Is This My Problem or His?

You might be correct that you are "putting the eggshells there." He's told you to ignore his bad moods -- you need to take him at his word.

Just tell him to keep his bad moods to a minimum because no one should be subjected to others' bad moods on a regular basis.

To me, the best marriages involve knowing when to leave the other person alone.

When either myself or DH are in bad moods, stressed, etc... We know. And we have found that putting pressure on the other person to snap out of it is a recipe for failure and a huge fight.

So to me, you need to learn to leave it and him alone, and let him stew. It's not about you, and you can't help. So just avoid it and him until he's free of it.

And personally, if my son were bouncing around the room, and DH didn't take him out when I was trying to sleep, I'd be mad, too.

Some people aren't morning people. Your son is big enough to whisper in the room when someone is still asleep or for you to tell him to go to the living room and you will be there in a few minutes.
My husband is grumpy in the middle of the night, we have spoken about him J. letting M. deal with middle of the night issues with our daughter. He isn't logical at that hour and never remembers what he says.

Based only on your example, I would be annoyed too. Five years old is plenty old enough to learn how to be respectful of others. If I was sleeping and one of the kids came in I would expect my husband to shush them, with a simple reminder, "whisper please, mommy is sleeping, loud voices are for outside."
There needs to be a balance, and maybe you're the kind of person who handles noises and distractions better than him.
Not knowing what else is going on it's hard to say, but the two of you should really just sit down and talk about it, during a calm, quiet time, over a glass of wine.

Your husband sounds stressed. Just because something is normal at any given age doesn't mean it can't be annoying or shouldn't be corrected.

You could have told your son to 'please use a whisper voice while we are waking up'. If my son was yelling while I was asleep, I'd be pissed off too. We have taught our son that you don't get to wake up sleeping people unless there is an emergency, you are hurt, bleeding, throwing up, etc. It's rude and inconsiderate and your husband had every right to be annoyed. It's a natural consequence if you think about it. He's not two, he's not three-- he's old enough to come in quietly to check in with you.

Maybe you both have different expectations of your son? I would have told my son to use a whisper voice and taken him out if *I* didn't have the expectation that a five year old is capable of being quiet enough, not expected the sleeping person to just be cool with being wakened. Being abrupt or angry is a pretty natural response. I hate being wakened 'just because'.

You say your husband is busting his hump to get his work done, and he sounds stressed out. I don't think you need to walk on eggshells, but I do think your son needs some boundaries. Maybe your husband can set up an 'office' in a quiet part of the house so they don't disrupt each other.

Also, maybe it's time to talk to a counselor. Sometimes, people are stressed and need better coping mechanisms. Does he feel that you have his back when it comes to discipline? It can be hard when one parent feels like they are addressing unwelcome behaviors when the other parent seems to be ignoring it or letting it go. So, when you can get a date or find some child-free, stress-free time, try to problem-solve with your guy. What is the thing he's finding most annoying-- and tell him you will help in addressing that. Even if it isn't your hill to die on, back him up because it might be worth it in the long run.

I'll also say this: five is time for kindergarten. It's time to have some age-appropriate, reasonable expectations. Kindergarten teachers, too, may focus on behaviors you feel are 'fine', and they will also need your back. This is a part of kids growing up-- it's not all about them.

You need to teach your son some boundaries, and to simply be respectful of others. Five is not two, he should understand their are times to keep your voice down, movies, church, school, restaurants and when daddy is sleeping! I would have been pissed too, especially if I was already stressed with work.
Beyond that, just talk to him. He probably doesn't see things exactly the same way as you and your need to make sure you are both being heard. Like if you are the kind of person that tolerates noise and chaos well but he is not then you're going to have to make some compromises.

