In-law Trouble

Being that I am a Mom, Step-Mom (25) years, and Grandmother I have a large amount of wisdom to draw from. I think that your correcting language spoken around your daughter was a bit premature. If you daughter was old enough to repeat words then I would be concerned. But since she is only a few days old it would seam that you put her in a conversation that did not require her to be in. So what YOU did was seperate your in-laws from your child and their grandchild. When a baby is born there is emotions brought to the surface that were not there before. Everyone is not quite sure of their part in the new relationship. My guess is that they have felt seperate from their Son because of his relationship with you or have not quite bonded with you as of yet and were just waiting for you to give them a signal on what would happen with your actions on the baby. The signal you gave them was you are perfect, you are the protector, and they are not worthy of your child. I think forgiveness on both sides is due. My advise - go slow to see what part they want to play and share that baby as much as you and your husband feel comfortable doing. I share my grandchildren with two other women that are the maternal grandmothers and we are fine "letting" each other have our special place in "our" grandchildren's lives. That way it is a win-win. Never use the children as a tool to say something you should or should not be saying generally. I know that this baby is new for you and explaining that to both sides of grandparents, that you have never been a mom before and don't know the rules might be helpful for you. Sit down with your husband first and come up with a team play and then sit down with the grandparents of both sides and ask them how much they want to be involved and what that might look like. If you don't set up the boundries (not walls to divide but walls to play within) then the grandparents are bound to bump up against those imaginary walls constantly. That can only set you up for more insane days ahead.

congratulations on the new baby! how exciting right before the holidays!
Ok, let me get this straigt....YOU had a new baby
YOU are a new mom
YOU both are new parents
YOU are breastfeeding
YOU both are not sleeping
YOU both are adjusting to baby
YOU both allowed them to see
the new baby right away
But no really this should be about them taking something way too personal! Yes, not that they have had children and can relate to all those aforementioned things. Not that they could possibly relate to all the pressure of a new baby and adjusting to parenthood and how it changes the marriage. No, no all the attention should be about them and their hurt feelings. Perhaps you have an extra pacifier? Would they like to be held and maybe rocked? Please stop paying attention to the new baby and parents!
Sorry about all the sarcasm, but it is true. This is a wonderful experience for you and your husband and such an adjustment! You need love, support and guidance not drama!
You can meet them halfway without taking the blame by saying, "Gosh we didn't realize what we said sounded ______ and if feelings were hurt we want you to know that was not our intention. We miss you and love you and would like you to be a part of this. YOU let us know when you can (come over, etc)". Recognize their hurt feelings, but put the ball in their court. Take the rest of your energy to recover, nurse and spend time with your husband. YOU did nothing wrong.
Take care and enjoy that baby!!!

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this at such an exciting and wonderful time! Congrats on the birth of you first child!! I do hope this gets better for you both soon, but it sounds as if this is their problem and they are being very selfish not understanding what a wonderful time this is for you and stealing joy by causing problems with you when you have a lot going on with learning how to be a parent/family and getting to know your amazing new baby.
I had to deal with my mother-in-law making comments about me breastfeeding (because she didn't breastfeed and didn't understand why I would) and she would make comments about how my choice was not letting her have a chance to feed the baby because only I could (at first you don't introduce a bottle and later my daughter didn't want anything to do with one so no, she couldn't feel them until they were a little older...deal lady!)I was sure then to make a big deal that she feed the kids solids. I was kind about it and told her how happy she should be that I am giving my baby the best thing I know who to give them and that I am building a bond that will last us a lifetime and she would have other things to bond over and share with her grandchild. In fact I let her feed my daughter her first solid food...peace offering. And with both children I offered her the chance to feed them solids at every meal during her visits.
About the father-in-law comments...GOOD FOR YOU!! Start the way you mean to go because if you waited until when the child would understand what is going on it would be much worse and now a least hopefully this will all blow over, or your child will be separed something like this later when they feel hurt or can't understand.
My father-in-law is always talking about things that I don't want my children to hear and I let it go too long so now I have to make comments and my children hear me or after he says something I have to talk to my kids about how we don't say things like that or that is not nice...which is sad because they love their grandpa but I think they get the sense that I don't care for him too much. I have to change the subject to speak up about it and just told myself as long as I was there I could handle it and protect my children. Then my husband and I went on a trip and I found out my father-in-law was coming up to help with the kids. I FREAKED and was so worried because I didn't feel like he respected my wishes and would do/say things I didn't want the kids to see/hear...I had to say something to my mother-in-law and it hurt her, but you have to do what is best for you kids!!
Finally, you and your husband may have to set some limits about talking about this subject. My sister-in-law was causing a strain between my husband and I at one point. Things are much better now, but at the time we just made a choice to not let her steal our joy and we would not talk about it. If we had to talk and get things out, we would set a limit on it. Like in the car we would talk until we got someplace or to a mile marker and then that was it...no more.
Again, I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but you have to stay strong, firm and do your highest sense of right for you child and your marriage and hope that your in-laws understand that they need to do that for their son and daughter in-law. Respect you as you are doing what you feel is right for the life you have been given to care for, teach, love and protect.
This is a hard thing. Good luck to you and your husband!!

