J.L.
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Hello Ladies,
I woke up this morning crying, I'm 42 years old mother of 4. 3 of which are grown. My problem is this:
I dated my daughters father for 13 years, he was a good provider and we did everything, we would call each other everyday see each other 4 to 5 times a week. (which was good for me because I was raising my children from a previous relationship) My life seemed good from that point.. However, t when I turned 40 I realized that I wanted more and thats when I found out that I was never in control of the relationship.............He was! I realized that his being a provider was nothing more than an illision. He was hiding the fact that he was a control freak with a smile! So I broke it off with him because he would not comitl, we were engaged before but we would argue and I would say to myself this is not healthly, I did love him but I felt that I can't give you control unless you have something more vested into this family such as marriage! But I think I only wanted marriage because everyone else was saying you been with him for so long you should be married, but deep down I think I knew it was not right. I feel like I'm losing it and my life is falling apart, he doesn't see his daughter which is 8 and doesn't call. he has became a check! But if I were to call and tell him I loved him he would want to pick up were we left off. My bills would be paid, we would travel, my car would be fixed. I don't know what to do.
I just want to say I appreciate everyones comment. I want to say this, if I were to call him right now and tell him we could be together he would pick up the phone and act as if nothing ever happened. I did not depend on him totally, I did work i'm just not working right now. The problem I'm having is that somewhere in the 13 year relationship I lost who I was. As far as our daughter is concerned (this is were the control comes in) its all or nothing with him. I have always been a fighter, I'm just feeling very depressed right now. I don't qualify for counseling because I receive unemployment I go to church but its far and my car is broke down. I just feel lost. I can't talk to my family or friends because I have always been the strong one and they really don't care. I love this forum and the women in it.
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HI T. you don't say what made you see that he was a control freak but you did say something very important. You said you never married him because deep down you knew something wasn't right. That's your answer. Yes it would be easier if you were being taken care of, bills paid and daughter visited, but at what price to you? I would suggest a meeting not about you and him about his lack of involvement with his daughter as this is the most important aspect of this relationship right now. So many women settle for the comforts of life to be with a man and they are miserable. Search within yourself. You are more than capable to take care of your self and DD. Maybe you won't be flying off to Cabo every season but you will have peace of mind and self respect. IMO
Hi T.,
I have a friend in a similar situation except she lives with the guy with daughter from prev marriage and they bought a house together. he promised he would marry her but he always said he needed time.
We talked alot about this. Some women I think are attracted to men who do not want to get married. At the time od dating it sounds fine and you probably didnt want to either. So you accepted their terms of the relationship. Now you want a change. But the guy does not. So you need to decide if you are better off without them or are you happier living on their terms.
It is an extremely difficult decision to make. Once you make the decision you can not complain of the results. Way it carefully so you know what the end of the road may look like. Of course there are always the variables.
If you leave him and never see him again he may eventually come around to marry you. But after 6 months I wouldnt wait around.
If you keep the relationship going he may one day want to get married,but do not expect it.
With all this in mind I wish you the best in making your decision. You need to be very strong and do not change your mind with either decision.
L.
I know what the controlling part feels like. My ex-boyfriend was like that except the fact he never paid for any of my bills except for a portion of my rent for him and his roommate. I love him dearly too but the best thing right now is for you to look ahead and not behind. You have a daughter you are still raising and she needs a strong mom. Don't let the little things get you down because that will cause more problems then you need. Don't get back with him just because he pays your bills and takes you out. That's the wrong reason to be in a relationship. In my opinion I would ask for child support. That way it helps pay for her things and the house stuff. Good luck and just take a deep breath and relax everything will be fine. :)
T.,
It sounds to me like you are not loosing it but grieving the loss of what you really want in a relationship.
It sounds to me like you want a committed loving relationship and more than a check and a warm bed at night and you definitely deserve better than this man is willing or able to give you. You have invested 13 years of your life and one daughter to this man and he doesn't have the same kind of commitment in mind and it makes you very sad. That is perfectly understandable.
Take some specific time to grieve your loss then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and live the kind of life you want for yourself and your daughter. Your daughter is watching you. She is learning about relationships with men from watching you. Some things are taught and some things are caught. What is your daughter learning right now about commitment and money and men?
