In-laws and What Would You Do?

Just tell her you already arranged to have baptism where you live. You appreciate her thoughtfulness, but it is just not possible for all of you to come, but are hoping they can make it to you. End of discussion. Then arrange for his baptism this way you can give them the date.

Julie G. has got it right when she says "this is a husband problem not an in-law problem"!!!! I feel for you, I truly do, because I have been in a similar situation. The only difference, my husband has my back NO MATTER WHAT, and he told his mother that. He finally had to say something along the lines of "Mom, please don't make me choose between you and my wife. I will choose my wife." She quit all her antics after that. Good luck. I know it's unbelievably hard to be in this situation!

Well said, J.B.

I just deleted my long winded response that is neatly summarized with J.B.'s.

Copy and paste the wording of that email and press send. Tonight.

...and welcome that sweet baby to the world for us.

Oh wow. Since your husband has no backbone (or balls - sorry to be crude) I would nip this whole baptism thing in the bud right now and communicate with his parents directly. CC your husband on the e-mail:

"Thank you for your offer but we are not planning Junior's baptism right now. When we choose a date and location, we will let you and the family know. Please retract your initial message to the family so that there is no further confusion. If you aren't comfortable doing that, I will be happy to respond to everyone letting them know."

Then get your husband into counseling with you. This is bigger than this issue and really must be resolved. He needs to learn to set appropriate boundaries with his family.

Congrats on your baby, by the way - sorry you have to deal with this nonsense right now!

The main problem is with your husband. Fix that problem and the other stuff takes care of itself. I would go to counseling with him to sort through the issues and hopefully help him understand his role in life as a married man and where his loyalties lie. I would also explore how you can manage the situation better and take some of the stress off him when it comes to dealing with his parents.

No way am I sending my infant to a religious ceremony without me being there. Are they afraid that you won't baptize the baby? Do they not understand that - again - this is an issue with their SON and not YOU? After all he chose to marry you. If your religious convictions are different than his that's something that was hopefully explored before marriage.

Again - counseling if at all possible.

"He won't do ANYTHING to upset them, and would rather have me upset than them. What do I do?"

First, you make an appointment with a marriage counselor. That is years overdue. Your husband needs to put you first, not his parents. His behavior is unacceptable, disrespectful and unloving. He should not have married if he wasn't ready to leave their side, emotionally speaking.

Next, you tell your In Laws NO. Tell them you will be making plans, and after you do they will get an invitation. There will be no further discussion.

You also need to read the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.

You don't have a mother-in-law problem, you have a husband problem. You have a husband who won't say "no" or stand up to his own mother. Unfortunately he still needs her approval and probably doesn't realize that he doesn't need to earn her love.

If he refuses to call her or e-mail her to call of "her" baptism then it WILL fall to you. "We're already planning the baby's baptism in our own church here. Yes, we realize you already invited a lot of people, but those are your guests and not ours. You'd better let them know that there won't be a baptism in your church after all. When we have the details, we'll let you know and you and dad will receive your own invitations."

If your husband won't let you handle it, and won't handle it himself, then you need to get to marriage counseling ASAP.

Oh man!
If anyone ever tried something like that with me I'd have to either laugh in their face and tell them 'Nice dreaming but it's not going to happen!' or I'd have to rip them a new one (husband included) and I wouldn't care how old they are.

On the dubious bright side - you're going to out live them.
I'm not sure how long you are going to have to wait but eventually the only side left in this tug of war is going to be yours and Hubby better be on board with supporting it.

Since they are SO forthcoming with plans for others, you go ahead and plan their funerals for them.
Inform them where they will be buried, what sort of coffins, what sort of grave stone they will have, what sort of service it will be, etc and so forth.
I'd just love to be a fly on the wall when THAT conversation take place!

Just tell her flat out that you did not authorize them to plan your child's baptsm without consulting you, and thaty you will let them know when and where it will be.

Are you a part of a church? If so, then I would speak up and say "Actually, I want my child baptized in front of our congregation, so we can have a family event, but his BAPTISM will be here." You can also call that other pastor and express your reservations, since you are not members, etc. Or call your own pastor.

