In-law Issues - Dayton,OH

hi K., i sympathize with you. it would be nice if you could trust your sister in law to watch your daughter for an hour or two to give you a break but you can't. no, your not being overly protective. i'm in the same boat. my brother has 3 kids all around my 4 year old daughters age and they love playing together but she's never been allowed to play at their house without me there for the exact same reasons. they're great people, it's not that they're not. i simply watch my children much closer than they watch theirs and i'm uncomfortable with them playing outside alone at their young ages. plus they've got a pit bull that i dont trust. anyway, as you can gather, i can relate! haha. you shouldn't have to deal with being the 'bad guy' everyday though by telling your daughter no when invited over to their house. tell your sister in law to stop asking! you don't have to be rude about it. just simply tell her very seriously that the answer is no everyday and its not going to change. she may be slightly offended but she'll get over it, and maybe it'll put things in perspective for her too.
good luck and God bless you and yours! you sound like a great mom to me!! =D

No, you're not being overprotective. You're being a responsible parent. Unfortunately, we can't always be our kids' friend and favorite person. Sometimes we have to be MOM, and that means sticking to the rules to keep them safe.

Your daughter is three, so she prolly won't understand if you try to explain to her all the hazards. But you could just tell her that it's not a safe place because they don't watch her as closely as you think they should, and you just want her to be safe and not get hurt.

Your SIL sounds downright neglectful. I can't imagine letting a 4-year-old go outside alone or be wandering OR not knowing where they are when I'm right there. I wouldn't let my kids go to her house either. You shouldn't feel embarrassed to flat out tell your SIL to stop asking about your daughter coming over because it's NOT happening and it just makes it more uncomfortable for your daughter.

...L

I don't think you are being overprotective at all. Being a mom is hard, trust your instincts and deal with your daughter's anger. She will get older and will be fine in that environment, but for now keep her safe. It is your job to keep her safe not be her best friend. Since your sister in law already knows you have concerns tell her not to ask your daughter to come over. Let her know that you will tell her when you are ready for her to spend time over there, when she is a few years older. Hopefully that will eliminate some of her anger. Good luck!

I have the same issue with my sister!! She has 4 kids all under the age of 5 and I have 3 under 5. I watch hers all the time at my house but when I need a babysitter or if my olest boy wants to go with his cousin, I always have her watch them over at my house or I let my nieces and nephews spend the night at my house. I won't let them go to her house because of alot of the same reasons you have. Her house is so not childproof and very unsafe!! Lots of stuff everywhere that they can hurt themselves with or eat. Also, she doesn't ever watch them. She acts as if they are big enough to watch themselves!! It drives me crazy and I have said something alot but it never changes. Even when I have her watch them for me at my house, I make sure to do a quick sweep through the house before I leave and I have to shut my computer down or she will play on it while I'm gone and not pay any attention o what the kids are doing. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your sister-in-law but I would let her know again how you feel in detail and if she can't change some of things at least while your child is in her care then ask her to not mention anything around your daughter about her going over there and upsetting her. I hope this helps. Good Luck!!

This is a tough situation because it is her house and you have no control of how she lives her life.
I suggest you discuss the main issues of safety (especially the hot-water tank) with your husband. Write everything down and offer alternatives to 'correct' the potential hazard. Then request your husband talk to his sister.
In-law situations should always be handled by the person directly related. You are technically an outsider and it maybe more productive if your husband showed his support by being your ambassador. Hopefully, he can find ways to make the situation easier.
Good Luck!

Funny--my husband just had a fight with his brother about this same issue. They always want to watch our girls, and we do not feel comfortable with it. They don't have kids, so they're just not used to them, and their house is not childproof. They undermind our parenting decisions when we're there, so I can't imagine what it would be like if we weren't there. We finally had to explain to them that we just don't feel comfortable with them watching the girls. This was easier for us because no one really watches our kids except my parents because we rarely have the opportunity to go out, and our little one had some health issues for most of her first year. We kind of made it seem like it wasn't anything personal--our kids just aren't used to having babysitters.

