In-law Said First Grader Might Be Held Back for Behavior

I have a first grade nephew they want to hold back. He is not dense, rather, does not want to do the work. I question also if they can hold a child back when they have learned the necessary skills. But it also makes sense that a child with no self- direction would not do great in 2nd grade as this grade really picks up the speed. So perhaps by the time it got back to you it was conveyed as a "bad attitude", when more likely it is a disinterest in learning and lack of motivation. The teacher may think that the higher expectation to work independently by 2nd grade would put him in very frustrating situations.
After all, if this was about not liking the child, why would the teacher want the child another year in her class?

I know it does happen, but usually because the teacher feels the student is not emotionally ready/ mature enough to progress. Usually, it is only done in extreme cases, and with the consultation of at least the school's counsellor, and after several meetings with parents.

Sounds to me more like your in-law is in the habit of making excuses instead of holding her child (or herself) accountable for their actions.

People can claim anything they want. I have a Facebook friend who said she made 10,000 wedding cakes during the time she owned a bakery.
It was a business that folded after three or four years, and she had only two other employees.
I'm no math whiz, but even I know her claim is ridiculous and impossible.
People make all kinds of excuses for their kids' poor behavior and/or school struggles, and being a "genius" is right up there at the top of the list. Not much you can do about it, just take whatever she says with a large grain of salt. And as far as not getting a foundation of education at home? That's a new concept. I never went to preschool and my mother never worked with me at ALL. Most parents didn't start doing this kind of thing until recently, and we all managed to finish high school and college and get jobs just fine, even those of us who came from crappy homes.

I want to say that it's really commendable and thoughtful of you to want to help this little girl.

Forget whatever her mom tells you about school, moving to second grade, or anything, really. The stuff about advancing next year will be worked out with the school and you can't help with it. It sounds like mom might see everything through her own personal kaleidoscope, which turns everything into the teacher's fault since mom believes her daughter is perfect. In years to come things that go wrong or that the daughter does herself will be the coach's fault, the friend's fault, another parent's fault; the mom will not hold her own child accountable.This does a huge and damaging disservice to the little girl, unfortunately.

But the geographic distance between you and this family means tutoring isn't realistic, which I think you know already.

What's your relationship with the family like? For instance, do you phone them or does mom phone you, to chat, or do you only talk with her at events where one of you has traveled and you're face to face? Do you e-mail with her or are you all on Facebook--? You seem unsure about their home life (in your edit) so I'm not sure how the mom would respond to this...But I would just casually ask the mom, "I saw a series of kids' books at the bookstore that made me think of Sally -- I'd like to send them to her, just something fun for her to read over the summer as she likes. Would that be OK?" Try to make that happen and don't let the mom get an inkling that this is an attempt to help the girl (because mom will get be offended, and daughter won't ever see those books). If you are not sure of reading level, consider sending books on CD if you know the girl has access to a player.

Establishing a relationship where you can occasionally send this girl something and maybe eventually contact her to ask about what she reads is one way to help her. If her mom's OK with it you could give the girl a subscription to a good kids' magazine for her birthday or the holidays (depends on her interest and her reading level -- there are nature magazines like Ranger Rick, crafty magazines for kids, poetry and short story magazines even for younger children....).

I think if you offer to "tutor" this girl, then the mom, based on what you post here, is going to get huffy. She will figure, "My child doesn't need a tutor! She's a genius! You're saying she's not!" and mom will distance herself from you. And for a young child, face to face is really the only way to tutor. It's too bad you don't live closer, but don't beat yourself up over not being able to offer more direct help. It sounds like you'd have to navigate around a touchy mom anyway. Just try to establish contact with the mom that would lead to your sending things like a magazine subscription or books to her child without it appearing out of the blue or seeming intrusive.

Do you ever visit the area where they live? If you do, and you have established an OK relationship with the mom, you might be able to offer to take the girl out for the morning or a day when you're there. Pitch it as giving mom (and dad? where is dad?) a break. Take her someplace she might not go with her parents, if they are not likely to take her to a museum or zoo for instance.

S.,

I'd advise you to take a big step back on this. My guess is that your SIL has her own perspective/vision for her daughter and that this is one of those things you will have to sit on your hands about. Mainly, what I am hearing from your post is that the girl is possibly getting flunked ; that said, I have heard of children being held back if they are very socially immature or are not displaying an understanding of a minimum of concepts.

Regardless of someone's past educational experiences-- even the most educated person can find ways to delude themselves that their child is being given unfair treatment-- what this situations says to me is *be wary*. I have had to watch, too, while some of my nieces and nephews struggled through their education, with mixed results. In the big picture, we have to let the parents do what they are going to do. If you can afford to pay for tutoring, I'd offer and make the checks out directly to the tutor/agency. But don't expect the offer to be well-received. She already is living in denial (from the sounds of it). People can't do any better for themselves or for their kids than they are willing to do. I've learned this the hard way. Good luck.

Okay so I dug up the other post. I normally don't say I think someone is or is not ADHD without meeting them but I really think that is what is going on here.

By the way the school doesn't test. She gets a referral for an evaluation by a psychiatrist from her pediatrician.

