Ideas Please... - Gainesville,FL

You could start taking away ALL of her things and she doesn't get them back until her behavior changes (which could be awhile). When I say all I mean ALL, as in her bed frame, her dresser, most of her clothes, all her toys, pillow...etc. There is a book called "The well behaved child" by John Rosemond and this is what he recommends. The book goes into more details and explains how and when to give her things back. It would be challenging but might make a difference.

No sugar in the house, zip zero.
Then see YokaReeder.com- she is brilliant, and helped us amazingly.
Best, k

Children thrive on schedules and stated expectations.

I do not mean micro manage her, but when you have rules, they must be followed each time. It is very normal (and you do want) children to test to see if you are serious. Then you live up to it. Not in a loud forceful way but a calm matter of fact way. When she starts to pout make faces, roll her eyes, whine, explain you are not going to be a part of it. Any of it. It is disrespectful and you will not back down.

Look at your homes schedule on school days.

Is there a set time for her to get up? Are there problems at this point?
We realized early on our daughter (me included) are not morning people. We do not like to be spoken to or asked questions the moment we wake up. We need to wake up slowly and then get ready in silence. Our daughter had an alarm that went off about 15 min. earlier( in 5 minute increments) than when she needed to start getting ready. She then had the ability to control if she wanted 5 more minutes,

I never asked her what she wanted for breakfast until she was finished brushing her teeth,. Many times, she had told me when we were making the grocery list, the things she thought she would like that week for breakfast and school lunches.

Our daughter knew that she needed to have her school things all packed up and ready the night before, because I was not a helicopter parent and would not be dashing things up to school if SHE forgot. That was her responsibility. I also left to take her to school at the same time each day. If she was still putting on her shoes doing her hair, she could do it in the car. This was obviously within about 8 minutes I had worked into the schedule.

After school, our daughter was usually tired and hungry. I found that if I gave her a quiet time with snack, she did better than sitting right down to do homework. Our daughter also did better with the TV on.. (She is in college and still has her Ipod and cell phone going, on while doing homework). Figure out what works best for your child. Some children do better having the snack and sitting right down to get the homework out of the way, in silence.

Dinner was not a time to battle. It was a time for us to visit. If I made a meal and anyone at the table did not want to eat the meal, they were welcome to make themselves a bowl of non sugar cereal,. Heck sometimes, I am the one that wanted cereal. After planning, purchasing and preparing the meal, I did not want it. I asked my family before I went to the grocery store if there was anything they were craving for the next week? I also kept coupons and a $20, in case we decided to have pizza or burgers every once in a while.

Bath was at a certain time. It was up to our daughter to take her bath and get ready for bed. Every once in a while she would want to stay up a little later, we made the decision based on if she could promise she would still get up in the morning and get ready for school, If in the morning this did not work out, the next time she asked the answer was no. We reminded her it had been her fault because of the last time she did not get up. (This only happened once).

Your daughter needs to take ownership of her attitude and the consequences. This way there is no one else to blame.
When you throw a fit over cupcakes. There will not be any more cupcakes available for a long, long, long time. If asked remind her.

Whining is not tolerated anywhere. She goes to her room until SHE calms down or can ask in her regular voice. Whining id a foreign language we do not speak. . If this happens out in public, you all pick up and leave and go home. Later when she calms down, let her know you did not appreciate that SHE caused all of you to leave. Ask her how she will feel if you throw a fit in front of her teachers or friends?

She obviously does not care about the allowance. Is there something bigger that could be her goal for each month that she can keep it together? Or is there something bigger you can take away?

Disneyworld? A fun weekend trip with a friend? A chance to pick out a new color for her bedroom?

Just stay steady and do not get pulled into her drama. Purchase ear plugs and lots of them.. Have them all over the place and use them. They will not block out all of the sounds, but they can take the edge off. Remember, you can put yourself into timeout by going to your own room and closing the door.

The book "Have A New Kid By Friday" by Leman.

Also, is she getting enough sleep?
I read an article recently, and kids that are lacking sleep, also have problems with keeping even keeled.

Also, after school, kids are often mega tired and fussy. They need to deflate. Doing even nothing. And having a snack.

If a child is needing to snack, let her. Healthy stuff.
Kids get ravenous after school. They are active all day and in school. They need to snack.
They often do not eat all their lunch.
If their blood sugar level drops, they get fussy.
When they get home, they are needing a snack.
My daughter has lunch at school at 11:30. She gets home after 2:00.
By that time, she is just SO hungry!
And fussy.
But after she eats, she gets more even keeled.

Let her, deflate after school.
A kid is ALL day at school, being in task and being good and following direction. They get really tired.

