If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It

ES - You've been here quite awhile. What would you tell a mom that said she's jittery and can't sleep **in ten days** over starting pre-school?

It'll be fine. DD will be fine. and You'll be fine.

Breathe. :)

Don't be "that" parent that stunts their child's social growth and independence because you can't handle it. Let her go to preschool. It will benefit her a lot emotionally and a little academically.

you know, sometimes we just have to put aside our own needs & make the best decision for our children. That's life, that's parenthood.

It doesn't mean your husband is right & you're wrong, nor does it mean the opposite. What's #1 here is what is best for your child.

For me, socialization is the #1 priority for preschool years. You can teach academics at home, but you cannot provide that peer interaction which will help define their success in KG. & I feel strongly that this socialization needs to take place without the parents present. :)

It truly does help children better prepare for success in school. Peace.

I think you guys have already made a compromise that should make both parties happy. Your DD gets the preschooling that your DH wants to her to get, and you only miss your DD for a total of 6 whole hours a week. Think of it in those terms - out of 168 hours a week, she will only be gone an extra 6. And it will be a good thing for her, and the break will be good for you.

Also, no one has really brought this up, but you seem so caught up in your own feelings and keeping her with you that you're not thinking of how fun or beneficial the preschool will be for her. It kind of seems like you want to keep her home for selfish reasons and not because it's particularly better for her.

I think you're stressing too much. I also kind of get the feeling that this isn't really about the preschool, it's about a bigger issue with your DH. The answer to your question is that we can't answer it for you. Staying with you isn't detrimental to your DD, nor is the preschool. I do think preschool can offer her things a parent can't, but that's me personally.

I see a larger issue in the patterns of your posts. I think you don't respect your husband (and probably vice versa).... therefore you are having trouble "backing" decisions that HE thinks are best, if it's not something that you ALSO agree with.

So, this isn't a big deal with things that are dangerous...... like he wants to let her go whitewater rafting without a life jacket and you disagree. No Brainer. She’s 3. No whitewater rafting.

However, disharmony becomes a much bigger deal when you're considering things that aren't black or white. Things that may or may not be “the best” or what YOU had in your “vision” of the kind of parent you would be….. but certainly won’t harm or damage your daughter, at least not in any real way. Things like dessert or pre-school or how much time with grand-parents. These are VALUE judgments or decisions that have more to do with parenting *style* and less to do with any concrete consequences. They are things that can be argued from EITHER side and there is NO right or wrong answer. Even though you BOTH think you are *right*.

At the heart of these seems to be the question….. who gets the say? Why is what YOU want for your daughter any more or less important than what HE wants for HIS daughter? And when you have a disconnect, how do you decide who *wins*? The problem is that once you start to keep score with who is getting their way you are sliding on a slippery slope within your relationship…. Not only as parents, but as a couple.
The other problem is that desert every night and pre-school WON’T cause harm to you daughter (by all accounts many parents would say those are GOOD things that will ADD to your daughter’s life in a positive and meaningful way)…. But watching the tension between her parents as they argue over her and watching a relationship that is not rooted in respect, compassion and love WILL do considerable damage over the long haul to your daughter. She will replicate this relationship with the men that she dates and the man that she marries and how she parents her own children. She is not learning how to TRULY compromise and how to reach a solution that is best for everyone. Instead she is learning to negotiate and to defend. Traits that are GREAT in business…. But that will make her future interpersonal relationship tenuous, at best.

Change in this dynamic can start with you, if you want it to. If you’re score keeping…. Then you have to keep accurate records. The worst scorekeeper is one who just “remembers” and keep it all inside. Because then it’s not accurate. You can’t just keep score with what your husband does that you don’t agree with. You have to list it ALL. In what ways do YOU get your way. Which things have you won? Maybe if you can see the times that you get your way…. It will make you a bit more likely to back him and let him have his way on some things.

As far as pre-school…… does your daughter know yet that she has been enrolled? What does she think? Is she excited to go? Have you done things to passively-aggressively affect how she views this experience? If she’s excited to go….. I think you should back your husband’s desire for her to get some formal pre-schooling. But I think the two of you need to figure out how you will make parenting decisions as your daughter gets older. Because it sounds like the way you are making them isn’t bringing out the best in your relationships.

You have a lot of stressors in your life right now. Things are in a state of change.
I don't think either of you are terribly wrong.
I think you really miss your daughter.
Your H tends to run roughshod over your feelings.

Try writing it in a letter. Sometimes we don't feel heard or feel like our spouses are just reacting to us and not reasoning things out that we have said. You have some time now to get it all out. Maybe he will react differently if it's in black and white.

