If Your Parents Helped You Buy Your House.....

As you stated already...it was a gift. You do not have to pay it back or feel obligated to stay. You have to do what is right for you and your immediate family.

My parents have no say whether I stay or go, but no matter what, I owe them the downpayment back.

Our down payment was from trust funds so our grandparents gave us money. Still I don't feel like even if it was my parents that would mean they had any say in what we did with the house.

It seems to me they are just pulling out the stops to get you to do what they want. Think about it this way, if you were keeping your job and wanted a new home would they have applied the guilt? If the answer is no then this had nothing to do with selling the house.

If there was no contract or agreement that you would be paying them back (if it wasn't a loan), you consider the downpayment to be a gift. You don't give gifts back, and gift givers ought not expect them back.

If they gave you that amount in a card for a wedding present, would you be obligated to pay it back?

Of course not. You're moving, not getting a divorce. They gave you that money as a wedding present to start your lives together, and that is what you've done with it. But the house isn't right for your family, and the situation is not right for your family. As husband and wife, you are doing what is right for your family.

You and your husband are married. You two make the decisions that best fit your family, regardless of what your parents expect (if they expect you and your husband to have 3 more kids than you planned for, are you going to do that too? Where does the guilt trip end?). You two choose, not them. If that means being a SAHM in a more affordable home, that's what you do. You sell the home you cannot afford, buy one you can, and you thank them very much for giving you and your husband such a lovely and thoughtful wedding gift.

Dear L.,

The real question is was it a gift or a loan? If it was a gift, than it is yours to do with as you see fit. If it was a loan, then you pay them back in full when you sell your house. If you are not going to be able to sell your house and get enough to pay back all of your lenders (your mortgage company and your parents) - then you should keep working and paying your mortgage. I would see that as the same as being underwater and unable to pay back a home equity or 2nd mortgage.

You should never a buy a house if you don't intend to be in it for a significant period of time.

Good luck - and working with two children isn't the end of the world.
C.

First, I think you should see if it's possible to live off of just your hubby's income. Pay your current daycare obligation out of your check ('cause you won't have that obligation if you quit work) and then bank the rest. If you can make it, then you know you can make it when you have another child. If you can't make ends meet, then you need to figure something out.

I think your parents probably assumed when they gifted you the money, that it was a home you were going to want to stay in. If you give it up, will you be going to a smaller house? Renting instead of owning? I don't blame your mom for not being thrilled.

If they gave you a loan equal to 1/3 of the cost of your home, I'm going to assume that it was a significant amount of money. Are you really in a position to pay them back that sum of money?

Personally, I don't think I would give up my job and my home to have another baby.

Gifts should not come with conditions.

However, I think it's reasonable to discuss this with your mother. Tell her everything you just told us, and ask her what she thinks. If she wants you to pay her back the money, then I guess you should. Maybe you could do it in installments.

Probably your mother won't want the money back, but then I think you should ask her what she thinks you should do with the money in this situation.

Hopefully the two of you have a good relationship, and you can have a reasonable conversation about this. She gave you the money because she wanted you to have some stability, and while I don't think gifts should come with conditions, in this case I think it's reasonable for her to not be entirely thrilled if you sell the house and just keep her money.

However, you can't let a house dictate your life.

Have a conversation with your mom.

This is the quandry you can find yourself in when money exchanges hands amongst family. If it was a GIFT, truly a gift, then you should have no guilt about whatever you decide to do. If your parents have never brought up that they gave this gift in any sort of manipulative way before, why do you assume that the gift is the reason they aren't thrilled with what you are talking about doing?

There are many reasons that your parents may not be thrilled with your plan. One in particular that jumps to the forefront of my mind is the change in the housing market in the past 5 years or so. You didn't say exactly how many years ago you purchased the home. Was it before the market crashed, and it has lost a large part of it's value if you sell now? Perhaps your parents, like you, wonder if you giving up work is a wise choice right now, with the job market so stagnant. Why aren't they supportive of you staying home? Is there something more to that opinion than just financial? Would you be unhappy if you quit work? There is quite a period of adjustment, let me tell you.

It may not be intentional, and it may not be impossible to overcome, but if you do sell your home against your parents best advice, then they will be disappointed. You can't avoid that. But it doesn't mean you should be hostage to it, either.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Gifts of money are never simple things.

My thoughts are that it was a gift to help you get started. It sounds like your parents are using it as an obligation so they feel they have more control in your personal life.

You have priorities with your family, your children and you are being responsible to consider moving to a more economical place in order to be a SAHM. I admire your thought on that... a lot of people would just go deeper in debt vs downsize.

We fully intend to help our daughter when she is ready to buy her first home. We do NOT intend to use this GIFT as something to hold over her head and make her feel obligated to us in anyway.