P.,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this at a time when your family should be filled with love for the gift of life.Please look at your priorities,what and who comes first in your lives. Are you involved in church? If so,your first priority should be God,then your husband then your daughter,understanding your daughter needs alot of attention as an infant.You and your husband are a family and need to realize you are adults,not children and examine the recent past to see if there is anything for which you may need to apologize...if not start focusing on your family, which is your husband,you and your baby.It may be hard to do but why focus on the negative? Why let people who are behaving badly rob you of the first part of your daughter's life? Life is precious and is a gift. Yes,I understand you love your in-laws and want them to be part of your baby's life,put that in writing,tell them exactly what you would hope the relationship could be,that you love them,and are in no way closing the door to a relatinship with them,but it is necessary to put make your little family your focus...speak the truth in a loving way. Most of all pray for them,as prayer has the power to change hearts and lives, If you are not involved in a church,I invite you to visit my church,Christ Community Church. It's on Randall and Bolcum in St.Charles... services are Saturday night at 6pm,Sunday at 9am and 11am.We would love to have you and make you part of our "famliy". I pray God's blessings on you and that you will find Him to be the perfect Father and lean on Him to guide you in this season of your life.
P.

First of all, your inlaws sound munipulative and have serious control issues.They sound selfish and immature. My question to them would be, has someone set this kind of example when their children were born? If not they truly need to understand that this is about your child and she comes first!!! If they refuse to answer the phone, refuse to call. Send e-mailed responses of how they are making you and your husband feel. Hit the print button and highlight exact words and respond. Eventually they'll calm down or destroy the relationship completely. Let them know you are in control of your daughters relationship with them. Not the other way around. Stand your ground and let them know they are adults making their own choice. No one makes you feel anything it's an individual's choice.Choose how to respond and do not react!
Make your response about you and your husbands feelings.Keeping in mind you should never be reactive.And they will only steal your joy if you let them.

Do not call the inlaws and enjoy your baby. It has been 3 days since the baby was born and it probably seems like forever, so think about this. Not talking to negative people for a few weeks may seem like a long time in your life, but in your daughters life, it is a few minutes. Let them go and enjoy that baby. You sound like such a caring and smart parent that you don't need much help. Just stick to your guns.

Nothing like people taking away the most wonderful moments of your lives. Tell your husband he is a wonderful son and you are a wonderful daughter in law/wife and you just had the most wonderful baby. Then since brand new babies don't have a schedule in their heads and you are probably sooooo tired on top of all their inppropriate behavior try to get as much sleep as you can, when you can (hopefully you have a sleeper, not the loudmouths I had) and if you can toss this particular issue into a file cabinet. You need your strength and that is draining you of it. You could write a note and mail it if you wish saying that you care one more time, and then you can mail it or throw it away somewhere. There might be a couple of days or weeks where there is no correspondence. Right now you are a little family together and they are important as far as the family line goes but you need rest and peace. I am saddened knowing that they apparently forgot that part. They might be feeling left out, but they certainly haven't figured out they are going to remain left out if they don't change this. You and your poor hubby will get through this. It's just so new and difficult. I didn't see anything about your parents. How are they being? Good luck. S.

