Is It Normal That 20 Years Old Girl Does Not Come to Sleep at Home After a Party

She's 20 years old. If she wants to crash at a friend's house after a party, or even with a boy, I don't see the issue as long as she's getting good grades and otherwise being a good daughter/housemate.

Honestly, if she's out partying and say, was drinking, wouldn't you rather she crash at a friend's house than try to drive herself home?

I think if it's that big of a deal, you need to ask her to move out.

She is an adult and I think you should be more flexible. It is not unreasonable for a 20 year old to not come home at night after a party. However, it is unreasonable for her to not be considerate of you. You're still a parent and still worry. Before trying to kick her out and live on her own, a little communication would help. Just tell her that you do worry about her and stay up worrying when she's not home. If she's not going to make it home that night to please call or text you and let you know. And if that is implemented, that doesn't mean you ask her 600 questions when she does call to let you know. Just leave it with an "okay, honey. Thanks for letting me know. See you tomorrow. Have fun."

If she is 20 she is an adult and does not need to report to you about anything.
Perfectly normal.
I would consider it strange to say the least if a 20 year old adult was still sleeping at their parents house, short of her living there while going to school or something...
But even then, she is an adult.

Yes it is very normal. Let her get it out of her system now instead of later when she has more to lose. If you tell her no...you know what will happen :)

The old 'it's my house & my rules' - that's BS. When ANY parent takes that stand they most always lose.

She's an adult and as long as she is upholding her responsibilities, it really doesn't matter what she does in her off time and to be more blunt - none of your business.

Is it normal....yes. Your daughter is an adult (not just 18 but almost 21). While she is still young and apparantly does still at home, she is an adult that has presumably 2 years of college under her belt. College kids do this type of thing all the time.

Now, since she lives in your home she should follow your rules but you also should consider that she is not a child anymore and her rules should be age appropriate.

Whether you agree or not, she may be drinking at these parties so she stays there rather than drive drunk (drinking may not be the best decision but staying is far better than driving). Even if she isn't drinking, is the person she riding with? Again, smarter to stay put. Also, drinking or not, at a certain hour it really is best to stay put....do you really want her on the road late at night (early morning) by herself or on the road after last call at the bars ? Drunk drivers are on the road and others that are out at that hour are typically up to no good. Staying put is smart.

That said...she should at least tell you before she leaves "Hey mom, I won't be home to night because I am staying at Suzy's house after tha party" or if she decides to once she's out she should call to let you know....it's common courtesy. My son is 21 and just graduated college. When he's not coming home that is the rule and he knows that after a certain hour I want him to stay off the road so if it got later than expected he will send a text that says "I won't be home". Then if I wake up and he's not home, I check my phone. No text = time to worry.

Completely normal. At 20 I was at university and partying every weekend. I would think it a shame if young people did not have the chance to have fun while they're young. Also, she's an adult and old enough to have children of her own.

Maybe it's a cultural thing - but I would be much more flexible.

She is 20.
She is an adult with her own life.
I know as a parent, it is hard to see the activities of your "child."
But it is as it is.
If you fight her about it, she will not be close to you.
The best thing you can do, is to nurture a RELATIONSHIP with her. Chatting w/her about her life, her thoughts, her ideals, her ideas, her feelings etc. Because no matter what, no matter how old she is, a "child" needs her parent and Mom and Dad.
I know.
I was like your daughter.
I was not a bad person.
But in college, I went to college, was working part-time, liked to party, was dating, and etc.
For a bit of time, I also lived at home while going to college. And I sometimes did not come home after a night out. (but yes I did let my parents know).
My parents did not judge me about it.
My late Dad, and I, had a very close bond. And he trusted me. Even if he did not "approve" of my life. But I was a good "kid." He knew that. But I was an adult with my own life. He knew that.
We did not have any drama. When I was in college.
I was respectful.
But I also had my own, life.
But I had a RELATIONSHIP w/my late Dad.
Because, he treated me.... as my own person.
But my Mom was very judgmental... THUS, we were not close at all and THUS I did not tell her ANYTHING, about my life. I could only be open... w/my Dad.
THUS, I highly recommend to you, to adjust... your view of your daughter. Now. Otherwise, now and in the future, you will NOT have any relationship, with her.
As I said, even at the age of 20, a "kid" needs their parent. But not when it is judgmental. Sure, you can voice your opinions to her. But realize, she is NOT you. And you are not her.
She is her own person.
And you are too.
No "child" is identical to their parent.
No matter how they are raised.
And you have to accept that.
Or you will not have a mother/daughter relationship at all.

