Am I the Norm or Not? (M. Question)

Love, love, LOVED Riley J.'s post. Completely agree with her.

I'd also like to add that... Yes, I enjoy my own activities outside of being just Mom, and (for me) that "Me" time helps me be a better and happier Mom.

Oh, and Yes, never drink and drive. :)

K I am 27 years old and have a 3 1/2 year old and a 1 1/2 year old and I have NEVER left them over night. I also have only just now started to really leave them with sitters and that is because my hubby just got deployed to Iraq so I have to get sitters from time to time. I also have not had one drink or set foot in a bar in about 6 years! I just don't think that's the kinda life style I have anymore or want to my kids to see me doing. I agree that once you have kids most peoples priorities change. It becomes about family. So good for you for noticing this a what not to do.

Good job momma! Way to be responsible! It's not all about us anymore when we have little ones to not only look after, but to model appropriate, responsible behavior. Bravo to you!

I am going to guess here that your friends are very young (relatively speaking) and from what you've described, very immature. I doubt you will find new moms in their 30's behaving this way. Life is about balance - it's one thing to take some time out for yourself, to go get a pedicure, or exercise, or even a weekend away with your girlfriends; or for you and your SO to have a date night for yourselves; it's another to go out to party with the intent to get wasted on a regular basis when you have children at home.

You are not a prude - you just have different priorities, and when you have kids, they need to be your first priority. Kids grow up really fast and you need to enjoy them while you can. Personally, I can't imagine viewing Halloween as a chance to party and get drunk when you have kids - to me, getting them dressed up in costumes, taking them trick-or-treating, and carving pumpkins with them is what it is all about. As parents, we only get one chance to raise our kids right, to give them good childhood memories and experiences that will help them grow up to become well-adjusted happy responsible adults. We need to model the responsible behavior that we hope they will exhibit themselves some day. If your friends are so interested in drinking and partying at this time when they have small children at home, it makes me wonder what their parents were like and what they were doing their kids were that age. And what kind of relationship they will have with their children as they get older. Once your kids are grown, you'll have your life back!

My husband and I fall into the middle of these extremes. We go out but we don't go get hammered every weekend either. I go out with my friends for dinner or a movie or a coffee etc... at least once a week. My husband plays hockey at night twice a week and he goes to happy hour once a week. Sometimes I go out and get a little silly. I don't dance on bars but I do cut loose and dance like mad, meet new people and have a great time. This doesn't mean that my husband and I don't have our priorities in order. I know that if I don't do something for me I have nothing to give our child. It's not irresponsible or make you a bad parent to go out and have a good time. When going out is your first priority then it's a problem. Family should always come first but I think that's true regardless of whether or not you have children.

It's imperative that you have time with your friends, your husband has time with his friends and you both have some couple time alone doing whatever you enjoy doing (it doesn't have to be partying). That doesn't make you a bad parent it makes you someone who recognizes that you're modeling good behavior for your kids. It shows then that you are your own person aside from being M., it shows them that it's ok to be without you for a little while, it gives them time to be with someone they don't normally get to spend time with, and it refills your "tank". It really does help you enjoy your family more when you've gotten to spend some time not as a wife, mother, cook, driver, coach, maid but as YOU!!! The you you are when you're not doing those jobs. Being a wife and mother doesn't have to define who you are. You can find balance and discover that you are still you but you happen to be a wife and mother too.

I'm wondering why you think you know the inner-workings of other people's families just based solely on whether or not they go out on a regular basis socially?

Most people (at least I think) go out socially to have fun & blow off steam that has built up specifically BECAUSE of all of the grown-up duties we all perform on a regular basis. Parents are people, too. Most people have adult social needs, that doesn't make their parenting abilities diminish.

