Is My Husband's Involvement Acceptable?

He chose his work. You chose yours.
It is not working.... and you have valid reasons for all the mega frustrations.

Maybe, sit down with him... and try all your might, and him too... to talk about it. Have you guys done that?

And yah, he SHOULD be taking your calls... and telling you what is going on. He's a Man with a Wife and family... and well that is all a part of the responsibility. It is more than irritating.
WHAT IF, it were an "emergency' with you or the kids???
He is a part of a "group"...ie: the family and a Husband. So, any individual's actions... within that "group" or couple... HAS TO incorporate... the needs and requirements... of that role AND with the "group" in mind. Not just thinking about... himself.... the individual.
He is a "Dad" and a "Husband" and that... entails.... thinking above and beyond.... one's self.

But to me... it does not have to do with... who makes more money than the other Spouse... nor who then, wields more.... say, in any matter....

Some men, cannot, multitask... with the demands of a family/Wife... like a woman can. Not that that is an excuse. Because your Husband... seems to consciously... ignore your calls....

Maybe you both see a Counselor... or a mediator....

all the best,
Susan

To help with scheduling, you may want to consider MobileMe - a calendar that is synced w your computers and iPhones. It has helped my husband and I with scheduling. You can also share photos and documents( hello grocery list!)

I hope things improve for you.

hmmmmm you sure he is not having an affair? I am the primary breadwinner, but myhusband does keep in close touch withme about schedule. Good luck!
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Reading your post I noticed you made a couple of comments about income -- one saying you're the primary breadwinner, and another that implied you would be okay with bad communication in a marriage where the wife was a SAHM with nannies, personal cooks, etc. Why would that be okay? Wouldn't it be just as bad of a relationship? Regardless of income? Why does it matter that you make more money then your husband?

Something I am wondering -- if you emasculate your husband by making him feel like he falls short since you make more then he does -- is it possible he is passively asserting himself by not "reporting in" to you? He might be trying to reclaim his masculinity by brushing off what he sees as you trying to control him. I don't support this machismo BS, but I've seen it before in a friends husband...

I've been both a working Mom and SAHM. My husband and I have shared calendars (free) through Gmail. I update it with kid stuff, and my stuff, he puts his work and school stuff on there that will matter. It's worked out great for us. We've had a handful of nights that he's gotten home later then expected.. and we talked about it. Now when something unexpected pops up he shoots me a text message. But it sounds like your problem really stems from more then just bad communication... there seems to be resentment and power struggles.

A counselor would be ideal, but I would start with talking to him if you can't do counseling. Make yourself a promise when you talk to him -- that you won't bring up that you make more money then he does. It has nothing to do with him not participating more, or being reliable, or letting you know when he has a doctor appointment. Pick the real issue and stay on task. Before you talk to him -- figure out what really upsets you and offer solutions. The fastest way to shut someone down is attack them with a list of all the things they do wrong. If you can come to him with your needs and suggestions for how you two can meet these needs and be happier - maybe he will be receptive.

Good luck, I hope it works out.

I'm a SAHM right now since my kids aren't in school yet. But I would have a problem with the lack of communication as well. My husband works irregular hours sometimes but he usually calls me somewhere between 5-5:30 so I know if he is working later or on his way home. If he knows in advance he will tell me he has a deadline or something. If he can't pick up your call for some reason you need to find another way to communicate. Can you discuss your schedule on the weekend or can he send an email.

Couples counseling may be the most effective way to resolve these issues.

My husband is a stay-at-home dad and he still felt his commitments beyond childcare took priority over mine. This went on for a long time...

I took over child care and housework EVERY night and EVERY week-end, because according to him I got to take breaks at work (heh). This went on for about 4 years. I finally had to just start doing some other things.

In the end though, it was having someone outside our marriage talk with him that made a difference. A minister, a counselor. Family members are usually not the best go-between unless he has a brother who'll speak to him.

good luck!

My husband and I have had communication problems like this in the passed. He has always seemed to believe that his work/school makes up for him not being at home because he is earning money "for the family". It never seems to matter much that he misses events, until he noticed that our daughter didn't treat him like she did me. She is very loveable and vocal about loving me when we are together but would ignore him like he wasn't even there. I gently mentioned that he needed to spend more time with her and he snapped that he knew that. I took a deep breath and tried again.... "I spend every waking moment that I am not at work with this child, doing everything for her, telling her I love her, giving her what she needs, playing with her, even if I would prefer to be doing something else. Of course we are close. EVERY relationship takes work and I work HARD at my relationship with her."