You need to do what is best for your immediate family right now. Spend time with each other and the baby. You have reached out to them to no avail. They are wrong for treating you this way, and they should respect your wishes when it comes to your child. Try ignoring their behavior, and maybe they will come around. I would even delete their emails without reading them. You do not need the extra aggravation. If ignoring their negative behavior doesn't work after a couple of weeks, you can try calling them again. I would have your husband deal with them though since they are his parents. Good luck.

Congratulations to the new Mommy!! I'm sorry, but right now you should not have to be worrying about anyone else other than your precious little one. Now is the time in which th three of you have the opportunity to bond. It totally fine for you to be selfish and relish every moment with you little one. This time goes by so fast, don't waste your time worrying about what others think. You in-laws had their children, and now it your turn. Give yourself time, my goodness you just gave birth.

Your baby is a few days old and your focus should be on the baby and your relationship with your spouse.

The healthiest thing to do right now is to ignore their nastiness and keep a positive attitude for your daughter. The stress will not be conducive to breastfeeding or bonding, and right now HER needs are of utmost importance, not your meddling in-laws. They're acting more immature than your days-old baby.

Let them stew while you guys get into a routine. When you are feeling more comfortable as a brand new parent and ready to deal with their nonsense, then take it on. For now, there is nothing wrong with being 'selfish' and taking care of the immediate needs.

I hate to say this, but maybe your husband needs to break away from his parents -- from your description of events, it seems like his parents have never let go of their power or control over him. When you marry, you leave your parents and cleave to your spouse, (you've heard of that 2 becomes 1 thing, right? Well, it's not 2 becomes 4!) I would have your husband write the parents a nice little note, firm but loving, defining you and your husband's feelings, yet also establishing your boundaries. (of course, your husband needs to muster up the wherewithal to stick with them) Hopefully, if the parents have any maturity about them, they will understand. However, if they don't, just know there are some people in the world that just need to be stirred with a long-handled spoon, you know what I mean?

I had similar trouble with my father-in-law with my first child. My advice to you and your hubby: first,reject emails from your inlaws screen names by not accepting from them ( in the settings or whatever). 2ndly,if you have caller ID on your phone refuse to pick up if they are calling or let your calls go into the answering machine before picking up the phone. Even tho it's wearing heavy on your hubby,try to go on with your life as if NOTHING is happening. Trust me......being a grandparent is a special honor and sooner or later they will realize they are the ones who are missing out. It is a shame at their age (!!!!) they are as childish as they are!!! They will eventually come around. PROMISE........but giving them a fight is just what they want and I wouldn't give them another minute of what they are wanting. Either that...or if they attend a church,maybe the preacher/priest can talk with them and help them to see the light. GOOD luck and hang in there.............it will get better,especially when they realize they are missing out. Grandchildren are truly a gift from GOD and the inlaws will soon see it. J.

I would say be a listening ear to your hubby right now. Do either of you know what could have made his parents so angry? Looks like they are expecting an apology for something.

Also, enjoy your baby. These precious moments don't last forever. I know you want to have a good relationship with the inlaws but right now, the bonding between you guys and the baby is what's really important. Try hard to refocus and/or steer hubby's conversation in the direction of the baby and the joy that comes along with it.

Sorry you're having this experience when everyone should be joyful.

M.

Hi there, I would let the week pass and go about your day then when things cool off, you all can talk and figure out what is bothering them. They need to give you space. You have to take care of your little girl and your family first! That is not nice of her to be sending not nice e-mails to you at your most precious time in your life. She seems jelious. Sorry about my spelling! I hope every thing works out for all of you!! Take care of yourself. You come first right now!

Wow, they sound really angry!

Totally different situation, but my mom was mean to me after I had my first child. I think now that she couldn't deal with being upstaged - couldn't stand not being the center of attention and couldn't stand ME getting pampered for a change, or making the rules for my own baby. (really crazy stuff like, could you keep the noise down while he's napping after not sleeping all night? :-)

Not that I don't love my mom, but we all have our character flaws, right? She is great, but for whatever reason my having a child did not bring out her best side. (she's a great grandma now.)

It sounds to me, not knowing anything about what you fought about, that your in-laws have a huuuge selfish streak. You can't change them and whatever they're mad about, you will never convince them they're wrong. The refusing to see their grandchild, though, is really taking it to the extreme!