I do agree that the main problem is your DH in that he won't say, "No, that won't work". It is their waste of time if they signed you up for something you don't want to do (two days' travel with an infant? Really?) but your DH needs to stand up for you and your children.

Plan your own day at the church you regularly attend with the Pastor that will be the spiritual guide to your child, then email letting every one know when and where and apologizing if there has been any confusion, but that the date and time and place you list is the actual and only blessing. And then let the chips fall where they will.

Also, you need to have a very clear talk with your husband about how his behavior makes you feel. For years my husband never stood up for me with his family, and it made me feel like he did not consider me as much family as he did them. Once I made him really understand that he started getting better, but I had to push him some and make him see that even though he will always always love them 100%, he had to put me and our children first and stand up for us and protect us.

Yeah, I had Marie, too, for a mil. Til it turned much worse.

This is your H's problem. Because even though I had a Marie, my H stood up for me. He didn't have too much of a problem telling her how it was.

Your H has boundary issues. His wishes have been disregarded all his life. He doesn't know any different. He has an emeshed family, like "Everybody Loves Rayman". He needs some therapy to understand he is allowed choices that differ from his family. Try reading "Boundaries" together.

I would have the baby baptized there where you are and that's that. End of story. Never would I let my baby out of my care with these people. What they did was incredibly insensitive to plan things without you. Give them an inch and they will take a mile.

This is a discussion you should have had years ago, but sooooo many women I know have put it off. Look at your husband and say " I Need to be the #1 woman in your life. That is the Only way this relationship is going to work. That means when push comes to shove you support me over your mother, and right now I do not feel like I am being supported."

Then call the church that your MIL arranged the baptism and explain that the ceremony was arranged with out your consent, education, or approval. The church should call your MIL and tell her sorry but it ain't going to happen. The Catholic church does not support baptisms without parental consent, even requires parents to go through classes to understand the process.

If you would like to have him baptized, talk to your local church and arrange it yourself. Invite family and when they are surprised/shocked just act natural.

I agree with JB. Let them know that the you have not planned the baptism but will notify all interested parties when you do. JB's wording was perfect. My one that is that may hubby did more than talk to them about it and is now backstepping a bit because he realize he's been busted.

Regardless of what they assumed regarding where, they way overstepped when they actually planned it. Hubby needs to realize he married you not his parents.

Do NOT let them take your role in planning this unless you really want them to do it and continue this behavior. Do NOT let hubby take your son only to have you do a dedication later. YOU are the mother and should most definately be present at your child's baptism, regardless of which denomination you choose.

Your husband is the problem. Not the in-laws. A man sticks up for his wife. A boy worries about what his parents think because he is scared and wants their approval. Didn't you see this while dating him??

Work on your husband...very lovingly though. You and your husband plan your children's events. Then have him tell his parents what the two of you decided on.

I wish you the best...that would be so emotionally hard to know my thoughts,feelings,desires and wishes came last. I really am sorry...

I honestly think that I would not have had a fourth baby with him while things were like this, if it were so upsetting to me. (When I got married, I wanted to take a couple to a few years to get our relationship established, get into OUR rhythm and make sure that our bond was strong enough and ready for the things that would come next.)

Next, I think that I would have no problem hurting their feelings or disappointing them, if he weren't willing to do it. In response to the e-mail, I might have replied to all (following whatever rudeness they exhibited at your house) that this event was not set in stone so they should not save the date. Or maybe I'd RSVP that baby and I would not be in attendance, as we would have a prior engagement, and leave it at that. I wouldn't drag it out. If the date were closer, I might even have fun ignoring all the details concerning the event, until someone spoke directly to me about it. At that point, I would claim ignorance. I would let my husband know that either he can tell his parents that baby and I will not be participating or he can let them figure it out when we don't show up. Since they didn't consider consulting you, you have no obligation to address it with them at all.