I think that helped a little bit. There are times when he is really good about calling/texting and letting me know what is going on and others when he's gone and out so late that I wonder if the next person I will see at my door will be a police man. My comment to him after these moments are always "I need to know when to worry and where to direct the police if you are missing for longer than normal. Don't you think they would think it a little strange if you were gone for more than 48 hours and I just then reported you missing??" (not that he's usually gone for 24 hours without me seeing/talking to him but still).

Talk with him. Gently, calmly talk with him. Let him know that there has to be some way of communicating, whether it's email, phone or texting. I agree with some moms here ... share an online calendar so you know what's going on with his schedule and he knows what's going on with yours and the kids. If all else fails... get some outside help. If it's worth fighting for in your eyes (and it seems like it is) then do what you can to make it work. But he had to try to meet you in the middle. You can "learn to live with it", but it would always come up and frustrate you at times.

Good Luck.

Have you considered that it may just be that the fact that your job pays a lot more that has him so obsessed with his job? Men are traditionally the 'bread winners' for the family, and despite modern times, many men still feel that somehow they are not adequate husbands and fathers if they aren't fulfilling that role.
I'm not sure from your post whether you are saying that you have household help or not. If not, it sounds like you could afford some. That would take a little of the pressure off of you.
Yes, your husband needs to be more involved with you and the children, but maybe you need to do a bit more communicating that need at a time when you are not stressed out because of the lack.
Do you both use computers at work? If so, perhaps you could communicate with short emails during the day, rather than using the phone. That might make it easier to avoid the conflict with meetings or other work related issues, because one can send a message and the other can reply at a time that's convenient. As long as messages are kept short and to the point, I don't think most work places would have a problem with that.
And yes, you do have to take his shoulder injury into consideration... and his therapy is quite important. I would ask for a schedule of his appointments and keep it handy. That way you won't be wondering where he is when he is at therapy. When I had a shoulder injury a few years ago, therapy sessions were about three times a week, and an hour each time. I would think his would be about the same kind of schedule. If you've never had such an injury yourself, you can't imagine the feeling of helplessness a person experiences with it, so please give him some leeway on that.
You say "he chose this type of work". I'm not sure if that means you don't quite approve of what he's doing, or what. However, look at it this way, you also chose your kind of work that seems to be sometimes stressful for you. (and what job isn't sometimes stressful, no matter how much we enjoy our work). Try to see his point of view on this too. You might be surprised at the difference that would makein his responses to you. I've found over the years that most men seem to need and want to talk with their wives about their jobs. Maybe just sitting down with him once a week and giving him an opportunity for that would help both of you. You may even find that talking with him about what you do would be good for you. It sounds like both of you are so busy working that you don't have time to stop and enjoy each other's company, your family, or your life. If that's the case, what really is the point of even working? Isn't a job supposed to be the way we earn the means to enjoy living?
Please don't think I'm being critical of you. I do understand the type of frustration you feel, and am simply trying to share some insights I've learned through years of living.

While I gratefully have a great partner in my husband, I can definitely sympathize with the crazy life of two working parents trying to support careers and kids. And yes, I resent it that I seem to bear the load of scheduling the kids appointments and getting them there, because I work close to their school and my husband does not.
From a solution standpoint, we actually sat down and agreed to keep an actual calendar hanging on the door to our garage. I know...old fashioned but Outlook wasn't working for us for some reason with all the personal stuff. We write up there all the soccer times, swim lessons, doctors appts, work dinners and such. And since it's on the door out, it's easy to glance at before we leave for the day. We agreed that if something hadn't been written there, that we needed to understand and respect the other person enough to contact them when our schedule had changed. A text msg takes :10 or less. We also have started to get in the habit of looking at the calendar at dinnertime. It's a good way for us to quickly connect and also use it as a time to involve our kids in learning the calendar and knowing what stuff is coming up.
Good luck!

I can certainly understand your frustration. I am extremely fortunate in that my husband and I do work like a partnership. He takes out trash and recycle, mops floors, does laundry and takes his turn at the dishes! We have two grandchildren in the house, ages 14 and 8, and he also accepts responsibility in helping them with homework, working on bicycles, and just generally playing and interacting with them. It's great! Have you tried talking to your husband, not when your angry or frustrated, but say after sex when both of you are feeling good and in good moods. I find that I make the most progress when I approach what might be a senstive topic while we're in the "after glow" of good sex. That way there is a discussion, not an argument.

I have to agree with Paula C. When I read this, the first thing I thought of was, "Maybe he is having an affair." When someone doesn't pick up the phone, even to just "check in," something is suspicious.
I am the bread winner in our relationship and my husband and I are just fine with that. Of course he feels bad about it and says that he wishes that he could make more money but however, we share most of the responsibilities and have good communictation, even when I call him and he does not answer, he always calls me back before the end of the work day.
I would have a serious talk with your husband and tell him how important it is to communicate about his time at work and not at work.

Good luck.