At some point you are going to have to go to marriage counseling. In the mean time check out some books on marriage and communication.

Go back and re-read your other posts. You and your husband have a difficult relationship that doesn't include respect or trust for each other. I have been there, too, so believe me, I'm not criticizing, just observing. Sometimes marriage counseling works, sometimes it doesn't. For the sake of your and your child's well being, you at least need to get to the point that you can parent harmoniously, even if you disagree on other topics. I'm lucky in a way because despite my marriage problems, my husband and I do agree on just about everything relating to our son. For me what has helped more than marriage counseling is finding a therapist just for me. With her help I have recognized the flaws that I have brought to the relationship (it's easy to blame the partner for everything) and changed as much as I can about me. It sounds trite, but change what you can and find a way to accept the rest.

As for the preschool issue, my son has been in daycare/preschool full time since he was 5 months old. I was very unhappy with the idea when he was a baby and I had a job that I hated, but for the past fews years I've had a job that I really love and at the same time, I know how much he has always loved being with the other children and always having something to do. I think a lot of your unease about preschool is because you wish you were back in career mode and aren't there yet. You don't have to feel guilty about your situation -- even if you thought you were going to be a permanent stay at home mom, you certainly have the right to send your child to preschool if you choose. You still have lots of time to be with your child -- every late afternoon/evening and all weekend. I like the idea that someone else suggested -- send her to the preschool for part of the day. Some have half days, others have an optional pick up at 3:00, etc.

Good luck and start taking care of yourself!

I agree the push to be in preschool for younger and younger ages is getting crazy. The important thing is that your baby is learning in some shape or form during the 1st 5 years of their life whether at home or out. If they have to interract, you can do a one day out type thing, but preschool should start when they are about 3-4yrs old IMO...babies are now being enrolled because moms are busier than usual these days, and preschool has become the norm.

You two need to sit down & talk.

Right now there's no agreement. Its a win/lose situation. A good compromise is win/win. So try the conversation THAT way; how to get what you both want.

Mmmmm .... A really good book to read is 7 habits of highly successful people. There's a chapter specifically on this (can't say which, sorry), that has been amaaaaaaazing in my own life (whenever I remember to apply it). Its under conversations/negotiations/communication/arguments.

It was required reading in one of my college classes. Some of the most relavent material ice ever covered.

This sort of decision should be made together with both parents having equal power. I suggest that this incident is another good reason for couples counseling. Feeling pressured to put her in preschool is an example of how your husband does not consider your thoughts and feelings. He uses his power to force you to do something instead of working with you to make the decision.

Both to go and not to go to preschool can be good decisions. I can't tell you which is better. I can tell you that I would not accept having my husband force me to do anything. I would immediately get into counseling so that I could learn how to be assertive and stand up for my own beliefs. Start with learning more about myself and why I cave when my husband puts on the pressure. Then learn how to change the dynamics from my side.

Couples counseling would benefit both of you and the relationship if he'd go. But if not, counseling just for yourself will help you get more out of life that you want.

As to whether or not you should back peddle, only you know what that will create. Will you gain more time with your daughter at the expense of angry feelings and turmoil with your husband? I don't know which I would choose. You are really between a rock and a hard spot. Going along with this causes you bad feelings. Back pedaling causes your husband bad feelings which then probably will cause even more friction between the two of you. I'd go for counseling first and find a way to handle this in the way that will help you to feel better and be better able to handle your husband.

I responded to your previous question and want to suggest that your feelings about time your daughter has with her grandparents are really more about your relationship with your husband than with wanting her to spend less time with them. Resolve this issue with your husband and what to do with grandparents and school will probably resolve themselves.

Every yes doesn't have to be a final answer. Sometimes if my husband feels strongly about a thing and I am ambivalent, I might give him a yes. Further, if my husband feels strongly about a thing, and I feel strongly the opposite, I might still give him a yes. Our relationship is reciprocal this way.

If the "yes" is causing me that much grief and consternation, that I've lost sleep (and I wouldn't wait to loose 10 days of sleep), I would think it over.
1. am I opposed to the decision?
2. I am opposed to the way it was presented?
3. am I ok with the outcome, just not pleased with the way/ timing of the discussion?
4. can I give it a try and revisit it?
5. will I be happier if I simply share with my husband that I am having a difficult time of going his way on this one?
6. will I reneg my consent because I really thought I could handle the proposal, but after some sould searching, find that I can't.

think about these things in the morning, then put the questions, and your answers away, and out of your mind. revisit it once in the afternoon, or the following day. the answers will be clearer to you.

