mentioned - I'd give that a try.