You both need to be able to chat, talk, about life or ANYTHING.... not only her night time activities.
You need to have, a relationship with her.

My Dad, did pay for my college.
I was fortunate.
I was very cognizant of that.
And I also worked.
I recommend to you, that you do not make this a "battle" w/your Husband.
It is not either or.
But at some point, hopefully your daughter matures.
And gets over the "partying" phase.
But again, she has her own life, too.
And if her life spirals downward, you do need to talk to her about that.
And if you have not done so, or your Husband, you or he needs to talk to her about life.
Some college kids, can control their habits and with studying.
Some cannot.
It is all about learning about time management/keeping up your grades/studying and, also, having fun and working.
It is grown up, life now.

At some point, you have to see that you daughter is her own person too.
You need to KNOW her.
For who she is.
She is not a Teenager.
She is 20.
Don't you want, your daughter to be ABLE to come to YOU, for any thoughts/concerns/problems and to express her feelings and ideas to you????? If so, then you need to remind yourself, of creating a relationship with her too.
Not only a parent talking at her "child" and judging.

Your daughter, any "child" for that matter, NEEDS to have, at LEAST one parent... with whom they can go to for ANYTHING/any problem/any concern, no matter how they feel. If she cannot go to you... then can she go to her Dad? If not and if she cannot go to either of you with her concerns or feelings about life... then WHO can she turn to????
My late Dad used to say, that if a child cannot go to at least one parent with their feelings or concerns, then they will go to outside, people to do so. Good or bad people. Or they will hide it from you. THUS, he was the one, that had a great relationship with his kids. He was not a "friend" but a PARENT. Who knew me for who I was. And taught me about life, as such.
You see, no matter what, I KNEW, I COULD be open, with him.
But I could not, with my Mom.

What is more important to you?
That she be just like you/your rules/your principals or that, you both are having a Mother/Daughter relationship, and that you know your daughter and are a Mom that she trusts and can go to with all of her life's questions and concerns?
If you kick her out because she sometimes does not come home after a night out, is that more important to you? Is it so important that she be like you? Or that she pay for her own college and move out and hence may have to drop out of college and work instead and forgo college to do so?

This problem you have with her, is a pivotal one.
Because, how you react to her and treat her, will determine, YEARS from now, what kind of relationship you have with her.
You will either have a relationship with her, always.
Or you will not.
It is not a power issue of who listens to who or not.
Because, she is 20. An adult.
If you only want her to be like you and per your rules and principals, then one of you will be sorely, resentful. Toward the other.

My parents are conservative.
I grew up very traditionally.
I went to college, worked, partied a ton, went out until 3:00am, or did not come home, I was a good student, and was not a bad person. Oh, and I was very respectful and responsible at home. Just because a college "kid" is going out and partying, it does not mean they are being disrespectful.
And through ALL of my colleges years, my late Dad, KNEW that.
But it took my Mom years, to realize, I was not like her. And thus, my Mom did not have a good relationship with her daughters.
At all.
And we did not go to her, nor confided in her for anything.

OK - putting the party thing to the side, there are more important questions to ask.

Is she responsible? Is she getting good grades, is she part of the household? Does she follow other house rules, etc.?

She is 20. She is legally an adult. She's attending college. If she is otherwise doing all the "right" things, then unless she is getting trashed all the time and screwing up her grades from partying, you should take a step back. Hanging out with her friends on the weekends is completely normal.

Going to clubs doesn't mean she's doing anything horrible. She's going out with friends. She enjoys going out with friends. And if she feels like you disapprove of her spending time with her friends like a 20 year old SHOULD be doing, WHY would she be in a rush to come home to disapproval?

She is not you. She is developing her own principles. If you have set a good example and taught her well, she will find the path. But she is making her own life choices and you can't control them or her. You can only continue to be her mom, to be an ear, a safe place. You can share your concerns, but share them as an adult talking to an adult, not mom talking to little girl because that dynamic will cause the relationship to shut down - it is already.

