If One of Your Siblings or Your Adult Child Abandoned His or Her Children...

You can shower this child with the love she's missing. Her mom sounds like a mess and her mom's family might be of the same batch. Who knows why they dont reach out to SD. If SD isn't interested in connecting with them...let it be.

My recommendation would be to work at being the best stepmother you can possibly be to this girl. Who knows what drives all those other people, you will never know and there's nothing you can do about their choices. You can only be there for her.

I have two stepchildren, since they were 1 1/2 and 4 years old, and even though I know the common thought among counselors and such is that it's best when parents are involved, there have been many times that I wished their mother would have just left them alone. She has inflicted so much emotional damage on them over the years. I was left to pick up the pieces after every visit. She can still manage to do this even though they are now 27 & 30.

Yes - twice!

With my own kids, just kept mroe contact w/my side of the family. (ran into ex-bil a while back and he was asking about son - wanted his phone number, which I would not give but said I'd take his and let son know ... the decision had to be son's since they basically fell off the earth over 25 years ago!)

with grandchild - I have custody, need I say more?

Hi JB, your post effects me in a very personal way that I'd rather not divulge.

So, anyway, for some reason I'm in a forgiving kind of mood this morning.

So here's what I think.

We here at MMP probably have a better grasp on who you are based singularly on your posts and especially your responses then your SD's mom. I, for one, enjoy your responses and read every one I see with interest. Which is to say, I think you got it goin' on, girl, you know? I like you.

That being said, I wonder whether you, and I, and all of us here, and your SD herself, and your husband might look at the story from a different angle. Meaning perhaps her mother understands that this child will have a better life with YOU and yours, then with her and hers.

Anyway, since we cannot walk that mile in her shoes, we can never understand SD's mom's motivation for ditching her kids, nor can we understand OTHER family member's lack of interest, right?

And so maybe it's a REALLY GOOD THING, maybe you all can leave that part of her life behind you, maybe even feel GRATEFUL to be given this child that *YOU* are completely equipped to love and guide and nurture. And think of it as a GIFT to you and your husband and SD, rather then a tragedy.

Well, that's my take FWIW. I'm GLAD she's with you and yours, I have every confidence that her life IS better this way.

:)

My very tangled family is filled with dynamics like you describe, and I've been working for decades to outgrow the emotional fallout in my own life. I myself have written off various family member for years at a time in self-protection. Could I essentially write off a child? It's hard to imagine, but if the surrounding situation is distressing enough, I suppose it could happen to me. I can't really judge until I've been there.

If this mother feels inadequate, or severely judged, or emotionally empty, or mentally ill, or any number of other strong feelings, she may simply not have enough left to give to her daughter. She even may believe her children are better off without her. Sad. Tragic. But so human. And blame is so easy to dish out, but seldom improves anything. That's so human, too. Aren't we all so wondrously flawed in our own ways?

The best thing you can offer is love, support, and compassion to these children. You might be better off than with the entanglements this lost family would bring.

I have! IT'S flippin weird, right?

My granddaughter doesn't remember meeting her dad, well, not very much. We had gone to a community craft fair and as we turned a corner we literally bumped into him and his wife and their new baby. She's a teacher in the Tulsa School System so you'd think she's know how important it is to little kids to know their parents.....

The little sister is probably in pre-K or kindergarten this year so it's been that long.

Anyway, he is the only parent of either grandchild that we're raising that pays any child support, he has NEVER missed a payment when he was in charge of it. He had a boss who just didn't "get" that it was supposed to be paid, the man was holding it out but not sending it in. He lost his business over this eventually for committing fraud.

But this dad always makes sure that it's been paid with his current employer. He is responsible in every way but has no desire to ever meet or even talk to this girl on the phone. How the hell is he a father to the child that lives with him and he not want to know this precious wonderful child that lives in my home? He and his mother even send her money on her birthday above the child support. He's a great provider but a sorry father figure.

His mother works in a local business for her friend. If I need to get hold of him through his mother I let this business owner know so she can get hold of her. Talk about crazy.

I hate this situation. I would love to take her to Tulsa and meet him alone or with the family, I don't care and let them visit. She wants to know her sister so much that she cries herself to sleep sometimes. She hurts due to his actions and those of his mother. What gets me is when she internalizes it. She will ask me why she's not lovable, I tell her that he just lives a long way away and that he does love her, he sends her money every week and makes sure she has what she needs and some of what she wants. I can't tell her that he's an A**, she is part him so whatever he is has a part in her too.