A little of both... Your son is old enough to lower his voice. You guys probably should have quickly left the room. If your husband is stressed at work, he NEEDS his sleep. I'd be po'd too if I was him. But I'm a bit like your husband. It's a fault of mine and of your husband's too but no one is perfect. If he tells you to ignore his moods vs he thinks you should cater to him, then he's not really being a jerk. He just handles stress in a certain way - not optimal but hopefully he tries to control it. Btw - does he work out? My husband has said if he didn't when he's stressed at work, he'd have killed someone by now. And my husband is NOT an uptight guy. It'd be great if your husband didn't get like this and likely he tries but is stressed. You should be able to ignore it some if he's actually telling you to. I think there are husbands on here who wouldn't say that. They would blame the wife and children and think they didn't have any part of it. That's infuriating. I know it's tough to be on the other side of someone crabby but try to give him a hug sometimes when he's being like this. Say "you're being a jerk but I know you're stressed. Everything will be ok." and give him a hug. And let him vent for a certain amount of time when he gets home each evening. Really vent. I have some stress going on and just cried last night for 5-10 min and it helped and it really helped for my husband to validate how I felt vs tell me to calm down or what I could do differently. Men typically don't cry though. So he needs another outlet. Give him some real venting time and he may be less testy after. My husband also could go on and on and on and on about work stuff. I did tell him enough. So he's shortened it all. But he still gets it out. I'm not sure men talk to each other at work as much. I vent to coworkers. My husband doens't. Maybe bc he's management. So your husband may need an outlet. Long answer but overall I think it's a bit everyone's fault... Life isn't perfect and it just blows up sometimes.

Your son needs to learn to lower his volume when daddy is sleeping, but your husband needs to learn to act like an adult and understand that sometimes kids don't retain everything we tell them the first time, and need to be reminded repeatedly before it sticks.

The book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus States you should treat a man like a tornado when he is in a bad mood and "lay low".

Your husband is right that you should probably just ignore him. Don't let his crankiness become your issue. To be honest, your husband's reaction to being woken up by a loud kid sounds reasonable. Your son does need to work on learning how to whisper or go in another room.

On the other hand, if your husband is really being unreasonable and angry then there's no reason why you can't confront him about it.

It sounds like your having trouble balancing the needs to your husband and your son because your husband needs a little more time/understanding from you lately.

I would enlist your son's help. He's five, and letting him know what's going on in a cheerful "we all work together" way will make him feel like part of the solution rather than a problem child. Sit down with your five-year-old and tell him Daddy has a lot of important work right now and that means you all need to help him by being extra polite and remembering to use manners, letting him sleep peacefully, and just being the great kid you know he is.

Then talk to your husband. Tell him what you told your son and ask him to try to say something appreciative if he notices your son trying a little more than usual.

Then relinquish your role as peacekeeper and try not to be infected by your husband's stress.

I would have been mad at your son, too. It is disrespectful. Have you taught him about quiet voices? My husband has always worked nights, and I had to teach my boys from the get go about keeping quiet voices in the house, and being respectful of their father sleeping. My dog even knows he can't bark during the day! He snorts when he wants to bark. You need to stop being scared to confront things, or you will have a miserable time in life. Especially if you don't want to upset your child by disciplining him.

Is it your problem or his? The answer is yes.

Your husband is stressed over his work. You're stressed over the tension at home. Your son is probably stressed over Mama and Daddy being mad at him and telling him to keep his voice down when he hasn't really learned how to do that.

That may be the place to start. Can you both agree? The way to teach your son to keep his voice down is to keep your own voices down, even when you feel like raising them. In fact, make it a point to make your voices get lower when your emotions get higher! Practice speaking to each other in soft voices - even in whispers (which can be fun for a five-year-old). Go overboard with it to make it funnier. But get the habit (takes at least three weeks) of speaking in lowered voices, no matter what, unless the house in on fire.

It may surprise you both that when you choose not to raise your voices, the tension will be reduced in all of you. No, it doesn't solve the problems, especially the ones at work. But it helps to allay anger and defensiveness to an extent. When you don't express yourself in vocally violent ways, you're a little less likely to take your feelings out on everybody else. You find you can still see one another as people rather than (temporary) adversaries.