You are creating the drama. Again, unless there are other, deeper, disrespectful behaviors going on outside of "she goes out with and parties with her friends on the weekends" - other than that she's working AND going to school.

Work with her on this. Let her have her fun. If she is going to be out all night, tell her to text you before 11pm or whatever so you KNOW and aren't spending the night worrying.

At 20 I hung out with my friends too. We often did not go out until 10:00 and then we would regularly sleep at each others houses because we were up so late. My mom and dad never wanted me to drive home, over tired and by myself at 3:00 in the morning.
I am conservative too but I don't see what the problem is here. Your daughter is on the right track. (Going to school and has a job) What she is doing sounds normal to me. What do you think she should be doing on the weekends?

If the only thing about her behavior that's upsetting to you is her social life then you have to decide if that's a deal breaker for her living at home.

If one of my girls, just completed her AA, was waiting to hear back from universities and was working this is not something I'd be concerned about. If she was helpful and pleasant around the house and pulled her own weight I would enjoy the last gasp of having my girl live in our home. At her age my social schedule was similar and I did live at home between colleges and life changes. Twenties are a really fun time, as long as she's happy, healthy and productive this wouldn't bother me.

If it's safety your concerned about ask her to send a text when she plans to stay out past a certain time or sleep at a friends house. That's a good idea for people of any age.

Better to crash at a friend's house than drive home drunk or exhausted. (It's a proven fact that driving while very sleepy is just as bad, if not worse than driving drunk. http://www.nhtsa.gov/Driving+Safety/Distracted+Driving/Re...) As long as you make sure she calls you to let you know she's going to be out all night instead of leaving you to wait up and wonder, then I don't see a problem with it. I used to pack a toothbrush and spare change of underpants in my backpack, just in case I wasn't going to make it home, but I always called to let them know what's up. That I was having fun AND being safe. Plus I felt better knowing someone knew where I was going to be, just in case. (Then again I'm naturally paranoid.)

when my kids were living at home, they were expected to tell me where they were going and when they'd be home. there was never any drama about it. it was the basic courtesy with which they were raised.
khairete
S.

Stop putting her in a position where she feels she has to lie and then offer a "Sorry it won't happen again" in the morning. She's 20 and an adult. You need to treat her like one. As a member of a family she should be telling you that she's going out and when she expects to return. If it's the following morning because she plans to stay out with friends then you need to accept that answer without judgement.

If you've done a good job giving her your morals and values then she'll be ok. The freedom of hanging out with friends and staying up all night is a phase that she'll grow out of. Better to do it now at 20 than to do it when you are in your 30's dumping your children with others while you party.

Don't assume she's doing something wrong just because she's not coming home. I can't begin to tell you how many times my 2nd daughter stayed out because she had too much to drink at a house party and crashed on the couch.

Well, I think it would help you could be a little bit more specific about what she's doing that bothers you. Is it that she's out late, drinking, you think she's having sex? What about her lifestyle is objectionable to you?

My kids are young, so I haven't been in your shoes. But I'm thinking back to my college days. I wasn't much of a partier, but I lived in the dorms. I would say that for more than 50% of college freshmen, yes, what she is doing is very, very normal.

What you're asking is a lot like what parents ask when their college student is home for that first summer. Their son/daughter has been away at college for 9 months (living in the dorm, making their own decisions), and now they're home for the summer and everyone needs to adjust. I knew many people in college whose parents tried to enforce a curfew over the summer. As someone who had never had a curfew, I couldn't imagine a more insulting thing a parent could do - to ask someone to be an adult in all other aspect of their lives for 9 months and then be treated like a child over the summer.

I was very pleased with the way my parents handled my summers and breaks. When I was going out with my friends, they asked me what time I thought I would be home. If anything changed, they asked me to call them and let them know. I thought of it as common courtesy. If I thought I would be home at 11:00 and something came up, I could call them and tell them it would be closer to midnight. That way it wasn't 11:30, and they weren't sick with worry and considering calling the police.

Why not ask her to send you a text. If she's not going to be home by a certain time or chooses to stay at a friends house, she can send you a text letting you know that she's ok and what her plans are.

