In Desperate Need of Advice on Relationship Issue!!

I'm sorry but I would not tolerate that from my husband. We are a team and we act like a team. I know when he comes home tired to give him a little break but I don't let that become his excuse everytime I need him to help.

You need to sit him down and tell him what you feel. I wouldn't care if he admitted if he was right or wrong after an arguement, as long as he'd help out.

If all else fails and you don't mind living in a mess for about a week, I'd go on strike ;)

Im going to give you some advice that I have been given. You are not going to change him, it sounds like you know that. No matter what you say it is not being received by him. The only person that will change your husband is God. I am not sure where your faith is, but the best thing you can do it pray for your husband and pray for God to change his heart. I have a book I would recommend, it is called "For Better or for Best" by Gary Smalley. I hope this helps. :)

My best friend is going through this and I'll give you the same advice I gave her (it worked for her). You're the one paying the bills, right? This means a LOT to a man. If you're in control of the finance, you're also in control of the electricity and the *computer games* because you control what gets paid (what I'm suggesting is to turn off the internet and hold the video games ransom). By you paying the bills, your husband also doesn't see where his hard-earned money is going. In his mind, he just hands his check over to you to do with what you want. He doesn't understand why you're expecting him to have a second job (clean the house) when he doesn't even see what happens with the money from his first job. I would suggest that you ask him to "help" you pay the bills. Maybe he could balance the check book after the bills are paid. For my friend's husband, this worked wonders. He had no idea just how much money they spent on groceries. He got very upset when he found out, so my friend sent HIM to the grocery store with the list and let him try to figure out a way to get it all cheaper. This made him feel a little more in control of the house and he wound up helping her out because she didn't have to grocery shop that month.

I would also TELL him that your job as mommy is over as of 9:00pm. Every night. At 9:00, he is required to take care of all crisis. From 9:00-10:00, go take a candlelit bath and read a romance novel. Turn on the music and lock the door. The kids are now daddy's responsibilities, as are the dishes if they didn't get done during your "shift." This may encourage him to help you while you are "on duty" so that he doesn't have any responsibilities when it's his turn. Men don't usually understand the control issues of the house. If you take control and tell him how the children are expected to be raised, he may conform. If he doesn't, SHOW him how much it's going to cost if you hire a housekeeper and babysitter for the days that you're at work. Obviously, someone has to do the housework. If he's not willing to do it while you're at work, hire a housekeeper! Just make sure she knows to throw out the video games by accident! :o)

I can definitly say I've been there. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we were ina similar situation when our kids were little. Same thing with the oldest being from a different relationship, youngest being ours. There was a lot (and still is sometimes) of resentment about her not being his. we had other issues different form yours, but essentially it boils down to the same thing....I worked my butt off and got no respect or thank you's and I had to fight just to get a few minutes to myself (to shower) with no interuption. Eventually we ended up going to counseling. My father-in-law stepped in and helped, he talked to my husband (told him he was going to go) and offered to pay the co-pay (we were broke) I can honestly say this is what saved us. My husband realized he wasn't pulling his weight and I realized I had some issues to work out also. I highly recommend getting outside help, he will never see it otherwise. hope this helps.

My ex was a lot like that. He was on disability (back injury), but he was not so badly disabled that he couldn't do anything. I worked full-time, and would often be greeted when I got home with "Hi, I'm starved. How soon is dinner?" He didn't clean because he said that vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, or bending over to clean bathrooms hurt his back. He spent most of his days in his recliner watching tv. He would call me at work to ask what there was to eat - all he had to do was look in the fridge and pantry. He wouldn't even pick up his own clutter - there was stuff stacked on every flat surface in the house, and he would have a fit if I threw out a stack of old newspapers if he hadn't finished reading them. I told him that after this long, whatever was in them wasn't news any longer.
He would write checks for bills, not record them, and not tell me he had written them. I would use the debit card at the supermarket, and then,of course, the checks would bounce. We were constantly overdrawn.
He couldn't clean the house without hurting his back, but he was always ready for sex, and couldn't understand why I wasn't.

The man I'm married to now isn't like that, because we dealt with all that before we decided to live together. I work full time, he's a full time grad student and teaches part time. We split the cleaning chores, we take turns cooking. If I cook, he cleans up the kitchen and vice versa. We maintain separate bank accounts and split the bill paying. He covers the rent, gas for his car, and the three cell phones, I cover car, health, and renter's insurance, gas for my car, and utilities. We keep a running grocery list, and add items to it as we see that we're getting low. We take turns doing the marketing, and we often do it together. Everyone in our household is picky about how their laundry is done, so he does his, my daughter does hers.