My daughter, gets like that after school.
But I tell her, she can be grumpy, but say it nicely. To explain to me.... what she wants. What she needs. How she feels.
A child, learns these skills. It is taught. They do not have automatic ability, to just know that.
Even some adults don't know that.

Be glad that your child behaves at school. My Daughter is the same way, and all her Teachers comment on how she is the best student in class.
At home, is where they let it all hang out. And deflate.
Tell her, to use her words. If she is tired/grumpy/unhappy, then fine. But to say it nicely.
Even grown ups get stressed or tired or burnt out after their long hard day at work.

When my girl is like that.... I feed her, let her deflate after school, I don't RUSH her into another routine too quickly, I give her head's up about what is next... after she relaxes. And I feed her healthy stuff. It evens out the blood sugar levels.

I also, just sometimes just sit with her, and let her tell me about her day. This lets her deflate too. They NEED to get out, pent-up things, from their day.

So, DISCERN what she needs. Children do not know that.
And, DISCERN, if she needs a punishment... or, needs to as a child, to deflate and just get out her yah-yah's.
Sometimes, I tell my daughter "Oh, you had a tiring day huh? I can tell. That's fine. Just relax. You can tell me about it. Mommy is right here."
But, if she is being a punk, just to be a hissy-monster, then I tell her "Okay, SCREAM all you can now. After that, no more. Go ahead...." and then, I let her let it out. Or, I tell her, "Mommy will not help you, until you can be nice, too. If you do not cooperate, I will not either. I will not help you when you are being like that."
I take myself, out of the picture.
I tell her also, point blank "I KNOW you are trying to get me to do what you want. It will not work. Not when you act that way." Then I walk away.
I tell her, "When you calm down, you come and apologize. You are too old to act that way."

Is your daughter more or less constantly experiencing punishment of one sort or another? Are the punishments doubled or tripled up; for example, does she currently have her allowance suspended, AND had one or more time-outs today, AND has other privileges/play dates suspended?

If that's the case, then I suspect she's suffering from a sense of sheer hopeless frustration – she'll never be able to be good enough to get back to an "unpunished" baseline. She may feel like she'll always be in the hole, so how can she possibly dig her way out? How can she be good enough? Why even try? Even adults crack under expectations that are too high for them to meet.

Since her behavior outside the home seems pretty okay, I suspect she feels reasonably successful in those other areas. Then she comes home and feels hopelessly inadequate again, and possibly unloved and unappreciated.

I have two suggestions: start by reading the wise and wonderfully doable book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. Put those principles to work with your daughter. Have conversations with her, draw her out, give her a chance to describe her life and her problems from her own perspective. Really listen – you might be surprised by what you hear.

Then give her a chance, again as taught in How to Listen, to start fresh. Get her take on how SHE would solve the chronic issues in your family. Kids can be remarkable problem solvers if taken seriously and empowered to do so. And they are invested in making their own solutions work.

I've watched several young families experience amazing turn-arounds using the simple techniques in this book. I think you and your daughter will be happy with what you learn.

I always suggest Jim Fay's Parenting with Love and Logic books. His website is www.loveandlogic.com. He has seminars and workshops all over the country and those are especially helpful too. He is an amazing speaker and they teach you how to apply the strategies through role playing. I was an elementary school teacher for 13 years and used the Teaching with Love and Logic books before I started using the parenting books with my own children. Jim Fay shows you how to use strategies that are loving and empathetic. You use choices and natural consequences to set boundaries. Giving her choices gives her some control and you some peace because they should be choices within boundaries that are ok with you. For example, Say it is cold outside and you want her to take her coat. Instead of getting into a huge battle offer her these choices: would you like to wear your coat or carry it? Either choice is ok because what you want here is for her to take the coat. The natural consequence is it is cold outside. If she chose to carry it, then when she gets outside and realizes it is cold, she will put the coat on and feel empowered by that realization instead of feeling like she is losing face because her parents were right in the first place. It really helps keep you out of those power struggles that puts you in an emotional state and all rational thought goes out the window for both you, your husband and daughter. These are skills that help parents and their children work through every day problems lovingly and logically, so when problems do become huge as she grows up (wrecking the car, etc.) you will have built a solid foundation of love, respect and responsibility. They also won't drive her away from you from constant power struggles. I highly recommend his books. Hope this helps!
A.

I second the "Love and Logic" books.

I also second "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk". Hopefully reading through that will help you to communicate with her more effectively about her behavior and you'll get some insight into where she is coming from.