Try to keep in mind that it is very common (and really ok) for people to view this time in a person's life (after high school and before kids) and kind of a selfish time. Not everyone chooses to go to parties, but without the responsibilities of a family, a person has time after school or after work to really socialize. Partying isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can be abused, of course, but really, isn't it more about spending time with your friends. Personally, I had more fun going bowling, playing board games, going to the movies. But still, I was spending time with my friends. If that's all she's doing, she's doing just fine!

She is an adult and should be treated as one. She is 20, she no longer needs a curfew. She is finding her way and this is normal. It is better for her to stay at a friends then to risk driving home is she is under the influence. If you really have an issue with it all ask her to move out, but if it was my child and they were keeping their grades up and all that I would try to be more flexible and remember that I did the best I could when I raised them and now it is time to let them fly and hope they make okay choices.

Well, she's 20, and on break from college. OF COURSE she is going to party!!! Lol.

I will say, that I partied hard when I was 18-21 (with trusted friends... we would get pretty trashed, but no drugs.) Every weekend, at least. Of course, I was supporting myself and working a full time plus a part time job. When I actually hit 21, I was already completely sick of the lifestyle and quit drinking more than just a social sip here and there. no more getting drunk. More often than not, I would wind up staying at my closest friend's house, which was within walking distance of anywhere we wanted to drink. (BTW... This behavior does not necessarily mean she is being promiscuous. I partied with the best of em, and stayed a virgin up until I met my husband at 22...)

I say that you should compromise... Allow her to enjoy this break from school, and have her fun with her friends. This in-between period of life is so short... She still gets some of the freedom from childhood, with some of the responsibilities of adulthood. Before long, she will join the ranks of young adults struggling to survive in today's economy. So, as long as she follows the house rules while IN the house (like helping with chores, maintaining reasonably high grades, no orgies in the living room, etc. lol.) and is able to function at work, then I would let her do what she wants with her time. Maybe even offer to be her DD in a pinch.

In return for you not nagging her over her lifestyle, maybe she sets aside every third weekend or so to spend time at home. Or maybe she pitches a certain percentage of her paycheck to you, and you can put it in an account to go toward her school expenses. She also has to let you know when she won't make it home.

Do you feel she is acting responsibly, in a sexual sense? If she is drinking despite being under age but avoiding driving, that's a good thing. If she doesn't want to confront you, it's natural that she would not come home. Do you know any of her friends?

Where is the drama - between the 2 of you, or in the friends/associates and parties she's involved with? If she is with negative people, that's a problem. If she's just keeping you from the aspects of her life that upset you, that's pretty normal.

Is she disrespectful to you when she is home? Does she participate with the family, do a few chores, even if she doesn't pay rent? If she's a student and your husband wants to continue to support her, that's fairly common. But if she's living off you, doing nothing, being combative, etc., that's a problem.

Is it possible she's going out so much because you kept her home through high school? Did she feel restrained and unable to start to have a social life? Is she rebelling against you and perhaps going out more and staying out longer because you've been too strict?

You say you are conservative but you don't say what your daughter is doing that is against your values. If she is drinking a lot, doing drugs and being sexually promiscuous, obviously that's a huge concern. Hopefully you had some frank and open discussions with her when she was younger, and she knows how to stay safe. If your style was more lecture-based and "just say no" and "just stay home," that's awfully hard to enforce because it's not realistic. It would be nice if kids didn't drink until age 21, but it's not so reality-based. You say she is going to clubs - are these under-21 clubs and she's just dancing? Does she have a fake ID and is going to over-21 clubs with a lot of drinking?

She doesn't respect your rules because she doesn't have to. She can do what she wants, you object, she says it won't happen again just to placate you, and then she figures it's her life, she's only young once, and she feels you're unreasonable.

You have the option of kicking her out and telling her to get a job to support herself. That will mean dropping out of school probably, because it's very difficult to go to a university and still work to pay rent, utilities, tuition, books and school fees. But your husband wants to support her through the next 2 years, so you and he have to be on the same page.

When she goes to the university, will she be living in a dorm and making a life there? Or living at home with you? College kids have social lives that their parents don't know about, and it's kind of an in-between stage where they learn to be adults, handle their own activities and curfews (or lack of them) and still have a roof over their heads (the dorm). Those of us who have kids in college know that our kids have a life we are not privy to - so maybe your daughter isn't doing anything all that unusual.