Okay, why, because your sister in law dropped out. You just don't know what it is like to be an undiagnosed kid with ADHD. It is hard to explain but the only reason I graduated high school was because I was pissed at my mom and my teachers saying I was a slacker.

I remember when I found out I had ADHD, my oldest was being diagnosed. I was so happy my son was not going to have my childhood, so ANGRY! that I did. Gah, getting angry now and I am the happiest person on earth!

Anyway, if she isn't evaluated she will drop out because after years of being told you are a failure, not understanding why you aren't like everyone else, you just give up. It is not a life sentence but to be successful you have to know what you are up against.

I know you have no reason to trust me but trust me on this one, they both have ADHD! The daughter needs to be tested! The beauty is mom will learn and by doing so learn how to be a better mom, a better human. First the child must be tested!

Oh and the teacher, unless she is academically failing, which I highly doubt, the teacher can't hold her back.

This all sounds very strange to me too. Where I am from we don't hold children back at all and a child who is seven turning eight would be completing grade two and moving to third grade. I can't imagine having an eight year old in a grade one class!

It is highly unlikely the child will be held back for a bad attitude because there is no room for the entire class to be held back. Okay sarcasm. Nearly all of them are mouthy.

Repeating a grade is based on academics. I have never heard of repeating a grade for a bad attitude.

If you think the child needs a little help and you can offer it, than do so. That's all. You can't push yourself on the family without them accepting the help. If you know them well enough, push a little harder, if you don't, then make mention and back off.

There has to be way more to this story than you are being told.

Kids don't normally get held back for academics anymore. There are resource departments available in public schools (at least in MI) to help compensate the need for extra support, generally in Reading and Mathematics.

Behavior is a different story. The recommendations for holding back a child does not usually equate to the kid being bad per se but perhaps more socially immature. At this age peer modeling is quite effective enhancing behavior expectations, both inside and outside the classroom. This is best learned in an environment where it starts with an even field where the kids possess the same level of maturity and learn appropriate behaviors. Chances are, when a social immature child is placed in a classroom of way more socially mature children, he/she tends to fall into being labeled the "bad kid." Even when he/she isn't really just socially younger. If she is easily distracted, he/she will fall further behind academically and then it becomes a slippery slope of failure and esteem issues.

Ultimately, the teachers can only recommend. The parents have to make that decision. Certain things need to be weighed in. Will holding her back result in self esteem issues? What are the benefits and expectations in holding her back? Does she have other issues that may have contributed to her current behavior? Undiagnosed and uncontrolled ADHD can sometimes be a hindrance to academic success.

For my own kid, I was teeter-tottering on to hold back or not. Along with my husband, I got her teachers and our pediatrician involved. For my kid, it is probably best to hold her back.

I completely understand your fears about your niece's future in school. My husband's sister and her husband have often been very critical of education. (Often made fun of my husband for going to college. Thought preschool was glorified babysitting and said they didn't have kids so someone else could raise them.). Circumstances have changed and their attitudes are slightly better, but I'm still concerned.

I try to be very positive about school. I ask the kids about school when I can. I mean, I really try to ask questions about all aspects of their lives, but I make sure to include school as one of them. When they show me things or talk about things,I try to make a mental note to remember that and show my enthusiasm just like I would for their sports.

One thing I had to really tread lightly about was making sure I conveyed an excitement about education, encouraging them to do well and think about college, without making it sound like I thought less of their parents. I once told one of my nieces that college can be a very big deal because it shows people more than just you took these classes. It shows that you can make a commitment to finishing a goal, no matter how difficult or frustrating it is. Then I talked about her dad's job and mentioned several good things it says about him. And the we talked about things she might like to do and what she thought she would need to do in order to get that job.

So, what can you do? Keep encouraging her, stay plugged in (as much as you can from a distance) and just be a supporter. Try not to criticize her mom (or dad?). Just be someone she can show her school work to and will listen as she tells you how to multiply.

You can be a source of support and encouragement to her.

If the issue is behavior and not academics, then tutoring is not the solution. Your relative needs to talk to the school and address whatever is going on, not hold her child back because she isn't behaving to a teacher's standard.

The flip side is if she's taught her child that she's above everyone else and is in charge, etc. then she might need to open her own eyes about her daughter and what's acceptable in a classroom and what is not.

But either way, all you can do is tell the kid to succeed and hope her parents give her the required tools to do it.

ETA: she may be acting out, but it's still apples and oranges re: behavior and academics. My DD hasn't had the most fantastic year, but she's not being held back for it. I also would encourage other relatives to encourage this child to stay in school. If the mother sees no value in education, neither will the child, unless she cares what someone else thinks. One of my relatives has 3 children. One graduated HS easily, one dropped out and one graduated by the skin of his teeth. I strongly feel that the one who dropped out influenced the one who barely made it.

yeah, i doubt you're privy to the real deal. it's certainly not impossible to find teachers who have it in for little children and try to torment them by having them repeat when it's not necessary- but you'd have to look long and hard. sounds much more likely that the mom is overlooking some very pertinent details.
certainly it would be great to offer tutoring but since the mom believes the girl is doing fine academically, is it likely they'd take you up on it? this may be one of those situations where you just have to be positive and encouraging from the sidelines. don't underestimate the impact of this- at 15 or 16 this girl may very well seek you out for the positive influence you're having now.
khairete
S.