There might be a cultural difference between us, so I don't know what options you actually have, but I wouldn't mind fighting with my husband on this. Things are out of order in your house, and I think that you have probably given him little to no reason to get things lined up as they should be. At this point, the tone has been set and patterns and dynamics created. You helped to lay a foundation where you and hubby are not partners. You're the only one who has a problem with the current status, so YOU will have to change it. You can probably start with a sitdown with him explaining that you started off wrong and need to get you guys on track. If counseling is an option, get in there. It's not going to be easy, because you'll be seen as going back on your word--unspoken word that this is all okay--but explain to him that you need this in order to feel important to him and at one with him, which is necessary for you to be the best wife and mother you can be. Be firm, but allow the occasional slip-up if you can see improvement.

ETA, following your SWH: I'm curious to know how he replied to you when you discussed with him this change. It sounds to me like there was good reason for him not to have been in contact with her. (Did you guys discuss THAT, by the way? It could have helped prepare you for what you're dealing with now.)

Instead of being mad at him, try to understand that he likely married you to be his champion in areas where he is just not strong. He can't stand up to his parents by himself. His first solution was to distance himself from them. Then, he thought that you might be a good buffer. Instead, they've come in and taken over again. By all means, feel free to speak up on behalf of your household. It might give your husband the courage to do the same.

They are 75 and 85. My dad died at 89 and my mama at 77. Do it for the sake of your husband. They won't be around much longer. He will resent you if you cause them grief. This may be their last hurrah.

I can't even imagine being in this situation, but I suppose they assumed since you allowed the last child to be baptized in their church you wouldn't mind doing it again. I think it is very fair for you to say that you feel that it would be more appropriate to have the child baptized in the church in which he will attend. Plan the baptism in your own church and invite the in-laws to attend. Then if your husband wants to take the baby to be dedicated in their church he can.

First get your husband on board with what you want to do. Then the easist thing to do may be to say thank you so much, that was so thoughtful of you to plan but that you don't want to wait that long to have the baby baptized. Being a catholic, she should know the church wants it done ASAP. My girls were baptized at 6 weeks.
Best of luck. Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work.

I think you should send out an e-mail to everyone she e-mailed saying she jumped the gun and you have not yet decided on baptism plans and that when you do YOU will send out the information/invites. I would copy your hubby on the e-mail and leave it at that.

I think you should let the baptism thing go, and just have the one that your in-laws arranged. Some things aren't worth fighting over. Let this one be a little gift for your inlaws, since they won't be around that much longer.

However, you have a pretty big problem in your marriage. Since your husband is unwilling to listen to you, you probably should insist on counseling, because he is treating you pretty rudely.

Other than counseling (since I have the feeling your husband is a little pigheaded, to say the least), I guess you could just try to appreciate your husband's love of his parents, and know that they will probably die within the next 10 years. Hopefully his parents are the only people for whom your husband totally disrespects you.

Good luck.

She planned it because she thinks you are not interested in a Catholic baptism. She must think this is more important to her than it is you.

I think you need to step up and say something to her along the lines of, I will plan the events of my children. Short sweet and to the point.

I would tell them all that, including your husband. I would let him know, he had no business entertaining them with your family plans.

It is such a double edged sword, but my gosh you have to put your foot down with some people.

I am normally pretty easy going with inlaw issues, I can let a lot go. This would piss me off.

The problem as I see it is that your husband pretty much gave his consent even if that wasn't his intention. You have to deal with him, and HE HAS to deal with his parents and fix the situation. See if there is a compromise here, you said not Easter weekend, is another weekend ok? Is it that you don't want it there? What is the issue, then go from there.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You don't have a problem with your in laws, you have a problem with your husband. He needs to grow a backbone and start choosing you over them. Why anyone would agree to someone other than the parents of the child planning a baptism is beyond my understanding. Best of luck to you.

Do they have money, Anne? Is your husband afraid he will lose an inheritance if he doesn't stand up to them? Considering he didn't start this stuff until your children started coming along, and they are elderly, this was the first thing that came to my mind.

You're going to have to make the decision whether or not you are going to get in the car (or plane) and go to this thing or whether you're going to tell your husband that he will have to take the baby by himself. If you don't go, you certainly will be defining your relationship with them til the day they die.

