Inappropriate Photos of Parts

At first it seemed a funny, silly boy thing to do but then when you mentioned he also took photos of his 4 yo sister it took a different turn. You mention that you assume they are just "parts" meaning you haven't seen the pictures yourself? Are you sure he took the photos? So many questions arise in this scenario. I suggest you see the photos first, then talk to your son in a quiet setting before bringing in your daughter. I hope it really was just silliness.

Hi C.,

One thing I would encourage - instead of sitting down to "tell" your son a bunch of stuff.... I would approach it from a "tell me what you were thinking" point of view. ASK him questions. What made him want to take pics of himself? HOW did he get his sister to undress and go along with it. What did he think would happen when the film was developed? Who were the pictures for and what was he going to do with them? etc etc etc etc.

I would NOT have this conversation with the two of them together. 9 and 4 are too different in age.... plus your 9 year old was the instigator, right? So the conversation you have with him (not only did he take pics of HIS parts, but he coerced someone else to take pics of their parts.... ) is a WAY different conversation than - "how did your brother ask you to remove your clothes? Where and how did he touch you?" converation that you want to have with your daughter. if you talk to them both at the same time you will inhibit both of them from communicating and they will not open up - which is what you want.

Remember...... If you are only doing 20% of the talking - then you aren't nagging!!!!!!!!! And at 9, he is old enough to give you answers. You just have to ask the questions in a way that will get him to open up. You are there to guide him away from making this mistake and using bad judgement again NOT to freak him out and make him fear what will happen from you in the future if he makes a "mistake" or uses bad judgement.

Good Luck.

I'm concerned that maybe he didn't take the pictures. I would be careful not to shame him and let him know that if anyone asks him to keep secrets from you it's even more important that he tell you.

After the conversation about why and all the other things previous mamas posted below...please have a serious talk about boundaries. I just can't believe a 9 year old would have the inclination to picture his little sister's privates. That is honestly, not something I think the average 9 year old would want to do. I really don't think it is. I think you should dig, and see if anyone has ever suggested taking pictures of privates, showed him pictures they took, etc. My first inclination, would be to think he got the idea somewhere. Like I said, I'm not sure he would naturally have this idea of taking pictures of his sister. He needs to understand how serious this is. How much trouble you and the camera owners could get into. How much of a violation on his sister that is. Your daughter needs to be taught to say NO to pictures of her privates NO MATTER who it is. She needs to be taught to run away and tell someone.

Document everything you talk to your son and daughter about. Just make sure you have an incredibly thorough notes of what all was said and gone through. Put them in your computer, so there is a time and date stamp. If (God forbid!) CPS gets involved with this, you need something to show you have really taken this seriously, and have tackled the situation completely.

I would have him apologize to his sister if he took it upon himself to photograph her. I would also have him write an apology to the friend for inappropriately using the camera before returning it. I would also ask him where he got the idea. Did a friend tell him? Or did he come up with it on his own?

WindyCityMom also has a lot of good ideas. You also need to make sure YOU are covered because people have been investigated by CPS for less.

I know this was a complicated and delicate situation. But I wonder and worry , if the discussions (particularly the one between your husband and son) actually created a forum to discuss why this occurred and how -- or if it was just reprimanding and punitive. Because, most importantly you need to understand if your son actually took the photos, or if he was asked to by someone else (it is after all, a teenagers camera). In addition, has he ever done this with anyone else, or seen photos of this kind, or been asked to pose for something like this by someone else.

As another poster suggested -- creating a neutral discussion in which your children can open up to you about what happened would be the goal. Particularly (since this was a teenagers camera) to make sure that your son was indeed the one taking the photos -- and not the victim of someone convincing him to do it.

i would be particularly interested in finding out what kind of exposure he is having to sexting etc by the teenager living in your home, or her friends. And would try to find out if there are any inappropriate materials,conversations , websites, etc that he has been exposed to . Again , it just seems so odd that it was a teenagers camera that this occurred on -- it makes me wonder what else was on it. Also, that the other family reviewed all the photos in the camera, makes me wonder if they have been having any sexting issues themselves with their daughter. .

This situation brings up a lot of questions -- and I hope that your children will feel they can talk to you about what went on -- and that a dialogue is possible. Your daughter particularly seems to be in a situation now where she is being punished for something she was actually victimized by. She should not be put in a situation where she has to "earn her freedoms back" She should be learning from this situation that your body is private and that you should be strong and say no when someone violates your boundaries or asks you to do something that is wrong.

I worry that they are both being punished instead of fully understood -- and that the motivations and circumstances that surrounded this situation have not been fully investigated.

They are still children, and still learning -- and if they feel they can always talk to you, no matter what the situation -- then everyone will benefit in the long run

I haven't read any other posts yet but have had an ongoing similar experience with a young person in my life. You (parents) definitely need to address it head on with him. My experience is with an older young person, and I focus on a "healthy sexuality". Even innocent curiosities can run amok and become something depraved. We want for none of this to translate to any type of predatory behavior.

Modern technology is something, isn't it?

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Ok, so this is a very touchy subject. I think one of the questions you may want to ask is who did he learn this from. He obviously learned from someone that taking pictures like this was ok. Yes, you do need to separate thim. You also need to ask your daughter and son separately if anyone has ever touched them in a way that may have been inappropriate. Thank God they are young and able to nip it in the bud while they are still impressionable.

Wish you the best!

Hi C.,

Wow. This is a tough one. I agree with some of the others that you should question the children separately. I would start with your daughter. Ask her "Has anyone ever touched you privates?" Has anyone ever taken pictures of your privates?". End that conversation with "Your privates are yours and nobody else may ever touch them or look at them". Then move on to your son. Let him know that you came across these photos on the camera. If you act calm and nonchalant about it, he may open up more. Once he tells you why he did what he did, then stress the importance of keeping privates private especially other people's. If it were my son, I'd even go as far as to say "if someone found those pictures and put them on the internet, you could go to juvenile detention". In these kinds of situations, it doesn't hurt to scare them a little. The goal is to get him to never do this again. Best of luck!