Little bit of my background: I was pregnant last year but the baby was born prematurely, at 24 weeks, and we lost her 20 days later. My then 3 year old daughter was very involved in my last pregnancy, she was looking forward to having little baby sister and even visited her regularly at the NICU. I am now 28 weeks pregnant with another girl, because of what we went through last time I didn't want to involve my now 4 year old girl in my pregnancy much so she doesn't get dissapointed again. She is very smart and figured out that mommys belly is huge because there is a baby in there. So now she knows and she talks about it all the time. The problem is though, the teachers from her preschool have told me for the second time that she's been behaving very strangely last few weeks. She's been withdrawn with the other kids, she pretends to be different animals and pretends to be a baby. She's started having accidents even though she's been potty trained for 2 years now. Is all this because of the pregnancy? Is her trauma from last summer coming through now? Is there anything we should do or just let her get through it? It's troubling me. She's been waiting for her sister for so long, I pray to God everyday we make it this time so she doesn't get dissapointed again.
I wanted to thank everyone for your great responses. I spoke with my daughters preschool teacher and she said she definitely thinks it's because of her confusion. We are now at almost 33 weeks and i am more confident that everything will be fine, we've been talking to her about it more. She is still confused sometimes (so am I) but I believe that once this baby is home with us she will do much better.
Thanks to all again.
Will keep you posted.
God Bless and keep us in your prayers, it's been a really tough year!
Yes, I would say she is acting strangely because of what happened last time. Reminder that she was in your belly before and she is just fine, so maybe this baby will be, too. I don't know about your religious preferences, but she might feel better if she could pray about it. Then she would feel like she is helping. Good luck!
I do think she is acting out because of your pregnancy. I just think of how it wrecks me if my friends keep something from me and I find out, but am not included. I completely understand your reasoning for not including your daughter earlier in the pregnancy and I would have probably done the same. I am so sorry for your familys' loss. Here are some of my initial thoughts on the subject. Now that she definitely knows, I think you should share your joy with her. She probably is worried and confused why she isn't a part of it. I know it would be painful for her to be included and then lose the next baby, but it would be more painful for her to feel like her parents are keeping something from her, know that you are pregnant, not get to be a part of it (it is a family situation), and then also lose the sister and not get to be included in the grief of the loss. If the baby is born fine and she wasn't included, she might have weird feelings about not be included, too. If she sees that you are excited, but also scared, she may feel that her same feelings are okay. You talked about praying and so I would bring out a discussion with her about God and his part in death. I just don't think trying to hide it from her is going to help- kids are too observant and can absorb feelings around them. I think you should absolutely include her and let her express all of her feelings. I love the picture idea, and sometimes talking to someone else, either a therapist or even a very trusted and close family/friend can help a little one to just get it out. I hope you find some peace with this difficult situation, and you are definitely in my prayers!
Hi Puzzled Parent,
I really don't have much advise to give, but my best friend went through this same thing. First off I hope everything goes well for your family. My best friend delievered and her little boy lived for only 3 days. I can't even begin to imagine what you two have been through and I'm sorry. Her daughter much like yours was so excited about the new baby. It seemed after her son passed that her daughter was fine, I mean she was a little upset, but nothing like we thought she'd be. My friend got pregnant 5 or 6 months later and her daughter started acting strange. Her and her husband sat her down and talked with her about what was going on. They came to find out that her little girl was just extremely scared. She didn't understand why her brother didn't come home and why she couldn't see him, etc... They basically were very open with her and explained everything, every step of the way. She started getting better and was once again excited for "her" new baby. Like I said I don't really have any advise, but I hope this helps.
God bless you and your family,
S.
You have gotten so many insightful and loving responses that I don't have much to add.
I too lost two little boys at about the same gestation. Our boys died in the womb and were delivered still birth. My living children (3 boys at the time) were so involved in my pregnancies and were devestated at the loss. We had funerals and I have their ashes...the children still "talk" to their siblings sometimes in their little urns.
When we did successfully have a baby girl make it to full gestation we let the boys feel her move everyday and even rented the same tool to listen to the heartbeat that the doctors have...this helped so much as at any time they could assure themselves that their little sister was alive and well.
I will pray for a successful outcome for your family. Your daughter will most likely resolve her feelings and behaviors as she becomes adjusted to the reality that this baby will likely make it. What an insightful and lovely mommy you are!
Hi J.,
I want to agree with what Mary said, and add that your daughter is very likely responding to how you and your husband may be behaving at home from the stress (?).
The fact that she is showing these behaviors away from you two demonstrates she recognizes the stress at home, but is being *left out*
She wants to be a part of this: good or bad.
t
Ten years ago, I experienced a stillbirth. I had a 5 year old and a 2 year old at that time. The 2 year old was too young to really get it, but the five year old wasn't. He basically stopped talking for about a year. Eventually, we struck upon the idea of letting him "draw his feelings." The artwork he did was, uhmmm, interesting. It reflected feelings of hurt, anger, fear, powerlessness. Over time they became less and less like that. By the time he was about 11 years old, he stopped needing to draw to express himself. It was a wonderful therapy for the time when he couldn't find words for himself.
