Is Complete Honesty the Best Policy in This Situation?

Some good responses below. You might just have to say "I'm not comfortable with it," without offering explanations.

I've gotta say, her ranty texts would be enough to make me wonder about her.

If you dont care if they like you, tell the truth. Maybe they will see the light, maybe not. But, there is nothing to lose. Just tell her that you dont feel that they are being supervised and why.

Text her back, "I admit that there's a reason behind it, but I would rather discuss something like this face to face." Then be honest.

I would text her back with something like "Sorry I missed your texts. I was busy with *insert what you were doing here* I've told the kids I'd prefer they all play outside where I can keep an eye on them."

If she pushes the issue, then say "Well, your husband left a 7 & 4 year old home alone with my kids. That's illegal. I like to know where my kids are, and that there is an adult supervising."

And then leave it at that.

simply say "I prefer to be able to keep an eye on the kids. This is my comfort zone."

Are there other neighbors that your kids play with? If not, then simply say that those are your rules. Period.
It becomes more nuanced if you have other neighbors that your kids CAN go into their homes to play. In that case, maybe you might consider changing ALL the rules (inside nobody's home).
You didn't mention how old your kids are.... that might matter, too.

ETA: Personally, I find it kinda odd that she is texting you to ask why your kids can't come in and play... for several reasons. 1) why not just walk over and talk to you face to face? You're neighbors, close enough that your kids and hers are apparently outside together all the time, and I'm going to go ahead and assume that she knows your kids can't come inside because they are OVER THERE IN HER YARD saying so... so why doesn't she walk over and just TALK to you? 2) I would not question it if a neighbor didn't want their kids inside my house (except on a formal arranged "playdate").... I would take that as a sign of careful parenting, taking proper precautions. Not as a sleight of any kind. 3) I would be GLAD that the neighbor kids weren't tramping through my house in and out constantly, frankly. And at the ages of yours? 9, 7 and 4? I'd be glad I wasn't responsible for the 4 year old.

But maybe that's just me... That is sort of how WE were raised... the outside areas are more like neutral ground. If you needed to go to the bathroom, or get a drink, you ran home (or maybe got some water from the hose, we didn't go inside and get a glass or a bottle of water from their garage, ya know?). Nobody was playing inside each other's houses....it was all outside. Bikes. Trampolines. Swingsets. Horses. Dogs. Cats. Dirt. Trees. Those BigWheels.... And we had 3 acre yards... we weren't playing 12 steps from our own front door.

Just some thoughts:
First, you are absolutely the one to decide whether and where your kids go. Noone should argue with you on this. You get to decide, and only you.

Second, the concerns you raise are regarding the husband's lack of attention to the kids, not hers. Each time, the husband has been the one to roll in, in a fog. Maybe she's away working, or taking care of a sick relative or friend. She needs to know that hubby is being irresponsible. Maybe that's why she's been so anxious to talk to you. Something may be happening there and she needs to know if her kids are in danger?

Honesty may very well be the best policy here. No need to criticize her, just tell her straight up what you've encountered. Maybe her kids can come by you on pre-set days and times.

I vote that you give her bullet points on an email (not text message - text messages are really hard to read.) Write it, walk away, look at it again, walk away, and then look at it again. Edit it to use as few words as possible, but include each and every thing you have detailed here. However, at the very beginning, say the words "lack of supervision".

Though you really cannot sugar coat this message, you don't have to be pissy with her. Choose your words carefully and try not to put emotion in it.

If you DON'T answer her question, she will end up grabbing you in the yard, or calling you on the phone, or ringing your doorbell. You are going to HAVE to address it. She has made that clear. However, you have an advantage writing it because you have time to think about what you want to say and you can edit it.

Good luck. (Oh, and by the way, you are doing the right thing by not letting your kids go over anymore.)

Dawn

I would tell her that you think that your kids are too young to be in a house without adults. That you aren't judging, but it's not what you choose for your kids.

Just blame it on yourself instead of her. Say, i'm just too much of a helicopter parent to be comfortable leaving my kids. Basically its me not you.

Honesty is best. Your want to be ablle to see your children. I woiuld tell her about coming over to get your kids and no one comes to the door. You owe her nothing. Your kids your rules.

You text her back and say : First of all your accusations are inappropriate. I didn't say anything or do anything to make you freak out in this way. Stop it. I don't have anything against the kids coming over. However, I feel more comfortable hosting playdates here. Stop reading into things that aren't there.

Hope this helps!

While you realize her parenting won't change - they just might - tell her the truth.

Tell her why you are NOT comfortable with your children in her home:
1. No adult was present
2. No one answered the door.
3. My child was injured and no adult was present.
4. Your child had to come to MY home to use the phone since they couldn't find yo.

Your children are welcome in our home. This is how **I* parent. I feel that my children NEED my proximity and supervision. Tell this to her FACE. Not via text.

Keep it friendly for the kids sake. Her kids sound tough and you do not want them angry at your child! BTW--you are right. Keep them home! The place sounds too laissez faire for my taste.

Honesty! She has a right to know what she has done wrong, in your opinion, so she then has the opportunity to make changes if she chooses to.