I feel bad for kids who have parents like this. They hurt and hurt and that parent does not care.

Some birds lay their eggs in another birds nest and then leave.
It's just really disturbing when we see that kind of behavior in people.
A lot of the time, if the parent is that messed up with mental and addiction issues - not being there for their child is kind of a blessing.

Yes, it's disturbing.
It's also disgusting.
We have known of several moms like this. Usually abandonment of kids can be connected to addiction or mental illness.
From what I've seen, when it's not, it's likely the result of poor choices in men and a desire to "start fresh."
Sounds like this is her third fresh start and man choice (at least).
Sadly, innocent kids are the collateral damage.
I'm sorry for your SD.
I'm glad she has a father and a stepmom that love her to be there for her.
Forget the other poor excuses for humans.
Their choices, their guilt.

This is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever read on mamapedia..

How on earth, can a mom just abandon her child? How could the rest of the family members have ignored her? Are you sure that the mom has not told them to stay away, or somehow they have been misinformed that it is ok, for them to see this girl? It would be terrible if this has been a bad communication situation, brought on by the MOM..

What she is doing to her daughter is cruel.

Would you consider adopting this girl? Do you think she would want this?

Gosh, does SD realize this situation and what her mother and that family have done? Have you all asked the mother if she wants to begin to try to fix this?

IF it was me. I would once again contact the mother and ask her what her intentions are for her relationship with her daughter. I would also reach out to this girls extended family and make sure they realize, they are welcome to come and visit SD..

And then i would make sure SD was in some sort of support group or therapy, so she could have a person from the outside, she can be TOTALLY honest with..

She may be doing just fine, but in case she has been trying to protect herself and all of you, she may need 1 person she can say anything too. Maybe this would help you decide if it would be appropriate to adopt her and make her your own daughter.

Children can hold in a lot of feelings. They want to protect everyone, and themselves from their true feelings. A professional can help her to be honest with herself.

I am sending you peace.

I have it all around me. I still dont understand it myself. I myself do anything I can for children. I just can not fathom why people are so selfish. My siblings included. They were never raised that way. They are not addicts. My brother lived with a woman, in a house with 5 male roommates. She suddenly became pregnant. So, my brother accepted her cry that the baby was his, and he married her, and quit school, then joined the army to support them. Baby was born, when baby was 5 hours old. She tearfully told him it might not be his, since she slept with all 5 males in the house, which included my brothers best friend (and second cousin). He was understandably very very angry. He left the hospital no where to be found for a week. In that time, she was released, asked my to babysit 2 days after, so she could go grocery shopping. Dropped baby girl with me and my ex-husband. Then disappeared. Complete abandonment. My ex and I were trying for kids, and we were horrified and joyful all at the same time. We went on for months being baby k's only parents. Eventually my brother wandered back. He wanted to be a father, but now he was a single parent, to a baby that might not be his.
We begged him to get a paternity test, but he said no. He was not equipped emotionally or financially to raise a baby. We agreed to do so. So for almost 6 months she was ours. My brother visited often and helped when he could. Then he was deployed.
During deployment, guess who wanders back into town, wanting her child back? yeah she heard he was deployed and she gets money! Yep she was back for the checks. She started demanding I give K back to her. I involved SS, and everyone I could, since my brother had stated that when he came back from Iraq he was going to sign her over to us for adoption. He was going to hunt C down and make her sign the papers.
There was a day I physically restrained C, from coming in our home. I wanted to be sure K would be ok with C, before handing her over to a stranger.
Eventually I lost the fight, and K went with C.
In the end it worked out for everyone. My brother had a paternity test done, she was his. They worked the marriage out, and for 5 years made it work. THANKFULLY no other children were born. So then he finally left her when he caught her back with ex-best friend, and still 2nd cousin. So he divorced her, but he won custody of K. C only gets visitation. Its often that C will forgo that privileged and not see K for months on end. Makes me so ill. I wish nothing good for C, I want to beat her senseless.
Through it all K, is a pretty good kid. Surprisingly if you ask her does she love her mother, she will say she does with all her heart. She also says she loves me too more than an Aunt. Amazing, after all that hurt and pain these kids can still find that much room for acceptance of their fates, and love for a person that is pure dirt, in everyone else's eyes. K is an avid babysitter, wonderful cousin to my own biological kids, often wants to stay with us for weekends and vacations, and is pretty level headed. I dont think I would have done anything different in given the same chance. I just cant wrap my head around human motives anymore.
Since my mother has passed away. My father has zero interest in any of his kids or grandkids. ZERO. the ONLY time I hear from my father, is when he needs some sort of technical help. I had to remind him 6 times of his grandsons first birthday, he got there and didnt bring a gift, but he brought his wacky new live in girlfriend and the 19 year old run away granddaughter of hers. I was suppose to feed them and entertain them. Then he kept calling him by someone elses name, and he told my sister how much her son looks like her. HE WAS MY SON... argh. I dont understand him. YES he was checked and cleared of dementia and Alzheimers. He is just a jerk.