Another thing I pick up is that your family is not too keen on you being a SAHM. YOU know what is best for your children and what you want to do to raise them. Your parents should not guilt you into doing something you and your husband are on board with together. I admire you working outside the home, I know it has to be tough do do with children. I've been through issues with my family as far as SAHM as well. My daughter will soon be 18 and it is the best 18 yrs I have lived to be able to be with her, raise her and support her emotionally and financially in a stable home.

I have relatives who to this day ask me why I don't "work" and when will I get a "job". It is insulting. I have been a SAHM but also a WAHM because I have supported my hubby over 20 yrs while he was in outside sales as his customer service go to person. We now own our own company (same industry as he's been in 25 yrs, not MLM), run it from home, average sales over $4 Million a year and my family STILL asks me if I will get a job with my daughter goes to college.... GEESH...

Back to the money... If you could financially do it, I would give it all back to your parents and get the monkey off your back.

I do appreciate your note because when we make this step with our daughter, I want to make sure she never feels the guilt and obligation that it seems that your parents put on you. Thank you.

ETA: Just saw your SWH... our daughter is only child as well but that does not mean we own her for the rest of her life and if we put that kind of pressure on her (which we would not)........ SHAME ON US for being so selfish.

Best wishes!

As long as your post is accurate, your parents gave you a GIFT of a downpayment. You owe them absolutely nothing. I hope you don't think that sounds harsh, but it is absolutely the truth.

Now, if your parents LOANED you the money, that is a different situation. And in the future, NEVER borrow money from family. Or anyone for that matter.

But again, it seems they gave you a gift. When people give gifts, they don't reserve the right to dictate how someone uses that gift. That includes large gifts or sums of money. You have to live your life and do what is best for you and your family. It is absolutely ridiculous for you to contemplate staying in a house you may not be able to afford simply to save your mom some anger.

And whomever commented that you shouldn't buy a home you don't plan to stay in for a long period of time perhaps has never had major life changes occur (although I do agree with her that if you are upside down on the home, you stay and keep working). If you need to downsize after a few years to make your budget work, so be it. Things happen, life happens. You were in this home for 3 years, not 3 months. Of course you shouldn't go into a home-buying situation with the idea you will move soon and should always plan for a rainy day and live well within your means. But, things happen that require a move sometimes. You obviously didn't know you were going to be miserable at work, and the fact that you are contemplating moving to be able to afford your home in the event you do decide to stop working, despite your husband's ideas to stay, shows you are smart with your money. But a word of advice - make the move BEFORE you quit your job. Have a good nest egg set aside and a lower mortgage payment before you let go of your income.

I wouldn't suggest accepting big "gifts" from your parents anymore in the future. And no, I wouldn't pay them back (again, unless they told you they wanted to be paid back, which would make this a loan not a gift).

You should read the book "Boundaries"

If you could find something cheaper you could pay them back, at least offer, then you are FREE. That is worth it to me. If they would say use it for the downpayment on another place or whatever, then that's your choice. I would highly encourage you to do like you feel and stay home with your children. They are grown so fast and that was such a blessing for me to be home with our kids. Even if you didn't stay home, you would not be feeling like you owe your parents if you moved to something cheaper and sold where you are. I would be free and clear and home and happy.
EDIT:
I just wanted to add that I wish we parents of grown children would realize a gift is given and not something to take back or hold over somebody's head. You give it and it's gone.

You have to do what is right for you and your family. Do not let your parents control your life.

Tough call! You need to do what is best for your family. Explain what you and your husband plan to do and ask them point blank if they want the money back. Put the ball in their court.

My husband's parents gave us our 20% down on our first house. We had the money, but they wanted to give it to us. (He's an only child and they were hoping to help him buy a house one day). We sold the house 20 months later (military move) and tried to give the money back. They said no--it was a gift. We put the money into the next house we bought.

Did they give you the money for that specific house, or for a house in general and that was the one you chose? If it was for that specific house I would offer to pay them back, but otherwise it was a gift to make sure you had a suitable place to live, where ever that place is.

I would suggest that you try to live with out your income (spending only what is directly related to you job like day care and extra gas) for a while to see if it is plausible to do. You may be surprised how much of your income is going to support your job. If not, then you will have a hefty bit of savings to help with the transition to a new house.

If it was a gift then it was a gift. But as you are finding out, gifts always, always come with obligations or strings or just expectations. Even if the giver doesn't think so at the time.

When you sell that house you will still have the money they gave you. It's not like you blew it in Vagas.

It's your life. I, too had a great job. I had in laws with expectations about me working the rest of my life. I didn't inform them before I got married my H and I already decided that I would stay home with any kids we had. They fussed but we didn't budge. 25 yrs later I am glad we did it our way. I dont have to regret them making our decisions.