You know, you have a lot of years being next door neighbors...be as civil as possible.

My vote is leaning towards being honest, because she did indeed ask. And it might help her to hear from you, in a constructive way, what irks you about her parenting style. Just explain that the two of you don't mesh when it comes to....xyz... So until my youngins' are older and wiser, my rules are to stay out where I can keep an eye on them. Because that statement is the truth.

If she had not asked you for an explanation, then you don't owe her one and you can make your own parenting rules anyhow.

Just remember, you do not need to negotiate with her, just simply inform her. There will come a time when you might need this relationship to be on better terms.

I would tell her. Either that or her imagination is going to go overboard.

You do know this will more than likely split the neighborhood though. They will have friends that side with them and shun your kids then you'll have some that will stop being around them and so forth.

It is better to just be honest in a nice way and then suggest that the kids only play outside at either home. That the kids are not allowed in either home.

I would do exactly what Jennifer H. posted. Good luck! What a lovely neighbor . . .

Absolutely tell her. But do it nicely and mater of fact.

I love that our kids are friends, however, I am concerned about the lack of supervision while at your house. Then give the dad leaving the kids alone example and that should be plenty. The weight on the toe, I'd chalk that up to an accident.

It really don't matter if she agrees with you or not, your kids, your rules.

And by the way - good for you. Children at that age need supervision.

I'd just keep being vague. Sorry, you're just more comfortable with your kids playing together at your own house because it seems to work out better that way. Tell her it's not a single incident, but a pattern of experiences that just lead you to believe this is for the best for now. No matter what, I would not go into details about the incidents. You're just giving her fodder for argument. Ask her to respect your wishes and be honest and tell her you feel bad because you don't want to have a bad relationship with her, and this isn't easy for you. Would she please respect your decision on this subject? You aren't saying your children cannot be friends. If you can muster, say something nice about her kids or about the kids' friendships if you have something sincere and positive you can say to her.

In this situation, I would be honest about her kid throwing the weight on your daughter's toe and the unsupervised kids while her husband was away driving another kid. These two are very dangerous situations so you have all the right to bring them up, maybe these two need a wake up call to take better care of their kids.

Since they live next door be honest but polite; by the way I'm REALLY put off by the aggressive tone of her texts. You can tell this person has no regards for other people's boundaries at all.
I hope everything turns out ok.

Can you give an example of the incident that decided for you? We can answer better to that?

Otherwise, Jane's "I'm a helicopter parent" answer is probably the best way to go.

ADD: I think the helicopter answer works well. If you want to give her a head's up - perhaps she doesn't realize her hubby's not thinking intelligently re. kid supervision, you could let her know that THAT specific incident has you concerned because you're not comfortable with the young ones being without an adult for any length of time. Gives a solid, rational reason, and a heads up in case she doesn't know he did that.

"Incident"?
Like:
She smokes in the house? Honesty
She has her brother living there and he's a registered sex offender? She knows--and she's ticked!
She's drunk 99% of the time?
She's a Satanist?
Lol
Seriously, I think the circumstances might make a difference in my answer....
So....sorry, can't answer.
Depending in the severity of the "issue" you've gotta keep in mind your kids will likely all be friends, being neighbors, and you live right next door....
Not saying you'd have to change your rule--just how you handle it.

I would absolutely tell her, "Lack of supervision" and leave it at that. No one has any business leaving a 7 and 4 year old home alone for any reason.

I would not appreciate her demanding attitude. Thank goodness you are not worried about being friends with her! You may need to tell her to back off.

Edit* I just read the other answers and I happen to like Jennifer H's answer better than mine. Go with her suggestion! :)

Simply tell her the truth, you don't have to go into too much detail but you can say that you are not comfortable with the level of supervision that your kids have had at her house. Even if you don't tell her your reasoning, expect for her to hate you now, it's kind of inevitable. Her kids may be told not to play with yours now as well. It is a trade off, but you have basically already made that choice so now you have to live with the consequences. Good luck!

My mom never allowed me to go in the neighbor's house because she wouldn't be able to find me if I did. I lived next door to my best friend. If my children lived next door to their best friend, I'd have the same policy.
I'm not sure telling her would do any good and my neighbor's hate us because their dog wakes us up at night so I don't suppose I'd be any help there either. I'd keep it vague and tell her the "I am more comfortable" line you worked out. Seems perfect to me.

Agreed, need to know the incidents before I'd decide if I'd say anything.

ETA: Yes I'd be honest and tell her! In a nice but firm way that you're just not comfortable with your kids going over there. Then give all the examples exactly as you said here.

My daughter is not allowed in any of our neighbors houses. I want her where I can keep on eye on her. You never know what goes on in other peoples houses. And, yes some of the neighbors let their kids come in my house to play with my daughter & that is their choice. I would not be offended if they preferred they stay outside. And, after reading your so what happened. There is NO way I'd let my daughter go in their house. To keep peace, I would just say I feel more comfortable with your daughter playing where you can see her. If you tell her the reasons you better believe it will cause more tension. And that is soooo odd that she is so concerned why can't your daughter go in her house?