Ok, so this is bad and probably from my pregnancy hormones but here it is. My husband and I have been married 8 years, and have 3 kids aged 5, 3 and 2 with one on the way in January. My in-laws anger my husband and I. For instance, around the holidays, his sister, brother-in-law and their kids come over sick almost all the time and it always passes to us. I do love my in-laws but they treat their other kids with so much more respect than to us. We have done nothing wrong and have not done anything to really tick them off. His mom always comments that the kids don't know her. I have always told them they can come over any time, but that we cannot head over to their house often due to my husband's work schedule. He works a lot of weekends and we cannot go over there during the week because our oldest has school. Plus, we are grown up and can take care of ourselves. My husband and I speak about the issues with them and my husband brings up that we are not over there a lot. As I tell him, we cannot be there when our oldest has school during the week and on the weekends when he gets home from work, it's hard because either his parents are out and about or they are fixing up a home they bought for one of their daughter's (note: they have 2 youngest daughters they bought homes for and one of them never pays her rent but can afford a smartphone, cable, etc.).
Anyways, I cannot control what they do. It puts me in a hard place when both my husband and his mom are going against me because we don't see them often. I cannot control the fact that my parents travel to see us. His family isn't far either. About a 35 minute drive, but his dad does work outside for a business that travels all the time. We always hear comments about how bad my husband was when he was a child from everyone in the family and I feel that in some part they take that against us. Another thing that bothers me is how selfish his parents are, especially his mother. They will take their money and use it for themselves (and they have a right to it is "their" money), but when it comes to spending anything on their grandkids, it's like we will give you $5 for a birthday/Christmas gift but we will go out and spend over thousands for ourselves. I cannot remember the last time my husband and I bought each other Christmas gifts. But whatever they do what they want. It is, again, "their" money.
And then to boot, I am due in January and I will be induced at the end of December, granted unless I go into labor beforehand. So I told my family and his family we won't make Christmas due to the fact we cannot be sick and because I will be delivering around that time and it's just a lot of stress since our baby will need heart surgery after delivery. So now my hubby is mad we won't be there and his mom acts all mad too. WE CANNOT CONTROL THIS! Ugh, Sorry long post. Would you do the same in my position if your baby needed heart surgery around Christmas time? I mean would you tell your in-laws and your family you cannot make Christmas? By the way, some of these responses seem off because I edited my post. The other post was too whinny and I apologize.
I see no reason why you need to go over there.
With 3 kids and another on the way it sounds like it's time to stay in your own home for the holidays and create your own traditions.
It is what it is! You have your family, let the other stuff go. Stay home for the holidays. Anyone wants to see you, they come to your house.
My 2 cents... let it go! Your inlaws are enabling their other kids and until they wake up, there is nothing you can do about it. Totally agree with the other poster, make an effort at special occassions to keep the peace and accept it as it is. You have enough on your plate, you don't need to worry about them and everyone else. Enjoy what you have and your family. You can't change the situation but you can change how you react to the situation. And I totally get it is probably magnified a thousand times due to the hormones! Prayers to you and your new little one that all goes well!
It's hard when parents do not treat their kids equally but sadly it happens all the time.
It's also hard to watch parents supporting grown children but you know what? That's their choice, and there's not much you can do about it. Being angry isn't going to change it, it's only going to make you feel more resentful.
Sounds like his parents haven't really gotten over whatever difficulties and drama he put them through when he was younger. Maybe they are worried you're having so many kids so close together on only one income. All you guys can do is continue to work hard and support your family without expecting any help from them.
My BFF went through something similar with her in laws, and she finally realized they were NEVER going to change so she stopped expecting anything from them. She's much happier now.
I think that you've got a relatively good thing. You and your husband are on the same page and happy, right? The in-laws don't pull you into any drama. They won't keep your kids for you, but they're your kids, and it's not their job. It's nice to have outside help, but your little family is your responsibility, and they don't owe you that. It's hurtful because it's not equal, but you should release that expectation or that idea of what it SHOULD be, because you really had no reason to expect it. You just like the idea and want it and see that they are capable of it.
The other stuff that's bothering you about them is really none of your business. Your only place in that is to support your husband's efforts to move beyond it, not to take it on and give it more life in your house. Be thankful that they are not your bio parents and siblings and you don't really have to deal with their dysfunction.
Talk with the kids' parents about not coming over if the kids are sick. I mean, ask them at the time of the invitation if they have a sick kid, and tell them flat out that you do not want them to show up to your house if their kids are sick. If you have to be with them somewhere else, keep your distance, and tell them why--"You always bring sick kids, and we end up tracking that mess back to our house." They already don't like you too much, so what damage could you do?
And, yes, some of this could very well be hormones. If you need to use that to your advantage when you feel like going off on somebody, do that. They'll know that your hormones made you say what you were trying to to keep to yourself.