Your parents may fuss but I don't think they they would want their money back. Most parent want what's best for you even if they disagree on what that is. Don't pay the money back. Sell the house, buy a less expensive one and live your own life. They can't hold you hostage in a gilded cage. They didn't buy a share in how you raise your kids.

I'd be very upset if my parents gave me a gift like this and then expected me to pay them back because I wanted to move to a cheaper house so that I could stay home with my kids. I don't believe that you have an obligation to do that. You should not be expected to toe their line because they gave you a gift.

Live your OWN life. Not theirs.

Dawn

It's called a gift for a reason. This is for you and your husband to talk about. This does to talk about and does not involve your parents at all. Your a grown women, married with children. You and your husband decide what to with your house and life. Your parents do not have to agree on anything. And the it's the gift that keeps on giving, you will use the sale of this house to buy another. Good Luck!

We've received money towards downpayment as well.

From my FIL, it was termed an advance on an inheritance. He said that should we sell, the market being what it is, we would probably have to roll over any equity into our next purchase, therefore he would want to add the pressure of us having to repay him.

My parents termed their moneys towards downpayment as a loan. They gave generous terms, to be repaid in the event of sale, and then with a % of profit on the sale, if any. i.e. if we bought for $100K, and sold for $120K, we would have a 20% profit. If they loaned us $20K, they would expect $24 back.

Good luck with your decisions re: your home, your career choices, and communications with your parents.

F. B.

I understand that you want to stay at home. That is something a lot of mom's want to do. I always worked because I needed shelter and food. So I think that kids turn out fine when they are brought up going to a good facility for child care.

I think that you need to sit down with your parents and ask them what they want you to do.

BUT you do realize this is a terrible time to try and sell a house right? If you hold on to it for even 5 more years you will have a lot more paid down and you can probably count on the market going back up.

My sister is listing her house on January 2nd. It is "worth" less than they paid for it 5 years ago and they have put special insulation in the ceiling to keep the summer heat out of the house better, they put in a storm shelter, they put in new flooring in the kitchen and dining room, they have improved the quality of this home and are actually going to sell it for thousands less.

They paid over $150K for it and they are starting the list price at $125 and hope they can get even close to that. She is not hopeful they'll get anywhere close to that.

It was a gift?
Totally your call then.

Now, your mom dictating what you should do? Entirely separate issue.

Good luck!

You poor dear;) I hope you find an answer that is agreeable with your morals.
You could do a refi for a cheaper payment. Your parents have a right to their feelings. I would be less than thrilled as well. If you must move, then I would at least offer to repay them. I am sure they will decline your offer, but it's the appropriate thing in my opinion. Good luck.

L.,
Think long and hard before you make any decisions. Your parents gave you both the "gift of money " for your down payment, it was exactly that , a gift, with no guarantee your family would be spending the rest of their lives in this one house. Don't feel you have to meet their expectations, yes, we all want better for our kids,(no matter what age) But, that doesn't entitle a parent(s) to be able to control /manipulate our financial decisions as adults. Listen to advice , (that's all it is or should be) learn from someone else's past mistakes, etc, but , don't base these kind of decisions on what your parents expect, that money didn't pay for a share in the decision making of yourfamilies' financial life. On the flip side, Put your house on the market just to see if you get any offers, interested parties. It may take a long time to sell . If your hose does sell ,it 's not like you've lost any money ,whether it was yours or the money that your parents gave you to invest . There's nothing wrong with financial security/money, just know that that's not all there is to life,it shouldn't be the basis for all your decisions,.There can also be possibilities that you may not have considered:, working from home, possibly cutting your hours, there are always options,weigh them all before making a hasty decision. C. S.

My inlaws helped us buy our house because they had bought his sister several houses. They actually took great offense when they overheard someone talking to us about building a new and cheaper house that would better suit our needs. They yelled out "we won't pay for it" which we would not expect. It turned into a big drama for them.

I think the best thing to do is for you and your husband to decide then do it. I know it is hard. in our case, if money were the issue, his parents would throw a pile of money at us and tell us to stay. If that is something they would do, let them know right before you start househunting.

If you want to move, for whatever reason, do it unless they are going to disown you or something equally punitive later.

My inlaws gave us a gift to help with the downpayment on our house (20 years ago). I know that if we had decided to move, they would not want us to pay that money back. However, part of the reason they gave us that money is because they saw it as an investment and did not want us renting.

So I guess the question is, would you sell and move into a smaller more affordable house or choose to rent?