Due to baby-sitter shortages in my area, my husband & I only go out a few times a year together, but he goes out regularly with his friends & I go out occassionally with mine so the other one is home with the kids. Does this make us bad parents? I certainly don't think so. We have gone on 1 vacation in our 13 years together without our kids & guess where we went~~Disney World! Did we leave our kids to fend for themselves? Of course not. The reason we went alone was because we needed adult time together (he had just gotten home from a 4 month deployment overseas) & we didn't think the kids were old enough at the time to be able to handle the very long days that a trip to Disney entails (they were 4 & 6 at the time). It was the most relaxing & fun week of my life. We have since taken our kids to Disney World as well which was also amazing, but I don't regret for one second going away without them.

I'm with Riley J. that while you're not a prude, you're trying to justify the way you live by saying that people who choose not to live the same "I'm on Mom-duty every millisecond of my life" as being irresponsible.

I am much older than you. My kids are teenagers. We've left them exactly twice - both times with their grandparents. Once when we were relocating and I had to purchase a house and just last month when we had an overnight conference that was three hours from home.

We don't party. Our lives revolve around our children and their activities. We've only got our oldest until August, when he heads off to college. We've got the youngest for 2 more years and we're going to make the most of it. They don't stay little long enough and once they are college students, they're off living their own lives. That's how it should be.

Enjoy your children.
There is plenty of time to live it up. Just be sure that you enjoy your spouse and don't lose yourselves in the process of raising your kids.

LBC

i gather this isn't a real question but a solicitation for solidarity.
is anyone really arguing that one should eschew nursing in favor of partying, or put one's children last? are these 'friends' really planning to get drunk on halloween, ignore their children's needs, and endanger everyone on the roads? do you REALLY think you might just be the 'only one' not in favor of this?
i do support parents going out and leaving their children for weekends and even a week. i support grandparents getting to enjoy their grandkids all for themselves. i think children are happier and more secure if they are able to withstand the parents' occasional absences while they're left in good, capable, loving hands. i agree that parents are better parents for being able to step out the role briefly from time to time.
i don't know anyone who supports parents who don't want to be involved.
but i think they're two different topics.
khairete
S.

Nope, you're not the only one. I'm not as young as you so my friends priorities are a bit different, but I haven't been out in a LONG time because as a single mom it's hard for me to find a sitter and, honestly if I could I don't know that I'd want to go out all the time. Once in a while, yes...but I want to read her to sleep, tuck her in, give her a bath and totally be there for her (mentally and physically) in the AM. Good for you mom for putting your kids first.

I think your marriage should always rank as important as your children... Because keeping your marriage healthy directly impacts the welfare of the children. Unfortunately, spending time with your spouse (without the distraction from your kids) often gets lower priority amid the demands of child-rearing.. And the friendship between the spouses often suffers or diminishes. It takes effort to stay connected with your spouse... That being said, I don't think we should fault parents who make time to go away and have one-on-one couple time. Maybe if more couples did make their marriage as high of a priority as childrearing, there wouldn't be quite so many couples who grow apart and divorce...

Just because someone goes out and drinks or goes away for a weekend without their kids certainly doesn't mean their kids are not a priority or that they don't put their kids first. Perhaps they realize they must be sane in order to be a good parent! If I didn't get out with my husband and my friends on a regular basis, I would be nuts -and MEAN! If they do it all the time -multiple nights a week or are gone without the kid weekend after weekend -that's not good, but there's nothing wrong with taking a vacation and leaving the kids in good hands -in fact, it's GREAT for your marriage. Putting your kids first doesn't have to mean you never get to do what you want to anymore.