Another good read is "Setting Limits For Your Strong-Willed Child" by Dr. Robert MacKenzie. I like that he has sound advice and gives real-life scenarios and does NOT advocate spanking. With some of the things you are describing, he would probably recommend just sending her to her room and not engaging herif she decides to throw a tantrum - she can scream all she wants, but you don't have to be her audience. The less attention she gets from it the better.

If you start trying the things suggested, are consistent, and they don't seem to be helping, I would seek out a family therapist/child psychologist. I just read on another post that that is what one mom did for her son when he was acting much the same way and it made a world of difference.

Is your daughter an only child, or does she have siblings? I ask because if she feels like brothers and/or sisters are getting lots of attention, she could be finding ways (any way) to get your attention.

Sometimes kids behave very well in school, but like SH said, they needs some time to decompress. It might help to give her a snack and some quiet time or really positive attention.

Try to catch her doing something good. This might be a time for lots of positive reinforcement. She needs to know that she is loved and that she does many things well.

They say it takes 13 "good jobs" to equal 1 negative comment. She could be internalizing the negative comments and really be feeling like a failure in your eyes.

Just a couple of thoughts. Hang in there and keep loving her! She really needs your love right now.

I'd say try something different. Start with one thing she freaks out about and once you master that move to another thing. So...pick one thing. Like if you ask her to do her homework you know it often leads to arguing or a tantrum. Tell her beforehand that you are going to practice having GREAT behavior..tell her that today when you ask her to do her homework if she says, yes! and sits down to do it she gets a reward! If she does not do it tell her you'll give her another chance the next day. If she does it give her a small toy and PRAISE her...be SUPER enthusiastic. Tell her how PROUD you are of her being so mature and you LOVE her great behavior today. Go over the top!!!! Give her high fives. Tell her dad when he gets home so he can praise her too. Make a chart and give her a star for that day for doing homework. (Or wahtever you want to work on). The idea is to praise her for doing something right. You do this each day for a week or maybe 2 weeks and it really helps change the bad pattern of bad behavior she has gotten into. You can gradually switch to having her earn a small reward (it coudl be an outing for icecream or a trip to the park instead of a toy) by getting 5 stars in a row or something like that. Then gradually wean off of the small toys/rewards. It sounds a bit nuts but it really really works well. This is what we have done with our 7 yr old son with some issues he had. I think it works better than a behavior chart bc they get a reward immediately at first and get tons of praise. All that positive reinforcement helps. When they get it wrong just say, oh well, maybe you can get it right next time. No reward today. Try again tomorrow.

My daughter has similar problems and I've found that "endless" punishments do not work, and taking things away do not work. It doesn't work to cancel playdates, take toys away etc. because it's not immediate enough, it doesn't fit the "crime." Also, if she's misbehaving and I cancel a playdate, it stings for a minute or two...and then she's off playing with her toys and she seems to forget.

Several things have helped.

1. Punishment has to be immediate and should fit the crime. We've resulted to old-fashioned things like sending her to bed early (like at 7:00pm) and we do it at the MOMENT she's having a fit. If it's after dinner and she's throwing a fit because she didn't get dessert then she is marched into her room, we have her put on her PJs, she brushes her teeth and she's to get in bed and stay there. This hasn't made her hate going to bed or any such thing.

We do time-outs as well, she has to sit there until she can tell us how she's going to fix the problem, namely her attitude. Oh, she's sat there for HOURS! And we ignore her the whole time.

I've also resorted to having her write lines like "I will not throw flour in the kitchen" 100 times. Seems silly, but it ALWAYS WORKS! We have not had problems with any of the behavior of which she's had to write lines for.

I know those punishments seem silly, but they work so much better for us than taking away allowance, playdates and toys.

2. When her attitude gets really bad consistently we have a Work Day. During this work day she does many chores around the house. It's great for me because I have her do those chores that we just don't get around to like moving the refrigerator and cleaning windows. For some reason Work Days seem to help a lot. We get a lot of grumbling at first but I think the fact that she's helping (and being positively praised for it) and the pride she feels when she sees how nice things look makes her feel good. Also, I do the chores with her and while it's not "quality" mom-daughter time, we usually end up having fun and laughing. I think hard work is good for the soul, and work that you can do that makes a difference helps too. She can open the nice clean refrigerator and be proud that she helped. This always works to adjust attitudes.

3. We ignore the drama. As much as I want to say something when she's screaming back, I just ignore it. I'd LIKE to say "you shouldn't talk to your mother like that!" but instead I just turn my back and get busy doing something else. That always works as well.

Good luck!

We have gone through a couple "cycles" like this with our 6 year old daughter. Its a vicious cycle. The worse she is the more we fight, the more we fight the worse she is, on and on and on...