Whatever - right now you need to focus on the baby and on healing your own body. Your husband needs to stop stressing you out by talking about it and deal with his own parents, get his own prescription for anti-anxiety meds, whatever. But I'd give him an ultimatum that he has to not talk about it to you for at least a week. You're a week postpartum! You need to be making milk and snuggling with your baby, not dealing with crazy relatives. It will all work out eventually, no reason for you to be in the middle of it.

Best wishes to you, and congratulations on your new baby!

My in laws have done the same type of things to me with my daughter when she was born. Only she would tell me how terrible I was and act like everything was great and wonderful when her son was in the room. She is a person who HASS to have all the attention and get her way all the time. Perhaps your MIL is the same way. If they wont answer the phone then email them. If they answer the email great and if not then you need to let it go. I'm sure your husband is upset that his parents are mad, but you have a right to say if a certain connotation makes you uncomfortable being used around your daughter or toward her. Explain that you ment no harm or anger when you stated that it made you uncomfortable, its just that you dont feel that it was appropriate. I've had to do this with my own parents many times. Most of the time they didnt see what the big deal was, but in the end they have to realize that this is YOUR child, not theirs. Tell your husband how you are feeling about this situation and that it is making you really depressed and upset. Let him know that you really know how much he wants his parents to be happy and involved in your daughters life,and if it bothers him that bad then go over to their house and talk to them about it. Just wait at the door if he has to, but something has got to give because you cant take much more of this. Its is a special time with your new family and if his parents dont want to be involved with it and you have tried everything then he needs to let it go. Even if that means not being able to be around his parents. If he needs counseling to deal with that later than that is what needs to be done, because the stress of all if it is really going to mess you guys up later.

Geez, that's awful! You don't need that right now! This is supposed to be a happy time and also a tremendous adjustment, this is the last thing you guys need. What selfish people. I would delete their emails and try not to think about it, you want to start off with your new baby on a good note! It's their problem, not yours, shame on them for doing this to you.

P.,

First let me say I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Secondly, this is the time to start showing your daughter how a resonable person should behave. DO NOT continue to let them ruin this time. Once it's gone, it's gone, you will never have it back. It will be on to another and wonderful stage in her and yours and your husbands life. DO NOT keep at them and let them keep at you until it is blown so out of proportion that it is un-repairable. DO NOT involve others if there is other family involved. DO NOT respond to nastiness with more nastiness. DO NOT let it consume your lives!! That is the most important.
DO be there for your husband and listen, honestly listen to what he has to say.
DO encourage him to talk to a buddy about it if he is comfortable with it. (if he has one that is also an adult)
DO talk to one of your friends about it.
DO spend these days with your daughter and your husband with positive words to each other.
DO lavish eachother with affection, even when you don't feel like it. You will be surprised at the difference it makes in the way you feel.
I've been through this unfortunately as well. It's horrible, and consuming but it will pass, one way or another. Realise it may not be the perfect resolution, but one way or another, it will resolve. Sit back, enjoy your baby and your husband and give it some time. Everyone is very emotional at this point and rational decisions never come from anger and resentment.
I know none of our words or experiences can really make you feel any better and more than likely won't, but know that we are all here for you, we all support you and know you are not alone. You may have never laid eyes on any one of us, but we are all here for eachother.

Take a step back. Focus on the baby - you have to be living in a household that is not getting a lot of sleep. Really. The In-laws will come around. Your daughter at this age would not have understood the phrase that he used. You should be the ones offended by it - probably wasn't the first time he said something that had a concerning connotation - it's behavior that has been accepted in the past and it's suddenly unacceptable. Doesn't mean you need to accept them...just means to pick the appropriate time and place. You probably should have just been happy at this point that your in-laws were just as excited to see their grandchild. Down the road there will be plenty of time to set the rules. If they were an integral part of your life when you were pregnant, they may be trying to find their place and you pushed them out. If they were challenging before, expect that to continue. Aside from that, time may heal and if you haven't apologized, then, eat a little crow and swallow your pride and apologize. Your baby falling asleep in grandma's arms for a couple of hours while you catch some sleep or catch up on housework may be your reward and something to look forward to. Make your call, invite them to dinner and if they don't accept, don't waste another minute on this. They will come around. Enjoy the new bundle of joy. Best of luck.