I don't like it when people say holidays are all about the kids. Yes -it's LOTS of fun to have kids and do things with kids on Halloween and Christmas and Easter, but I really enjoyed those holidays before having them and many of my child-free and single friends also enjoy them. I have a good friend who throws a HUGE Halloween (adults only) party every year that we wouldn't miss. It's not on Halloween night, so who cares? This year, I'll be taking my children to our neighborhood Halloween parade and festival, which I also help organize, and then going out that night with my hubby to a Halloween concert and party, and I guarantee you I plan to develop a nice buzz! We take cabs and suck it up the next day if we've had too many, so I fail to see the problem. The next night we're having a few kids over for a little party and then all going trick or treating. There will be adult beverages for the parents, but having some drinks doesn't mean everyone gets drunk. I always look forward to the numerous Christmas parties -again, adult affairs -that we attend every year. The kids are asleep anyway at night! Not once will our kids not come first, but when I had children I didn't decide to quit living myself. It does kids good to see their parents go out and have fun -especially with each other. My parents were never drinkers ,but they went to parties and concerts and social things all the time, and I LOVED seeing my mom all dressed up and knowing they had fun -and I enjoyed getting to stay with a sitter. If you go out and party all the time -that's not good -but adults need their own time to do their own thing -regularly! I think it's so sad to see people become parents and completely lose themselves, their individuality and what made them tick as a couple. I had my children in my late 30s because I wanted to travel and sow my wild oats in my 20s, and I wanted to be married awhile before having children. However, just because I sowed most of my oats doesn't mean I don't have any left!

You read my mind!!! I've been a bit heated about this same thing! So many friends are out drinking and taking vaca's without the kids! They post pictures of their drinks, their partying, the vacation spots... UGH. If it means you're a prude, I'm one, too! I think our priorities are different, and we are modeling the behavior we want our children to exhibit... the others may find their kids carrying on like them at very young ages! Oh well, to each their own. Keep on doing the right things for you!! You rock!

I don't think you are prudish at all, but rather a responsible mom who has prioritized her kids before all else. Nothing wrong with that. I'm the same way, but then again, I was never a big drinker to begin with.

I can't imagine going out and getting sloshed, even if you have left your kids with trusted caregivers. What happens if your child or the caregiver gets sick and has to go to the hospital, and then the parents are too drunk to take over for the caregiver, or be in any condition to be visiting a hospital. My hubby's friends are all "work hard, play hard" type of people, and it drives me INSANE, since they are in their early 30s and are still partying like college kids. Some people never grow up. Thank God you have :)

No. You're not the only one.
These "friends" of yours sound pretty pitiful.
imo.

.

You are NOT the only one. To me it isn't even so much that the kids come first, while I think they are a priority for sure, I was a wife before I was a mother and so my relationship with my husband needs to be at the forefront. My personal opinion is that a married woman has no business being in the "singles" scene and partying it up without her husband. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I like to have a good time, but we don't need to be loaded to do it. Mind you, we only have one child and she is 10-months-old, but we felt this way before her. I just don't get it honestly.

All this is to say that you are not a prude, but rather you have your priorities straight.

Hello Mom2KCK,

I commend you for being a good mom!!!!! It must be difficult being a young mom, but your maturity does not make you prude. You made a decision to put your daughter first, and I love that!

I am 37 and had my kids later in life - they are 2 and a half and 8 months. Did I go out and party like your friends are doing when I was younger? Yes. Do I regret it? YES! I regret it because I look back at how much money I wasted just to go out and buy alcohol and I have nothing to show for it. Now that I have children, I can think of a million ways that money could have been better spent!!!

And think about what your partying friends are missing out on...the holidays are so much fun with little ones!! And the memories will last a lifetime - if you went out drinking, you may not have many clear memories...lol

Hang in there! Don't be too hard on yourself! You are doing a great job!

Enjoy your little one,
L.

You are an exception and I admire you and your level of comittment-the little ones do come first-and they are little for a very, very brief time. Now don't let us catch you going wild in your thirties!

Sounds to me like you grew up. Be happy about it. Acting adult and taking responsibility - especially for your kids and your life - is not prudish or being 'too good'. If you criticized other people for their choices, called them 'BAD', then, THAT might be prudish and possibly self-righteous. They will have to face the consequences for their actions soon enough. Hopefully, they'll wake up to what they're missing, rather than ineffectively mourning their (what?...) lost youth (?!) and supposed freedom, before that.

If you drink and drive, you risk an accident. Accidents can happen anyway, but are MUCH less likely when you're alert. If you're dead or severely disabled, you can't do much for your kids and family then. You don't get a 'do-over' if you're dead. That's the reality people hide from.