Let me first say there is nothing you can/will be able to do about your kids paying their bills or not unless you are going to pay them for them. Just like your in-laws. Really - think about it. Your son is an adult, married, with children and doesn't pay his mortgage. Just what is it that you think you can do to force him to make the payment. Nothing. So you have a choice - watch your son and his family get kicked into the street or pay the mortgage for him. As parents of adult children, a lot of times there are things we don't want to do for them, and we shouldn't have to do for them, but we do because we don't want to see them and their families suffer the consequences. You won't understand that until you have adult children.
Some of the other things, like your MIL not stopping by after work are things that others complain about when the MIL does them. MIL's just can't win - either we're around too much or not enough.
You said that your hubby was a "horrible kid" there is much water under the bridge that perhaps you are not aware of. These people have been with your hubby since birth and their attitudes and feelings about him are a product of what they have gone through with him throughout his lifetime, not just the past 8 years. Again, this is not something you will understand until you have grown children yourself.
I say accept it and move on. You can't change it.
Let's try to put some perspective on this.
You are upset with them because they choose to spend their money on their grown children in a way they want to. It's their money. They can do what they want to with it.
You are also upset because family members bring their sick kids to family functions. Try boosting your kids immune systems with perhaps extra vitamin C or cod liver oil tablets. When we were small we stopped getting sick all together when my mom began to put us on a daily regimine of cod liver oil. It was wonderful for our health. Also you can't control what other people do, you can only control you.
You are also upset with the family because they won't watch your kids too when it is convenient for you. Again you can't control others or make them do what you want them to do.
I understand you may be hormonal but it really isn't working for you. Being upset about grown people making choices of how to spend their time and their money is pointless.
Instead find someone in your circle who can help you where you need the help and don't count on them for anything. Don't be guilted into feeling bad for making the best decision for you and your family at the time and do get mad if they make decisions that seem to punish you for not being more compliant.
They are who they are and the only person you can change is you. Get yourself to a better way of thinking about these things and they won't weigh you down so much.
I really hope this helps.
The sister who does not pay anything? She doesn't have to.
She knows if she doesn't want to pay mommy and daddy will take care of her. She can afford all those fun things because she doesn't have a house payment. Mommy and daddy support her. Now, it's not your business how the enable their kids...some parents feel it's their job to provide for their kids when they have the means to do so. Lots of my friends still buy their kids groceries and help them with their bills so hubby can go to college or mom can stay at home with the kids. It's their choices, not mine.
As for your family. If they don't know how hard things are for you guys how can you expect them to come to your assistance?
Brother lives right next door. They see those kids every day, they work every day babysitting those kids. That's their job. Just like if you had a home child care, you couldn't just drop everything to go to someone else's home.
Of course they are closer to the kids they care for, they are with them every day. It sounds like you guys hardly spend any time with them.
Kids in kindergarten don't have to do homework every day. It's not like you can't put off something so you can spend some time with family. It sounds like you guys like staying at home and want them to come to you. That's okay but you do have to accept that you just really don't want to go over there.
I love my in-laws, my MIL is gone now and I miss her every day. I like hubby's family a whole lot more than my mom. I never even think about my mom. I don't miss her at all.
Here's what I get from what you're saying . . . because you have some boundaries and don't suck off your in-laws they don't slurp all over you like some of the more needy siblings. Some people just get off on being needed, as crazy as that sounds.
And what does it mean that your "husband wasn't a great kid when he was little?" Maybe, as a strong person, he pushed back on some of their insistence on crossing boundaries (just guessing here). People who demand boundaries and respect often annoy those who like to plow past boundary lines.
I think I would focus on acceptance of the status quo. The only way it will change is if you suck up to them, do most things their way, and roll on your back and beg for their help. Is that really how you want to live your life?
Take pride in your husband, your kids, and your home. Everything else is icing on the cake. I'd stop letting them be such a dominant force in my life.
I am so hurt with the way women try to separate their husbands from their families of birth!
I am not a MIL, but I have been a DIL twice. My second MIL said to me that she realized that she saw more if her son since he married me. She thanked me. Wow!
My oldest is in first grade, and ever since kindergarten started the visits were much less. Plus, I got pregnant right when she started school and had a girl this past May. I have great in-laws, but they can be very pushy when it comes to seeing the grandkids. My husband has let them know how busy we are and they still can't understand the few visits. I would let them come over to our place, but then they never leave! So, every time we see them, they give us the usual guilt trip but every time I have to tell them how busy we are. Plus, we try to have our daughter call them weekly so they can get their time, in a way. We visit about every three weeks, sometimes more, but there's only so much you can do! I dealt with crazy hormones during both pregnancies so I know where you're coming from. It sucks! I don't think you are being overly hormonal though. Blessings!!!