Here is what works for us. I know it might sound strange, but it works.

Once we recognize that "lately, we can't get her to do anything and she is always mad at us and fighting"...we stop everything. We sit down with her and talk about our expectations. "You will clean your room, you will get dresses, you will etc..." then we set rewards back in place to following through without fighting and agruing. Its all about setting a reasonable expectation with a possitive reward (even just praise and recognition). It gets everyone back on track.

I really think our daughter shuts down when there is a lot of negative behavior in the house. Believe me there are consequences for negative actions, but that isn't what I am talking about here. I am talking about the negative rut we get in when our kids aren't listening...they aren't listening because we are stressed and yelling, we are stressed and yelling because they aren't listening. When times get like this it is up to us (the parents) to stop the cycle. Sit back and reflect on the environment that we are in and change it for the possitive.

If she gets to feeling like she never gets anything then even saying no to something reasonable (like no 2 cupcakes before dinner) its going to be a huge deal to her. Its time for a talk about expectations and consequences. Set reasonable goals for her and remember to stick with them for her.

I do not have a solution for you, but I do want you to know you are not alone. My husband and I are so "tired" of the constant arguing with them. It ruins the whole day for everyone.

I have a 6 yr old daughter and 8 yr old son who both act the exact same way. I just picked up the book "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" . I'm hoping, praying it gives me some sort of insight as to why this is happening.

I wish you the Best of Luck!!

Get yourself a Dr. Ray book. I have a bunch of kids. I have had my share of bad behaviors come through my house at one time or another. They only misbehavior if gets the thing they desire. I don't allow it for long. My kids all know I will make sure you behave and I hold all the power. Either you behave or you will be made to feel very uncomfortable. My son broke his sister's glasses on purpose ONCE. I had him go get his favorite race car track and through it away. He had to take it out to the garbage and put it in.

You hold all the power. You just have to find what will motivate them. To many parents make the mistake of taking something away and telling the child they can have it back after a certain amount of time. Don't give the item or privilege back until they make a definite change in their behavior. It is hard to break a bad habit and it takes time. I have taken my children out to eat and the naughty one has had to bring a peanut butter sandwich and watch the rest eat. I have taken away blankies, ipods, TV, computer, phone friend time...... you name it and its up for grabs if you decide to break the rule. I also will make them write essays, and double the length if they won't quite the behavior. If they are caught fighting with a sibling they must need practice getting along, so they are are teamed up with the sibling for the day. If one has to go to the restroom, the other stands outside until they are finished, then they must wash their hands together. They are not allowed to separate from each other until they demonstrate they can get along.

I don't reward good behavior, it is expected. You are a lot older and wiser than that little seven year old. You can stay ahead of her. You just have to get creative.

Put her under "house arrest" (explain what is going to happen first and give her the opportunity to GO STRAIGHT), This should happen right away if NOT.......empty her room of everything except a mattress and covers. Let her earn everything (including her pillow) back. Take her meals to her room and make them plain, soup, sandwich, piece of fruit, carton of milk or juice a bottle of water. No desserts, no tv, no playdates, no nothing until she can start behaving for at least two day or more in a row.

Harsh? Yes....However, if she can control herself at school and away from your home, you know she has the ability. She's seeing and as seen what she can get away with at home. She's young now, but what do you think she will be like as a TEEN if you don't put her in check?

Blessings....

You have some great advice here. One thing I would add is do not engage in her banter, tantrums etc. She only does what she does b/c she gets a reaction from you. Beside violent behavior, you can & should ignore all of her outbursts. Reasoning with her is not an option at this age and at this stage in her tantrums. You need set the boundaries. Once boundaries are set and she respects them - then, if she gets out of line you can reason with her. But right now you are the parents and she is the child. You are the one in control and she is not - although she sure is in control now. Take back your control and your child will behave better...

Have there been any changes in your home: new baby, new dog, new job, marital issues, or a new adult hanging around? If her behavior is only different around the house I would start there first, to see if there are any changes that you had not thought about or thought she had noticed.

I would also ask if there are any changes of personnel or student body at school. Maybe a favorite teacher is gone or a school friend is gone. Something may be going on socially and she doesn’t know how to explain it.

You have some great advice, I especially liked what SH had to offer, it made sense.

Next time she is giving you a hard time, instead of punishing her, before you lose it, just ask her, what is going on. Why is she being so difficult? You may be surprised at her answer.

In the end, I wouldn’t rule out taking her to the pedi and just getting a checkup. It never hurts.

GOOD LUCK

http://www.amazon.com/New-Strong-Willed-Child-James-Dobso...

This book may be of help, although I don't have any suggestions myself. Youve done alot.