You seem to have come to grips with reality and consequences, and are behaving accordingly. It doesn't mean that you're a stick-in-the-mud. You can have lots more fun AND be able to enjoy it, when you're awake and alert. (Seriously, what's fun about staggering around, passing out, being hung-over, or vomiting in a toilet? What's fun about trashing your brain?)

Your kids are receiving great benefit by your attention and care. Early childhood years are very precious. Many of the attitudes and approaches to life that we keep are formed by or before age 8. You are serving as an example they will remember. When they're grown, you'll get the delicious pleasure of continuing to have fun together with a rich closeness and respect that you are laying the foundation for right now.

Have compassion for the others, and (quietly) pat yourself on the back.
Try not to burn out - which will reduce your ability to enjoy everyone - with all your activities. Mom needs to take care of mom, or everyone won't do as well. Congrats on making good choices!

I don't know if we are the norm but I am with you on this. The people you have described no doubt love their children but tend to be from the "me generation" attitude and in my opinion act as if children are their accessories. They leave them with family or friends so they can have their "me" time, add that to their work time and sleep time and I have to wonder exactly when they interact with their children. Some have children and then hand them to others to raise so they aren't bothered.

Parents that have a few drinks and then drive home are not modeling good behavior. They don't think that when their child starts driving, they have already seen that mom or dad thinks drinking and driving is ok. Those that do this with their kids in the car anger me!

Not to say that a drink here and there is bad but for those that don't go out and party, I still see them drinking/getting drunk...what would they do if there was a family emergency and they had to go to the hospital or help thier hurt child?

I am not saying a mom or dad shouldn't have some "me" time but they need to realize that they are still a mom or dad 100% of the time.

Those mom's aren't really mom's. I call them when it's convenient mom. They want to still be carefree. You are the real parent and your kids statistically will be the kids that wont be messed up (although some slip through even the best of parents) Nothing prude about what you are doing and you DESERVE the happy hour. Although if you are the DD every time I don't think that's fair, unless that's how you want it to be. Ask if someone will take turns. You deserve that occasional drink.
I'm super happy because this Halloween since my son is only 1 I'm going to a Halloween party and my parents are babysitting, but it's more of a hang out and relax than an actual party. Super excited to go out!!! We deserve it every now and then.

I think you have your priorties in order. Husband kids come first. They are probably not the most attentive moms if they are out partying. However its possible they have a responible person or grandparent watching the kids.

Being a mom I never seem to get a break...not even when I am going to the bathroom. I would not have any desire to go clubbing any longer. I want to home with my family.

ommmm..
if you cant pat yourself on the back, find someone who can do it for you.
babies come before you, both in the dictionary, and in life.
K. h.

I am in the same position you are. I can count on one hand how many times I have been away from my kids overnight. I get sick when I do have to leave them. I also had my first at 20, and rarely drink - even now that I'm not pregnant or nursing anymore. I didn't leave my first overnight with someone else (Grandma) until I was in the hospital when my daughter was born (hubby was deployed at the time, otherwise I think I would have sent him home to stay with our son). I think it is personal preference, but I also have a hard time relating to those people who leave their newborns with a sitter overnight so they can have a good time and not worry about it. Nights out are great, and well deserved, but I enjoy them the most when they are in moderation. I guess I have just never been that big of a partier...

I believe there are moms out there who have children for "status" or because it is the thing to do, but don't take the role seriously. I also know parents are incredible and who are much happier to go out in the evenings and we all know we are better parents when we are happier. We have take care of ourselves to take care of our kids... I agree - these moms are not BAD, but it is not my lifestyle. I don't think I'd have the energy!

I did not look at the other answers yet, but my children are grown. Yet I understand exactly how you feel, we stayed home and we did not go out. Yes, we had some drinks at home sometimes, and we went to things that required a return response (weddings, etc) but I agree, you are not a prude you are making sure your children are loved, cared for, and I will say I always made my children come first. How that pans out in the long run, I do not know. But I would like to think that our children are so important that we would not take risks that would possibly cause us to lose them. Maybe some people get away with this, I do not know, but I think you are on the right track..