You may need some counseling to help you through your grief process but ultimately you are going to need to get on with your life. If you want to have a private conversation with me about what you are going through I would make myselt available for you. I have been right where you are and have so much more encouragement for you than I can put into this forum.
I wouldn't elaborate to much in my comment. But, if you picked were things were left: paid bills, travels arranged, fixed cars, would you still be happy? Are these things the ones that will really make you happy? Happiness is not a matter of pleasing others but yourself, and in the process, making those who love you happy.
You are still very young. This is the perfect time for you to remake your life into one that isn't reliant on a man, who doesn't know how to behave and won't commit, to pay the bills. And wouldn't you be a good role model for your children: showing them how to role with the punches, how to change the direction of your life and create your own 2nd act when you ready for it.
Maybe, because it's practical, keep playing the game with this boyfriend of yours but start seriously thinking about the kind of life that you want to have without him. Think about possible careers and the schooling you will need to cultivate the career that you want. Start dreaming and start positioning yourself for a better and brighter future, one that offers you more personal satisfaction and security on your own terms. Whatever you do, don't be complaisant with your life right now and what you boyfriend has to offer. This is your wake up call to recreate your life and to possibly do great things for yourself and your children -- to be the hero in your own life. Don't settle for less.
Well Please don't take this the wrong way!!! I know it is tough for you right now. But do you think u r just lonely and u want his company? I don't think u want HIM and MARRIAGE but the benny's. I mean this in a nice way and nothing else. I think u need to honest w/urself everyday. U where when u broke it off w/him. As far as him not seeing ur child NOW that is his bad and he needs to STEP UP and see that baby. He is losing time out of his and her lives for WHAT?? Nothing!! U 2 need to work something out not for URSELVES but for HER!! There soooo many kids that need parents and they don't care who they are! And some don't have a choice. Just find a middle ground for the both of u and walk on it calmly for your child.
This suggestion was sent out of love and not anger!!
C. C.
Did you try counselling at all before you broke it off? Did you go out and get a job and try to foster some independance before you broke it off? I agree you shouldn't stay with someone just because it is "easier" but I do believe that having spent 13 years with someone you should at least try and fix what might be broke before tossing it aside. A good piece of advice my mother in law has given me is you are responsible for your own happiness ( That and the grass always seems greener...) Dr.Phil's big thing is you have to "Earn your way out" of a relationship...if you did nothing to address the problems you will take the same issues/problems with you into the next relationship...lots of luck, but just a word of advice, if he isn't fighting to "get you back" that might be a BIG sign right there...not seeing his daughter punishes her as well as hurting you, not a very nice thing for a "dad" to do, but I don't know much about the situation, or how long it has gone on, or how it ended, so maybe he is just hurt.
You sound confused, and I'm still not quite sure why you broke up. On one hand you said you were happy but then you called him a control freak. If you are confused about him why not suggest couples counseling?
OK -when you say he's a "control freak" -was he really controlling -telling you what to do and how to do it; demanding things be a certain way all the time, etc? OR -is it just that he didn't want to get married? If that's the case, then find out exactly why not. Is he also opposed to living together? I don't think everyone must get married, but you do BOTH have to be happy in the relationship. Will you be happy if you're with him -but just like it was before -or do you need to live together or be married? If the answer is one of the latter two -then you need to move on. If you can truly be happy the way things were before -then be happy! Many people have unconventional relationships that work -and it's nobody's else's business.
One other thing -how long has it been since you broke up? Sometimes we get caught up in wanting what was familiar and being scared of the "new." If this is a really recent thing -maybe you should give yourself a little time and distance. You may find someone new or slowly discover the way you TRULY feel. If it's only been recently that you split -I would give it a little time before calling him and jumping back in. As I said before -if that's what you really want, it's okay, but give yourself some breathing room before deciding. The last part of your post sounds a lot like you just want the money he can provide, and that's NO basis for a decent relationship.
****I DO have issues with the fact that he doesn't see his daughter. It sounds like this is his choice, and I take issue with men who don't see their kids because they're too lazy and selfish to have a relationship with them. Think about that!