It's easy to judge but I would say the reasons any of these people are making their choices are complex and not easily made. Dismissing these people as cruel or lazy or uncaring or unfeeling is too simplistic in my opinion. There are undoubtedly factors we know nothing about and which color the choices they are making - what has your SD's mother told her family (stay away, it's for the best; you and your family are evil and there is no hope for SD; etc.), does her defeat/resignation/?? impact the rest of her family, are they not a very close knit family (some families just aren't close for whatever reason), etc. It is difficult to say why people walk away from their children but I suspect on some level there is a feeling of 'it is for the best; I will cause pain by not being involved but it is far less pain than if I were involved'. Also I would believe there to be an element of 'I can mend fences later on' which is typically not the case. Either way I think the reasoning, excuses and self lies become a tangle which are ultimately dealt with by not dealing with them. I would not waste any energy on dwelling on her mother or her mother's family. They will come around if and when they are ready and you can deal with it along side your SD at that point. In the meantime I would be thankful you are so blessed to have a caring, loving family and you are able to be there for SD. Many children do not have that safety net.

I cannot answer what I would do in this situation. I think each of these scenarios creates it's own dynamic and I will not be so arrogant as to say I would do one thing until I am at that crossroads. Life has a funny way of challenging the heck out of you when you have such firm convictions you naively think you cannot be defeated/swayed/challenged.

The others could just be embarrassed and hurt by their D's behavior and have no idea of the kind of reception of any attention they might show to your SD, either from you or your SD or even their D. I bet someone is hurting to see her. Still, if SD has not initiated contact my guess is some relationship is going to be lost because the adults won't get past their feelings.
By the way you say the mother is not mentally ill but leaving your children is not something a sane person does. My bet is some kind of personality disorder. BPD or NPD. It may sound like I am trying to give her an excuse but your SD might just feel better knowing, while there is no excuse there might be a reason. Check out the symptoms on line. It also helps in developing a way of communication tailored to the person's disorder. Good luck.

I have no idea, but the fact that it upsets you so much shows how much you love her.
She is very lucky to have a Step Mom like you. Maybe you are what she needed. :)

Things work in weird ways. Its impossible to know what is really going on with them. Count your lucky stars and dont worry about her anymore. She is YOUR daughter.

my oldest son's "dad" has seen him one time and that was at court when my ex husband adopted him. None of his family has ever contacted my son... they know where I/ we are.

My ex husband cut my son out of his life 5 years ago.. two years after adopting him. His one sister is still a part of my son's life. His mom will still give him a card for Christmas.. but that is the only contact she has with him other than if she comes to the house for something.. then she will talk to him. But otherwise his two brothers and two others sisters have nothing to do with him.. the really sad part is we only live two blocks from my ex husband and they are over there all the time.

I have no idea how someone can do this, let alone a whole family!

I am still my ex step nephew ( my brothers ex wifes son) aunt. Even though they haven't been married for 10 years, I am still really close to him and consider him my nephew and there for him all the time! I haven't missed one major part of his life and never will!

Like I keep telling my son... let go of the pain so you can make room for the ones who love you, some day the others will wake up and realize what they are missing and by that time comes, it will be too late for them and you will always be better off!