Be honest with yourself about what you expect - she's 20, and you want her to be at home with you on Saturday nights watching TV? Or having slumber parties with her girlfriends?

But you do have the option to kick her out - it's your house and your rules. But perhaps you and she should have had these discussions years earlier so that she knew what your "line in the sand" would be. Right now, there are no repercussions for her behavior. So you and your husband must come to an agreement and then follow through. Maybe she moves out, maybe you don't pay for college if she doesn't come home all the time, and other aspects of a Tough Love approach.

Or, maybe you adjust your expectations and figure that you did the best you could raising her, and maybe you can agree to disagree on parties as long as she is safe. Maybe if she has to text you that she is staying over so you don't worry, that's a good compromise. Maybe if you are welcoming and have her invite her friends over, you'll get to know them and feel more comfortable.

I think it wouldn't hurt to work on your relationship with her, perhaps with a professional - a girl will always need her mother and a soft place to fall if things go badly. Maybe you'd rather be a refuge for her even if you don't agree on everything. We give our children roots, but we also give them wings to fly.

Yes, it's normal. She's 20, an adult -- hopefully by now you have instructed her on safety and sexuality. Time to let go, mom.

And if you absolutely can't stand it, then yes, she has to move out. My 20 year old has moved out and is supporting herself and going to college, yours can too.

She is an adult. You need to find a way to communicate with her as an adult not mother to child. She will always be your child, but now she is also an adult and able to make her own decisions.

She may be more responsibile than you are giving her credit for. She may be drinking even though she is not old enough and doesn't want to drive drunk.

As long as the rest of her life is in place I wouldn't worry about it too much. She is working, planning to go to school, and mostly respects you and her dad. If you tighten the reins too much she may move out in anger and not finish school and then see real struggles.

She's an adult and can do as she pleases. If what she does doesn't agree with you and your rules then tell her she needs to move out. Perhaps then you'll be able to have a positive relationship.

My husband just asked how your daughter has enough income to move out with only a part time job (he then jokingly said HE doesn't have enough income to move out and he has a full time job!!!!!).

What does she pay with her part time job? Does she have her own vehicle? Does she use her own money when she goes out? I assume you guys are paying the rent and for school?

I guess I subscribe to the "my house my rules" philosophy.... but, I think you should be more flexible. This is the time for her to figure out how to be an adult, but with the ability to have fun and still be a kid.

WHY do you want her to come home? Because you think then she won't do anything bad? PLENTY of bad can happen before midnight, so I don't think making her come home will stop that.

What rules doesn't she respect? It's hard to give advice from your post. I can't tell if you're too inflexible or she's out of control.

Maybe TALK to her... negotiate a curfew WITH her. Set rules that you BOTH can agree on. Then she has to stick to them. And so do you.

If you make her move out and she quits school - is that what you want? Yes, that will be her choice.... but is it worth it?

She is an adult. You shouldn't have to worry about her, but she's an adult so your time to "judge" her behavior is gone. It's time for you to trust that you have raised her right.

Let her be 20. Let her have fun. As long as she makes good grades and helps out around the house.

My mother always told me and I told our daughter also.. , "if you need a ride home, call me. No questions asked."

It is your daughters normal. As long as she lets you know ahead of time, I would rather she not be driving if she has been drinking or is super tired.It is too dangerous. Or you all offer to bring her home.

If you and your husband do not agree, then tell her, "We do not want you living in our house and not coming home at night to sleep."

"We do not want you going out every weekend."

"We want to be able to lock up the house by midnight."
" We cannot sleep when we do not know what time you will be returning." "We cannot sleep until your are home."

Communication is a wonderful thing, but keep in mind, if she is keeping her grades up, keeping a job and is a good person, you may end up with a consequence you do not want. A child that will not be honest with you and will not WANT to live with you.

Maybe that is what you would prefer? She move out and be totally independent? She can pay for her own college no help from you all?
You have that right, but it is only fair you tell her.

Think it through..

In our home, our adult daughter, my husband and myself, we all tell each other our plans. "I am going to be out late. I will be home at 1:00 am, I will not be home. I will call if I am running late."

Heck our daughter says in college they all do this. It is a safety concern.
There were times that they spent days and nights at the library studying.. But they all made sure to at least check in..