As a reult of my expereince with my ex, I have little patience for that kind of behavior. If he has time to play video games, he has time to help with the upkeep of the house. He lives there too, he creates part of the mess, and child care does not automatically default to the one with the most estrogen. HE knew when he married you that your 5-year-old was part of the package, and he helped make the 1-year-old, so he can damn well help take care of him. He needs to nad up and start acting like a man and not a spoiled little boy. You're his partner, not his maid. Not to mention the fact that he is setting a terrible example for the boys regarding how to behave and how to treat the women who will come into their lives later. And if he does not respect you, pretty soon your sons won't either.
If he won't listen when you ask for help, then you have to get the message across another way. Stop picking up behind him. Tell him from now on, you will clean up after yourself and the children, but not him. The 5-year-old is old enough to be able to pick up and put away his own toys. I'd start drilling him on that if you haven't already.
Stop cooking if he won't help in the kitchen. Buy bread and cold cuts and make sandwiches for dinner every night for a while.

I know exactly how you feel. At the beginning after having our son 11 weeks ago, I had a c-section. My husband spoiled me with so much attention to where it was a little overwhelming. He did not want me to depend on my family for any help, but he did not understand that I needed him for emotional support more than just cooking and going places for us.

Now that I can get around on my own, he is back to work, we have our little agruments. The best thing I can tell you K. no matter what, keep talking to him, instead of coming off saying what he does not do, when the kids are sleeping, make time for each by just cuddling on the couch, turn off phones, light candles and tell him the things you appreciate he does and look him in the eyes and tell him what you need from him but at the same time leave the door open for him to allow him to express what he needs from you and both of you have to understand each not only as mother and father but as husband and wife. Someimes us as women feel like men are always the one that has to be romantic because that is what we are used to but if you have a sitter, make plans to go on a date without him knowing. Make reservations at a restaurant that is very imitate and take him for a ride. I know it is hard because my husband wants us all to be together all the time as a family because he does not want to depend on any body. But I know that he trust his sister to sit for us so for his birthday, I just told him hey we are going somewhere and your sister is coming to be with our son. He did not like it at first but once we were out, he enjoyed everything and was glad we had that alone time. So try that. I did this again without it being a special occassion and he was fine. But most of K. I am a religious believer, when you guys talk make sure to put God first and ask him to guide you both and it will all work out. Do not give up because trust me I still feel that way. I was told children can be a big adjustment on marriages, it is God sweetest gift, but at the same time it is all about balancing your time and getting things on a schedule as well. Have some alone time other that showers when the kids are sleep. Plan one evening a week to have hubby and wife time and most important make Sundays family time, whether it is resting in the house, going to the park, or even to the Zoo. It can work. I hope this was some what helpful, because I am in the same situation and I am going to definitely have to balance my time when I return to work in two more weeks.

You know, going on strike or something like that is all well and good...but I know in my house, it doesn't work. I go on strike and things just pile up worse and worse until I blow a gasket and start screaming at everyone that nothing gets done. I've been having almost this same headache (as I'm sure most of us do at one time or another). My husband is a full-time student at the moment and is working part-time. I am working full-time. Of course, my husband has had the summer off from school, but still works his 3 days a week in the evenings. My house right now looks like a disaster. My son & my husband sit at home doing nothing but dirtying it up for me. I haven't cleaned in about 2 weeks now...it's just getting dirtier.

All I can say is that sitting down & talking to him is the best course. My husband & I sat down & discussed this just 2 nights ago. We made a schedule for this weekend for both of us (and a schedule of things for him & my son to do during this week). If it doesn't work talking to him about it & he still refuses, maybe some sort of counseling should be looked into. You seem very determined to make things work for you guys BUT he has to be determined too. He has to make an effort or he'll drive you away eventually.

I know exactly what you are talking about. So finally I just started being sloppy and not picking up after myself so then my husband would have to do it. He is able to stay home because he receives disability but I go to school full time and take care of our little girl. He finally got the hint when he asked me one day "why did you stop picking up after yourself and cleaning up? Are you getting lazy?" I told him "Nope. I just thought that if you could be sloppy so could I." Least to say the chores are now evenly divided.

Buy Dr. Phil's book "Relationship Rescue" and then hit him with it, hard. I would recomend the hard-back version for this purpose.

I have been there before. I beleave if you start reading your Bible alote and ask God to help you it well get alote better for you . It helped me and now I am telling my kids the samething . My daughter was going throw it and she turned to God and it is alote better he helps with Supper and gives his daughter a bath when she is cooking and when she goes for her bath he puts her to bed so try that for a week and see what happens . Hope you all the best and God Bless