Do you think that the biological mom has caused such a big rift with her family that they are afraid to try to have a relationship with their grandchild/niece or do they know where your SD is living and would be open to a relationship. You don't know what the biological mom has told her family about the current status of any of her kids. She may have told them that you (or your SD) have no interest in having them in your lives.
Did they ever have a relationship with your SD? Their behavior is terrible-I would try to have a relationship with a child in that situation.

We can't control other people or know what motivates them to do the things they do. If she does think about SD she made the right choice. Whatever her reason is SD is in the right place. Love is most important. At some point SD may care or wonder, there may be no answer from her mother. I do have a question why did she drop her off with you in the first place? I assume from your post it was temporary until she got settled. Another question where are the other kids? Does SD have contact with her brothers or sisters? Because SD was 13 when she first moved in with you she may know more than she wants to remember(I would not probe her, if she wants to tell you she will).Sorry so long one last story, my neighbor has a grandson. I want to say he was about 10, one day the mom said she didn't want to be a mother anymore. Luckily the father still wanted to be a father and grandma and grandpa kicked in.

I agree, it's disturbing. If a parent abandons a child, it just makes no since that everyone else would too. I couldn't imagine ignoring my nephews or nieces just b/c their parents chose to do so.. in fact it would make me want to contact them more. Very sad.

What you describe is very, very sad. That said, maybe living with you and her father was the far better choice. As for the relatives... you know, I imagine many of us can't explain or understand the choices they choose to make. They aren't the ones we would likely make. Perhaps they are following the mother's example...?

My SIL did it. She came here from another country. She was supposed to come to get a job while living with family and then later send for them after she got everything settled. She sent them money for a year and then stopped. She stopped calling them. Then she had a baby girl and that was it. That baby girl is almost a teen now and does not know she has siblings in another country. For a while they had moved in with my MIL but then moved on from their. My husband tries to keep track of them. They are adults now and on their own. Since my husband was pretty young when the first were born, they do not know him well but he saw them for a few years before coming here himself. The kids have nothing to do with their mom.

It was not uncommon in times long past that if a family could not feed all their children that the ones not able to contribute to the family were starved to death because they weren't fed. Those families gave up those starving children to orphanages or to relatives willing to care for them.

Millions died during the potatoe famine in Britian and Ireland. Many of those were children.

You have a mom that severed her ties with her children. In our society we are very self centered. She may had abondoned her kids because her new boyfriend didn't want a woman with three kids and she would rather have him than her kids. Maybe he's a child molester an she gave them away to save them from him. Who knows what lurks in the hearts of those that give away their kids?

I've known one family where the grandma took her grand child to raise because the daughter dropped him off while in a drugged/drunken state and never came back.

Thank you for taking up the responsibility. Good luck to you and yours.

I am so sorry this has happened! I have not had this exact situation but I have had experience with family knowing one of my family members for their whole life and one little thing, they fall off the face of the earth. Almost like they don't exist anymore. Its not fair or right. I just have to say that despite the sadness of the mom leaving, I am really happy that your stepdaughter has a loving mom like you and family that she can count on to love her and take care of her. It is really unfortunate that the other family has crossed her off the list----If I had grandkids or any situation similar to this, I would do everything in my power to see the children. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't know what to say. Hang in there and blessings to you and your family. M

I didn't read your post, but based on the title -- I would take them in.

My oldest son's father passed away when he was a little over one. We weren't married but hoped to get to that point someday. It was very unexpected, and I was 18 yrs old. His mom and two sister's lived very close. And before his passing they were VERY present in our lives.
After he passed away, I ended up moving in with his mom for almost a year then got my own place. I still actively called them, invited them to b-day parties, spent my time spit w/ them on Christmas, Thanksgiving etc so my son would know them and vice versa.
Soon enough it became my calls were never returned, they never made an effort etc. but I kept trying for my son's sake and his Dad's memory. My final straw was on other's Day I called my son's grandma and said we'd like to stop over to see her. She said ok. So we left the house picked up flowers my son picked out (he was about 3-4 at the time) got to her house not even an hour later and she was gone. I was done. His sisters had been no better and i was tired of my son's heart being broken.
SO then they'd disappea for a year or two (they had all moved by now) and show up in our driveway claiming they'd be back to see him or pick him up and they never did. After this went on awhile I told them all it was done. It had been going on for years an until they could make a legitimate effort it was over. That was the last I heard from them. I don't get it myself. My son is 17 now and I have told him if he wishes to seek them out on facebook or whatever I will help him and he says no.
I would NEVER abandon my neice, nephew, grandchild etc. And if you aren't keeping them from seeing her, they are just crappy people ad she's better off!