It is just manners to let people you live with know how to reach you and when to expect you home.

If she's drunk, whould you rather she try to drive home or crash where she is and sleep it off?

Common courtesy would be a phone call, "Mom, I just wanted to let you know I'm staying at ____'s house tonight. See you in the morning."

She is 20. She doesn't have to come home for weeks at a time if she doesn't want to. You are not anything authoritarian to her any more. There are no strings attached to anything you do. If she's gone over night or for a whole weekend you do need a call to tell you she's going out of town so you don't think she's missing but as for anything else.

She would not call a roommate and tell them she's not coming in that night, she'd just come home when she was ready. Nothing more.

She's an adult and does not have to answer to you anymore. Now...that said. She should be respectful to you to let you know if she's going out of town for a few days. As for overnight, not going to happen.

When I was in my twenties I lived at home on and off between apartments, colleges or jobs.
I cannot tell you how much it has improved my relationship with my mom, which wasn't good throughout my teens.
Even though I lived at her house, she let me be an adult, as long as I did it quietly without waking anybody I could come and go whenever I pleased and she refrained from meddling in my social life.
I always worked and/or went to school, I did my own chores, cleaned up after myself and paid for my own clothes and food (or chipped in when she went grocery shopping) so it wasn't like I was mooching off of her - but knowing that I could stay at my mom's house for as long as I needed gave me a sense of security and I really enjoyed that time.

I am sure my mom wasn't happy with every choice I made, but she never gave me a hard time about it and let me make my own mistakes and learn from them.

I am almost 40 now and still like to think back to that time. I hope to do the same for my DD when she is that age.

As the saying goes: you can be right and insist on "your house, your rules" or you can be happy and built a lasting adult relationship with your daughter. There does not need to be drama unless you make it so.

Good luck.

I have an 18 year old, so I understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately, there is little that can be done since your daughter is an adult. I look at it this way too--a generation or two ago, it was very common for a young woman anywhere between the ages of 18-24, to be married with children. Nowadays, not so much. So, that being said, a mom can only hope that she raised her daughter right and that the daughter makes wise choices.

She is an adult.
She should have the courtesy to let you know if she will be home or not. Better she stays over rather than be drinking and driving. She is 20, and it is illegal for her to drink, but we all know it happens at parties.
Ask her to call or text you if she isn't going to be home. That's the best you are going to get until she goes to university -- and then you'll get nothing.

So funny my 6 year old was just asking if he could do whatever he wanted when he turns 19. The reason is because he wanted to stay in the ocean and it was getting cold so I told him and his friend it is time to get out.

Anyway I said if you are living in your own home supporting yourself, then yes you can do what you want as long as you are obeying the law. If you are still living under my roof then you have to follow my rules. I know it is much easier to say now then when he is 19 and wanting to stay out.

On the plus side for you, at least you can call/text anytime unlike a generation ago to make sure she is safe. Also, if she is drinking it is smart to stay put and not drive.

Thanks to all of you to take the time to advise me about me and my daughter. I come from another culture and it is hard for me to adapt my values and principles to this new generation. I had a frank conversation with my daughter and understand that I have to be less judgemental and not worry too much.
Thanks again!

M.:

Welcome to mamapedia!

Charge her rent or kick her out. I don't understand why you don't know what to do!! She's an adult. So treat her like one.

Your home. Your rules. If she can't abide by the rules? She can go out on her own.

She does it because you ALLOW her to continually do it. Put locks on the doors and windows so she can't come in.

She has 30 days to find a new place to live. It's called Tough Love. Stop. Make a decision and stick with it. You love her. It's YOUR HOME. YOUR RULES. She doesn't like it? She can leave. She's an adult. She can start acting like one....

hopefully she isn't drinking and driving...legal drinking age is 21. So if she's at a friends house and drunk - she stays there - great decision! She's out at a bar? She has fake ID and will risk her life as well as others if she drinks and drives.

KICK HER OUT. She's an adult. Don't fret over it. DO NOT enable her habits anymore...

Good luck!!