We had DS with a manny and with my parents when I first returned to work. At 15 months, we introduced full day day care 2 days a week. He's continued with 3 days a week 9-4, and is now 2. Next year we plan to enroll him in preschool from 8:30-3 5 days a week.

He enjoys his daycare, and goes running in. He is loathe to leave, and asks granny to join him to play at daycare when its time for pick up.

I hope you find your peace.
good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Most people send their kids to preschool so young bc they have to (work) or the child is very social and seems to crave interaction with other kids. Does your daughter seem to miss other kids? If not, put your foot down. And why pay for this if you're a two income family but only one of you working? I'd think your husband would want to save the money. Your daughter is way too young to "need" preschool really. I think mothers of older kids will say it's really not necessary for the child's sake. My oldest did seem to crave other kids so that's a factor but if yours is happy, as you said, why fix it? I have to say I see this as your decision more than your husband's bc you're the one home. I will say this is only 3 hours a day 2 days a week though. 6 hours a week isn't much so don't make yourself crazy. Either way you go, no harm will be done.

I don't think preschool is necessary at all. You won't get much more time with your baby girl, you'll be back to work soon enough, so why not spend the free time you have left with her??? I think you need to tell your husband how you feel.

I think you will feel really good once you see how happy and how much your daughter will love preschool! It really is so good for them!

Updated

I think you will feel really good once you see how happy and how much your daughter will love preschool! It really is so good for them!

Why are you resentful? Do you feel your DH has not heard you? Do you think this is truly the wrong thing for your DD? Do you not really like the school but picked one under stress? Are you simply missing your baby? Are you anxious with any large decision? When DD is out of your care? Do you feel like DH is saying you are a bad mom? Is there a middle ground? If you picked 5 days a week, what about 3? If you picked full day, what about half day?

You ARE a "real" SAHM even if it's a short term "contract" so to speak. Is your issue with preschool that you don't feel that you are "really" a SAHM and preschool seems to play into your insecurities?

If you are not sleeping, you need to figure out the root of this, even if nothing changes. If you feel you should have stood your ground, go back to questions one and two. Do you feel that he bullies you on big decisions? Then this is a marital issue and not a parenting one.

I also think you need to figure this out because your DD will soon enter regular school and all that entails. Your baby is growing up (my DD is my only "baby" so I understand that feeling) and sometimes it's hard to let them fly. Also, your DD will know you aren't happy with her school - are you going to put on a big smile and let her enjoy it or is she going to be upset every day because YOU are? Be her leader.

ETA: She hasn't gone yet. If you want to back out, then have a sit down with DH. You are also worried about the time she's spending with her grands, right? So if you feel that it is not beneficial for her to start yet, be honest with him. She's 3, if I recall. You can change her enrollment for fall when she's 4 or closer to 4.

If you don't want to do it, then don't! Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Sounds like you guys need to have a real heart to heart about this.

Also, why is it too late to change things now? There might be consequences to changing your mind this late in the game, but you can still do it.

When the time comes that you have to have child care so you can work, then so be it. Until then, do what you want to do. If that is delaying preschool for a few months, fine! I fully believe in the benefits of preschool, but at 3yrs old a few months is not going to hurt anyone. In the meantime, perhaps you could suggest joining a place like "My Gym" or Gymboree or something like that to get her some more exposure to other kids, and to help make your husband feel better about it all.

IMO, you are unhappy with this decision and you need to either come to terms with it, or change it.

I replied to last your post about this too. I feel for you, I really do, I was sad when it was time for my kids to go to preschool but it really is good for them and mine have all LOVED preschool, especially my daughter.

~Not sure if this might help or not but did you ask the preschool you found what their rules are about potty training? My kids preschool clearly states that the kids MUST be completely potty trained to be enrolled and I noticed that you posted recently that your daughter is not yet potty trained. Maybe that is your 'out'??

How about finding an activity rather than a preschool? You can always teach your daughter what she needs to learn to enter kindergarten yourself. You could send your daughter to dance classes, kung fu classes, karate classes, art classes, t-ball, playdates, etc. That way she'd be exposed to other children, but in a more possitive environment and actually be building up skills. It would give her independance, but you could be waiting in the sidelines if she needs you. This way it wouldn't be a whole or half day. It's lots of fun too and you'd meet other moms. Just sending a kid to daycare or preschool, doesn't mean that their social skills will be great. Some kids have lousey social skills and run around hitting other kids until they mature.