Since the subtle approach is not working with your SIL, I would just be honest with her and use the example of the time you picked up your daughter and the kids were nowhere to be found. Just tell her you do not feel comfortable with it and ask her to stop bringing the subject up especially in front of your daughter. Maybe offer, instead, to do something fun all together so that your daughter doesn't see you as the bad guy who doesn't let her play with her cousins. Good luck--it is a sticky situation.

Sounds to me like you are doing the right things, especially if you've even been honest with your SIL already. I would come right out and remind her about the conversation, and ask her not to invite your daughter over in front of her. If she wants to ask when she's not there to get upset about it, that's different.
I know it's hard to see our kids disappointed and angry, but someone told me this once and it really helped me: when they are older we want them to have the courage and strength to say "no" to bad things (like drugs, etc.) so we want them to develop that kind of character. The only way to do that is to start saying "no" NOW, to smaller issues.
KWIM? It's like developing a muscle--if it never gets used it will be weak. So, think of it as "character building." I REALLY understand that it is hard, but I keep that in mind when my daughter wants to do something I think isn't best for her. I just tell her why and say "I wish I could let you do whatever you want, but I can't, it's my job to keep you safe and healthy. So I have to say no to this" etc. She's still upset but she seems to take it better if I have that approach.
Of course, that doesn't mean we have to go out of our way to say no, or that we can't TRY to avoid the situations, that's why I suggested being direct with SIL. If she still keeps asking in front of your daughter, I'd make some other arrangements, like not babysitting your niece any more, or making sure your daughter is upstairs when SIL comes to pick her up, or something. She should respect your wishes, though!
Hope that helps!
Lynn

Obviously your sil isn't very responsible, or respectful of your wishes. She also knows how you feel about her lack of supervision, so I would point blank ask her why she didn't actually 'watch' your daughter. I don't think you are being a bad guy at all, you are being a good mom. As much as it may upset your daughter, she will get over it. I know its upsetting, but it's for her own good. As for your sil, you can either be very honest with her (which probably won't do any good) or just tell her thanks, but no thanks when she offers to sit. By the way, have her kids ever gotten hurt? It sounds like there is no supervision at all, almost to the point of being neglectful

Seems to me that you gave your sister-in-law a chance...if she or your daughter ask again, I'd simply tell them, NICELY, that you were not happy that first of all the sister-in-law had no idea where your 3 year old was and that your daughter can play with the cousin(s) at your house whenever they want to. Your daughter is YOUR responsibility and if you are not comfortable with how others watch your child, that is your right to say no!It is better to be safe than sorry when it comes to our children, especially these days with all of the child disappearances etc! Good luck!

I can see the problem. If I were in this situation I would try to make it a time when you can stay at your sil's house and see how she is with the kids. Everytime you have to get up to check on them, take scissors away or keep them out of harms way, I would bring the issue up to my sil and politely tell her that you two obviously have different parenting techniques and for the reasons you have stated, that is why you don't feel comfortable leaving your daughter with her. It will cause some tension, but your childs safety is first.
Good Luck!

I haven't quite had to deal with something like that yet, because my sons are only 18 mo. and 6 weeks, but I can relate. My mother-in-law and I are like oil and water. She used to always ask to take my oldest son and I would never let her. She watched him for the first time when he was about 16 months old and that was at our house and for only a couple of hours. She made a comment after he was born that she couldn't wait to babysit him and let him play on her floor NAKED! That was enough for me. He's never been over there without my husband or I. Anyway, I think that it's our responsibility as parents to protect our children no matter who we may "hurt" in the process. If you are watching your sister's daughter often, then your daughter is getting to play with her on a regular basis in a safe environment. I would stand your ground until your daughter is old enough to be unsupervised.

K.,
Have you tried sitting down with her and explaning why you alwys say no and if she can not do what you ask then tell her she cant ask to take her until she can abid by your request. Plain and simple...you raise your kids the way you want and she can raise hers however she wants. You are not being over-protective at all. Letting her go and getting hurt or falling out a window is not worth saying oh maybe it will be ok this once...once is all it takes. Tell your daughter why you say no...just say aunties house isnt safe for you. When she is older it will be different.