Perhaps you should be getting your husband to a marriage counselor and talk this out.

What your family members are doing is wrong. What your husband is doing is wrong. You just have to figure out what you're going to do about it.

You can do what Patty says.

And then you and your husband need to have a VERY serious talk (alone, no kids around, no interruptions, no "I need to be at X in 20 minutes!) about why he does not put you and the children ahead of his parents. That is what he is doing here, and what he apparently does all the time since you say he "would rather have (you) upset than them."

Start "going around him" now to deal with her and (1) you are going to be doing that forever and (2) you are letting him avoid his main responsibility in life: His wife and kids.

He needs to grow up, man up, and be the one who deals with his parents. HE must tell them you have other plans for this baptism, period. If he cannot do this, demand that he do couples counseling with you pronto. Yes, you have young kids, but if you and he do not carve out time for counseling right now, you will find all your kids' events taken over by grandma as the years go on. Nip it in the bud now. That means your husband has to grow a spine and put you and your family ahead of his parents. That is what being married means. He is a husband and father first now, and a son second. He probably fears her "Marie"-like tendencies that keep him a little boy trying to please mommy.
Time for him to get out of the TV sitcom and into real life where You. Come. First.

I guess if it were me I would set boundaries with them. Let them know (kindly) you already have the baptism planned. Sorry. Tell them when and where it will be and they are welcome to come. Tell them they need to discuss something like this with you first before they plan anything...that what they did is not acceptable or showing respect to you. Then sit back and ignore them while they freak out. They will learn. Talk to your husband and tell him that he needs to stand with you on things and not give in to his parents. They had their chance to be parents and their kids are raised. Now it is up to you and he to make these kinds of decisions together.

Oh boy, you've got your hands full! My own MIL asked a woman I was very fond of (whom she had never met before!!) to stand in for our god parents who couldn't be there, when we ran into said woman in a toy store and asked her about getting our babies baptized in her church! I was livid! Anyway, at least my husband stood behind me and we ended up getting the twins baptized when she wasn't here. (She's from Ireland). With our first child, she answered every time the priest asked me a the required questions during the baptism. I am not Catholic and she is, but still, they are my children! Regarding your baptism, I would just politely send an email letting them know that you appreciate their concern and planning regarding the baptism, but that you've got a church in your own city picked out and that you'll be doing it around your family's schedule and that it would be lovely if they can make it and you'll send them the dates. Stand your ground or they'll always railroad you! Your husband should be siding with you, but if he won't, stand your ground anyway. I have a few other friends with this problem and recently one stood up to her in-laws because her husband wouldn't and you know, they did back down. Anyway, I feel for you, but do the baptism your way. If they keep getting their own way, they'll keep taking over your life!

I agree that you have an in-law AND husband problem. They are over bearing and your husband needs to grow a pair.
Usually the men, especially with their mommies, refuse to stand up to them. They fail to realize that you and your children are his family now and top priority.
I deal w/ this w/ my husband. But not to this degree
. But something like this would not surprise me coming from his mom, who over steps her boundaries all the time, but he s ys "she doesn't realize it" HA!
Unfortunately YOU will have to nip in this bud. How completely rude and tacky for them to not only schedule YOUR childs baptism, but somewhere you'd have to fly or drive 2 days to???WTH!!
But, definitely, nip it in the bud!

Counseling for you and your husband, if he is truly choosing his parents over you.

My aunt & I both have awful inlaws. She says oh well, you have to live with it. I say bull. I told my husband they evidently don't like our kids very much if they can't manage decent behavior for the woman who gave their grandkids life. He can visit with his parents, but if they don't want me around they evidently don't want my kids around. He started standing up for me & while they're not lovey dovey toward me, they are tolerable & everyone involved is fairly happy.
We also insist both sets of grandparents treat us & our kids in a respectful manner. Some neices & nephews were being yelled at & called stupid and I said I wouldn't put up with that.

Patty K's response is perfect. Do that!