Tell your husband that you love him and you want to encourage him when things are rough at work. Tell him that, because he means so much to you, you cannot ignore his bad moods. If he needs to get rid of some anger, he needs to take a walk, go to the gym, or do something else along that line. He needs to learn how to be at home when he is at home. If he'll be willing to learn how to do that, you'll be willing to be his chief encourager and, well, to forgive him when he slips.

I can't help with your husband's work stress or your reaction to tension, but one problem that you can solve is the 5 year old's volume and behavior.

He is old enough to learn to be considerate of others. Coming into your room at top volume when others are sleeping in the morning is something you need to teach him to not do anymore. In this particular example, your husband is not unreasonable to be annoyed at him. Your son needs to know that it is not okay.

I taught my kids from an early age that when other people in the house are sleeping, they must try to keep their own noise making down. Are they perfect? Heck no. I've also handed out consequences when they were clearly making no effort to be quiet. Most of the time, they do try.

I would tell him that you can't just ignore his bad moods. If you are like me, you are tuned into his moods and acutely aware of when he's annoyed or not. The further thing is if he is annoyed (as we can all be sometimes) is it the annoyance or the threat of something like him blowing up that is the real issue? I would teach your son to speak quietly or go to another room (my DD is loud, too) and generally be respectful of people first thing in the morning. And then talk to your DH about this plan and make sure you are both on the same page about it. I once told my DH, "Do you realize you just radiate when you are mad? Do you have any idea how you affect the whole house? Can you go to the rec room and cool off vs stomping around the house expecting people to telepathically know what you want?"

It's kind of both of your issue. You are choosing to walk on eggshells and allow his agitation to control you, and he is using his agitation as a controlling tool.

Y'all need to talk about this. Take ownership of what is yours in this situation and be responsible for it. You don't have to and are not required to fix everything, and your husband ought not feel okay with using his bad moods as an excuse to get others to do his bidding.

There are a couple of excellent books out there that you might like: "Walking on Eggshells" and "Codependent No More." Both are so helpful in learning to identify where your feelings start and end, and how you can place boundaries and navigate the world in a healthy way.

Best to you.

My 5 year old niece has no volume control either and it is anything but cute. It's the most annoying thing, but I love her insanely, so I deal with it, in small doses. I would have been annoyed if I was your husband too. Sorry, but that's something you guys should try to work on.

You and your husband need to talk too. There's no reason to walk on egg shells. Tell him what you need, let him tell you what he needs. Communicate. And if that need is some alone time, so be it.

It's not a matter of who is right and who is wrong. You're just different. You expect your husband to be as upset by conflict as you are, and to try to avoid it, like you do. He expects you to brush things off and ignore them, like he does.

The fact is, you are not each other, and you shouldn't try to be.

Realize that life will be more stressful, and contain more conflict, than you're comfortable with. Ask your husband to please try not to voice criticism or impatience every time he feels the need, because it truly upsets you. Each of you needs to give a little and get a little.

Hang in there!

well, the bigger picture is that there's stress in the household right now, so you both need to work on ways of communicating and supporting each other so that you both feel heard, and as if you're partners and not antagonists during the inevitable stressful phases.
the little picture is that yes, a 5 year old is plenty old enough to learn about outside voices and inside voices.
you shouldn't feel as if you have to walk on eggshells, but your husband also should be allowed to have an occasional bear-ish mood. he needs to be more considerate, and you need to learn to speak up and assert yourself.
khairete
S.

I believe that no one forces us to walk on eggshells. That is a response for which we have to take responsibility. It is, after all, how WE CHOOSE to respond to their behavior.

Your son needs to learn to use his "inside voice". You have to enforce that. (I notice when my 3yo is too loud for what's going on, and I stop him.)

I don't like that your husband is so annoyed that he's lashing out at the 5yo. Maybe you can be more of a buffer until this particularly stressful period is over. Of course, it's okay for your son to see that his father can be annoyed--even with him--but, at 5, he doesn't understand that it's not about him, and that can set up a rough foundation.