By "normal", I assume you mean expected or acceptable. Every family has to decide what is "normal" for them. And then, you have to a) be clear and consistent about the expectation and b) deal with the consequences if it isn't met.
My mother would not have allowed me to stay out all night at 20. She disliked the sleepovers I had in middle school and high school. And those were with people that she knew. She didn't know any of my friends from college and made it clear she wanted me home at midnight. Her expectations didn't match mine and the resulting friction made summers more stressful. After freshman year, I began arranging to spend most of the summer visiting friends or taking courses.
I don't mind if my daughter sleeps over at a friend's house after going out as long as she either tells me in advance (preferred) or at least calls me when the decision is made (less preferable, but still better than a no show). She's been consistent about meeting this expectation. I know where she is and I can sleep better than worrying about her taking public transportation home at 2 am or being out on the road with people who've been drinking.

Its common but I don't think there is such a thing a "normal" on this. I was moved out by 20. However, had I been living with my parents, I would not have done this because it would have been disrespectful. My sister disregarded my parents rules on this, but thats because she was a raging drunk and sleeping around.

There are only two reasons to stay out all night- you are too drunk to drive home, or you are sleeping around.

That said, at some point you have to let your adult children make their own choices even if you disapprove. If however you can't sleep well at night not knowing where she is then at a minimum she needs to let you know her plans.

She is an adult. She is 20 years old. She just finished junior college. She is blowing off steam from studying. She is finding new friends to be with. She is finding out who she is. She is fighting for more independence from you and her father.

She should be respectful in making a phone call and stating that she will not be home tonight and will see you in the morning. That way you will not be walking the floors waiting for her to come in.

Have a meeting with her when she is home and you and dad are not angry or upset. Right down the things you want to say and meet with her. Make the meeting about we are all adults now and we should treat each other with respect. Here are a few things we would like to go over with you. Do so in a matter of fact way the same as you would your banker. Leave all the emotion out of the meeting and just stick to facts. Otherwise you loose. This meeting should eliminate a lot of the "drama".

Your conservation upbringing of your daughter is what is causing the problem. She sees the world through different colored glass than you do. As she grows more in her life she will see what is right and possibly come back to the ways she was taught. But you have to let that go for now and just be parents to an adult child.

Good luck on the relationship of adult child and parents. Yes, you can still support her through her last two years of schooling.

the other S.

My house, my rules. Your obligation to her ended 2 years ago. She is doing whatever she wants because she can. Yes, it may be having an adverse affect on your relationship, but she's 20 - she could care less!
She knows she's got dad over a barrel. Until that changes, nothing will.

Either decide you are going to accept this behavior, and then accept it or decide that you are not and put your foot down. If you decide you're not going to accept it and put your foot down, the next time she doesn't come home, lock a deadbolt or something that she doesn't have a key to on the front door and do not let her in when she comes home. She may be able to decide when she comes, but YOU decide when/if she gets in. She needs to see that she's not holding all the cards and you do have the same options as she does. You will play your options based on what cards she plays.

No, she is not an adult. She has a part time job but is supported by her parents. Where is she when she is out all night? Do you know? Would it help if she told you where she was going to be? Is she not sleeping at home because she is drunk/on drugs/sleeping with a guy? I think that is the bigger concern. If she is 20, she is not legally able to drink anyway. I think you have a right to have some rules. She can stay out as long as she wants but really should be sleeping at home.

Sounds like she wants the perks but not the responsibilities of being a grown up. I'd kindly direct her to Apartments.com.

I'm going to answer this from the perspective of the kid rather than a parent in the same situation. Growing up there was one basic rule. As long as I lived under my parents roof I had to abide by certain rules. I had to be home no later then a certain time. Should something occur that would have affected that then I had to call. My best friend was in the same boat. Though her parents wanted a phone call when she was on her way home...didn't matter if it was 2am. This goes for any other rules you may have.

You need to decide what rules are important and present them to her if she is going to continue to live under your roof. She needs to respect the fact that she is living under your roof. Should she decide she doesn't like it, well, she's an adult and needs to start making her own decisions. You may also decide to start charging her rent.

Good luck!

If she is drinking, it's better that she does NOT come home. If she's up late and doesn't trust herself to drive without falling asleep, she should not come home. If she's up until 5am and just wants to crash for a few hours at a friends house, she should not drive. I would just ASK her to let you know where she will be and if she will be home at night. If not a simple phone call or text would suffice.