Likely they're two very separate issues to your parents. I can see helping my kids someday with a down payment and it would be to make their lives a bit easier - actually likely so they didn't have to use daycare... So their issue with you quitting may not have to do with the downpayment at all vs general financial security. Ask them if they think you're renegging on an implicit promise you made if you quit. You have to talk to them and see if they are separate issues or they're going to think you quit bc they gave you money so now you can and in that way they feel ripped off. ie: you acted like you wouldn't stop working so they gave you money. If they'd KNOWN you might quit, they wouldn't have. I find the latter hard to believe. Otherwise, if you roll the money they gave you into a new home, I don't see why they'd care. It's about giving you a home... If you wanted to cash out to take a major vacation, then they'd have a right to be po'd.

As hard as it may be for you, in my opinion, you just have to put your parents's feelings aside right now, and decide what is best for your family between you and your husband. Period. It was a gift, that's all. Now you may be right, your parents may have had certain assumptions or expectations or hopes for you when they gave you that gift. But that is their lot to deal with whatever you choose regardless. Unless they explicitly told you conditions that they give you the money under and you explicitly agreed to those conditions, then that would be different. You didn't put yourself in any position to meet their expectations simply by accepting a gift from them. It is kind and compassionate of you to consider their feelings. I guess it is normal in some ways to always want your parents approval. But if they disagree with your decisions, it's an opportunity for them to learn one of life's lessons, you don't give gifts with strings attached, let them learn to let go of any semblance of control they think they have over your life. Parents like that are never satisfied, always seeing you as their child who needs their guidance and protection. Remember whenever decision you make let them see the independent grown woman adult you are and the strong healthy happy marriage you have. That should be good enough for them!!

Just wanted to point out that sometimes it costs more to work. I could not afford to work. I have to stay home. Child care for all of mine would be insane. 2 or more kids and you really have to have a plan of what will work. Plus the day to day of laundry, meals, cleaning, etc. is HOURS a day. It's complex!

Now, I don't mean to say that staying home is what's best for the kids. It is what works for us due to various factors. They do a lot of preschool so that is expensive, too, but great for them. They don't want to be home all day with mom any more than I do! They are loooong days.

I think you have recognized the problem with taking money from them - don't beat yourself up over it (many of us have done that, myself included). In my case my parents truly meant it as a gift, and for that I'm grateful.

If I were you I would consider it a gift (unless there is some other agreement or arrangement), and sell the house if that's what's best for *your* family. There's no way you could have known how you would feel about staying home with your kids. And you may or may not be right about the wisdom of keeping the house. The point is that you're an adult and you have to do life the way you believe best.

It's fine if your parents have a concern about you leaving your job - but once they've voiced it and you've heard it then they need to let it go. It's inappropriate for them to make you feel badly about how you - an adult - want to live your life.

If they had conditions on giving you the money then they should have expressed them from the get-go (IMHO).

Time to set some boundaries, in a kind but firm way.

JMO.

Good luck.

My in-laws also contributed quite a bit to the down payment of our house. However, we purchased a house that we could afford even without their gift. I guess my question to you is if you did the same...are you really going to be able to find anything cheaper to live in? Sounds like you have good equity on that house and if it were me I think I would adjust your budget so you can stay in the house, but still be able to stay home. Or try hard to put in overtime and eliminate another bill, such as a car payment, and then you will have some extra money when you do stay home.
I also decided to stay home after my 2nd kid, and since I couldn't afford to not work, I opened an in-home daycare since we had room for it. Even with that, it does take a lot more budgeting...but I can say I don't regret leaving my job for a second...it's been amazing being able to watch my babies grow everyday (watching other peoples kids isn't quite as much fun tho, lol)!
As far as the gift money, if I were to sell our house, I don't feel any obligation to pay it back...it was meant to help us out and that's what it did. Best of luck to you!

Perhaps it would help if you looked at it this way (I'm assuming you are planning to buy a less expensive house) -
Your parent's gift is not being wasted. If you sell this house, you will be using the money (including the portion from your parents) to purchase another, more affordable house. Their gift is being used for the same purpose, just a different house.
It would be great if your parents could separate out their gift to you from their concerns about your financial security. If they can't separate it out - hopefully, you can! They should not be related. I see no legal or moral obligation to pay them back - their expectations are simply not reasonable.

You can also give them the option of buying the house off you as a rental investment. Was it a GIFT or was it more of a loan? Do you just feel like you have to stay or did you/they agree that you would stay there?

Facts are, things change. If it no longer works well for your family for you to 1. stay in the house and 2. work FT, then you need to do what works for YOU and your children. If your parents had passed on and given you an inheritance, how would you feel?

Your mom may not be thrilled, but you are an adult and it's your life and family. So start with what is best for your household and work out from there.

Day care for 2 kids costs about 10 an hour in my area. With commuting costs, lunch..etc... I figured if mom is making 25 an hour.. it is not worth it to work.

If staying home was best for my family I would do it.

Did you consider the tax savings of quiting your job... we payed 20+ thousand in federal taxes when we were both working.. when i quit.. our tax bill went down to $6 thousand.. big savings.