It sounds like he is grumpy & you are putting yourself on eggshells hoping
to keep the peace.
Here's the deal.....you are not solely responsible for another human beings actions, attitude or happiness.
Sounds like he's grumpy and on edge.
Why? Something happen to him at work?
See if you can find the root of the problem then lightly try to broach the
subject with him.
If he won't open up, tell him that's fine he doesn't have to talk about it but
you're going to quit walking on eggshells around him and HE needs to
quit blowing up at you and your son.
He needs to decide what the issue is & fix it.
He can do it alone, go see a counselor etc.
In the meantime, take your son & do something fun like go to the park or
the indoor park at your local mall if you have one.
I know my husband has turned into a grumpy old man & I've had to set
him straight telling him that I have rights as a person wether he thinks so
or not. This isn't the 1500's. When he tells you that "you should learn
to ignore his bad moods" retort by telling he "should learn to be nice &
quit blowing up".
My husb has turned into a yelling, grumpy old man. I've started standing up to him.
My husb spoils his dtr & is mean to our son & by golly......I'm definitely going to stand up for our son. He's younger than his dtr & deserves to be
treated like a little boy. Not have his grumpy dad yell at him.
Hope this helps.

Updated

It sounds like he is grumpy & you are putting yourself on eggshells hoping
to keep the peace.
Here's the deal.....you are not solely responsible for another human beings actions, attitude or happiness.
Sounds like he's grumpy and on edge.
Why? Something happen to him at work?
See if you can find the root of the problem then lightly try to broach the
subject with him.
If he won't open up, tell him that's fine he doesn't have to talk about it but
you're going to quit walking on eggshells around him and HE needs to
quit blowing up at you and your son.
He needs to decide what the issue is & fix it.
He can do it alone, go see a counselor etc.
In the meantime, take your son & do something fun like go to the park or
the indoor park at your local mall if you have one.
I know my husband has turned into a grumpy old man & I've had to set
him straight telling him that I have rights as a person wether he thinks so
or not. This isn't the 1500's. When he tells you that "you should learn
to ignore his bad moods" retort by telling he "should learn to be nice &
quit blowing up".
My husb has turned into a yelling, grumpy old man. I've started standing up to him.
My husb spoils his dtr & is mean to our son & by golly......I'm definitely going to stand up for our son. He's younger than his dtr & deserves to be
treated like a little boy. Not have his grumpy dad yell at him.
Hope this helps.

Well, dad is asleep and you allow kiddo to come in and wake him up? That's disrespectful to him. Kiddo should not have come into your room when someone is asleep unless he's sick or needs immediate assistance.

How would you feel if hubby let kiddo do this to you all the time? If he came in during the night and woke up hubby then stood there talking on high volume. You'd be ticked off they didn't go into another room right away. So hubby had a point. He should be allowed to sleep when it's his sleeping time.

As for kiddo, noise is one of the most piercing stressful things that can go on. If you take a noise stress test you'd probably test off the scale. I did.

I didn't know until I took that stress test in college how much noise I was enduring.

I lived close to Will Rogers Airport, I had a dishwasher, I had central heat and air, there were children outside playing all day, I lived by a highway and on a busy road, and I had a toddler who was very loud.

I scored the highest in my class and the professor said he'd never had anyone score that high before.

Noise is the one thing I can't handle well. Once I found that I had such a high noise sensitivity I moved to a much quieter area and my life was much more calm, I hardly ever lost my temper or had any stress issues.

Hubby may just be at his limit to noise. Kiddo's voice and toys and TV if he watches it and more.

Please take into consideration that he may need something to block noise in the bedroom, maybe a sound machine or even ear plugs.

Getting better rest and more quiet, even when he's awake he can use noise cancelling ear covers/plugs so he can have more quiet. Then he's not going to notice kiddo's noise so much.