That idea came from a friend of mine who is a Birthing From Within childbirth teacher, a method that uses art to identify and release negative emotions mothers and their partners may have about labor and birth so that their labors can go more smoothly. If it can work so well for women preparing for childbirth, I decided to give it a go with my child. It was like magic with him. He could talk about the art and say things that were too painful for him to say otherwise.
Your daughter is a bit younger, but this may be an approach that could help. You could ask her to draw pictures of the baby or pictures of herself being another animal. After she's drawn it, ask her to tell you about her picture and what's happening in it. Ask her how the people/animals in the picture feel.
If she's not into drawing, maybe you could join her make believe and and have her direct your actions. Just listen to what she's expressing and you might be able to read her a story or make up on to tell her to address whatever feelings she's having. Possibilities may include reassuring her that the new baby is doing fine, that *she* is fine, that you are okay, etc. It may take some practice to not send her the message that she "shouldn't" feel a certain way. However she feels is how she feels and she needs to have those feelings respected.
Other things that may help, too, would be to take her to prenatal visits and let her hear the heartbeat of the new baby, or to an ultrasound to see the baby, etc. I am a midwife and routinely let worried older siblings help by holding the doppler probe while I listen to heart tones. It gives them a sense of participation and seems to allay the fear that the grown-ups are not telling them something important. Maybe she could help you do kick counts in the evening... You know her best and will know what might work best for her.
Children have a keen sense of understanding, and I absolutely respect your reasoning behind keeping her from hurting again, but children can interpret this differently and draw their own conclusions to "why". She's a part of your family and the truth is everyone grieved the loss of your child last year (and will continue to do so). Please consider talking to her, including her, and most of all reasuuring her of your love for her. Be aware that keeping her from possible hurt, also deprives her of joy in the preparation for being a big sister again. Including her teacher in the conversation or a grief counselor as a mediator is another possible choice. Ask her how she's feeling--it's amazing to see and hear how their actions will play out their emotions. Best wishes!!
I feel that your daughter is acting this way because of the pregnancy. I am sure she is fearful of what will happen now to the new baby-will she die too? Will she have to endure visiting a scary place to visit her sister, only to have her leave?
It sounds like it is time to have a talk about death with your daughter. I know you may think that she is too young or that she doesn't even remember her other sister because she was "only three." But, I can bet you that she is internalizing all of her fears. My children were three and four when my dear uncle passed away. I made sure that they attended the funeral and we have talked about death and heaven ever since. My husband likes to stay away from this subject, but I feel that it is such a natural part of life, to not talk about it is denial.
Your daughter needs to know that there is a great chance that this baby will not die. Explain to her that the other baby was born too early and that this baby is already "older" than that one. If you don't have a name picked out yet, let her help you name her. Let her help you decorate the babies room and let her put something special for her in the room. Take her to Build a Bear and let her make an animal for her new sister. Have her put a "heart" in it and send a special message to her new sister. Teach her about fear and how we should not fear death.
Hard, huh? I know that this can't be easy for any of you and if you are fearful as well, she can be picking up on that too. Buy her a special baby doll and teach her how to take care of it. Get out the baby carseat and let her carry it around. Let her feed it, change it, etc. so she learns how to "help" and be your "helper" when the new baby comes. Get her involved again, just like you did before. She may feel that you are keeping a secret from her because you didn't originally tell her about the new pregnancy.
Some of her behaviors are normal for any child when their mom is expecting. My sister went back to having a pacifier, cried like a baby and wet her pants. It is something they do for your attention. Reassure her that she will always be your first born, that she is special and that you always have room to love more. Cuddle with her, read to her, make her feel like she is your number one! Best wishes and God Bless! You are in my thoughts!
First, I'm sorry about your last baby.
2nd, I wonder if your daughter is feeling insecure because she hasn't been as involved this time around? I'd go ahead and include her, maybe even in talking (lightly and age-appropriately of course) about your own fears that maybe the baby will be born too early, and how you have to be careful that everything will be ok for baby, you, her, the whole family. If she/you pray together as a family, include her in praying for your baby/her sibling.
Good luck!!! I hope it all works out for your daughter, and your pregnancy. Try not to worry about the same thing happening again with this one as last time - you did have a beautiful healthy child, and it is only a small percentage, not a 50% chance that it could happen again. So "dont worry, be happy" (easier said than done, I know.) She may be grieving all over again from last time? Or she may be feeling sad/guilty/whatever for having been involved and it happened, and now it's not. Or she may be feeliing worried about being displaced.
Go to the library and get different books about new babies joining the family, maybe even about death, etc. Mix one or two in with other books each time you go and sit down and read, give her a chance to talk about her feelings if her worries are the same as the character in the story or not.