My husband and his sister were abandoned by their father and every single member of his family when they were 3 years and 6 months respectively. I think maybe they got some cards for a few years from the grandmother...and "Dad" sends birthday cards everytime he has a new wife or girlfriend who thinks he needs to reestablish contact with his kids.

There are a lot of excuses I can think of - in our case my husband's grandfather was abusive and his uncle was mentally disabled and pretty dependend on his parents. Probably better to be seperated from them actually. My husabnd's father likely never really wanted kids, but knew he couldn't keep a woman without the promise of children. But at the end of the day it is poor character, lack of emotional maturity, and a failure to empathize.

Now, I do believe the family could be trying to respect your SD's mother or simply not comfortable reaching out to your family (her ex). It's stupidity in my opinion, but they may believe or have been led to belive that contact is unwelcome.

I believe the best you can do is to encourage contact, send pictures or notes to the relatives and keep the lines of communication open. It kind of sticks in my throat to say that, but ultimately if there is any chance that your daughter can bond with a sinlge person - especially her cousins or half-siblings - then I think you need to support that. She may not want it now, but she may regret that decision when she is 25 or 35 or 45.

Thank goodness you have custody, and I would urge you to fight for it if it ever becomes an issue. Document, document, document every single time you reach out, and every holiday or event that she misses. Is she paying child support? I would fight like hell for that. Your SD may be very well provided for, but it is her right.

PS - So I was thinking about your post and sort of struggling with how a Mom can cut off contact like that. While I would never want to be seperated from my kids for a day... I am not so upset that she sent her daughter to her father. He IS her father and equally responsible. But cutting off contact is CRAZY to me. Why do you think she couldn't keep her in the first place?? Because cutting off contact might be merely guilt. Maybe she can't stand the idea of her daughter asking to be with her again. So sad. Anyway, I'm just looking for excuses for which there is no excuse.

My sister had no business becoming a mother so when she had a daughter 19+ years ago she had absolutely no interest in parenting and just asked me to take her at 10 days old. We never saw it coming but wouldn't have it any other way. Thank goodness she made that decision instead of being a crappy, present mother.

My GDs father has had no contact with her in about five years. The last time he saw her, he brought her home several hours early and basically told me he thought she was a brat and if she wanted to come over to see his kids (her half siblings) then she could call, but other than that, he wasn't really interested.

I saw him in the grocery store a few months ago. Again, he said the kids wanted to see GD - did not say HE wanted to see her.

Now I hear from her mother that GD is going over to his house to see the kids. Oh no she isn't. I have guardianship - I make the rules and it will be a cold day in hell before she goes over there to visit his kids. I do not want her in that house with him when he has no desire to spend time with her or get to know her. I don't want to take the chance that she will realize how he feels and get her feelings hurt. At this point, she's over him and that's the way it's gonna stay!

So, no I don't get how they can just write kids off. No member of his family has tried to see her, call her, or even just call me to see if she's even still alive! They can all go straight to hell!

She and they are just not worth the bother of worrying about. Let your daughter just know your love and let the rest go.

So often with people like this, there comes a time, years and years later when they suddenly come to their senses and then expect the child to respond to their wanting to have a relationship with them. I'd be more concerned about that and how you'd handle it and how the child would handle it.

My sister left her child when she was two. As aunts and uncles we did not stop our relationship with her. We were horrified that our sister did this. Evenually my sister did have a relationship with her daughter from about 8 years onward but it was off and on. They still have contact but not much.

Some people are just this way and there is nothing you can do about it. I have a cousin who abandened every one of her children. She had four altogether, two from one marriage, she left them. Then later two babies from another marriage and she left them too. She stayed a few years in each case and has never seen any of them since.

Ya just don't know with people sometimes. Maybe you should be happy they don't contact you or your child, it may be nothing but trouble for all you know. Be thankful and simply be loving and giving to your own. All things happen for a reason it's just that we don't always know the reason and sometimes when we do come to know the reason its not till the end.

Accept, live and let live and love, love, love - no strings - it's the key to life.